Edition 19 - July 2018

Hi everyone and welcome to another edition of UBBA Magazine.

My beloved Vanessa takes a break this edition, so we won’t be having an assessment from her this time around, but all our other usual features are here as usual.

We did have a little trouble getting a decent celebrity for Colin Hewgill to interview though. It seems he’s developing a bit of a reputation as someone who really gets to the heart of matters and a lot of celebs don’t like that. What we really wanted this edition was a Hollywood bigshot, but the best we could get was a wannabe actor. He’s a former pro-wrestler. Sorry, it’s not Dave Batista, although we would rather have had him. It’s some other guy instead. Apparently, some guy who does a lot of cooking with crocks and comes up with really foul-smelling stuff.

This month we’re focusing on something we try to avoid and that’s politics. Our resident researched, Will Ullman, alias Wal talks about which type of people would make the best politicians. I’m sure you’ll agree completely with his picks. 

Enjoy!

I want to know why you have a “Letters to the Editor” section in your magazine. Isn’t this a bit old fashioned? I mean nobody writes letters anymore. All they do is text and some… usually in business write emails. But nobody writes letters. I don’t believe anyone has for a hundred years now. So I think that this section of the magazine should be scrapped and you should simply ignore anyone that sends you in a letter. After all, they all talk a load of crap anyway. Anyway, I better stop there as my pen is running out of ink. Love your magazine by the way.

Stefani Germanotta (USA)

I wish to protest about one of the headlines in the last edition of UBBA. It told us that Will Ferrell has starred in his very first funny movie. What an insult! How can you possibly say something like that? This is a man who has been starring in movies now for quite some time and still manages to get roles. However, he is yet to be in any movie that is remotely funny. Even his latest movie isn’t funny, so what the hell are you guys talking about? Which movie has he starred in recently which is funny? Which one? I ask you! Clearly someone at UBBA Magazine has a weak sense of humour, especially if they are willing to print such lies. I don’t think we will ever see Will starring in a funny movie.

Eddy Murphy (USA)

{UBBA Magazine apologises, as you are clearly correct. The movie reviewer who brought us this story was  stoned when he went to the cinema.  He recently reviewed “Daddy's Home 2” and thought that was funny too. We will stick to Aunty Lil’s reviews in future.}

Sometimes I think that the people writing letters into UBBA Magazine are complete imbeciles. Especially Tucker Pyles. However, I am more referring to those people who take the headlines on the front cover seriously. I mean seriously? Clearly they are all jokes. Only someone with an IQ in negative figures would actually take them seriously. It should be obvious to any reader that the headlines are jokes, while the material within the magazine itself is for real.

Tim Nice-but-Dim (England) 

I wish to complain bitterly about the fact that all the letters I have sent in over the last few months have been ignored by UBBA Magazine. I have important things to say and feedback to give, but it seems you are unfairly targeting me and completely ignoring my letters. Simply ripping them up and throwing them in the bin. I see that in the previous edition you printed no letters at all. That was clearly to piss me off. You are ubbheads! I demand you print my letter and respond to it this time around. I expect to see an apology written in these braces, { and } italicised. Just like you do for other people who write letters to you.

Tucker Pyles (UBBA Magazine Columnist)

{......}

…………………

Feel free to write in letters about your opinions about UBBA Magazine. We would love to hear from you.

If you have any regular articles you would like to add to UBBA Magazine please contact us. We are always on the look out for contributors and will give you credit where credit is due.

Simply contact the administrator of Recker’s World

Interviewer = Colin Hewgill

Guest = Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson

Colin: Great to be back to conduct another interview with another famous celeb. This one thinks he’s a big Hollywood big shot now and seems to be in one big movie after the other, although I find his movies total crap. He’s a former pro-wrestler and unlike that washed up old has-been Hulk Hogan, who I personally can’t stand, he’s actually had a lot of success in movies, although I’d still rather watch a Hulk Hogan one. Here he is, the Crock, Dwayne Johnson.

Rock: You better watch what you call me, Colin or I’ll whip your candy ass.

Colin: What is it with you and asses? You seem to be obsessed by them. You know, when I think of guys asses… which I normally don’t because I’m straight, I don’t think of candy. You better not be looking too hard at my ass if you know what’s good for you, Crock.

Rock: Watch your step, Colin, I’m warning you. You may be able to bully old men like Prince Charles and John Key, but you’re not going to get away with it with me.

Colin: Oh give me a break, you crock of shit. Just because you’ve been pumping steroids doesn’t mean you have what it takes to win a real fight. Remember, all that stuff you did in the wrestling ring wasn’t real fighting, it was more like dancing.

Rock: You can compare it to dancing if you like, but you don’t get thrown around rings in a dance off.

Colin: Please, don’t try to make out you’re some kind of a tough guy, because you’re not. All we have to do is watch footage of you early on in your wrestling career. One look at that ridiculous haircut you had is enough to tell us you’re more of a mummy’s boy than a tough guy.

Rock: I’ll admit that haircut is an embarrassment now, but I’m no mummy’s boy.

Colin: A Nancy boy then. And what was with all that smiling anyway? You looked more like a clown than a pro-wrestler.

Rock: I was told that I should smile a lot.

Colin: From Mummy and Daddy?

Rock: From my dad and my grandfather.

Colin: Oh, so you’re a daddy’s boy then?

Rock: I’m nobody’s boy and if you don’t get on with this interview, you jabroni, I’ll be taking you for a trip to the Smackdown hotel.

Colin: Oh here we go again with the kinky stuff. I’m not interested in going into hotels with you, alright, Crock? By the way, how dare you use the name the Rock. The real Rock in pro-wrestling was Don "The Rock"  Murroco. You can’t possibly compare to a great like him.

Rock: I took my name Rocky Maivia from both my grandfather and father. Later I shortened it to just the Rock and figured it was a tribute to Don at the same time. He'll always be iconic for the superfly splash he took from Jimmy Snuka all those years ago. 

Colin: Well all you did was insult his name. And now whenever anyone talks about the Rock, they think about you rather than the true legend that is the Rock.

Rock: If you want to say Don Murroco was a better wrestler than me, go right ahead, but many would disagree.

Colin: And they would be morons.

Rock: Ok, well you know what I think? I think…

Colin: It DOESN’T MATTER what you think!  Just know your role and shut your mouth until I have a question to ask.

Rock: Oh so you’re stealing my quotes now?

Colin: At least you won’t hear me talking about shining up things and sticking them up someone’s candy ass. I'm not that perverted. You really are a deviant, aren’t you? Even that old hairstyle of yours showed us that.

Rock: Are you going to ask me any real questions or shall we just get to the whipping candy asses part?

Colin: There you go, talking about asses again. Ok, let’s move on, maybe we can get your mind onto something else. Let’s talk about your movies. How is it that someone as untalented as you can have such a successful movie career? No other pro-wrestler has been able to do that, not even the Pukester. I mean Rowdy Roddy Piper should have had a great movie career, but he didn’t. Andre the Giant was fantastic in “The Princess Bride” but didn’t do much else after that. Jesse Ventura had some great roles alongside guys like Arnold Schwarzenegger, but never made it either. Why you? What makes you different?

Rock: Finally, a serious question.

Colin: Yeah, just don’t make me picture you with that dorky haircut you used to have.

Rock: I’m honoured that I was able to succeed where guys like Hulk Hogan and Roddy Piper didn’t. I guess I had the right package for the movie business.

Colin: Oh, now you’re talking about your penis? First men’s butts and now that?

Rock: I’m not talking about that, although that is pretty impressive, I have to admit.

Colin: Keep that wishful thinking to yourself.

Rock: But just look at me, Col. I’ve got the body, I’ve got the looks and the charisma. I’m still in my prime, while by the time all those other guys were doing movies they were aging and not what they used to be. Plus I can act.

Colin: That’s debatable! Very debatable indeed. You have to be one of the worst actors ever!

Rock: That’s your opinion, Colin and you’re entitled to it.

Colin: The fact is Hollywood is desperate for stars these days. All the good ones are getting too old. Tom Cruise is the only one who still gets to do action movies these days. Even Arnie is playing the part of tired old men now. You’re just lucky you’ve come along at a time where there are no big stars anymore.

Rock: If that’s the way you want to see it, fine.

Colin: That’s the way we ALL see it, Crock. People only go to see your movies because they’re starved for entertainment. You’re being employed simply because you’re a famous former pro-wrestler, or though I don’t know why you’re so famous. If you had been in wrestling ten years earlier, you would have been jobbing to the likes of Hogan, Bret the Hitman Hart and the Macho Man, Randy Savage. Just like with Hollywood now, the WWE were desperate for someone new to be a star when you came along. Stone Cold Steve Austin wasn’t able to carry the federation on his own. Good timing is the reason why you’re a star, Crock.

Rock: Whatever you want to believe, jabroni, but I’ve about had enough of your insults. I think I will end this interview now.

Colin: WRONG, buckweed! I’m ending this interview now. I don’t even know why UBBA Magazine contracted you for this interview. You’re not even worthy of my time. Even Hulk Hogan is more worthy than you and that’s saying something. Oh Mr Nanny, where are you when we need you? So Crock, you can take your candy ass out of here now!

Rock: I fully intend to!

Colin: And enough cooking alright? Nobody wants to smell that shit anymore. Just scram! Go!

The Rock shoves his chair away, climbs to his feet and leaves. 

Colin: Geeze, what is it with these big shot celebrities? Can’t handle a little constructive criticism.

Our resident roving reporter Wal (Will Ullman) reports on one of UBBA Magazine's headlines...

Politicians banned from government!

Well it’s been proven without a shadow of a doubt that politicians should never be allowed in government.  That’s right! Anyone who would want to be a politician is clearly not the sort of person that is suitable to be a politician.

So my solution to the problem is that we the people should choose who should campaign for office and it should be people who really don’t want to go into politics.  People who would never want to be president or prime minister. Those sorts of people, because they are the people who will do a good job.

So anyway, I decided to do my roving reporter thing and do a little research to find out which people groups would be the best type of people to govern our countries. I came up with the following groups as the best fit:

Cleaners

Seeing as just about every country is in a complete mess, it makes sense to vote cleaners into office. They know all about cleaning up shit. They know what to do with and how to get rid of it. And if it seems one of them starts a smear campaign against an opponent, it’s not actually a smear campaign at all. They’re just cleaning up REAL shit that just happened to get splattered over their opponents

Actors

We’ve had one actor as president and he’s looked upon fondly by a lot of people. We’ve also had one or two running for other places in office too like governor. There’s even been popstars in some countries. Actors are great because even if they don’t know what they’re doing they can actually act like they know what they’re doing, so instil in us a little more confidence in our governments.

Non-Donald-Trump Reality TV hosts

All reality TV hosts except for Donald Trump as we know how bad he is. I’m talking about guys like maybe Survivor’s Jeff Probst. Imagine him in office. If somebody isn’t doing their job properly the government could just have its own tribal council and vote out the dead weight. And imagine if England had Gordon Ramsey as PM. He’d be able to simplify all the country’s problems right down to two basic states “It’s RAW!” and “It looks like shit!”  Then all he has to do is bring in the cleaners.

Muppets

Some people say politicians are a bunch of muppets, but I’m talking about the muppets that we actually respect. It was only last year that Vanessa Dante interviewed Kermit the Frog in an edition of UBBA Magazine. Kermit had announced his intention to run for office and become the new president of the USA. I say he and the other muppets would make great candidates and are a lot smarter and more in touch with reality than most politicians.

Atheists

One thing we don’t want is people sitting around praying all day long. That’s not going to solve our problems. The last thing we need is some nut job in power who thinks that God wants them to bring on Armageddon either! We need non-deluded people who are going to get off their butts and take action. People who make their own purposes and meaning in life. People who aren’t just going to sit back and watch this planet go to shit, hoping that God will fix it.  

This edition, we continue to talk about amazing technology the Threrians have developed and use extensively...

Hair Tonic (Vaish Rertfah)

This is a liquid that seems to aid in the implantation of hair. Rub some of this on your chin (or any other part of your body for that matter) and use a special hair implanting device and in seconds you will have a fresh crop of hair.

Heating Devices

Heating devices are definitely not as common as cooling devices and tend to only be used in hot weather, due to the Threrrians apparent desire for extremes of temperature.

Many businesses have electronic devices fitted to suck cold air out of a room, particularly during hotter weather. In the average home however, Threrrians usually settle for devices called nafs, which are more portable and easier to install, however they don’t suck as much cool air as the other devices and tend to draw light objects towards them as well, due to the force of the suction.

Ink Removers (Rertnihrps)

Have a shortage of paper? No problems. Simply place a used sheet of paper into a rertnihrp and in seconds it will erase the ink from it, returning you a fresh sheet of paper. Funnily enough though it seems that some Threrrians find the whole idea of fast ink removal a little too quick and seem to get more enjoyment over an emerging ink removal technology where you place a sheet of paper into a machine and erase each character on the sheet one by one. This may indeed be a great advantage if you wish to erase only part of a document.

If you don’t want to use one of the above mentioned ink removers, it is also possible to get hold of hand held erasers, which will remove ink from a sheet of paper This method, although becoming more popular, is a lot slower.

Psychologist - Dr Kathleen Malcolm comments:

It seems that the Threrrian people actually prefer the long and leisurely approach to getting a job done. Techniques that we on Earth would prefer, because they are faster, are more likely to be utilised, but that is definitely not the case on Threr. In fact there seems to be distaste when it comes to modern technology, with many Threrrians reverting to time consuming and often more primitive means of getting jobs done. Perhaps there is a desire there to get back to nature and return to a world where technology no longer has a foothold? It may go a long way to explaining why Threrrians dislike knowledge and history so much.

Organic Processors

There are many different types of fantastic devices that Threrrians use to process matter so that it can be restored to the environment. Many of these devices are in almost every home on Threr and it is almost a religious devotion to recycling that the average Threrrian undertakes. What these appliances are designed to do is to break down matter to its most basic forms. Here are just a few of them:

1.      Nivuhs. These appliances look exactly like ovens, except that they are not used for cooking. After a regurgitation session some of the barfed up material will be put into dishes or placed onto trays and put into the nivuh where it will be processed. Watching one in operation it seems that it extracts heat from and returns moisture to whatever item has been placed into the nivuh. Those items are then, after a certain period of time, removed for further processing.

2.      Rirdnehlbs. These electric devices are like a jug with a rotary type device inside. Matter is placed into the ridnehlb and it is spun around. Somehow the atoms join together to create actual items of recycled food, which can be removed from the ridnehlb and sold. 

How to create your own religion

Part 2

Pastor Jakes continues to talk about what you can do to create your own religion.

Continued from Part 1.

I don’t like the word “religious!”

Who does? It’s lumping yourself into a category of a whole lot of false religions. A whole lot of people who ware deluded and stupid. Why would you want to be considered religious?

My advice is to let the people know that your religion is not so much a religion, but a RELATIONSHIP with God. That will make your people feel that their religious rituals and rites are something special and not just plain old religion mumbo jumbo like every other religion. Even though they may continue to practice these rituals religiously (eg prayer, readings, baptisms, food and drink rituals), they can still say “Mine is not a religion! It’s a relationship with God!” They can feel good about it. Nobody outside of your religion will take you seriously, but those who are part of it will believe it and insist upon it. That’s all that matters. It’s a sure way to make your people feel as though they are elite.

Use fear tactics

Any successful religion uses fear tactics to gain converts and you need to do the same. By incorporating, something like Hell into the religion will scare people. You can use that to threaten them to conform.

If you want people to dedicate their lives to you and give up everything, there needs to be a threat… more terror… more motivation to get them to follow you. You have to make Hell sound so absolutely horrific that it scares even the bravest of souls. You have to turn it into eternal suffering if you wish to scare people more effectively. Burning for all eternity is the most horrific of thoughts. This will also ensure that once your converts are under your control, they will be too scared to “quit” for fear of suffering your God’s wrath.

Sure, nobody will be able to claim your god is loving, but you’re not after love, right? You’re just after power, worship and riches. You want people to grovel at your god’s feet like every other god ever invented by man.

One other thing. Don’t consider people innocent until proven guilty. Consider them guilty until proven innocent. They are evil and sinful by DEFAULT! GUILTY by default! Just like with Jesus Christ. That is a much scarier thought.

Dealing with dissent

Sometimes even the threats of eternal damnation are not going to stop people from leaving your faith. When someone realises just how absurd and ridiculous your teachings are… when someone sees that it just can’t possibly be true, even threats of Hell aren’t going to frighten them, because they’ll see that as nonsense too, especially if your God is supposed to be loving and kind.

The biggest danger to any religion is apostates as they are the ones who have learnt first-hand what nonsense their religions are.  If you are having trouble with apostasy it is very dangerous for your religion because people are more likely to take them seriously. You must quickly stomp out this threat and brand this person as evil… label him a sinner and someone who was never a true member of your religion to begin with. You must discredit them immediately. So tell all your congregation that he was simply a pretender and was never really truly of your religion. Make it quite clear that those who are not for you are against you and that this person is nothing more than an evil person who hates God and wants to sin. This person just wants to sully your good name and destroy the good work you are doing. DEMONISE this person immediately!

Concluded next edition... 

 Letters

Dear Pastor Jake

Thank you for your messages in the previous edition of UBBA Magazine. I have been one of those Christians that believed that Christianity was something special. That it was not a religion, but a relationship with God. I can see now that I was simply deluding myself. Christianity is full of religious ritual, which most of us do every day. Simply saying grace at meal times and having regular quiet times is all religious ritual. Going to church each Sunday and even prayer. Thank you for reminding us Christians that we should all be humble like Jesus is and not attempt to elevate ourselves over others.

Don Goodman

Dear Good man

Thank you for your letter. It is great when a man of pride realises his mistakes and stops trying to make himself out to be something more special than what he is. GLORY!

Dear Pastor Jake

Things are going well with my religion I have created. (It’s me the Emissary for Pylism).  With all the threats and also promises of rewards after we die, I am managing to make a little profit out of my religion. I actually bought myself a brand new suit so that I could look like those other bigshot church pastors. I’m still a long way from getting my own jet fleet though, but I’m feeling confident the time will come. The only problem is that many of my followers have been critical about the fact I am able to afford expensive new suits. They are questioning how much of the money I am getting from their tithes and offerings for my own salary. What can I say to convince them that it’s ok for me to gain so many financial benefits from their money?

Tucker Pyles – The emissary for Pylism (and UBBA Magazine columnist)

Dear Tucker

Every pastor of a big church benefits financially from the hard-earned money of their congregation. That is why most of them become church pastors... for money, power and adoration. There are always families struggling to pay the bills who have been convinced they still need to tithe. There are those who will give up their entire life savings to the church to gain supposed rewards in the afterlife and the church leaders can cash in on that.

Most church leaders are discrete about their large salaries and don’t make it obvious, but others just can’t help themselves, so buy new cars, new houses, travel overseas and yes buy flash new suits. Those ones have it sussed though, because they preach the prosperity gospel, which in effect means they can claim that all the money they get from you are blessings from God because he wants to rewards you and your works.  You can even claim that God blessed you with cash donations that come from anonymous sources and it’s all because you have been a faithful servant. Praise the lord!

To make it look like you truly are a saint you can actually tithe huge amounts of your income back to the church. You can tithe 50% rather than 10% and have all the congregation thinking how generous you are. Wow! They will say. You are giving so much of your income back to God. So much of the money you have been blessed with you are channeling back into the church, back into ministries. What a guy!

How can you possibly afford to give 50% of your income back to God? Easy! Just double the amount of salary you were going to pay yourself to begin with. That’s what the big church pastors do! GLORY!

Dear Pastor Jake

Reading your column in the previous edition of UBBA, I was challenged when it came to your thoughts on dealing with contradictions and errors in teachings. As with any religion, there is a need to do a lot of twisting and turning of scriptures to straightening things out. Christianity is a classic example. In fact, there is a whole area of study completely dedicated to overcoming the errors and absurdities in the bible called “apologetics.” Apologetics is simply a way of twisting and turning scripture to help justify one’s beliefs and views.  It is unfortunately something I am not very good at. Does Pastor Jake Ministries have any correspondence courses I can do on Apologetics?

Miss Denise Leaning

Dear Miss Learning

Indeed, we do have a course, in fact we have many that seekers of knowledge like yourself will get great benefit of. As it happens we have the exact one you are looking for. It is called “Apologetics – Shucking and Jiving your way through the bible”. For a paltry fee of $2500 you can study this course in the comfort of your own home. It will teach you how to conjure up your own justifications for bible errors, contradictions and absurdities. People will look to you for the answers to their questions. 

In this regular feature, Mad Dave Harris brings you television shows from the past and gives his spin on them.

This Edition:

Happy Days are here again?  Well it sure gets repeated enough on television, doesn't it? 

I have to wonder though, was life really like this for teenagers back in the 50s? Did they really hang out in burger bars eating burgers and drinking milkshakes? No sir, I find it hard to believe that would be the case. When I was a teenager, we were smoking cigarettes, sipping from bottles of Bourbon we stole out of our parent’s liquor cabinet and flicking through dirty magazines we’d managed to score from our older brothers.  Milkshakes? Gordon Bennett! Sure, I enjoy a milkshake with my fish and chips, but I’d rather have a beer!

I guess if I’d been a greaser in the 50s like old Fonzie, I’d probably be riding around on motor bikes, wearing leather jackets and clicking my fingers hoping girls would swamp me. I’d probably more likely get a slap in the face, but hey we can dream can’t we? The thing is, if I were a greaser I’d be hanging out with bad company, doing drugs, getting into street brawls and getting myself arrested on a regular basis. But Fonzie never had that problem. Yeah, he did have a crooked cop after him from time to time, but he was hardly your typical gangster, that’s for sure!  He hung out in a toilet for Chrise’s sake! His so-called office! And his best buddies were the ones eating the burgers and drinking milkshakes! The geeks! The nerds! Seriously? This was the bad boy? The rebel without a cause?

I just don’t buy it, no sir. Ok, I can dig the leather jacket being attire for all occasions. Just slap on a tie for a wedding or a funeral and you’re still cool, but otherwise I can’t imagine anyone like the Fonz in the 50s. He would have been an enigma. Still wish I had his special powers though, like being able to get girls to come to him with a click of the fingers or thump something and make it work, not to mention being able to jump sharks… ok let’s definitely not mention that. We don’t want to be talking about jumping the shark when it comes to this particular TV show.

So we have the Fonz, this really cool guy who hangs out in toilets and then we have the Cunninghams, kind of like his adopted family.  They are actually what this show is mainly about and they’re supposed to be this ideal little American apple-pie type family (But not in an "American Pie" type of way.. you know the movie with Band Camp and that scene in the kitchen where... never mind).  They’re like the family that every family should aspire to be like. The father is the bread winner and the mother is in the kitchen making sure everyone’s dinner is on the table. Just like every mother should be right? Yeah! (OK, I did not say that. Not really. Your eyes are playing tricks on you, that’s all. Learn to read properly, Jack!)

But are they?

This family isn’t all as nice as what you might think. In fact, they have a nasty deep dark secret, something that they kind of just swept under the carpet. I’m talking about Chuck Cunningham! That’s right, the son they disowned. The son they supposedly loved one day and then the next he was gone, never to be mentioned again. Mr Cunningham even talked about his ONLY two children… yes only two. Although there were three originally!

Was Chuck really such a bad egg? Well yes, he was! After all he ended up as a gang leader in the movie Death Wish 3, trying to kill Charles Bronson, so it’s not surprising his family wanted nothing to do with him. Nevertheless, the dark secret of the Cunninghams wasn’t Chuck, it was the fact that they would disown their very own son! THAT is the deep dark secret. This family wasn’t all as pure and sweet as they made out to be.

Perhaps they felt guilty about disowning him? Perhaps that’s why they took in the Fonz as kind of like their surrogate bad egg child.  Perhaps Chuck just wasn’t the kind of bad egg they wanted in their family? They wanted one who was just a pretend bad egg. One who was deep down a hell of a nice guy.

Or maybe they were just a bunch of A holes?

Sit on THAT Howard Cunningham!

In this regular feature,

Aunty Lil reviews a famous movie from the past. 

This Edition:

Warning: Contains spoilers

I thought the songs they sung in Sound of Music were some of the most puerile and annoying I’d ever heard, but that was until I watched Willy Wanka and the Chocolate Factory!

Willy Wanka? What kind of pornographic name is that?  And isn’t the name “Willy” kind of redundant?  Well I say you ought to be made redundant if you enjoyed watching this piece of rubbish.  You have this obvious pedophile; Wanka who has built a chocolate factory and still couldn’t get any children to work for him, so got the next best thing he could, Oompa Loompas.

But Willy Wanka becomes bored with his orange imps, so comes up with a way to lure REAL children into his snare by offering 5 of them a chance to visit his factory and win life supplies of chocolate. Of course, he was well aware that he’d only have to supply them with about two years’ worth because they wouldn’t last much longer than that due to contracting heart disease or diabetes.

So you have five brats who go to the factory little knowing that Wanka has plans to keep one of them there forever in his factory as a slave. Now don’t get me started on how outraged I was how this all turned out. The most loveable and sweetest of all the children was eliminated first! That’s right, beautiful, adorable Augustus Poop was tricked into drinking from the chocolate river and sucked up through a pipe, thus taking him out of the running for the final prize. I guess I should be happy about that, as it meant he escaped the clutches of the evil Wanka, but all I felt was a great sadness that they had eliminated the most virtuous of the children first! In fact all but one of the kiddies were lured into traps, where Wanka targeted their weaknesses, knowing full well they would fail. 

The others were all nasty little shits though. You have that snobby little rich bitch Verucca Slat being the next to go, thrown down the garbage chute, where the script for this movie should have gone as soon as the producers got a hold of it. Then you have the equally as galling Violet Buttregard being blown up into a blueberry using some of the worst special effects I’ve ever seen in a movie. Did the director seriously expect us to believe that blue light shining on the face of an actress was really her skin turning blue? Then of course there was that lazy little good-for-nothing Mike Sleezee, getting shrunk into a miniature version. I sure wish I could do that trick to my son Tucker!

Then comes the worst of all the kids and the one that this movie focuses on. The extremely horrible and immoral Charlie Bonkit!  What was the author of this story thinking when he made that little shit the main character? The boy has very few redeeming features at all! Not only is he obsessed with chocolate, but he’s a thief! He stole fizzy lifting drinks! He VANDALIZED the factory! How was he possibly able to get away with that attrocity? You never saw any of the other kids stealing anything. Just Charlie Bonkit!  Appalling. And due to the fact, he was the only child who made it through the entire factory, Willy Wanka was FORCED to accept him as his apprentice!

Appalling. Absolutely appalling.  What is this teaching our children? That they can steal and still be given huge rewards? Sickening! Truly sickening indeed! It also teaches us that you can have a healthy diet of nothing but sweets. I don’t know about you but I don’t want children thinking that! After all I want all the sweets for myself!

So all I have to say now is… Oompa Loompa doompity doo… I have advice especially for you… Watch this movie and you will spew… like the Oompa Loompa doompity do!

Stars = 1

Reviewer = Aunty Lil 

Disclaimer: UBBA Magazine advises you not to take Uncle Tuck's advice... unless you are a moron, in which case the world would be better off without you.

Remember, if you too have a problem (no matter how stupid it is... even if its a made up one) just send in your letter and Uncle Tucker will attempt to solve it.

Hi everyone, it’s your Uncle Tuck back again to clean up your muck. Now I’ve had some threats lately about my advice going wrong and even had people threatening to harm me. I have to tell you again, that nothing I have advised is bad advice. The problem is my advice is a lot like the bible. Some of its literal and some of its metaphorical. If you can’t figure out which bits are and which bits aren’t, then don’t come crying to me unless you want a can of ass gas opened up on you, alright? Ubbheads!

I have been spending a bit of time with Pastor Jake recently and have decided that he has a lot of good advice to give. I have decided that I am going to look at things from a godly perspective this edition. Prepare for some great advice that God himself would give you.

Dear Uncle Tuck

I am desperately in need of a kidney transplant operation and require $2500 dollars for an operation, but I just don’t have that money. Could UBBA Magazine or its readers could help in some way financially? Or do you have some other advice that will help me.

Desperate

Reply

What are you doing asking people for money? All you need to do is pray to God about it and he will either replace your kidney miraculously or provide the funds for the operation himself. No need to go asking us for money. Rely on God. I will even pray for you myself.

Dear Uncle Tuck

I am a student and have some major examinations coming up soon. The thing is, whenever I have to sit a test, I just get so much anxiety and I just can’t focus during the exam. I just can’t seem to get my head right in a way that I can answer the questions. How can I overcome this problem?

Stressed out

Reply

Well if I were just giving my normal advice, I’d tell you what I used to do when it came to exams at school and that was cheat. Bring the answers in with me, either on some note paper or written on various parts of my body. Although I quickly learnt that there were some parts of your body you didn’t write on as if you are caught pulling your pants down during an exam, you’ll soon find yourself kicked out of there! The thing is I’m supposed to be giving you godly advice this edition, so I’m going to suggest you do a form of cheating that is actually accepted for some reason. I’m going to suggest you pray for help. Ask God to help you remember the things you need to remember and for the answers to come to mind when you need them. What a great way to cheat right? Having God there to help you pass the test. A way to cheat without actually being accused of cheating.

Dear Uncle Tuck

I hope you haven’t forgotten about me, you useless piece of crap. I’m the guy in prison because of your stupid advice about wearing masks to escape the police! I can’t believe I’m back in this rathole again and its all because of your stupidity and incompetence! I am in the process of preparing for my escape so that I can come and kill you! I have a hole dug in my wall behind a poster of Rita Hayworth and I even have the prison warden putting his trust in me having me do his bookwork for him in his office.  I have some pals helping me out to ensure the escape goes smoothly. I have a cell mate call Sucker who is keeping watch for guards while I dig my tunnel and I have a guy who provides me with all the tools I need called Flat Note. I also have a mob boss friend called John Bruiser who is going to ensure there is an aircraft waiting for us after our escape. The only problem is I have this guy called Rat Bag who is threatening to blow the whistle on our escape plan if we don’t include him in it. Perhaps you can advise me on how I can deal with this jerk?

Pestered by rodents

Reply

Well I appreciate that you are willing to confide in me over your problem with this Rat Bag guy. I should refuse to give you any advice as you clearly can’t follow it and now you want to blame me for your own stupidity. However, I am here to do a job and that’s provide advice. My mother always told me that if I really need something done, I should pray about it. So how about praying to God that this Rat Bag guy will die of a heart attack or something like that? Then you’ll be free of the ubbhead.

Dear Uncle Tuck

I am currently searching for employment and have been searching now for 9 months and have had no luck at all. I have attended plenty of job interviews, but I never seem to impress potential employers. Please can I have some advice to improve my chances of gaining employment.

Layabout

Reply

That’s easy, my friend. Simply pray to God to help you. Pray that God will violate the freewill of your potential employers by forcing them to choose you over other candidates, even though those other candidates may be more suitable for the job. God will happily violate their freewill and force them to choose you over others. He does it for Christians all the time.

Disclaimer: All articles in this magazine are the views of the authors and none of it is to be taken seriously. Interviews are purely fictional and letters are not written by the assigned people.

All writings copyrighted, UBBA Magazine 2018