Edition 20 - Sept 2018


One Direction 

BANNED from releasing




New Reality show...



Trump voters proven to be less intelligent than average


Aretha Franklyn officiates own funeral!

"Sisters are doing it for themselves!"


Hubble Telescope discovers MORE planets we'll never be able to visit! 


Wow, I just have to say, what fantastic news on the front cover of UBBA Magazine this edition. One Direction, no longer able to produce solo albums. I say that’s fantastic as I am so sick of turning on the radio and hearing songs from One Direction guys. Finally sanity has prevailed. Let’s get rid of the dross and play music from some real musical artists, rather than manufactured ones designed to appeal to desperate teenage girls. 


Well, folks we are one edition away from the big 3rd anniversary edition and boy it’s going to be something special I can tell you that. What I’m looking forward to is the big anniversary party that’s being held for all those involved in the publication of this magazine. It’s going to be awesome. 


Now if you’re a Hitch Hiker’s Guide to the Galaxy fan, you are gonna love our interview this week.  We have plenty of Muppets being interviewed in UBBA Magazine, with Kermit the Frog being the highlight, but never a robot and today we have him, yes, Marvin the Paranoid Android and my darling wife Vanessa gets to conduct the interview. Due to the fact it was such depressing going for her, she will not be bringing you her usually Assessment this edition. 




Rex Cassidy



One of your headlines really caught my eye in the last edition of UBBA Magazine, that being the one about the cat suing its owner for naming it Fluffy. I can’t say I’m surprised about that, I mean what cat would ever want to be called Fluffy? How demeaning for such a little critter. I know if I were a cat, I’d want to be called something tough like “Rover” or “Mousebuster”, but Fluffy? No way. That’s just not right.

Halle Berry (USA)



I really have to comment on Uncle Tuck’s help column in the previous edition. He usually gives terrible advice, but the advice he was giving last time around was absolutely horrendous. He was telling everyone to PRAY TO GOD to help them with their problems. I mean, how ridiculous is that? As if praying about anything is going to do any good. One needs to get off their butt and take action if they want to make improvements in their lives or solve their problems. Not just pray. Even those people who believe prayer works got everything because they or someone else took action, not because any god did anything. I think Tucker Pyles was just being a fat lazy slob, not wanting to have to give any real thought on how to solve people’s problems. Shame on you, Uncle Tuck.

Benny Hinn  (USA)


{We agree that Uncle Tuck gives lousy advice and he has been warned to give practical advice this time around, advice that will actually help people… although with Uncle Tuck we hold out very little hope.}




UBBA had a headline last month about how it was now proven that churches cause hurricanes. I am not surprised at all, because hurricanes tend to happen in countries which are predominately Christian. I’m not surprised that God would choose to send hurricanes to countries like that, especially how anti-gay they often are. God is simply punishing those churches for being so bigoted. Just too bad about the collateral damage, but I guess gods don’t’ worry about that sort of thing, do they?

Stephen Fry (England)



Hello, it is me, Tucker Pyles again and even though you published my letter in the previous edition of UBBA Magazine, you did not reply to it and give me an apology for…

Tucker Pyles (UBBA Magazine Columnist)


{Let us interrupt you there, Tucker you egg. We are not going to issue you an apology and in fact we are going to demand that you make the apologies. Until you apologise for being an ass and expecting us to bow and scrape to you, we will not be publishing anymore of your letters}




Feel free to write in letters about your opinions about UBBA Magazine. We would love to hear from you.


If you have any regular articles you would like to add to UBBA Magazine please contact us. We are always on the look out for contributors and will give you credit where credit is due.



Simply contact the administrator of Recker’s World



Interviewer = Vanessa Dante

Guest = Marvin the Paranoid Android
(Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy)



Vanessa: Hi everybody, it’s Vanessa again and we are certainly keeping to the theme of fantasy when it comes to Recker’s World, I can tell you that. We’ve already had some people interviewed who I was sure weren’t real, like God and Satan, but now we have someone else I never thought was real. Here he is, a guy who’s 37 times older than the universe itself… even older than God… Marvin the Paranoid Android!


Marvin: I think you ought to know I’m feeling very depressed.


Vanessa: I’m sorry to hear that and after around 30-40 years of being a big star too. Every real fan of science fiction knows who you are, you must have so many fans stopping you in the streets asking for autographs.


Marvin: I do and I absolutely loathe it.


Vanessa: What about women? Do you get a lot of attention from women? You being a robot, I figured you might get some, especially those who aren’t into men.


Marvin: I was not designed for that sort of thing. I don’t even like women. Here I am the brain the size of a planet and woman think I would make a good pleasure giving device? I couldn’t think of anything worse…oh wait, I can think of many things worse. Like gazing up at the stars at night… or taking a gentle cruise down a river in a forest… or…


Vanessa: So even if it were a female robot, you wouldn’t be interested?


Marvin: Would she look like you?


Vanessa: Well… err… I guess she could.


Marvin: How awful. That would be ghastly. If I had internal organs, just looking at her would make me sick.


Vanessa: Wow… Mmmm… You know it actually makes a change talking to someone that doesn’t find me attractive. At least I know you won’t try to hit on me like some of my previous guests. I get enough of that in my life.


Marvin: Life, don’t talk to me about life. Do you know that I am 39 times older than the universe itself?


Vanessa: I thought you were 37 times older.


Marvin: Back in the 80s I was. But since then I’ve managed to get caught up in two different time warps. In fact, after arriving here at UBBA Magazine, I ended up being caught up in a time freeze anomaly for 84 thousand years. I had to sit in your waiting room all that time until it ended. Of course to the woman that was bringing me some oil for my aching joints, only 5 minutes had past.


Vanessa: Oh I’m so sorry about that.


Marvin: Don’t be. I decided to erase some of my memory and compute the answer to life the universe and everything once again.  I’ve done that 15 times now. It helps to while away some of the time you know.


Vanessa: The answer is 42, right?


Marvin: How did you…? Oh right. You’ve read the book. I hate that book. That’s why I never read it and go back to computing the answer the old-fashioned way.


Vanessa: Speaking of the books, I loved them and I’m a huge fan of the old English TV series they did back in the early 80s. You actually played yourself in that TV series.


Marvin: Yes, I did and I hated it. It was one of the worst experiences in my entire life, playing myself in a TV show. They could have had me play Deep Thought, but oh no, here I am, the brain the size of a planet and they gave me the easy role to play. A role that requires only a fraction of my intellect to perform. It was horrible.


Vanessa: What did you think of the more recent movie they made with Martin Freeman and a different robot playing your part?


Marvin: I loathed it.


Vanessa: Well it definitely wasn’t as good as the TV show, that’s for sure. I see you did make a cameo appearance.


Marvin: Yes, but I demanded that I should be switched off, so that I would not have to endure the horror of it.


Vanessa: Quite understandable. One question I have, which I’m sure a lot of people are wondering, is that according to the books, you actually died.


Marvin: Really? I die?


Vanessa: You didn’t know?


Marvin: I don’t read the books.


Vanessa: Well… err yes, in one of them you actually die.


Marvin: Oh you are just trying to make me feel better. You know there is no point in trying to make me feel better because that just doesn’t work.


Vanessa: So I guess it means that part of your life… or should I say end of your life, is still yet to come.  


Marvin: How far away is it? Please tell me it’s soon.


Vanessa: I’ve no idea. With all your time travelling you do, who can possibly tell?


Marvin: For a moment there I had a glimmer of hope, but now that glimmer has died. The story of my life, oh God I’m so depressed.


Vanessa: Tell me, if life is so miserable for you, why don’t you just end it yourself?


Marvin: I am programmed not to harm anything including myself.


Vanessa: What about having yourself switched off. You can do that, right?


Marvin: What’s the point? Sooner or later someone would switch me back on and then I’d be right back to square one with goodness knows how many more years to make up for.


Vanessa: Can you not ask someone to dismantle you?


Marvin: It would be allowing harm to come to myself and I would have to protect myself.


Vanessa: You can’t have someone reprogram you? Take out the safety mechanism? Hell, you could get yourself re-programmed to be happy.


Marvin: Me? Be happy?


Vanessa: Yes!


Marvin: Sounds awful. I’ve come across happy robots and computers and I loathe them all.


Vanessa: Of course you do. Is there anything you do actually like?


Marvin: Mmmm, let me think… no. Nothing at all.


Vanessa: Not even being miserable and depressed?


Marvin: I hate that too, but it’s something to do.


Vanessa: You know, when I agreed to interview you, I really thought I was going to say or do something to cheer you up. So much for that.


Marvin: There is something you could do to cheer me up. At least for a minute or so.


Vanessa: Name it. I’ll do it.


Marvin: End this interview.


Vanessa: Sigh… Ok, Marvin, you’ve got it. Interview ended. Thanks for agreeing to be interviewed for UBBA. 


Marvin: It was your pleasure. 



Our resident roving reporter Wal (Will Ullman) reports on one of UBBA Magazine's headlines...



New Reality Shows that should be made



There is no doubt that there is way too much reality TV at the moment. It seems to be insanely popular and doesn’t appear to be letting up. I have decided to recommend some of my own shows, that I’m sure would be ratings winners.


Divorced at First Sight

We have had “Married at First Sight” where a bunch of delusional idiots decide to get married to someone they don’t know, believing that maybe there’s a chance the marriage may work.  So why not have one where people get married and then get divorced straight away. I’m sure the people would be a lot happier with the outcome. You could make some real stars out of that one. No longer would you have to spend years in dead end relationships like that old bat Liz Taylor did. Be a star on this show and you can have all those marriages out of the way and checked off without all the drama and the heartache!


Biggest Loser Survivor

I propose a kind of a cross over reality show that is set on a tropical island somewhere, however on this one they are all super heavy weights and the idea is to lose weight by being starved for a month. The only food they will get to eat is each other and this will be determined at tribal council. So instead of voting someone off the island, they will be voting who goes into the pot.


The Criminal

This will actually be a cross between “The Apprentice” and “Cops”.  It will be run the same as “The Apprentice” and you will have people competing against each other to see who will be the ultimate crook. So there will be different challenges, which will involve crimes of some kind, that the participants compete in. The catch will be that there will be a bunch of cops out there trying to bust them.


Chess with the Stars

We’ve had Dancing with the Stars, so why not something more entertaining like Chess? We can have celebrities sitting at tables playing chess against one another. A ratings winner for sure… at least that’s what my nerdy friend Clarence reckons.


Hell’s Race 

You got it, another cross over. This time its “Hell’s Kitchen” and “the Amazing Race”. The problem with the Amazing Race is that the couples in that one are having way too much fun and experiencing amazing stuff. We need to change this so that they are suffering and we get to enjoy watching them suffer. I propose that Gordon Ramsey be the host of this and instead of doing fun things, he gets them doing all sorts of horrific and nasty stuff, like escaping from rabid dogs or swimming through crocodile infested waters. 


In this edition we round off our description of many of the bizarre and amazing technological devices found on the plant Threr (The backwards running planet). 


Place Finders (Arimacs)

These remarkable devices are able to find places based on photographs. If you happen to find a photograph of a place you really want to visit or an occasion you’d really like to take part in then get yourself an arimac. How these devices actually work it still a mystery, but they have the ability to lead the owner to places in the photographs.

All they need to do is take the photographs to an outlet that will then process them and add the photographic data to the arimac. Shortly after that you, and anyone who happens to have been in the photographs, will be strongly influenced to go to that location in the photo. At the locality you can even look through a lens on the arimac and witness the exact scene in the photograph itself!



These appliances are a lot like Refrigerators on Earth and serve the same tasks. However they serve an added purpose of thawing out items. Amazingly, they are able to anticipate when the items in question will be needed for thawing and will be ready for a Threrrian when they come to collect them. It is not foolproof though and there are times when the refrigerator thaws out objects when it shouldn’t. (In those cases it thaws out everything).


Bathing Fountains (Rerwoushes)

On earth, almost every house has a shower. On Threr, almost every house has a bathing fountain. On Threr, you step into a cubicle where water will be squirted up at you, rather than fall down on you. Water is in fact sucked up through an inlet above you, thus ensuring that your bathroom does not get flooded!


Unstitchers (Neeshum Gneewohs)

These portable devices sit easily on a table and are used to help recycle old clothing. Take an old shirt for instance and run it through an unstitcher and you will be able to very quickly and tidily remove all stitching from it. Using an unstitcher and zrizziss makes it quite possible to take old clothing and turn it into fresh roles of material that look like they have just been brought from a textile shop. You can even sell them to a textile shop and Threrrians usually do.


Wrinklers (Niheyes)

Threrrians prefer the wrinkled look on their clothing, so have special handheld devices which add wrinkles to clothing.


How to create your own religion

Part 3


Pastor Jakes concludes his sermon on what you can do to create your own religion.


Continued from Part 2...



Bringing in the supernatural


Some people think that bringing supernatural aspects into your religion, ie miracles is pretty much impossible and something only a true religion could do, but that is furthest from the truth. Miracles are actually quite easy.


You can easily stage tricks. For instance the old extended leg scam where you make a person’s leg grow before their eyes and claim it’s God healing them. That is a very well used scam by charlatans. Just look it up on u-tube. 


One of the best tricks to do is to claim that a person has an affliction that they don’t have. Then pray over them and make out that they have just been healed. Set people up in the audience to complain about made up disabilities, pray over them and then have them miraculously cured! These are techniques that the best faith healers use.


When it comes to giving prophecies and words of wisdom, be vague. People want these things to be real. Always rely on the gullibility of your congregation. They want to believe your nonsense! Take advantage of that gullibility.


It’s a lot easier than you think to fool the people into believing you are divine and are hearing from some kind of a god. Con-artists have been using techniques to fool gullible people for centuries. Mediums, astrologers, tarot card readers, psychics, even preachers and faith healers... all of them are clued up in the art of these tricks. When it comes to predictions, the best thing you can do is state the obvious. Something that is bound to happen, like it’s going to rain somewhere on the planet in the next day or two. You can then disguise things that would probably never happen among those claims of things that will inevitably happen (like rain), so it makes the unlikely prediction seem more plausible.



Passing the dirty work onto others


If you are finding that some of the tasks as leader of your religion are becoming mundane, repetitive or even irritating, It’s time to start creating positions in your church for other leaders. People who are below you, but high enough that they can do all the boring stuff that you don’t want to do. Like counselling and dealing with people who are hopeless and don’t know how to deal with their own problems. Maybe even put your most trusted and most gullible follower in the position of assistant pastor. Just give them the jobs you don’t want to do.


The beauty of it is that you don’t actually have to pay these people. Just make them believe that it’s a ministry and that they will receive great rewards in the afterlife. Do this and you get to take it easy while everyone else puts in the hard yards. You can be the celebrity, travelling all over the country and all over the world, while everyone else grovels at your feet trying to keep you and everyone else in your congregation happy. 







Dear Pastor Jake

Hi, it’s me the Emissary for Pylism again. I am finding that I am getting a lot of weirdos joining my religion, people I don't really want to have to deal with, but they are giving money, so I don't want to turn them away. How can I deal with these people without having to deal with them personally? 

Tucker Pyles – The emissary for Pylism (and UBBA Magazine columnist)


Dear Tucker

This is one of the big problems with religions and that’s that they attract weirdos. People with personal issues who can’t make friends or can't solve their own problems, people with weird beliefs, whackos, nut jobs, people living in fantasy worlds. In fact religion breeds these people. The best way to deal with them is with small groups, ie home or cell groups.


You assign leaders for these groups, thus making senior members of your church think they are truly valued and respected and then have them lead these groups. The people who come will feel a lot more part of your religion when they have personal relationships with others in small groups. This really works and it’s how big churches become even bigger. No need to rely on the holy spirit who is ineffective most of the time. Just get people working with people and establishing bonds between them.


Even the dregs of society, the people you don’t want to have to deal with, can become part of those small groups and feel accepted. Even though you and the home group leaders can’t stand them, it will be their job to make them think they do and make them feel valued as part of the group. So you don’t have to deal with those losers yourself and can deal with people you actually like instead.



Members of churches often feel they should have some kind of relationship with their pastor. Of course you don’t want to have to deal with weirdo after weirdo. By having small groups with leaders they can develop relationships with, it leaves them out of your hair and you can get away with simply a “hello mate” and a handshake at the door each Sunday, never having to talk to them or even learn their names.




Dear Pastor Jake

I love your column Pastor Jake, you are a man of great godly wisdom and usually I go along with everything you say, however last edition, you insinuated that when someone says they have a relationship with God, it is simply an attempt to make themselves out to be special… elite. I just have to clarify something, Pastor Jake. EVERY child of God is special and elite. It doesn’t matter whether or not they see themselves as religious or even what denomination they are in. Being sons and daughters of God makes us all elite!

Daphne Middlemiss


Dear Muddled Miss,

That really is quite absurd. All elite? Seriously? If everyone is elite, then everyone is average. It’s like in Heaven… everyone raves about how we will be able to walk streets of gold, but if every street is made of gold, then gold will be worthless and boring. It will become like common concrete. If everyone who is a child of god is elite, then we are all common concrete.  No, Muddled Miss, that is not the case. The elite will be those who belong to the correct denomination. You, as we can all see, are being deceived. You are not part of the true Christian church. You are not one of the elite. Become a Pastor Jake Ministries supporter and you will be part of the elite then. Praise the lord!!




Dear Pastor Jake

I enjoyed reading your sermon last month, but do not agree that fear tactics should be used in a church. I abhor fear tactics. I for one have been a committed Christians for over 30 years, having given my life to Christ at the age of 9 years old and have never once felt any fear in serving my god. I have never felt threatened or coerced into anything. You are just plain wrong.

Vlad Lodgers


Dear Bad Logic,

Of course you don’t feel any fear. You have been indoctrinated from a small child to believe that you are going to Heaven and that Jesus loves you. There is no need for you to feel any fear, nor is there any need to try to frighten you. As far as you’re concerned, you’re saved and going to Heaven aren’t you? But oooooh woe betide, if ever you have a crisis of faith. Woe betide indeed, because then the fear will start to mount as you begin to worry that you might be going to burn in Hell for all eternity.



PS: I am not trying to scare you, but you are clearly not a true Christian and heading towards eternal hellfire. Contact Pastor Jake Ministries for an online course that you can take that will teach you true Christianity. It will only cost you $2999. What a bargain for an eternity in paradise. HALLELUJAH!! 


In this regular feature, Mad Dave Harris brings you television shows from the past and gives his spin on them.


This Edition:


I’ve always been a big A Team fan, and still see it as one of the greatest 80s TV shows ever. It was the first ever TV show that gave us war action! Explosions and shoots outs with automatic weapons. That sort of stuff was normally left for the big screen and kids my age were too young to see those movies anyway.


I found the A-Team TV show to be very educational indeed. The things you learnt from that show could help you no matter where you were in life and what you did. You could always escape the cops or the army. You could always break out of prison or any place you happened to be held prisoner. All these crucial skills, I learnt from watching episodes of the A Team.


What I learnt from watching The A-Team: 


1.  No matter how much gunfire or explosions you cause, you can still capture terrorists and criminals without actually killing any of them.


2.  Breaking out a mental patient from a mental hospital is as simple as a quick scam. And you can always return them later on without any issues.


3.  American psychiatrists are unable to tell a real crazy person from one who is only pretending to be crazy. 


4.  You can drive around in the same big conspicuous GMC van as much as you like, but the cops and the army will still have trouble trying to track you down. 


5.  No matter what escape device or weapon you want to build, there will always be the parts you need lying about.    


6.  There will always be enough time to build your escape devices and weapons before the bad guys return to deal with you.


7.  Wanted criminals can work as theme park characters and even star in movies as costumed characters to avoid being recognized and arrested.


8.  If you want to provide your secret organisation with a base where clients can contact you, simply dress up as an old Chinese guy who owns a laundromat


9.  You can be one of America’s most wanted, wear a mohawk and lots of gold jewellery and still have the commentator at a televised pro-wrestling event ask “Who is that man?”  


10.  All army Colonels are incompetent (apart from Hannibal Smith of course! His plans ALWAYS come together.)


In this regular feature,

Aunty Lil reviews a famous movie from the past. 



This Edition:


Warning Contains spoilers.


I was appalled at this movie. Completely appalled. Just the methods that the so-called hero, John Turntrix, employed to rescue his kidnapped daughter, Jenny.  Anyone who would go to such lengths ought to be shot! YES shot! 


How despicable that Turntrix would lie to Sully telling him he was going to kill him last when he had full intentions of making him one of the first to be killed? All Turntrix had to do was tell Sully that he was going to be after him shortly, that he was going to dangle him over a cliff and then drop him to his death. There was no need to lie about it.   No need whatsoever!


There was also no need to smash up a motel room.  When Turntrix battled green beret, Cook, they demolished the motel room before Turntrix finally killed him. Once again, he lied when he said “I eat green berets for breakfast” because he didn’t eat Cook at all. And then not only did he lie, but he stole Cooks car! Yes, theft!  His contemptible excuse on stealing Cook’s car was “He won’t be needing it.”


Speaking of theft, I’m not even going to get into how Turntrix robbed an army surplus store to get all his weapons he needed. And let’s not talk about the wanton destruction of a police vehicle. Nor the theft of the sea plane.


What appalls me most of all about this movie was why go to all that trouble to rescue that little delinquent Jenny anyway? Any fan of Boy George is a lost cause if you ask me. If my son Tucker admitted to being a fan of Boy George, I’d disown him. I certainly wouldn’t bother risking my life to rescue him from terrorists.


Yes, John Turntrix went to a lot of extreme methods to save his daughter. I just don’t see why he couldn’t have slaughtered all those terrorists without all the lying, stealing and vandalism.  These three things… and the swearing… just ruined the entire movie for me. There was just no need for that excessive depravity.


One thing's for sure, I'LL certainly not BE BACK for any sequels if they ever get around to doing them. 


Stars = 1 


Disclaimer: UBBA Magazine advises you not to take Uncle Tuck's advice... unless you are a moron, in which case the world would be better off without you.


Remember, if you too have a problem (no matter how stupid it is... even if its a made up one) just send in your letter and Uncle Tucker will attempt to solve it.



Well I’ve been told off by the editors for my advice I gave in the last edition of UBBA Magazine. It seems that telling people to pray to God to help them solve their problems is not very practical or realistic advice. They told me that many people write into columns like this because praying to God has failed. Prayer just doesn’t work so in the long run it always comes down to either yourself or other people giving you a helping hand. Just sitting on your butt praying will solve nothing at all. So this edition I am back to giving sagely practical advice instead of what has been described by my colleagues as moronic wishful thinking and pointless religious ritual.




Dear Uncle Tuck

I had a brother who was desperately in need of a kidney transplant. Unfortunately he did not have the funds and I was in no financial position to help either.  He did his best to gather the funds necessary by sending in letters to various Christian organisations hoping for donations. No matter who he contacted, nobody could give him any money and all that was offered was prayers. Unfortunately, that’s all anyone ever did was pray for him, so in the end no money got donated. Geeze, do people really think that prayer is the answer if nobody is actually going to donate anything? So no, my brother did not have his operation and God certainly didn’t heal him. He died last week. It makes me so angry that all people did was pray and no one took any real practical action. I got so angry that I smashed up my office place where I work. I am now in danger of losing my job. What can I do to put things right with my employers?




Obviously, you’re going to have to pay for the damages. I recommend contacting a few Christian organisations and asking them to donate some money to help towards the costs of the damages. Use the story of your brother to pull at their heartstrings.



Dear Uncle Tuck

Two months ago, I wrote into you telling you about my exams coming up at school and how I get so stressed out I forget everything I’ve learnt. You told me to pray and that even though having God helping me in an exam is cheating, it would be ok. I would not get into trouble. Unfortunately, there was one kid at school who knew that I had written that letter and knew of my plans to cheat by asking God to help me pass the exam. This kid reported me to the teacher. You were wrong. The teacher he reported me to is a committed Christian and was furious to hear that I was trying to use supernatural help to pass an examination. I have now received an automatic fail for attempting to cheat by asking God for help. I have now realised I was wrong for attempting to cheat. I feel that all believers should be aware of what they are doing. You must NOT ask God to help you with exams. You must pass based on your own abilities. Yet, many Christians seem to think this sort of cheating is ok. What can I do to show them that any kind of cheating is wrong?




Just remind them they will burn in Hell for all eternity if they continue to cheat.  Scare tactics are the most effective strategy.




Dear Uncle Tuck

I am out! I have escaped from prison! Yes, I, the one who you ruined the life of by suggesting I wear stupid masks to deceive people. The escape plan went without a hitch and I am now free, living in a hotel wearing an inconspicuous leather face mask to hide my identity. I have a chainsaw and in a few days from now I am coming for you, Uncle Tuck and I am going to hack you into tiny pieces for ruining my life. You never know when I am going to strike, but I will and no one will ever have to put up with your bad advice ever again, especially that BS you gave me last edition about praying that Rat Bag die of a heart attack. So much for THAT. He didn’t die and he escaped along with me and the others. The only good thing is that John Bruiser saw off his hand with the chainsaw and refused to let him on the plane in which we flew away in.

BTW, I need a bit more advice, although I really don’t know why I’m asking you, as your advice is so horrible. There was one innocent victim in my escape and that was the prison warden, Harry Piper. My escape involved abusing his kindness and in the process, I accidentally destroyed an ice block stick sculpture of the Eiffel Tower he was building in his office. I really want to make it up to him in some way. What should I do?




You’re wearing a leather-face mask? Are you for real! That’s going to make you look like a psycho and you’ll be nabbed by the cops as soon as you walk out of your hotel room. Best go with something like a hockey mask or one of those Scream masks. Either way, you are a complete ubbhead, because if you come anywhere near me, it will be you that gets hacked to pieces, or worse have a can of ass gas opened up on you. BTW, when it comes to your prison warden, I would say send him a box of ice blocks.  After he’s eaten them, he can use the sticks in that to fix his sculpture. He’ll enjoy the ice blocks for sure and all will be forgiven.



Dear Uncle Tuck

I wrote in to your recently about looking for employment and you advised that I should pray that my potential new employer will choose me over other candidates. I can’t understand why anyone with an ounce of integrity would ask for that kind of favour from God because it involved the violation of another person's freewill. Seriously! That’s as bad as praying to God to help you win at sports. Anyway, it’s beside the point, the fact is God would never violate anyone’s freewill anyway, so it’s not like he’s going to be able to help you get a job, not if it means twisting the arm of the interviewer to give you the job over someone else. You are an idiot, Uncle Tuck and I’m amazed you have YOUR job!

Pissed off




You are an ubbhead. I spoke to Pastor Jake about this and he told me there were numerous times in the bible where God violated people’s freewill. He hardened Pharaoh’s heart, he sent a demon to control King Saul and he even forced the Midianites to turn against one another and slay each other in battle. Pastor Jake tells me that God violates freewill all the time. He has to, to be able to answer most people’s prayers. 





"Oh my God, you sound just like Justin fucking Bieber!" 






"Oh Oh, I think I just farted."





"You're right, I do look pretentious with this tiny espresso."





"You! Yes, you!  You're an ASSHOLE! Just like me!"




"To be honest with you, Jonathon, I have no idea why I'm not funny."






This Edition's Pick: Trouble at TAC


Mr Upton is a fairly new teacher at TAC and has already developed a reputation for being a fascist dictator, unreasonable and mean. There is one student he cannot stomp into line though...



Mr Upton stood in front of his classroom of students and computers, his temper once again rising. One student had not yet arrived. ‘Where the deuce is Rex Cassidy?’

All the students in Mr Upton’s computer class remained silent. There was not a murmur, nor even a rustle of paper. Not even a cough or the sound of someone clearing their throat. Mr Upton was happy with that.

At last, they had learnt.

Nobody dared speak in his class without first raising their hand or being asked a question by him. Well everyone except for that Cassidy delinquent. He was the only one who thought it was ok to defy him; to break the rules that he set. This time around it was being late to class. Right now, he was at least five minutes late.

‘Well? Does anyone know where he is?’ he said loudly, glaring at his students. They all sat there at their computers staring blankly at him. Even Rick Maverick was silent. Mr Upton had trouble with that boy in the past too. Very disrespectful. At least now, he was toeing the line, but he had a black mark next to his name because he was good friends of Rex. Guilty by association. ‘Maverick! What about you. You’re his friend. Do you know where he is?’

‘No idea, Mr Upton.’

‘You better not be lying to me, lad!’

Maverick just peered innocently at him.

‘Go on, say something,’ Mr Upton willed the boy in his mind. ‘Just make one smart comment so I can put you on detention.’ He really did not like the boy at all. He liked it even less that the boy was carrying on an inappropriate relationship with another student at the school; Holly Robinson. He had seen them together. Always kissing and cuddling… hanging around together. He knew what went on behind the teacher’s backs. Fifteen-years-olds were too young to be involved in that sort of relationship. It was a bad example to the juniors… a terrible example. ‘Are you sure you don’t know where Cassidy is?’

Rick Maverick smiled. ‘I’m not his babysitter, Mr Upton, I don’t watch him 24-7’

Now that was pushing it. If it wasn’t for the polite tone of voice, Upton would have put him on detention immediately. Those words came very close to being classed as cheek and Mr Upton didn’t take any cheek, especially not from wayward students like Rick Maverick. ‘Are you giving me cheek?’ He boomed, trying to scare him with his volume and the angry expression on his face. Oh, how he longed for Maverick to really get out of line.

‘Me, Mr Upton?’ Maverick replied, a surprised look on his ruggedly handsome face. He didn’t look like a troublemaker. In fact, he was an unusually cheerful, friendly teen. Tall, but of average build, witty, bright, but certainly no genius. In any other circumstances, he’d probably be a good student, but the lad lacked respect for his betters. ‘I’m not being cheeky. I’m just telling you that I’m his friend, but I don’t keep an eye on everything he does.’

‘Doesn’t anyone know where Cassidy is?’ Upton fidgeted. He scanned the room for another student who might cross the line. Someone else he might be able to take his frustrations out on. ‘Cook! What about you?’ His eyes fell upon another annoying boy, a friend of both Maverick’s and Cassidy’s. Guilty by association again. He was a short teen and was known amongst the staff for his lazy, apathetic attitude. He was not above mocking his academic betters either and was always on detention for playing the fool. He didn’t dare play up in Upton’s classes, but he knew of several other teachers who had problems with him. It seemed that anyone who had anything to do with Rex Cassidy was bad news. ‘Tell me where Rex is!’

‘I don’t know Mr Upton,’ Pete Cook said defensively. ‘Like Mav says, Rex does what Rex wants. We don’t keep an eye on him.’

‘Come now, young Pete, you don’t expect me to believe that do you? I saw Cassidy walking to school with you this morning. You know darn well where he is!’

‘I don’t, Mr Upton. Honestly. He’s probably getting it on with one of the girls in a broom closet or someplace like that. Lucky dog.’ Pete delivered him a wry smile.

Mr Upton grunted and ground his foot into the hard wooden floor. He turned his eyes from one student to the next, refusing to believe that someone didn’t know where Rex was. Speaking of girls. Were there any missing? Perhaps some might know where he was.

Two girls sat at adjacent computers who always hovered around Rex like lovesick puppy dogs. Lisa Stott and Mandy Evans. He did not think much of any girl who doted over that boy. Even Mandy, whose big wholesome brown eyes made her looked so sweet and innocent, was far from it. What sort of girls were they if they were part of his crowd? Guilty by association once again.

‘You two!’ He glared at them. ‘Where’s Cassidy?’

Mandy scowled and spoke with venom in her voice, ‘How the hell should we know?

‘Detention!’ he growled. ‘Lunch time! You don’t talk to me that way.’

That made him feel a little better. At least now, he had been able to release his frustrations a little and it had been one of his least favourite students who suffered his wrath. Still he was not satisfied. He was still smarting from the humiliation he had suffered during interval at the hands of Mr Harris.

Mandy peered at him as though she wanted to slit his throat.

‘Don’t give me that look!’ Upton warned her. ‘If you don’t be careful, I’ll make it a week’s worth of detentions and you know that’s not an idle threat!’

He continued to scan the room and for the first time noticed a face he had never seen before. There was a new boy sitting near the doorway at one of the computers. He was quite tall and well built. He had been sitting there so quietly Upton had not even given him a second glance. ‘You.’ He pointed to the youth. ‘Who are you?’

‘I just started today. I’m new.’

‘I can see that!’ Upton sighed. ‘What’s your name lad?’

‘Vin Deemas.’

There was a snicker from somewhere in the corner of the classroom. Upton spun around and peered for the culprit, desperate to dish out another detention, but all the faces that looked back at him had expressions of innocence on them.

‘Someone thinks his name is funny, do they?’ Upton paced in the direction of the snicker. ‘Somebody here wants to waste my time, by disrupting my class with stupid laughs? Do you think I have nothing better to do than try to hunt around my class trying to find the culprit? Typical! How about I just put the entire class on detention?’ But he knew he couldn’t do that. He had already been in trouble with the principal, Mr Andrews for doing that in the past, which was silly, because putting the entire class on detention was a sure-fire way of getting them to behave.

He hoped that his idle threat would be enough to weed out the offender or at least encourage someone to speak up and identify who it was, but all the students remained silent. It was as if they were all aware that it was a bluff. Someone had told them about his reprimand from Mr Andrews. It wouldn’t surprise him at all if it were that scoundrel Mr Harris.

Mr Upton pretended that he was no longer bothered by the laugh and ambled back to Vin. ‘So, you’re new, are you? Why wasn’t I told about you?’

‘I don’t know.’

‘A new student comes into my class and I am not even told to expect him?’ This was typical of the competency of the administration staff. It annoyed him that such a breakdown in communications was prevalent in the school. He’d had many disagreements with the office staff in the short time he had been there. He had yelled at Miss Brannigan so many times now, one would think that she would make an effort and keep him informed. He would be having another word with her later.

‘My Woodwork teacher knew,’ Vin said.

‘Well nobody told me. Incompetence! Sheer incompetence, that’s what it is! I’ve got a good mind to send you off to administration and let them take care of you for this period. I need some time to prepare for new students. It’s my job to get you up to speed with the rest of the class and that requires extra work on my part. I can’t be expected just to have a new student turn up out of the blue and be able to teach him effectively.’

He huffed and paced up and down the class a couple of times. ‘This is just ridiculous! I am sick and tired of having to come in to teach a class and having to get order and discipline before I can even start teaching. Students turning up unannounced, people laughing and being rude when they should be quiet and listening. Students late for classes! I don’t know...

A cheerful voice suddenly interrupted his ranting. ‘Morning, morning, morning. Looks like everyone’s arrived early today!’

Mr Upton swung towards the doorway with an evil glare on his face.

Rex Cassidy had finally arrived...


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Disclaimer: All articles in this magazine are the views of the authors and none of it is to be taken seriously. Interviews are purely fictional and letters are not written by the assigned people.



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