Titanic

Warning: Contains spoilers about spoilers.

This movie was a titanic disaster in more ways than one. In fact, the script for this one should have been sunk to the bottom of the ocean along with the ship itself.

This movie was completely ruined right near the beginning when they gave away the ending to the story!

The ship sinks!

The ship stinks more like it! The movie is completely ruined because we already know how it’s going to end. Ie, some old biddy is going to be one of the only survivors!  It’s like telling us that the butler did it right from the beginning of a whodunnit. It’s like telling us that the beginning of “The Sixth Sense” that Bruce Willis is actually dead.  How could they ruin the movie for us like that?

I for one wanted to have a nice surprise when all those rich snobs drowned. I wanted to be shocked when the ship hit that iceberg and split in two, but we already knew that was going to happen because they gave it away at the beginning of the jolly movie! Argggghhhhhh!! They should have at least given us a spoiler alert in the first fifteen minutes.

Not only did they give away the entire plot to the movie in the first fifteen minutes, we had to endure a sickly love story about Leonardo DeCrapio and Kate Winslut lusting after each other. Winslut played Rose DeWitt Bukkake, a snobby rich tart, while DeCrapio played Jerk Dawson, a disgusting, con artist and boy did he con us with his god-awful performance in this movie! The only breath of fresh air was the character played by Billy Zane; Cal Hackley, who played the poor buffoon who believed that Rose would be loyal to him.  So much for that. She was a cheating slag who didn’t deserve to survive the sinking!

After enduring about an hour of dross, we finally get to the good stuff. Where the ship hits the iceberg and the shit hits the fan! Finally, we start to see all these rich prats panicking, trying to get off the ship. Then we get DeCrapio playing the hero and letting all the lowlifes in 3rd class free. I don’t know why he didn’t just let all the scum remain there in the bottom of the ship to drown. He would have done us all a favour and shortened the movie by about half an hour!

The movie becomes a comedy as the ship splits in half and we see people hilariously falling to their deaths as they lose their grips on the objects they are clinging too. Sadly, though, DeCrapio and Winslut make it to the top where they await the rest of the ship to sink beneath them. Meanwhile hilarity ensues as others leap from the sinking ship and still more wallow in the freezing cold waters below. Those in the lifeboats can only watch on as everyone dies around them. This is the most entertaining part of the movie I must say, which isn’t saying much considering there was nothing to laugh at before this.

The best part of the movie, without a doubt is watching DeCrapio freeze to death in the icy waters as Winslut floats on a piece of wood which could easily have held them both with a little more effort.  Boy was I rolling on the floor laughing during that scene! And to think that he could have survived if they’d just tried a little harder with that makeshift raft. In fact I’m at a loss to figure out why people didn’t start building their own rafts as soon as they realised there weren’t enough lifeboats for them all. Morons! I have no sympathy for any of them!

So there we have it. Just about everybody drowns. Thanks James Camoron for spilling the beans on that one at the beginning of the jolly movie. Nice one! Which is a lot more than I can say for this pile of titanic crap.

Avoid this movie if you do not want to sink into the waters of despair yourself.  

Rating = 1 star 

Reviewer = Aunty Lil