The Love Boat

I used to enjoy watching the Love Boat when it was on TV in the 80s and looking forward to seeing who’d be the guest celebrities each week. Anyone who was anyone in television was popping up on the Love Boat. Sure… most of them are dead now, but it was cool to see them back in the day when for most of them, their careers were coming to an end and this show was a chance to be in the limelight again, even if briefly.  Of course you had to wade through a lot of American actors who were only known by people who watched crappy day time soap operas, but it was worth it to see the real stars shine again and also to see the odd up-and-coming star before he/she was really famous. 

Nowadays though I’m left scratching my head when I watch some of these episodes. I’ve been on a few cruises and I’m sure that if the crew behaved like the ones on this ship, they’d soon find themselves left stranded on an island somewhere, banned from ever serving on a cruise ship ever again.

Just take a look at the ship’s doctor, Adam Brickker for instance. I've met the actor, Bernie Kopell personally and he seemed like a lovely fellow, however I can't say the same for his character. He is often making sleazy come ons to female passengers, eg “I don’t normally make house calls, but for you I’ll make a cabin call”. Captain Stubing is just as bad, continually harassing female passengers he fancies, not willing to take no for an answer when it comes to joining him for dinner. Often the male crew members are lusting after female passengers, and targeting them to hit on, sometimes even competing against one another. This crew must be the most unprofessional bunch I’ve ever seen on a cruise ship. Or were ship’s crews like that back in the 80s? I don’t know.

Furthermore, how much work does this crew do? They are forever dancing, romancing passengers and trying to lure them into their cabins, but the only two I ever see doing any work, are Isaac the bartender or Doc…although when Doc is working, he’s usually getting it on with the patient in private.

Another unusual thing about the Love Boat is that when there is a show in one of the lounges, they only actually last for one number. You’ll have someone like Charo being introduced, she’ll do her singing and dancing number and then that will be it. The show’s over. Say what? I can understand some of them only doing one number though, because some of them you don’t want to hear do a second one, especially when it comes to the likes of Donny Osmond or Mrs Brady from the Brady Bunch.

Another bizarre thing I’ve noticed about the Love Boat is that nobody actually seems to eat the food in the buffets. Well sure, you often see scenes where someone is filling up their plate, but have you noticed that none of the food has actually been touched up until that point? Every chicken or turkey roast is uncut, no fruit has been picked, no jug drunken from. Everything is tidy and beautiful, untouched by anyone. 

You will never see any half empty bowls of salads or small portions remaining from any dish or bits of food splattered down the sides or on the table itself, unlike in real buffets, yet there are always people in the area eating food. Where are they getting their food from? Something very bizarre is going on here.  Oh well at least ships buffets these days are covered and there's less chance of contaminants landing in the food. 

There is hope for the Love Boat though and that’s that you can guarantee that if you’re a passenger onboard, that you are going to fall in love with someone special and there will be a happy ending for you… unless of course you return for another trip… that will mean something went drastically wrong!