Edition 11 - Feb 2017

Welcome to yet another edition of UBBA Magazine and once again we get some amazing headlines. I can’t wait to see Quentin Tarentino’s version of The Sound of Music. I can just imagine the main character going on a killing spree while singing “These are a few of my favourite things”. I feel sorry for Tim Roth though, although he must be getting used to playing characters who get a bullet to the stomach by now.

Can you believe it? This is Edition 11, which is amazing because we’re a bunch of slackers here at UBBA and I wouldn’t at all be surprised if the editor one day decided he’d had enough of publishing the magazine and decided to pack everything up and call it quits. Fortunately though, I’m happy to say he’s still just as keen as he ever was to keep the laughs coming. Well at least he gets everyone else to provide the laughs for you. All he does is sit around and pick fault.

Be prepared for some changes in upcoming issues though. We want to keep things fresh.  

Speaking of changes and speaking of slackers, we have one slacker amongst us this month though and that’s our resident fishing expert, Rog Fisher. He has decided that this edition will be his last giving fishing advice. I know that all you fishing enthusiasts are going to be devastated, but it is what it is. Rog has other projects he is wanting to move onto. We at UBBA Magazine wish him luck.

This month, my beautiful wife, Vanessa continues her interview with the Almighty. She will be talking to him about such topics as his lust for blood and his disdain for fluffy kittens. 

Watch out for US correspondent, Badkitty this month, because she's in a real foul mood.  I'm just glad that we here at UBBA Magazine are a tidy lot and don't make a lot of mess around the office, otherwise she'd be on our case. But then again we're hardly ever here and when we are, we don't do much work, so thus there's not much to clean up... except for the beer and bourbon bottles. 

Well it's Valentines day tomorrow and right now, I'd just like to take a moment to bring a little romance into UBBA, so... PfFFFFFFFTTTTT! Get real! Romance in UBBA Magazine? Not likely. If you want romance, go read a schlocky soft-porn romance novel or get out a chick flick to watch on DVD. That's all I have to say on that matter.

And that's all I have to say for my introduction this edition. Enjoy!

Rex Cassidy

I really love UBBA Magazine, but I’m very skeptical about Rog Fisher and his Fishing column. He likes to make out he’s an avid fisherman, but it seems that he never actually ever does any fishing. What sort of fisherman spends all his time hanging out in bars and fooling around with women?

Jeremy Wade - UK 

{Reply from Rog Fisher: The straight ones. All the others hang out with the boys playing with each other’s rods.}

It’s not very ubbery at all. In fact it’s downright horrible! I just can’t believe they arrested Santa Claus and threw him in jail. It’s no wonder I didn’t get any presents in my Christmas stocking this year. Well… I never got any last year either… or the year before that… or the year before that. In fact last time I got something was about 30 years ago when I was 11 years old and THAT was a lump of coal. But still, think of all the children who missed out on Christmas stocking gifts this year. How can the police do something like this? It’s not like an old man climbing down someone’s chimney in the middle of the night is anything to make a fuss about, is it?

Tucker Pyles – UBBA Magazine Columnist.  

UBBA Magazine lies! I cannot believe they would lie to us! On the December’s issue, there was a headline about Buck Rogers, a US astronaut preparing for a deep space mission! This is not happening whatsoever! There is no such deep space mission planned. What absolute nonsense! The fact that UBBA Magazine would publish such misinformation is abominable and just not on! Everybody knows that this space mission happened nearly 30 YEARS AGO! Ranger 3, piloted by Buck Rogers, was launched in May of 1987 and never returned to earth. Please UBBA Magazine! Stop printing lies. Stick to the facts and the facts only! Do not make up sensational headlines simply to attract readers.

Jeff Albertson – Springfield USA.

I really did enjoy your Christmas edition of UBBA Magazine, however I couldn’t help but notice a bit of an anti-Christmas theme going on. A lot of ridicule and criticism of it. Are UBBA Magazine really that cynical when it comes to the Silly Season?
Bilbo Boggs – New Zealand

{The fact that it’s called the Silly Season should be enough to answer your questions shouldn’t it?}

I’m a little offended that UBBA Magazine would try to make out that Santa Claus far better represents the Christmas spirit than Jesus! That is blatantly absurd, after all we call it CHRISTmas, not CLAUSmas! Why must people constantly try to take Jesus out of Christmas? If it wasn’t for Jesus there would be NO Christmas! Shame on you, UBBA Magazine!
Ike Harris - Australia

{OK, next year we will make our December issue the Clausmas Issue. How about that?}

UBBA Magazine, I'm ashamed of you. Why would you print that Christmas letter from Santa in your Xmas edition? I'm appalled. I mean I never thought that Santa was the nice guy everyone claimed him to be, but you didn't have to expose him for the foul mouthed old bastard he is. That letter and the interview Colin Hewgill conducted with him, just showed what a horrible foul man Santa is and that he hates children. Clearly he just wants the fame. He wants to be worshiped. He wants to have little boys and girls sitting on his lap. It would have been far kinder to all Santa's fans to just to let us all believe that he was a wonderful selfless man and let us remain in our delusion. 

Tim Allen - USA

Feel free to write in letters about your opinions about UBBA Magazine. We would love to hear from you. 

If you have any regular articles you would like to add to UBBA Magazine please contact us. We are always on the look out for contributors and will give you credit where credit is due.

Simply contact the administrator of Recker’s World

Interviewer = Vanessa Dante

Interviewee = God 

Session 2

Vanessa: Hi everyone, I’m back with the second session of my interview with the almighty. God, you told us in the previous session that you weren’t the only other god around and that there were others, but most of them just weren’t interested in things going on in our little corner of the universe…

God: That’s right. After all I created this planet. Gods, being highly intelligent, get bored easy and no matter how fun the game is, sooner or later they’re gonna lose interest. So that’s what happened with Earth. I had a lot of my friends playing my new game; Zeus, Odin, Hera, Thor, Baal, Quezecotyl… and a heap of others too, but after a few thousand years they got bored and wanted to do new things so they abandoned the game. Now it’s just me, Satan, Allah, Hare, Vishnu and a few others. Allah is probably one of my most formidable opponents. He comes up with all sorts of perverse little tricks. We have a good laugh about that, but I still have to remind him who’s game this is and that he needs to follow the rules.

Vanessa: So we’re just a game to you?

God: Of course! Gods need to be entertained just like everyone else. I guess you could say I created an elaborate game of chess using an entire planet. A game that could be played by multiple players. So sometimes bad things happen to good people, because that’s just part of the game.

Vanessa: Oh I see. So you gods can pretty much do anything you like to us.

God: Pretty much so, although there are certain rules that we must abide by. Well rules that I made up of course. After all, it’s my game.

Vanessa: So how does Jesus fit into this? Is he your son?

God: HA HA HA HA! He’d love to think he was, but he’s way to paranoid and big headed.  All this nonsense about “if you are not for me, you are against me.”  No son of mine would be that irrational.

Vanessa: So the Christians are wrong then. He’s not the only way to you?

God: Well for all intents and purposes he is. I set the guy up to be a saviour to mankind, the only way to me… me, not the other gods. Seemed like a good kid, so I thought I’d use him... Well he was good until he started disrespecting his parents like calling his mother “Woman” instead of “Mum”. Pretty much going off and doing his own thing, not telling them where he was going. Sure he may have been at the temple, but you know what some of those priests are like. Not a good place for young boys to be hanging about. Oh and don’t get me started about how later on he went on a rampage in the temple smashing everything up and generally acting like a lunatic. All because they were using the place to trade. I mean come on… like I said, my ego isn’t that big. Why would I care about people doing a little trading in my buildings? It’s not like I’m destroying churches for having Bingo games or Network Marketing business meetings in them, am I? Jesus went way overboard with that one. Made me look bad. Besides, temples and churches aren’t the be all and end all. People can talk to me no matter where they are. Doesn’t have to be in a bloody temple! All this crap about holy ground? What a load of bunkem! These religious folk make mountains out of molehills sometimes.

Vanessa: I’m finding myself agreeing with you completely. But why all this other rubbish about Jesus having to be killed? The fact that blood is required for you to be able to cleanse and forgive and all that guff? It kinda makes you look bloodthirsty.

God: I AM bloodthirsty! Most of us gods are. We enjoy the smell of burnt offerings. Even the bible tells you that. Like I said, we like to make humans suffer a bit. It’s a lot of fun. I could of course forgive and cleanse without anyone having to be brutally slaughtered, after all I am a god, but where’s the fun in that? What type of game would that be? A very dull and boring one I tell you! Can you imagine a computer game like Grand Theft Auto for instance? Imagine if all the nasty stuff was removed… no killing, so stealing cars, no criminal activities at all. It wouldn’t be a fun game would it?

Vanessa: Grand Theft Auto never appealed to me because of that.

God: Oh and I supposed you’d rather have a video game like “Grand Pet Grooming”? Where you have a lovely little kitty and you cuddle it, pat it, feed it kitty treats and speak to it in a silly voice all day long? Is that your idea of a fun game?

Vanessa: No, I’d rather be getting it on with my husband thanks. That’s more fun to me than video games.

God: Mmmm…. That Rex. I might have made him too damn perfect.

Vanessa: (giggling) I think you did.

God: The fact is, I’m a god and gods aren’t into fluffy little kittys! We like a bit of blood and violence. I would have thought that was obvious through historical accounts and also reading the old testament of the bible!

Vanessa: I read it once. It appalled me so much it turned me into an atheist.

God: Well it would if you’re a rational person. Unfortunately most people that take the bible seriously aren’t exactly blessed with critical thinking skills.

Vanessa: So why consider it your word?

God: I don’t consider it my word. Some silly humans decided to make it my word. They got a whole lot of writings from other silly humans, threw out some, while keeping the others and packaged it all up as “the Bible”. I had nothing to do with that piece of tomfoolery!

Vanessa: So based on what you’re saying… being this barbaric primitive god who demands human sacrifices, then you’re not really a god of love then?

God: I don’t know why people keep insisting I am!  Well actually I do. They’re just buttering me up. Trying to earn favour with me by trying to make out I’m some lovely and wonderful deity worthy of praise. I’m not! And I don’t seek praise. I mean no God, unless they have a massive ego problem seeks praise. Why would they? It’s just that you have these stupid humans who get all offended if anyone says anything bad about their god so they make a big fuss about it. So next thing everyone’s insisting that “Hey, God’s a really nice lovely guy and he loves us!” They’re all too afraid of offending each other.

Vanessa: I guess they would consider it blasphemy to call you a blood thirsty god who doesn’t care about us?

God: Yeah, blasphemy! I mean who came up with that absurd idea? To think that a God would be so offended by people mocking him. I mean come on! Sure, there are gods like that out there. Allah’s a classic example. Say one bad thing about him and he kicks up a huge stink. His ego can’t even handle people drawing pictures of his main prophet. That’s how pathetically insecure he is. But I’m not an insecure god. I don’t get all upset over silly little things. Do you really think I’d go mental over someone making fun of me?

Vanessa: Well the bible stories show us that you are very insecure and libel to blow your top at the slightest thing. You even told me yourself that you tend to unleash your wrath a lot.

God: Yeah, ok, some days I’m in a bad mood. But then who isn’t? But none of that has anything to do with being insecure or having a delicate ego. It’s humans that think I have a delicate ego, but when I blow my top it’s usually for good reasons.

Vanessa: OH, of course, good reasons, like when you ordered a guy to be stoned to death once for picking up sticks on the Sabbath.

God: He had to be stoned to death! I made certain game rules when I created this planet. One was that on my special day nobody does any work!

Vanessa: But why order humans to do the killing for you? Isn’t that getting others to do the dirty work for you?

God: Why should I get my hands dirty when I have millions of creations to do the work for me?

Vanessa: So it was the Sabbath and this guy picked up sticks. So instead of doing your own dirty work you had some humans do that work for you. Doesn’t it strike you as ironic that you forced humans to do work on the Sabbath all because one human had done some work. Two wrongs don’t make a right.

God: They do when it comes to me. I’m all powerful remember?

Vanessa: So why have you stopped having people killed now? I mean people work all the time on the Sabbath. Christians included.

God: I’m trying to mallow out a little. Too much bad press. I mean that’s one of the reasons I brought Jesus into the picture. That was an attempt to give myself a makeover. I was getting sick of being known as a genocidal deity who unleased his wrath on everything. I was hoping, maybe I’d get a few of those goddesses back on my side. So I changed the rules of the game, doing away with some of those more unreasonable rules I’d established. Still, those goddesses haven’t returned to play though. Sigh. That Venus… wow, she was really something. You remind me a lot of her.

Vanessa: Let’s not go there. What I would like to know is why you would think your new makeover is any better? After all you’re still going to roast alive millions in Hell right? Some people say you’re going to make them suffer eternally. That makes you look even worse than your old persona.

God: You can blame that on Jesus! He got a bit too much caught up with rubbish the other gods fed him, especially the pagan gods. They were the ones who gave him all these ideas about hell. I didn’t!  You either stay dead or you go to Heaven, that’s the way it is. I mean what kind of psychotic god would have you die, possibly slowly and painfully, then rip you out of your grave only to humiliate you publicly and then put you through a horrific death again? Not any sane one. Only a freaking sadist! I’m no sadist, even though I like a bit of blood and gore from time to time.

Vanessa: So where is Jesus now? Is he in Heaven with you or still lying dead in some tomb somewhere?

God: Jesus didn’t please me, so I let him die. That’s why he cried out “My god, my god, why have you forsaken me?" He expected me to rescue him. I didn’t. Why else would he have cried out that?

Vanessa: I thought you couldn’t be near sin. So when the sin of the world came upon him, you had to leave.

God: What? That would make sin kind of like my kryptonite! I have no weaknesses! I’m a bloody god! Besides, I’m omni-present so how can I NOT be where there is sin? Oh I was there alright, it’s just that I decided Jesus wasn’t worthy of any more of my effort, so I ignored him. He died on that cross that day and then his disciples made up some story about him being resurrected.

Vanessa: So no resurrection then?

God: Of course not! Dead bodies don’t come back to life do they? No, not at all. Ok, I feel like another beer. Can we take another break?

Vanessa: So soon?

God: Yeah. I may be a god, but I’m not working 24/7.

Vanessa: But what if someone’s praying and you don’t hear them?

God: Tough! I’ve got better things to do than listen to the trivial requests of my worshipers. Now where’s that beer?

Interview will conclude in next edition’s UBBA Magazine…

Click on above cartoon to enlarge.

       Well Ubba Bubbas, the bitch is back.

No, not Kellyanne Conway. That Cryptkeeper ripoff hasn’t gone anwhere.

Me, Numbnuts and I’m in a pissy mood.

Which of you assholes left the house and didn’t turn off the lights? Which one of you left the fridge door cracked open? And for the last time when do you think the God damn maid is getting here to pick your shit up off the floor to put stuff away?

It’s like you run in and wreck the place on purpose. You’re the reason why none of us can have niece stuff around here.

All the time it took to get this place in order, you shit gibbons come in here and rub your damned rusty colored balls all over the damn woodwork.

There’s a freaking shit sandwich of laundry on one side and broken toys on the other. It’s like blatant disregard for unmitigated nudity and a full on aftermath shot of freaking temper tantrums. , you Godzilla fuckers!

WHY DID I JUST STEP IN ORANGE MARMALADE? How the bluberry fuckmuffins does that even happen?

What is this shitty, sticky, cheesy dust all over everything? Why do I feel like there is an oil slick on the carpet?

WHAT THE HELL? I leave you alone for a MONTH  and you wreck the place…

AND that’s what it’s like to live in Trump’s America.

Sorry. Sorry, that wasn’t you. That was us. My bad, sorry.

Badkitty

A man walks into a bar. Actually he’s kind of funning.

He is WICKED excited about something. I mean, like, his face is red and he’s sweating like a coked up racehorse.

And he’s a got bit sweat blobs on his clothes. His pants are sticking to him and his hair is dripping. Gross!!! AHAHAHAHAHAHA. Anyway, so he runs and he goes into the bar.

Oh, did I mention he’s Chinese? It shouldn’t make any difference, but just in case it does, he is. He’s totally Chinese.

So he’s in the bar and it’s hot out and he’s panting. He wants a water right away. Four bucks for a glass of water is bullshit, but he’s thirsty, what are you gonna do?

He slugs it down and goes to the water fountain. It’s frowned upon, but he’s not against the rules so much so that bartender gives him a dirty look, right? Cuz he knows he ain’t getting a tip.

But whatever, it ain’t worth it over water.

So the Chinese guy sits down and gets hit butt sweat on the seat and he smells bad. But everyone there smells so it doesn’t mean nothing, right?

So he cathes his breath.

Then the bartender says “What do you need, bud?”

And the Chinese guy gets this LOOK on his face and he slaps the bartender…

The bartender jumps all over the bar but the Chinese guy’s gone and he is yelling “TAG! YOU’RE IT!”

I swear, it happened just like that. Totally.

 Badkitty

By Vanessa Dante

Rampant sexism

You could say I was a feminist in many ways, but I’m not that staunch. I love to do things like cooking for my darling, but he doesn’t expect it and we tend to dine out a lot anyway.

I generally retaliate against sexist comments with witty put downs rather than getting all worked up and angry. Let’s face it the women that get all pissy about sexist remarks are usually even more sexist then the men they get antsy about. It’s true! They’ll be the first to get all upset if it’s sexism directed at women, but then next thing they’ll be making some rampant sexist comment against men! Just listen to them. You’ll see it’s true. 'Oh men! That's just typical of them.' 'Men! They just don't get it,' 'Men can't multi-task,' 'Take a woman look' etc etc.

One of my female acquaintances is one of those feminists. A couple of months back, she berated a guy in front of a large group, for suggesting that his girlfriend get him a drink from the bar. She said. 'Who do you think she is? Your waitress or something? Why can’t you get off your lazy sexist ass and get your own drink?'  

Just the other day she complained that her husband wasn’t gentlemanly enough. She said he never did things like open doors for her. I said to my friend, 'Don’t you think it’s a double standard to suggest that a man should open doors for you when you don’t think a woman should get her man a drink from the bar?', with which she replied, 'Of course it isn’t! Opening doors for women is just a common courtesy.' I said, ‘It’s an old sexist stereotype, just like the one where women are expected to be in the kitchen.'

She didn’t like that at all. She couldn’t see how “Men should open doors for women” is exactly the same as “Women belong in the kitchen”.  They both reek of sexism!

Double standards! That’s what I am seeing portrayed here. If it’s not ok to expect your woman to have your dinner on the table when you come home from work, then it’s not ok for you to expect your man to open doors for you. Or to offer you seats… or to let you be served first at the counter.

If we want equality, it needs to be right across the board. 

Stop being so hypocritical ladies!

We continue with our series on Threr, the planet that is a mirror image of Earth and appears to be running backwards.

In this edition of UBBA Magazine we learn more about the final years of your average Threrian.  

Eduts (Retirement)

Most Threrrians are naturally gifted academically and will obtain huge amounts of knowledge early in life. It seems they soon realise that most of what they know is just cluttering their mind and is no longer needed, so they spend most of their final years in Eduts facilities to help them clear some of it, so they can enjoy their final few years in ignorant bliss, free of all troubles.

Some need more time to unlearn than others, so depending on what they need to unlearn depends on where they attend. Eduts involves everyday attending what appear to be classes where they sit and undergo a type of brainwashing technique where a person named an Ercheet or an Urtute will guide them through techniques to help them clear their memories of useless facts and unwanted historical information.

 Eduts actually seems to revitalise Threrrians. By this stage of their lives, Threrrians will have many personal hang-ups and insecurities. Eduts actually helps them overcome some of these. Many will regain new confidence, esteem, and feelings of acceptance that were lost earlier in their lives. Thus, we can see the clearing of the mind can have more advantages that just the removal of unneeded information.

Attending Eduts facilities to forget what one has learnt may seem to be a rather ridiculous concept to us on Earth, but in a way, it is probably appropriate for those on Threr. An elderly Threrrian is approaching the stage in life where he will want to put aside all his responsibilities to live the last years of his life in leisure, having his family look after him and supply for him. There will be no need to work, no need to perform any task that requires knowledge, so therefore it is not necessary to retain knowledge.

Biologist – Dr Quentin Phillips comments:

The human mind has the ability to retain incredible amounts of information and you would think it would be the same for Threrrians. However, as we know very little about the physiological make up, we can’t know that for sure. It may be possible that their brain capacities are not as developed as ours are, so therefore cannot handle the volumes of information they will be presented with during their lifetimes.

Sociologist – John Webber comments:

Whether this is a necessary process for Threrrians is a mystery to us at this point, but regardless the loss of knowledge can surely only have a detrimental affect on Threrrian society. I can’t help but wonder what important knowledge or discoveries are being wiped from the mind of an aging Threrrian that might have significant impact on their culture. Imagine on Earth, if men like Benjamin Franklin or Thomas Edison went through similar techniques. Think of all the great discoveries and inventions they may never have contributed to the planet. How much progression in technology and knowledge of the universe have the Threrrians relinquished, simply to make life for the elderly that little more carefree. 

To Hell with you!

There are way too many wishy washy Christians out there trying to turn Hell into something not quite so sadistic. Some try to make out it’s simply the grave, like the Jews did. Other’s try to say Heaven and Hell is here on Earth. Others say it’s simply just separation from God as if that would be some terribly awful thing.

What really gets me, my brothers and sisters, is when my fellow brethren try to say that Hell is a choice! That we send OURSELVES to Hell!

My brothers and sisters, are you short on common sense? Do you really think that anyone in their right mind would want to go to such a horrific place to take on so much suffering? Of course not! Don’t be so bloody stupid! No one is that daft!

No one can choose to go to a place they don't believe exists. Have you chosen not to go to Valhalla, brothers and sisters? And if Hell is simply separation from God, no one can choose to live their life without something they don't believe in. Do you choose to live in a house that has a garden that is not inhabited by fairies? Do you choose not to be visited by Santa Claus at Christmas?

Perhaps a person should ask themselves… "Do you choose to go to Heaven?" I'm sure any Christian would argue that just choosing to go to Heaven is not going to get you there. Going to Heaven is a result of your actions, brothers and sisters, not your desires. In the same way if Hell is real then choosing to go to Hell is not going to get you there. It's your actions that will.

Luke 19:27 - But those enemies of mine who did not want me to be king over them—bring them here and kill them in front of me."

I tell you, brothers and sisters, if I were a filthy sinner and not a righteous man in the eyes of Jesus like I am now… if I were not a spokesperson from God… not filled with the holy spirit, then I would certainly not go to Hell willingly. I'D go kicking and screaming. They'd have to drag me in there.

Brothers and sisters, listen to what Jesus told us. Hell is not a choice for us, because he is going to have his angels take all who sin and cast them in there!

Matthew 13:40-42: "Just as the weeds are separated out and burned, so it will be at the end of the world. I, the Son of Man, will send my angels, and they will remove from my Kingdom everything that causes sin and all who do evil, and they will throw them into the furnace and burn them. There will be weeping and gnashing of teeth."

Jesus’s own words my brothers and sisters! HE is going to have his angels send us to eternal suffering! There is no choice in the matter. HALLELUJAH! Those evil ones amongst us will have absolutely no say in the matter! They will burn forever! PRAISE THE LORRRRRD!

Letters

Dear Pastor Jake

Hi, it’s me Tucker Pyles again. It seems I can never get my congregation into line. Even with threats of suffering and eternal damnation, I am still finding that some people are realizing my religion is made up nonsense. I don’t get it really, because I really am trying to base a lot of my teachings on the bible. Copying ideas from it. I am having particular problems with one of my congregation, who I will call Broccoli. He has actually walked out and bad mouths me to everyone, telling everyone I’m a liar. I’m afraid people are taking him seriously. What do I do?

Tucker Pyles (UBBA Magazine Columnist)

Dear Tucker

This is very serious indeed. The biggest danger to any religion is apostates as they are the ones who have learnt firsthand what nonsense their religions are… oh except for those who have left the true Christian denomination - the one I belong to. Those people are just rebellious, sinful people who hate god. If YOU however are having trouble with apostates, it is very dangerous for your religion because people are more likely to take them seriously. You must quickly stomp out this threat and brand this person as evil… label him a a sinner and someone who was never a true member of your religion to begin with. You must discredit them immediately. So tell all your congregation that he was simply a pretender and was never not really truly of your religion. Make it quite clear that those who are not for you are against you  and that this Broccoli person is nothing more than an evil person who hates God and wants to sin. This person just wants to sully your good name and destroy the good work you are doing. DEMONISE this man immediately!

Dear Pastor Jake

Why do you expose the horrors and absurdities of the bible? Just last month you exposed the fact that the bible endorses slavery and that slaves are not the same as indentured servants. In another you showed us that God WILL test us beyond what we can endure and in another just how wrathful and bloodthirsty God is.  In other editions you exposed more things that make Christianity look absurd and even malevolent. Why do you do this? Don’t you realize it is better just to sweep these things under the carpet and don’t talk about them. Pretend they are not there. Make excuses for them, if you have to, but try to overlook them. We do not want people to realize just how perverse and evil Christianity is!

Pastor C Deetful

Dear Pastor Deceitful

Shame on you. Shame on you indeed! What kind of a man of God are you who doesn’t preach the truth? By hiding all the horrors of the bible, you are not helping the Christian cause. All you are doing is deterring people and pushing them away. People out there are well aware of the horrors and absurdities of the bible so trying to cover those up and make excuses for them only makes Christians look dishonest. Honesty is the key! Be real about what the bible says. Quit trying to sugar coat it. It is what it is. God is what HE is. The sooner you accept this, the sooner you can approach it with honesty. Nonbelievers will appreciate that honesty and be more willing to listen to you.

Dear Pastor Jake

I really take on board what you said in December’s edition about taking the pagan out of Christmas and sticking to pure Christianity only. It’s just that how can you have fun if you do that?

Mrs Mason

Dear Mrs Mason 

Since when was anything to do with Jesus supposed to be fun? This life is not supposed to be fun. Fun will happen in Heaven, but until then all you should be doing is praying, studying the word of God and doing your wifely duties by, obeying your husband, having lots of children, keeping your house clean and keeping food on the table. 

Disclaimer: UBBA Magazine in no way endorse the methods recommended by Aunty Lil

Hi useless parents! I see you are back again to get more much needed advice from your Aunty Lil. As it happens, I’m thinking of disowning you as my nephews and nieces, I really am. If you need to be reading my column month after month, then you really are one pack of useless parents. So you don’t really deserve to be calling me Aunty Lil.

Nevertheless, Aunty Lil it is and in this edition, I’m just going to rattle or a few more issues involving teenagers and quick methods on how to deal with your delinquent…

My teen tells me he/she hates me!

My son Tucker never would have dared told me he hated me, otherwise he would have got himself my handbag thumped over his head a dozen times! Guilt trips are the things to do when it comes to your teen. Wail and moan about how much you’ve done for them and how you’ve given up your life for them. Add in plenty of tears if you like. Manipulate them with your fake pain. Then never let them forget how bad they made you feel. It works!

My teenaged brat stays out too late!

Then tie them to their bed of course! Or lock them in their room so they can’t get out. Teenagers don’t need to be going out. They can stay home and do their homework… or housework. I’m sure you can find them something to do. Fun can be left until they’ve left home!

My teen wants to borrow the car!

No way and I mean no way should you ever let your juvenile delinquent borrow the car! I let Tucker borrow mine once and with his weight on the driver’s side it completely ruined my seat. Meant that my butt was never able to comfortably sit in it ever again! Teenagers can stick to riding their pushbikes. Even if they’re going on a date they can double their date, can’t they?

How do I stop my teenaged delinquent from smoking?

Choke the life out of them, I say! Well almost out of them. Squeeze your fingers around their necks and give them a good throttling! Then explain to them that’s exactly what cigarette smoke is doing to their breathing passages. Then confiscate their fags and smoke them yourself. It will make you feel a lot better.

My teenager keeps skipping school to hang out with his hooligan friends

Why has your teen even got friends? If you did your job properly, you’d have scared them all away by now, after all who wants other people’s brats hanging around your house? Your own ones are bad enough. But ok, you can’t stop them making friends at school though, can you? In that case, try going to school with your teen once and a while. That’s what I did with Tucker when he started cutting class. Nothing more humiliating for a teenager than having their mother hanging out with them all day at school. They soon learn that they better attend if they don’t want that!

………………….

Ok, enough about damn teenagers. If you can’t handle then, them kick them out of the house. Disown them if necessary. Something new next edition.

Boy are you guys in for a real treat this month! I am going to show you how to make one of my most favourite desserts of all times. The Baked Alaska! You know when people make desserts, they make them way too small and if you were going to do a Baked Alaska you’d expect it to be massive… enough to feed an army because Alaska is an entire state of Australia right? So it’s pretty big so therefore any dessert named after it should also be big.

So I’m gonna show you how to make a massive Baked Alaska. One that could feed an army… or one guy equivalent to the size of an army. ME! Because I’m your ultimate one man army and as a one man army I need a decent STATE sized dessert.

So here it is

BAKED ALASKA

Ingredients

5 massive tubs of Broccoli flavoured Ice Cream.

1 kg of genuine Alaskan snow

1 kg of genuine Alaskan mud

5 kgs of Flour

2 kgs of flowers

2 dozen Chicken eggs

6 white chocolate eggs

5 Alligator eggs

7 large beetles.

5 cups of salt

30 cups of sugar

15 sponge cakes

Well obviously the first thing you do is take a huge oven tray and shove the sponge cakes at the base of it. Then you’ve got to throw in the ice cream and the snow. People say you don’t need to include snow in this, but what the hell? This is an ubbing Baked Alaska! How can you call it Alaska if it doesn’t have snow? So in goes the snow. GENUINE Alaskan snow, or once again how can it be a Baked Alaska? You can then take the flowers and mix it all into the ice cream and snow, thus getting a colourful mixture. Then add the actual flour so this will thicken up the inside so that it will harden and be able to endure the baking side of it. After all you don’t want the ice cream and snow to melt when it’s in the oven.

Then comes the crispy coating. We want a nice eggy mixture that gives it a nice white coating. So just throw in all the eggs into a bowl and whisk them up. Don’t bother de-shelling them as the shells will add to the crispiness of the coating. Sprinkle the sugar and the salt over that too. Boy is this coating going to be great! Now just plaster it over the top of the ice-cream and snow mixture.

Then comes the mud and I insist that it must be GENUINE Alaskan mud, otherwise what’s the point? It won’t be Baked Alaska, it would be Baked Whatever-country-you’re-living-in. Now this needs to cover your entire Baked Alaska!

I know what you’re thinking. There shouldn’t be anything put over top of the white covering. The white is supposed to be like the snow. But come on, get real here. Just under that is the ice cream and you don’t want the ice cream to get melted do you? I mean what kind of a moron puts ice cream in an ubbing oven for half an hour without insuring it doesn't melt? No one unless they are the world’s biggest ubbhead. To make a proper Baked Alaska you have to have it in the oven for half an hour, not just a few minutes. So the mud covering is needed and I tell you right now, Alaskan Mud is delicious! You could eat it on its own like chocolate.

So you cover your entire dessert with the delicious chocolate like mud and then you take the beetles (preferably dead) and place them on the mud. And wow, there you have it! An EDIBLE Alaskan mountain complete with tasty vermin crawling all over it.

All you need now is to bake this for half an hour at 150 degrees Celsius and your dessert is ready.             UBBBBBBBAAAAAA!!

A monthly column where readers send in letters with personal problems to solve. Our psychological expert Will Ulman (Alias Wal) has the answers and will gladly give his advice free. Remember, if you too have a problem (no matter how stupid it is... even if its a made up one) just send in your letter and Wal will give sensitive,caring advice to help you solve it.

Dear Wal

Hi, it’s me the paper bag guy! Well I did it! Me and my cell mate escaped from prison. We dug a hole in the wall which we had covered with a poster of Rita Hayworth and we crawled through one kilometre of sewer pipes to escape. We expected that plane you promised to be there, but it wasn’t! But hey, I guess something went wrong there so I’m not blaming you for that. Anyway, the mask I had, got ruined in the sewers so I had to find another paper bag and photograph. While hiding in someone’s house, I found a good photograph and so pasted it onto a paper bag. The thing is the owner of the house came home unexpectedly and she caught me there. I was wearing the picture of her husband and so she thought that’s who I was. When her real husband came home, my cell mate Lincoln killed him and hid his body. He’s now hiding in a barn next to the house. Now I’m stuck here pretending to be this woman’s husband. If I reveal myself she will wonder what happened to her real husband and may recognise me as an escaped convict.  How do I get out of this?

Escaped Con in hiding

Reply

Hey, pal, sorry about the plane. I was at a poker game that night on a roll and winning heaps, so I didn’t get around to organising that aircraft for you. Glad to know you’re still free. At least I’m assuming you are. So you’re stuck pretending to be some woman’s husband? Well, if she’s hot, it sounds like you’re onto something sweet there, but if not, then I suggest what you do is to knock out Lincoln while he’s asleep and put that paper bag over his head instead. Then you can find another paper bag with another face on it and leave.

Dear Wal,

Hey man, I’m a soldier working for a unit that works on special assignments and shit like that. The problem I have is with this crazy fool who I work with named Murdock. That sucker is always driving me up the wall, man! His crazy fool antics are driving ME crazy! If I don’t do something about him soon, I’m gonna end up crazy like him! What do I do, man?
Going Nuts

Reply

I suggest that you do even crazier shit just to annoy this guy. Like you could do something like shave off most of your hair and grow a Mohawk or something. Now that would be really crazy.

Dear Wal

That last guy’s problem is nothing compared to mine. I mean if you can’t handle some crazy work colleague go get a new job or something. Or shoot the guy. After all, he a soldier right, so he must have a gun. My problem, a waaayyy bigger problem is that I hear voices in my head. This voice tells me that he’s God and that he loves me and that he wants me to accept Jesus into his heart. Am I going crazy or is that really God talking to me?

Hearing voices

Reply

No, you’re not crazy at all. In fact I think I hear that voice myself. Yes, I hear it quite clearly it’s telling me that you should send in large sums of cash to UBBA Magazine to fund Will Ullman’s ministry. This Will Ullman guy is a saint and he tries to help people with their problems. Yes, that’s what God is clearly telling me.  Send money now and get that guy who just wrote that letter to send money in to! Can you hear that voice, dude? Yeah, you can, can't you? 

Dear Wal

You are such an ubbhead and a lousy problem solver! I reckon I could do a way better job of you when it comes to dealing with people’s problems. Way better!

Tucker Pyles (UBBA Magazine Columnist)

Reply

Fine, if you think you can do a better job, you can take over this column next month. I’ve had enough of dealing with people’s problems anyway. Especially with that moron who wears paper bags on his head. I mean what sort of an idiot would do that anyway? As of next month the job is yours, moron. Ha ha ha ha.

Note to readers: Wal thanks you for sending in letters. As of next month, Tucker Pyles will be taking over this column. 

By Mad Dave Harris

PISCES

Just because others are behaving badly doesn’t mean you have to do the same. But hey! When it Rome…

AQUARIUS
The sun linked to Venus in your fellow air sign of Gemini means that creative activities and affairs of the heart are sure to go well. Well at least for any Aquarian but you!

CANCER

You’re attitude needs to be a lot more positive. But I really don’t think you can be positive can you? You really are one very negative person and I can’t ever see you breaking out of that very depressing mode. You really need to be a little more encouraging to yourself and have more belief in what you can do, but clearly you aren’t capable of that.

TAURUS

Others will go out of their way to persuade you that they know what they are talking about. Well they probably know a darn sight more than what you do anyway!

SAGGITTARIUS

There is no point in expecting others to be reasonable today because it isn’t going to happen. Don’t expect a bloody Harriscope either!

VIRGO

You really shouldn’t be wasting your time reading these Harriscopes.

CAPRICORN

If you need inspiration today you are more likely to get it from other people than from reading stupid horoscopes.

AERIES

Someone in a position of authority will say nice things about you today. It will be all lies just to butter you up, but it sure does make a change, doesn’t it? Especially considering most people can’t stand your guts.

GEMINI

People think you are very wishy washy and cannot seem to make up your mind about things. But then again they may be thinking that you are very decisive and know what you want… or are they just thinking you go along with whatever everybody else wants? Oh I don’t know, either one of those three options is good. Pick whatever one turns out to be correct, so then you can say how my Harriscopes are spot on.

SCORPIO
Jupiter and Saturn are both strong on your birthday this year, so more than anything you need to be aware that causes always have consequences. For instance taking this horoscope seriously will simply encourage you to attempt to make it true in your life, which will lead you to mistakingly believe that horoscopes work.

LIBRA

A work colleague will rub you up the wrong way today. Next time make sure you get a massage from someone who knows what they’re doing!

LEO 

Stay at home today. Please! Nobody wants you around. Can you get that through your thick head? STAY AT HOME! LEAVE US ALONE!

Disclaimer: All articles in this magazine are the views of the authors and none of it is to be taken seriously. Interviews are purely fictional and letters are not written by the assigned people.

All writings copyrighted, UBBA Magazine 2017