Hi folks! Yes, it has been a while since our last edition of UBBA Magazine.  We have decided to make UBBA a quarterly magazine, because too many people have been dying of laughter from reading it. We need to cut down the fatalities... ok ok, that's not true at all. The fact is we just have better things to do than make you eejits laugh. I'm sure you understand. So you'll just have to live with the fact you'll only get 4 editions of UBBA Magazine each year from here on in.

 

Hey at least we won't suffer from burn out! 

 

Hope you liked the cover of this edition.  When I saw that picture of that vacant stool, I thought, wow, they actually managed to get a photograph of God for our magazine. But then I found out it was supposed to be an invisible man. Who in their right mind would seriously believe in invisible men…?  Oh… err… I guess the same people who would believe in  a god.

 

But really, when you think about it, the invisible man headline is probably one of the more believable headlines on this edition of UBBA Magazine. I mean, come on, if you ever thought Ray Comfort would ever say something rational, then you must be one of the most gullible assclowns I’ve ever come across in my entire life!

 

Speaking of God… and people who are deluded enough to think they’re in a relationship with him… this edition we have the final part of of the interview with him, conducted by my gorgeous wife Vanessa. We also have our usual features and writers.

 

A couple of changes this month. One is that we no longer have our fishing column. Rog Fisher decided that he’d had enough of the smell of fish and wanted to move onto something different. We also see the end of “Wal Wallops your worries”. Our resident self-help guru has decided that he’s done helping people and he has now been promoted to roving reporter. Each month he will bring us a news item, one that you will see on the cover of UBBA. So no longer will people be able to say that all our headlines are just mock headlines. Check out Wal’s report for this week where he reveals to us just what a bunch of psychos live on Sesame Street.

 

The Website owner, Recker tends to write a lot of light hearted comedy, but this month, Vic has decided to publish a piece from Recker’s Fantasy/Horror novel “Dead End High”. Be sure to check it out.

 

We here at UBBA absolutely appal racism. Here everyone is treated equally and we make fun of everyone no matter what colour your skin is. However to show our support to those of all colours we have decided to allow the Commission for Racial Equality to have ads in our magazine this month free of charge. I don’t think these messages are needed for intelligent, rational and caring people, but for all you racists out there… you’re assclowns. That’s all that needs to be said really. 

 

Rex Cassidy

 

 

I think it’s ridiculous that a remake is being done of a classic like Sound of Music. Worst of all Quentin Tarantino is directing it? Is this some kind of a sick joke? The original is supposed to be a delightful family movie, fun for all, but Tarantino will just turn it into a bloodfest! I’m betting that Maria will not be a nun but a vengeful former girlfriend of a Nazi fascist. Furthermore she will be singing Heavy Metal numbers. Can you imagine ‘Doe a deer” sung with backing vocals by Ozzie Osbourne or with electric guitar by Slash? It would be sickening. Please, leave the classics alone. Get Tarantino to remake Dirty Dancing instead!
Julie Andrews – England

 

 

I have to say is ruddy awesome that UBBA Magazine have finally sacked that hooligan Will Ullman from the UBBA Magazine staff. He was an absolutely appalling problem solver and had no empathy or compassion whatsoever for those who wrote in with their problems. I can’t believe that UBBA Magazine kept him on for so long. I am delighted that UBBA are going to replace him with a very wise person, a person who will no doubt give great advice to those who need help. Tucker is the right man for the job. He is pure genius and every ubbery indeed. I know that every piece of advice he gives will be just what is needed and will work perfectly
David Smith (Not Tucker Pyles the UBBA Magazine columnist)

 

{Wal was not fired, Tucker, he resigned from the role. He is now one of UBBA Magazine’s roving reporters}

 

 

I think it’s great that finally someone managed to get an interview with God and I am not surprised it was UBBA Magazine that pulled it off. Even the Christians could never accomplish such an amazing feat. I always knew he wasn’t the great guy that Christians make him out to be. Congratulations UBBA Magazine and also Vanessa Dante who is not afraid to stand up to that big bully.
Bruce Evans – USA

 

 

This whole debate about who is the best James Bond is getting a little old. In your last issue, you had a humorous picture with Sean Connery insisting that Roger Moore was the best Bond. Do we really even need to go there? It's such a stupid debate! Nobody is ever going to agree on this subject. And of course now we have everyone raving about Daniel Craig and claiming him to be the best one yet! Don’t be ridiculous!   There is nothing charming or debonair about Craig. Where’s the fun gone from the Bond movies? Why have they got so dark. Come on… if we are honest with ourselves, the best Bond of all was portrayed in the original Casino Royale back in 1967. David Niven rules!
Rudolf Collins – South Africa

 

 

I have recently started to read UBBA Magazine and am quite surprised. It was my understanding that it was supposed to be a comedy magazine. That it was meant to be something tongue-n-cheek that we weren’t supposed to take seriously. But so far I have not seen anything funny. In fact it very much does seem like a serious magazine to me. I don’t get it.
Marvin Andrews – Wales

 

{Whoever claimed it was supposed to be funny must have a warped sense of humour}

 

The Mad Dave Harris is surely a fraud. He is not able to read the stars and predict the future. He's nothing but a con man. I challenge him to make a prediction. One that will turn out to be true. A DIVINE prediction based on the stars!

Madame Futura - USA

 

{Mad Dave's prediction for you: The curse of Madame Futura will see the end of Mad Dave's Harriscopes by August 2017.}

 

Feel free to write in letters about your opinions about UBBA Magazine. We would love to hear from you.

 

If you have any regular articles you would like to add to UBBA Magazine please contact us. We are always on the look out for contributors and will give you credit where credit is due.

 

 

Simply contact the administrator of Recker’s World

 

 

Interviewer = Vanessa Dante

Interviewee = God 

Final Session

 

Vanessa: Hi everyone, I’m back with my third and final session with God. The last two sessions have been very enlightening but in this last one I intend to ask him some quick questions, questions that many humans have been asking about God for a long time. First one, Who created you?

 

God: Who created me? I’m a God, I don’t need a creator.

 

Vanessa: Why not?  

 

God: Errr… well… I just don’t!

 

Vanessa: Now come on, Creationists have been insisting that you are the exception to the rule and that you don’t need to be created. You always existed apparently. Did you tell them that?

 

God: Yes.

 

Vanessa: How would you know that you were never created? I mean there must be some point in your existence where you realised you existed and that you were all powerful and all knowing.

 

God: Ummm… Well… Maybe…

 

Vanessa: See? You can’t tell me that you always were when you can’t possibly know you always were. You can’t tell me you just always existed. How would you even know if you were created or not?

 

God: Well there is no other god apart from the ones I know!

 

Vanessa: How do you know that there isn’t some other god outside your dimension who created you and prefers to remain undetectable?

 

God: Ummm… errr…. I’M ALL KNOWING!

 

Vanessa:  Yeah, yeah, yeah, so you claim, but why should we believe you? You have no way of knowing if you are all-knowing and you have no way of knowing if you were created or not....

 

God: Just because I’m a god doesn’t mean I have all the answers you know!

 

Vanessa: Ok, so you’re not all-knowing. I’m glad we’ve established that fact.  Pity your followers can’t. Next question, if the world is only about 7000 years old, why have you set things up to make it look like it’s millions of years old? For instance fossils and rocks which show that the world is much older than 7000 years old. Or what about light reaching earth faster than the speed of light. Isn’t that being very misleading?

 

God: So what if it is? I can play with the minds of my creations if I like. I get a great deal of amusement watching humans try to figure this stuff out. It makes me laugh.

 

Vanessa: I should have known. Next question, how are you going to prevent sin in Heaven?

 

God: What? Who said there would be no sin in Heaven?

 

Vanessa: The bible.

 

God: Like I keep saying I didn’t author that load of nonsense. Most of it was written by deluded idiots who thought they knew my will but had no idea. Just how am I going to prevent sin in Heaven? Turn everyone into a bunch of robots? That would violate their freewill, but I don’t do that.

 

Vanessa: You did to people in the bible. You hardened Pharaoh’s heart, you sent a demon to terrorise Saul. You sent demons to screw up a lot of people.

 

God: Ok, so sometimes I did, but it was against the rules of the game.

 

Vanessa: Against the rules YOU made!

 

God: Well in Heaven the game will be over. I won’t be doing any more of that stuff.

 

Vanessa: So how do you deal with the problem of sin?

 

God: Well all the evil people will be dead. Only the nice people will be in Heaven.

 

Vanessa: But even nice people do bad things some times. Even if they aren’t going to murder or rape or things like that, there’s still the little sins. Everybody struggles with those. Like lying, envy, wrath, lust…

 

God: Well of course they do. I should know what humans are like, I designed their human nature didn’t I? Seriously, what would you want in Heaven? You want it to be interesting don’t you? Not mind numbingly boring. Half of the laughs and the entertainment you humans get is due to sin. People doing stupid things and making idiots of themselves. All that stuff. How boring would Heaven be if everyone behaves like good little boys and girls? You’d be begging me to kill you after about 300 years. Nothing interesting would EVER happen. Part of the fun of living is griping about people and talking behind each other’s backs. If you don’t have sin to talk about what will you talk about? The weather? “Oh, wasn’t it a lovely day today? Yes, it was a lovely day yesterday too. And the day before that. And the day before that, and the day… do I need to go on?

 

Vanessa: So if sin is allowed, that means there will be kinky sex in Heaven then?

 

God: Of course!

 

Vanessa: Ooh la la. Heaven is starting to sound more appealing now. Speaking of Heaven, why do we have to believe in you to get there? I mean isn’t it good enough just to be the best people we can be? Why does belief and faith have to come into it?

 

God: It doesn’t! I mean how absurd would that be? It would mean I had some real major ego problem if I required you to believe in me and kiss my butt before I let you into Heaven. I’m not that much of an egomaniac.

 

Vanessa: I kind of thought you were.

 

God: Well I’m not. I mean seriously, if all that was required was faith and kissing the butt of Jesus Christ, then all the Christians would be getting into Heaven and what a mess Heaven would be then! Most Christians are so arrogant, judgemental and hateful, they won’t even qualify no matter how much butt kissing they do.

 

Vanessa: Glad to hear it. The last thing we want to do is run into the likes of Hitler there. After all he was a genuine and dedicated believer.

 

God: He was and he tried to follow my example by committing genocide. However only GODS are allowed to commit genocide. That’s another rule of my game. I get to kill. You humans don’t get to. Like it or lump it!

 

Vanessa: Nothing like good old fashioned double standards.

 

God: Exactly!

 

Vanessa: What about this asking for forgiveness guff? Do we really have to grovel at your feet and be sorry for our sins before you let us into Heaven?

 

God: Ok, I admit, I do love the worshipping stuff as it makes me feel good, but my mercy is arbitrary. The bible was right about one thing… in Romans 9:15 it says that I said “I will have mercy on who I have mercy”. Although I never used those words and never said anything remotely like that to Paul who wrote them, they are true. I forgive who I feel like forgiving… after all I can forgive small children, the mentally retarded and people who have never heard about me, so I certainly don’t need no human sacrifice for it.  If there’s something I don’t like about you… like there was when it came to Esau… who I hated… Malachi 1:3… then there’s no way you’re getting into Heaven, Jack! I like you though, Vanessa, I’ll let you in no matter how bad you are.

 

Vanessa: I’m only coming if Rex is allowed in.

 

God: Sure, he’s a cool guy. He’ll be allowed in.

 

Vanessa: Great.

 

God: Maybe he can give me a few tips on picking up those elusive goddesses.

 

Vanessa: I’m sure he could. Ok time for one more question.

 

God: Oh, only one? I’m going to miss talking to you.

 

Vanessa: When are you going to start controlling your followers? There are just way too many of them misrepresenting you. Not only that but they persecute others. I thought it was supposed to be them that get the persecution, but no, it’s them that persecute US! Why won’t you take any kind of responsibility for the ones who claim to speak on your behalf?

 

God: What? Why do I need to do anything? Any logical or rational person should know that those idiots aren’t speaking on my behalf. The come up with such ridiculous nonsense. They’re deluded. Surely you aren’t fooled?

 

Vanessa: Many of us aren’t, but a lot are. They take them seriously.

 

God: Mmmm, I know, I guess I shouldn’t have made humans such a gullible species, but frankly I’ve got better things to do than go running around after idiots that think they know my will, think they speak to me and then go and speak on my behalf. If I had to deal with them, I wouldn’t be having any fun.

 

Vanessa: But you’re supposed to be omni-present and all-powerful.

 

God: If I was would I need deluded morons to speak on my behalf?

 

Vanessa: I guess not.

 

God: Once again you’re taking the bible too seriously. It was written by people who thought I needed my ego stroked and who wanted to make out I was infallible and perfect. That doesn’t mean I can do a million things at once.

 

Vanessa: Ok. Well God, it’s been an interesting experience interviewing you for UBBA Magazine and it’s great of you to come down to see us and speak to us… answer some of the questions we’ve all been asking.

 

God: Not a problem. Any time you want to interview me, I’m available.

 

Vanessa: Ha! Yeah, you’re willing to talk to some people but not others.

 

God: Yeah, well contrary to popular belief I don’t love everybody.

 

Vanessa: Touché. Thanks God. Don’t work too hard now. 

 

God: You know me, I never do. 

 

Our new roving reporter Wal (Will Ullman) reports on one of UBBA Magazine's headlines...

 

 

Sesame Street –

A breeding ground for psychopaths

 

You know, when I was a boy I used to love watching Sesame Street. My parents used to encourage me to watch it because they said it was educational. Well I’ve taken the time to analyze this show now as an adult and I have to say I’m bloody outraged. This show is an absolute abomination and should not be allowed to be aired to young children.

 

Let’s forget about the fact that Ernie and Bert are obviously raging homosexuals… after all, for some reason that’s ok these days… (and people get pissed off at me and call me homophobic if I snicker about that), but let’s just take a look at some of the other characters on that show. I mean we’re not talking about good role-models for kids. We’re talking about a bunch of bloody psychos. And they’re teaching our children to be equally as psychotic!

 

 

A rant against automated telephone answering systems.

 By Vanessa Dante

 

I think it’s about time people spoke out against automated telephone answering systems. Yes! Telephone answering systems. You know the ones that tell you to select a button and then another button and then another button. “Hello and welcome. If you wish to press a button for a particular service, please press 1. If you don’t wish to have to press a button then please press 2.”

 

You press button 2 and onto the next menu you go “If you wish to express your frustration at having to press a heap of buttons, then please type in a swear word and press the hash key. If you would rather simply tolerate this annoying telephone answering service press 2.”

 

Hopefully after pressing enough buttons you will get the option you are looking for… but oh oh, there might be some more options of buttons to press yet… “If you wish to speak to an operator who has English as their second language, press 1. If you wish to speak to an operator who has a strong accent you can’t understand, press 2. If you wish to hang up in frustration, press 3. Otherwise press 4 to return to the very first menu you were at 5 minutes ago.”

 

I don’t know about you, but at this stage I’m really annoyed at having to press buttons, going from one menu to the next. However, the frustration is not over yet... “We are currently experiencing large numbers of calls right now and all our operators are busy.”  Yeah, what’s new. Isn’t that always the case? Isn’t the fact of the matter that there are NEVER enough operators working at ANY TIME, so there are always more calls than what they can handle.

 

“Your call is valuable to us. Please stay on the line”. Errr yeah, it’s really valuable to you, that’s why you don’t have enough people manning your phones.

 

Then you have a selection of the most annoying music ever composed by musical artists. Or if you’re even more unlucky it’s some horrendously annoying tune that sounds like it’s from some old 80s video arcade game. Why do they play that music? Is that to make us WANT to hang up?

 

It’s not just music though. There will be annoying operator announcements that come up every 30 seconds or so. “We are genuinely sorry that nobody is available to take your call right now.” Huh what?? You’re sorry? Oh right, that is just such a genuine apology, isn’t it? A recorded message saying how so so sorry you are. I could imagine what my mother would have said when I was a little girl, having got up to mischief, if I’d pulled out a recorded apology and played it to her. I would have been sorry alright and it wouldn’t have been for the original infraction! 

 

Who do these morons think they are kidding? They are sorry? Seriously?

 

Oh maybe I’m being cynical here. Perhaps they actually employ a special person who actually sits there and watches all the calls coming through and laments that all these people are being kept on hold for half an hour. That’s all that person is employed to do, so that the recorded message actually really is genuine.

 

Pffffffft! Yeah, I really believe that. I do sincerely believe that. Snicker snicker.

 

What I find even more frustrating, as I’m waiting for half an hour on hold, is that in some cases they do actually play a piece of decent music and you’re getting into that music when suddenly that annoying message comes up again saying “we are so genuinely sorry that nobody is available to take your call right now…” GRRR! Not only are they trying to insult my intelligence, they are interrupting a decent piece of music. Why do I need to be told every 30 seconds how sorry you are? Is that really necessary? How about being sorry that your message about being sorry is really irritating the hell out of me?

 

So anyway, after I’ve waited half an hour, finally I get through to my foreign telephone operator who can’t speak English properly and I spend 5 minutes explaining my problem to her before she finally understands.

 

“I’m sorry, Miss, but you have the wrong department. I will transfer you” 

 

And there starts another saga, but that’s a long-winded tale for another day. 

 

In this edition of UBBA Magazine we learn more about the final years of your average Threrian. Some of this may be very startling and disturbing to our readings.

 

 

 

A Threrrian’s Final Years

 

The last five years of a Threrrian’s life will be spent in blissful ignorance and is the most relaxing and revitalising time of their lives. Most tasks that they would have done before are now performed entirely by their own adopted children. An elderly Threrrian need not even change his own clothes without some form of assistance. The elderly Threrrian lives the life of luxury that most Earthlings can only dream about.

There is no fear of death on Threr. In fact, death is a joyous occasion for Threrrians. Perhaps it is as earlier alluded to, that life is considered a curse rather than a blessing. Throughout most of their lives, a Threrrian is very aware of the predicted time of his death. They will even celebrate annually, as they draw closer to their day of death.

In the final few years of a Threrrian’s life, so much unlearning has gone on; that they no longer become aware of how much time they have left. With only one-year left, the average Threrrian will have forgotten how to speak. The concept of numbers will now be foreign and they will have no knowledge of their impending doom, which is probably just as well, because the process of death on Threr is a rather bizarre, frightening ordeal.

 

 

The Death of a Threrrian

 

   Death is a remarkable thing on Threr. For one thing, the predicted date of death is almost one hundred percent accurate. Almost no one dies before their time. Murder is non-existent and so is death by disease or accident. To us, it seems too good to be true, but on Threr, it is the case. Paradise? Far from it, but it must come close.

When an Earthling is born, they come from a woman: their mother. There is no need to explain any more than that. Strangely enough, on Threr, a Threrrian returns to the woman to die; their daughter. Generally, the death ceremony takes place in a hospital, where doctors are available to ensure the safe delivery of the elderly Threrrian to its daughter’s womb.

The initial trip back into the woman can be quite a harrowing experience for a dying Threrrian. What feelings the dying Threrrian experiences once in the womb are unknown, but they do not die immediately. In fact, it takes nine months for the dying process to take place. Threrrians prefer to believe that death is a pleasant experience all though others believe that it is probably painful. In the early stages of the nine months, the dying Threrrian will kick and thrash around, but whether this is pain or just because of lack of space, this is unknown. Gradually though the kicking and thrashing will become weaker and finally cease.

If there is pain, it must be a slow gruelling death for the Threrrian. Despite appearances however, Threrrians still see death as a positive thing. Perhaps they feel that this is a satisfactory price to pay for their temporary gift of immortality. To the Threrrian it must surely be a luxury to know that one cannot die before one’s allotted time.

 

Psychologist - Dr Kathleen Malcolm comments:

 

When you consider the probable traumatic experience of death on Threr, it becomes more understandable, why Threrrians would want to erase all knowledge and memories from their minds. Furthermore, it seems like a natural regression in their lives, a little like Alzheimer’s suffers might endure on Earth.

 

 

God won’t prove himself to you?

Perhaps he hates your guts?

 

 

God loves us, brothers and sisters. He truly does. Think of what he does for you. All the blessings he piles upon you. He blesses you daily, doesn’t he? He answers your prayers? True Christians like you and I experience miracles in our daily lives.   God aids us day to day and helps us overcome sin and difficult situations.

 

God healed me!

God got me that job.

He helped me pass that examination.

He helped us win!

He gave me strength!

He helped me overcome that difficulty!

 

God is always working for us, doing things for us. He proves himself to us EACH AND EVERY DAY! HALLELUJAAAAAAH! Do I hear an AMEN brothers and sisters? Of course I do! We KNOW that Jesus is real because he proves it to us each and every day. PRAISE THE LOOORRRRRD!

 

So there God is, doing all these wonderful things for us TRUE Christians, jumping through hoops, answering prayers, dishing out blessings left right and centre,  but what happens to you, the nonbeliever who wants proof that God exists? You want to test something out in a way that proves once and for all whether God is real or not? You get NOTHING! ZIP!

 

Perhaps he hates you?

 

Whoa! Wait just there, Pastor Jake! God hates? No he doesn’t, he does not hate, he’s a God of love! At least that’s what I bet many of you are saying out there, brothers and sisters, but there are numerous times in the bible where God says he hates. Here are just a list of some of them.

 

Leviticus 20:23
And ye shall not walk in the manners of the nation, which I cast out before you: for they committed all these things, and therefore I abhorred them.

Psalm 5:5
The foolish shall not stand in thy sight: thou hatest all workers of iniquity.

Psalm 11:5
The LORD trieth the righteous: but the wicked and him that loveth violence his soul hateth.

Proverbs 6:16, 19
These six things doth the LORD hate ... A false witness that speaketh lies, and he that soweth discord among brethren.

Hosea 9:15
I hated them: for the wickedness of their doings.

Malachi 1:3
And I hated Esau, and laid his mountains and his heritage waste for the dragons of the wilderness.

Romans 9:13
As it is written, Jacob have I loved, but Esau have I hated.

 

Deu 22:5
A woman must not wear men's clothing, nor a man wear women's clothing, for the
LORD your God detests anyone who does this.

 

Notice that it’s not the sin that God hates, it’s the people BECAUSE of their sins. Yes, I hate to break this to you, my brothers and sisters, but God does most definitely hate people. In fact he hates the majority of his creations. Only the few he will love and give eternal life. The few like myself, and you, brothers and sisters.

 

That is why God will only give a few of us the time of day. He will perform miracles and do things for us daily. The rest he will do nothing for. He will make no effort whatsoever to prove even his existence to you let alone his love. 

 

I’ve heard it before, my brothers and sisters. The excuses…. “Oh no, God is not a cosmic errand boy”, “God will not be tested!”, “Don’t expect God to jump through hoops for you.”   

 

But are we being honest here? Is it really for those reasons? Of course it isn’t brothers and sisters. God will jump through hoops for we Christians. He will be our cosmic errand boy. He will prove his existence to us daily and he DOES! So if he will do it for us, why will he not do it for our unbelieving brothers and sisters?

 

There is only one possible explanation. He hates them. After all if a wall is up between him and them, he could easily knock that wall down as he’s God. So it’s the only logical explanation we have left. He hates them and does not wish to knock that wall down. He hates them ALL! He does NOT want to do anything for them. And let’s face it… they are worthy of his hate, aren’t they, my brothers and sisters? That is why one day they will all burn in the fiery pits of Hell! HALLELUJAH!!!!

 

 

 

Letters

 

Dear Pastor Jake

Hi, it’s me Tucker Pyles again still trying to establish my own religion, with myself as the head. I am having continued problems with my authority. People are asking why I have been the chosen one to lead my religion when they say there doesn’t appear to be much of anything about me that is divine. If only I could perform some miracles of some kind. Any ideas Pastor Jake?

Tucker Pyles (UBBA Magazine Columnist)

 

Dear Tucker

There is no problem there at all. You can easily stage tricks. For instance the old extended leg scam where you make a person’s leg grow before their eyes and claim it’s God healing them. That is a very well used scam by charlatans. Just look it up on u-tube.  One of the best tricks to do is to claim that a person has an affliction that they don’t have. Then pray over them and make out that they have just been healed. Set people up in the audience to complain about made up disabilities, pray over them and then have them miraculously cured! These are techniques that the best faith healers use. When it comes to giving prophecies and words of wisdom, be vague. People want these things to be real so will either go out of their way to make them real or see something that could vaguely be connected to the prophecy in some way. Always rely on the gullibility of your congregation. They want to believe your nonsense! Take advantage of that gullibility.

 

 

Dear Pastor Jake

I take exception to the fact that you are teaching that moron Tucker Pyles how to start his own fake religion. You encourage him to be devious and manipulative. What I want to know is why you are doing this? Why would you encourage yet another false religion when there are already so many of them?

Mona Lazarus

 

Dear Moaner
Don’t you realise that Matthew 24:24 tells us that in the last days false messiahs and false prophets will appear and perform great signs and wonders to deceive, if possible, even the elect"?  The word of God tells us this, so it is the duty of people to attempt to fulfill this prophesy  to hasten the end of days so that our wonderful lord Jesus can return! Jesus needs us to do our bit! I am doing my bit. By helping people establish false religions, I am bringing Jesus’s return that little bit closer! Hallelujah!

 

 

Dear Pastor Jake

It’s been 2000 years since Jesus died and supposedly returned from the dead like a zombie. 2000 years! He told us he was returning soon. He told us it would be in the life time of those who were alive at the time he said those words.  People have been harping on for 2000 years telling us he’s coming soon, but he hasn’t. Why would you be so deluded to believe that he’s returning? Clearly that prophecy is well passed its use by date. And please don’t give me that ridiculous excuse that a 1000 years to us is like a day to God. That’s pure BS.

Jack Jacobs

 

Dear Jack “clearly loves and worships Satan” Jacobs.

Anyone who would ask such a question is clearly a Satan-loving, abomination who probably practices human sacrifice and indulges in bestiality. If Jesus says he is coming back soon than any number, no matter how big it is, is a short time. If he said soon, then 5000 years would be considered soon. A MILLION YEARS would be considered soon. It’s as simple as that. As for quoting Jesus. You have absolutely no right to quote him as you are a Satan lover. Clearly Satan has twisted your mind, so you read the bible words for what they say. If you were a Christian then you would know that those words don’t actually mean what they say. They mean something completely different instead. Anything in the bible that doesn’t fit with reality, clearly means something different to what it actually says. You simply can’t fathom it with your tiny devil manipulated brain.

 

 (I apologize for my tone. The righteous anger of Jesus Christ came upon me as I typed this reply).

 

 

Disclaimer: UBBA Magazine in no way endorse the methods recommended by Aunty Lil

 

People on the streets often ask me, Aunty Lil, how do you do it? How do you maintain your sanity when dealing with such unruly brats as the children that you had? It’s not easy, I tell you. There are times when I wanted to tear out my own hair own, especially when my gormless sons wouldn’t understand basic skills like differential calculus for instance. Can you imagine the torment I had to go through to try to teach my 5 year old just basic calculus?

 

So this month I will talk about education. After all, as a parent it’s our job to start their education and it’s our job to ensure they continue to put in an effort. However you can’t rely on the school system. Oh no. the school system is about as useful as a glob of spit in a fire fight when it comes to educating your brats. So I have my own methods which I use, which are far more effective.

 

Let’s talk about subjects that your impudent brats learn at school and how you can be an effective teacher at home instead.

 

This edition:

 

English

 

Any decent parent is going to teach their children how to talk at an early age. One way I have used to get them to learn how to speak the language is to only respond if they use proper words. None of this goo goo gaga stuff. And if they don’t say the word properly, they don’t get what they want.

 

For instance, at the age of 2 years old, Tucker learnt his first word. “Food”. However it became a lot tougher to teach him other words, even ones relating to food. For instance at the age of three years old, when he tried to say, “Ice Cream”.  He would say “Scream!” So I would get nose to nose with him and scream as loud as I possibly could. Ha ha ha ha ha! No ice cream for Tucker! HA HA HA HA HA! Just a face full of bad breath! HA HA HA HA HA… and the fright of his life.

 

Other times my husband and I would buy in some pizza and Tucker, with wide eyes would call out to us. “Peeeassss! Peeeeasss!”  So I would grab a handful of frozen peas out of the freezer and hand them to him. Ha ha ha ha ha! Throughout the meal he would continue to ask for “Peaaassss! Peeeasss!” and he’d get another handful of frozen peas. I think it wasn’t until he was about 9 years old that he learnt how to say Pizza properly and by then his appetite was so big, there was no way we could afford to buy pizza for HIM!

 

“Chips” was another tough word for Tucker, but for some reason whenever he said the word, he sounded Chinese. So it sounded like he was saying “shit” instead. You can surely guess what he had put on his plate when he asked for that!

 

Teaching them to write though is a lot more difficult than teaching them to speak. Schools help with this, but unfortunately if you have a moron for a son like I do, he’s very slow so he gets lots of homework. My trick was to lock him up in the cupboard until he’d finished his homework.

 

When he didn’t have homework I got him doing some writing anyway. This is where you can teach them all sorts of stuff. You can get your five year old to say look through a text book of some kind. Say one on physics or something like that, and get them to write a 20 page essay on a particular subject. Tucker’s essays were so bad I couldn’t even read them, but at least it shut him up for the evening and I didn’t have to bother with him.

 

But enough on English. Next month we talk about teaching them Mathematics. 

 

This month I have terrible news. I just know you will all be upset, but I’m afraid I have to divulge this news whether you like it or not. This will be my final cooking column for UBBA Magazine.

 

Please… PLEASE! No tears! There’s no need to end your life or anything like that because I am not leaving UBBA Magazine. No, as you will see I am now writing the advice column… answering people’s letters about their personal problems, (as Wal was an absolutely lousy problem solver).  So you will still get to experience my genius every month.

 

So this is not really such a sad occasion at all. In fact we should take this as a reason to celebrate, so what better  idea for my final cooking column than giving you advice on what to serve up for a Farewell Feast!

 

The Farewell Feast

 

 

Of course this isn’t going to be just any old Farewell Feast. It’s going to be the PYLES Farewell Feast.

 

These are things you must include in that feast:

 

Chocolate and Liver Brownies

Be sure to chop up the liver into cubes. What a wonderful texture to have chunks of chocolate and liver in your brownies.

 

Banana Skin Splits.

If like me you can’t wait to eat the banana in your Banana Split, well that’s where the Banana Skin Split is ingenious. Eat the banana and simply place the banana skins there instead, then pile on with ice cream (I recommend Turnip flavoured), whipped cream, syrupy toppings and nuts.

 

Give a Fig Pig

This dish I was inspired to make based on an old episode of “The Young Ones”. You had Rik Mayall making up a poem about cops and how he didn’t give a fig, pig!  So my idea was to put together a delicious plate of bacon, lentils and figs.  (OH NO NOT LENTILS AGAIN! He he he). To add some real good crunch to it, add in some eggs shells. Season it all with a generous helping of lemon juice and there you have it. Give a Fig Pig. (oh and make sure you don’t peel the figs. Just put them in whole!)

 

Pyles Tropical Fruit Salad
For a real tropical style salad done the Pyles way, you want as many tropical fruits as you can and the secret is you can save time by not pealing any of them. So throw in some chopped up pineapple (with the shell still on it), chopped up coconuts (with the shell and husk as well) and some softer fruits… any tropical ones you can find. Then throw in a few other things as well, things that make this one extra special like tomatoes, onions, Brussels sprouts, broccoli and offal. Then sprinkle on some curry powder and Tabasco sauce. 

 

Vege Peel Salad

It can’t all be sweets and fattening goodies. You need something healthy in there too. This particular salad makes good use of all your vegetable skins you’ve collected in your scrap bucket for the last few weeks. Ensure you have a healthy amount of onion skins, potato and carrot peels… even those beetroot and broccoli leaves. Gently toss them until mixed up, then pile on at least a bottle of mayonnaise and there you have it. Delicious Peel Skin salad. Cheap too!

 

Charcoal Chicken

I’m talking REAL charcoal chicken. You go to places that serve Charcoal Chicken only to find that the chicken isn’t actually charred. You need to really char it in the oven. Until it’s BLACK. Now that’s REAL Charcoal chicken. UBBAAA!

 

………….

 

Now that you have all these delicious dishes, we’re not just going to place them on plates and put them on the table. Oh no, what kind of a boring farewell feast is that? No! We’re going to just throw it all together into a huge mountain on the floor, grab a pitch fork, mix it all up…and then it’s, FIRST IN FIRST SERVED! 

 

UUUUUUUBBAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

 

Disclaimer: UBBA Magazine advises you not to take Uncle Tuck's advice... unless you are a moron, in which case the world would be better off without you.

 

 

Hi everyone! It’s me, your favourite UBBA Magazine columnist Tucker Pyles. You will be so glad to know that our advice column, “Wal Wallops your Worries” has finally been canned. We’ve finally got rid of that ubbhead Wal… a guy who has no clue how to give good advice. In fact his advice was so bad he even had people wearing paper bags over their heads to get girlfriends. That’s how bad he was! I for one would never come up with such ridiculous advice.

 

Now you have your Uncle Tucker taking over from him, someone who actually has wisdom and can give you REAL advice to help you with your worries. Of course it would make no sense to call it "Wal Wallops your Worries” anymore, so instead it’s going to be “Uncle Tuck Cleans up the Muck”.  In other words, me, you’re Uncle Tucker, is going to help you deal with all the mess in your lives. No matter what your problem is, Uncle Tuck will be here to give you fantastic advice.

 

So let’s see that first letter!

 

Dear Uncle Tuck

I’m an airline pilot. I have been one now for ten years, but as I’ve gained more experience, I have gained more responsibility and am now flying huge airliners with hundreds of passengers in them. The thing is I have become really paranoid about something going wrong. This fear is affecting me more and more all the time and I’m afraid that I have developed a real phobia about flying now. But I am a pilot and I still have to fly! How can I overcome this fear?

Panicky Pilot

 

Reply

They say that to overcome your fears, you need to face your fears. So if you’re afraid of crashing your plane, then the most obvious thing is to crash it… say into a jungle or a mountain. Not just once either. Do it several times and I guarantee you that fear of flying will soon be overcome!

 

 

Dear Uncle Tuck

My wife and I have a friend who we regularly have over for dinner. We have been doing this for five years now, but not once does this friend ever invite us over to his place for dinner. What should we do?

Hospitable

 

Reply

What? You have a friend who never gives you any food? What an outrage! That person is not your friend whatsoever! Besides, why would you want to share any of your food anyway? Are you a complete moron? No one in their right mind gives away food. Every crumb I have, I eat! Nobody else gets it! My advice to you is to disown this friend. In fact you should send them a bill for all the food they’ve eaten. You can’t let them get away with that!

 

Dear Uncle Tuck

I have a friend who is ripping off welfare by collecting two benefit payments. He is my friend, but it makes me angry that he would do something so underhanded when there are so many people who struggle to get by. I’m just not sure what to do. He’s my friend, but I don’t want to report him.

Uncertain

 

Reply

Report the dole bludging ubbhead! It’s the only right thing to do! You do realise that it’s the tax payer that is paying for this bludger’s benefits? You and I, hardworking people, are paying our taxes so this freeloader can enjoy a life of leisure. I won’t have it! My taxes I pay should rightfully go to ME not some drunken lazy layabout like your friend. I could be taking that money and buying extra food! But instead I have to pay taxes so that YOUR friend can buy extra goodies to put in HIS fridge! Report him now or I’ll come over there and give you a damn good beating!

 

Dear Uncle Tuck

Hi, it’s me, the guy who recently escaped from prison (who wears paper bags over his head). I have managed to escape the house I was hiding out in. I actually found a photograph in one of the rooms of some guy and put that on a paper bag instead. So anyway I spend the next several days on the move, avoiding the police. The problem is it turned out that the photograph I had on my paper bag, everyone recognised and they were questioning me wondering why I was wearing a face of someone they knew. Some even demanded I take it off, so I  tried to threaten them with violence if they didn’t leave me alone. But all they did was scoff and try to rip the paper bag off my head. All I could do was flee, after all, I couldn’t have them remove the bag and then recognise me as one of the escaped convicts. I don’t know what to do. I don’t dare break into anyone’s house and steal photographs, just in case I still get recognised. Maybe I could find an old magazine and cut out a picture of another celeb, but what if I get swamped by fans? Whose picture should I use anyway?

On the run

 

Reply

You ubbhead! Don’t you realise that Wal, our former advice columnist was only making  you look like a complete ubbhead? He was getting you to wear paper bags on your head with faces on it, just for a joke! You continuing to follow his advice, which just got you into even more trouble and made you look like a whack job. Uncle Tuck would never give such moronic advice as Wal. You need a sensible solution. Look, it’s easy. If you just want people to stay away from you, you need to look scary. So my advice to you is wear a MASK! You should easily be able to find a hockey mask in a school gym or something like that. Just put that on, go wherever you want and nobody will dare approach you. They’ll think your Jason Voorhees!  

 

 

Brought to you by Mad Dave Harris

 

PISCES

It’s time to start standing on your own two feet and make your own decisions. So stop being an idiot and quit reading horoscopes. No matter what you might think the stars aren’t going to offer you any supernatural solutions.

 

AQUARIUS
Any doubts you may have about a financial matter will be swept away this weekend. All those bills will sweep away any hope you have of spending your money on something fun.

 

CANCER

It may annoy you that you have been cut out of the information loop but  Well it will certainly annoy you this month, because I’m not doing a Harriscope for you.

 

TAURUS

A dispute of some kind will tax your patience today but it is nothing new, after all you’re always pissing people off, aren’t you?

 

SAGGITTARIUS

You have done a lot of soul-searching of late and have reached some interesting conclusions.  Of course they’re all a load of bollocks, but what the hey.

 

VIRGO

Your most important task now is to identify what it is you want out of life. Once you have done that you can grumble and groan about how you’re never going to get it.  

 

CAPRICORN

All the petty upsets and restrictions of the past few weeks are beginning to fade but before you know it there will be a whole lot more petty upsets and restrictions to deal with. Bloody typical isn’t it?

 

AERIES

There are so many ways you can improve the quality of your life but I’m not going to tell you what they are, after all horoscopes never give you anything really useful. Just vague advice that could apply to anyone, no matter what star sign.

 

GEMINI

Cosmic activity in the domestic area of your chart will reach critical mass over the next few days. What does that mean? How the hell should I know?

 

LEO

You are wrong wrong wrong! Everything about you is wrong. Everything you do is wrong. Why must the rest of us have to put up with your wrongness?

 

SCORPIO
Your self-belief is so high at the moment that everyone things you’re an egotistical jerk. Get down off your damn high horse, Jack!

 

LIBRA

You may be tempted to tear down something you created, simply because it is not up to the high standards you set for yourself. Go right ahead. After all what is high standards to you is pure crap to everyone else. 

 

 

Adam Braddock is trying to find out what has happened to the students at Pungaru High. His classmates and even some of his friends are disappearing one by one and he believes it may have something to do with the wacky new principle Mr Venables and his creepy English teacher Miss Crazy (Casey).

One night he returns to the house of Dora, one of the missing students, a place he last saw occupied by Miss Crazy and two unknown male friends.

 

It appeared quiet and it was probably safe to assume that Miss Crazy and her two goons had not returned. But all the same, he felt nervous just looking at it. About to walk on home, curiosity got the better of him and he entered the section to have another look inside to see if anything had changed.

Sure enough, the door was still unlocked. He slipped inside, not bothering to knock. If someone was inside, he didn’t want to draw attention to himself. He checked out each room, a little disappointed that nothing had changed. The copy of The Stand still sat on the coffee table, right where he had left it. He relaxed and started to turn when a female voice called from the hallway. ‘What the hell are you doing here?’

He whirled to face the voice, bashing his shin against the coffee table. ‘Dora!’ Adam gasped, his eyes wide. ‘You’re here!’

The skinny unattractive Dora stood there in front of him, looking perfectly ok. ‘Of course I’m here! This is my house…’ Her voice trailed off and she stared at him. ‘Adam?’

‘Yes.’

She began to speak, a puzzled look on her face, but then her voice became muffled. Adam was having yet another of his relapses. He strained to hear her voice, but couldn’t make out any of her words. Her manner grew angrier as she spoke and finally her voice cleared. ‘…that was obviously a lie. A total lie! Why would people say things like that, if it wasn’t true?’

‘What?’ Adam asked, wishing he knew what she was talking about.

Her voice became muffled again, but her mouth motored on like a little Pacman head, until finally, ‘…Are you listening to me?’  She glared at him, with fury in her eyes. ‘Obviously not! Anyway, you know, you can’t just come waltzing into someone’s place like this, don’t you?’

‘I...’

Dora marched into the lounge.

‘You better not have broken anything. You better not have stolen anything!’

‘I haven’t.’

‘So why are you here?’

‘I... I was looking for you. Where have you been? You’ve been missing for nearly a week. Where are your parents?’

‘Missing?’ She scrunched up her face. ‘What in Heaven’s name are you talking about?’

‘Was it Miss Casey? Mr Vennie maybe? Were two other men involved? You’ve got to tell me what happened.’

‘Nothing happened to me. I don’t know what you are talking about. Have you completely lost your mind? I’ve been to school every day this week…’ Her voice became muffled again. 

Adam gave up trying to figure out what she was saying and continued to stare at her mouth opening and closing and the thoughts of Pacman entered his head once more. But this time he imagined the little coloured ghosts chasing the Pacman head and a horrible thought crossed his mind.

What if he was looking at a ghost? 

He immediately dismissed the thought. Perhaps Miss Crazy and her goons had messed with her mind and somehow she had found her way home with no memory of the abduction.

Adam was tempted to throw the paperback book at her to see if she could catch it, but decided to try talking to her some more, even though he had to interrupt whatever it was she was trying to say. ‘Miss Casey was staying here. You weren’t around!’

‘Miss who?’ Her voice came back clearly this time. ‘Get real. Nobody else lives here but us.’

Adam picked up the book on the coffee table and shoved it in front of her face. ‘How do you explain this then?’ He opened it up and pointed out Miss Crazy’s name and address on the inside cover.

 ‘What does that prove? You put that there. Adam, you have gone loopy. I’m gonna call the cops.’ She walked towards the telephone and as she did, Adam’s eyes went funny again. Dora’s body turned transparent. He could see the desk through her as she neared the phone.

Adam closed his eyes and shook his head. When he opened them again, he could see her properly once more. She was at the phone and turned to face him again, ‘You are going to be in so much trouble.’

‘Wait!’ Adam didn’t want the police involved. He was about to explain why, but Dora’s body started to fade again. He squeezed his eyes shut and shook his head again. Opening his eyes, Dora was still there, but still partly transparent. She studied him with one eyebrow raised.

‘L…Look…’ Adam tried to ignore what he was seeing. ‘People have been disappearing around here. I thought you had too. You weren’t at school, so I don’t know why you’re trying to insist you were. It can be prov…’

‘Oh come on! What is the mat...?’

‘Adam, who are you talking to?’

Adam spun towards the hallway again. ‘Robyn!’ He felt a sudden sense of déjà vu.

‘Hi, Adam.’ Robyn stepped into the room, looking around. ‘Who were you talking to?’

‘Dora! Dora’s here...’ He directed Robyn’s attention to where Dora had been standing, but she was gone. He circled the room and searched the kitchen, but she was nowhere in sight.

‘What’s the matter? And why are you in here? This isn’t your place.’

Adam felt extremely flustered. ‘She was here... Didn’t you see her?’ He rushed to the phone and glanced around frantically. She had well and truly disappeared.

‘Dora?’ Robyn shrugged. ‘Who’s Dora?’

‘She used to live here...’ He felt goose bumps all over his body. The words he spoke seemed to have an eerie feel about them and a nasty thought began to manifest in his mind. ‘Robyn... I think they’re all dead.’

She was silent for a few seconds as if letting his words sink in. ‘You really think so?’

‘Dora was here. I know you’re going to say I was imagining it, but she was here. You interrupted her. I can’t believe you didn’t see her. Didn’t you hear her talking?’

‘No. I only heard you.’ She didn’t smile, but her eyes looked so innocent and honest. It was hard to think of her as being in league with Miss Crazy. But he couldn’t trust her. ‘Nobody’s here, Adam. Only you and I.’

It seemed she was right. He opened a pantry cabinet in the kitchen to see if Dora was just hiding. There had to be a better explanation.

‘What are you doing here anyway?’ Robyn asked.

Adam was about to reply that he was just doing a little investigating, when a question of his own occurred. ‘How did you know I was in here?’

Robyn looked down at the floor, turning red. ‘I… I saw you come in.’

It seemed like a fair enough answer. At first, he considered she might have been following him, but that was not necessarily the case. But it still didn’t add up. ‘What made you think I snuck in? How do you know Dora didn’t invite me in? Or her parents for that matter? Why did you just follow me in without knocking? And how come you waited for so long to do it?’

‘Ummm… I don’t know. I guess I was worried you might be in some kind of trouble, especially with all the disappearances. I waited for a bit, but you didn’t come out so I came in. Besides, I always thought this place was deserted. I’ve never seen anyone around here.’

Adam’s eyes narrowed. She had only been in town for a few days, so how would she know the place had been deserted? And if she was in league with Miss Crazy, as he suspected, then she knew the woman had been staying here. ‘But this place hasn’t been deserted, has it?’

‘Huh? Why do you say that?’

‘Because you’ve been here yourself. With Miss Casey.’

Robyn looked at him with a puzzled expression. ‘Why would you say that? Have you seen me here before?’

Adam wasn’t quite sure how to answer that. The last thing he wanted to do was upset the girl, especially if she was innocent. But she’d also admitted in front of the whole class that she knew Miss Crazy personally – outside of school. ‘No,’ Adam said finally. ‘But it had crossed my mind.’

‘Why?’

‘There’s just been too much way weird stuff going on around here. And with Mr Vennie and Miss Casey and those other two guys turning up in Pungaru at the same time as you, I just wondered whether there was a link.’

‘Well...’ Robyn’s lips curled in a wry smile. ‘Even if there was, you’d have nothing to worry about. I’m not here to try to abduct people and kill them off. And neither is Miss Casey.’

Adam decided not to argue. After all, he couldn’t really well accuse her of lying. And if she was trying to protect Miss Crazy, she was hardly going to agree that she was guilty.

 

Available for sale on Smashwords:

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/675934

Also Tindle:

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B01M9GLM30

 

Disclaimer: All articles in this magazine are the views of the authors and none of it is to be taken seriously. Interviews are purely fictional and letters are not written by the assigned people.

 

All writings copyrighted, UBBA Magazine 2017