Edition 13 - Winter 2017

 

Hi there everyone! Rex Cassidy here, introducing lucky edition 13 of UBBA Magazine. And how lucky you readers are, because back in the 90s UBBA Magazine could only be bothered printing 8 editions before they packed it in to do more interesting things. Yet here we are still churning out this publication, but remember, all good things don’t last forever. You never know when we might do something crazy and decide to move onto other ventures. But don’t worry. The ride is not over yet.  We will continue to do our best to bring you laughs and hopefully not repetitive!

 

I couldn’t help but notice one of the headlines on this edition. Bloody hell, I find it quite shocking to be honest. In fact, dumbfounding. My first thought was, could it really be true? Could Microsoft have really produced for the very first time some reliable software? I know, it’s a shocker right? Completely unfathomable. Probably the most outrageous headline we have yet published in UBBA Magazine.

 

Ok, ok, just kidding. I’m having you on. I KNOW it’s a joke headline. Just like all the other headlines on the front cover, especially the main headline. I’m not that gullible, you know. You have to admit though, those are some of the funniest headlines you’ve yet seen on the cover of UBBA, right?

 

Beware, winter's edition of UBBA Magazine contains a little more controversial material than normal., particularly when it comes to Pastor Jake’s Words of Godly Wisdom. He is covering a very controversial topic, which most Christians prefer to sweep under the carpet. Read it, but please remember that Pastor Jake is your typical Christian male who takes the bible very seriously and treats it as “God’s word”. We shall prepare for the backlash next edition. I for one worship the woman in my life, because… well because she’s a goddess.

 

Speaking of supernatural mumbo jumbo, a lot of people tend to be critical about horoscopes and claim they never work. I’m completely with them. I think it’s a load of crap and only the gullible will fall for it. Let’s face it, most of those things are just good advice and vague observations and predictions that could be true for anyone. However, this quarter, I will be sure to read Mad Dave’s Harriscopes as he has assured us that he is doing a very honest Harriscope for everyone. Well good on ya, Dave, although I have to say I hear a lot of people saying you have been spot on each time with your predictions and advice. So I can only imagine how up front and honest you are going to be this time around! Bring it on!

 

Some extra good news this edition and that is we are going to go back to publishing UBBA more regularly. There was a period there where we slacked off a bit and it was looking like we might burn out so we decided to publish quarterly issues. Well now the creative juices at UBBA have started to flow again and we have so much new material we are itching to get it out. So UBBA Magazine will now go from a quarterly online mag to bi-monthly. You will also be seeing some more new things coming. 

 

I know there will be a lot of partying going on now that you've heard THAT news!

 

But anywhere, that’s enough from me this time around. I’ve talked enough. Let’s get on with the laughs…

 

Rex Cassidy

 

 

Hello, two editions ago, the cover indicated there would be an invisible article in the magazine. However, when I looked I could not find this invisible article anywhere. Not even so much as blank space! This must surely mean that you lied about the invisible article. How could you make up such false headlines like that? We readers trust that you will not try to deceive us!

Daniel Westen – UK

 

 {Invisible reply:     }

 

 

I wish to complain about the disclaimer that the editors put in to Uncle Tuck’s problem solving column in the previous edition. How dare you say that people should not take his advice! What an absolute slanderous accusation to make about a man who is so brilliant and so ubbery! It’s sickening that you could have a genius like me writing for your magazine, only to ridicule him and make him out to be someone you can’t trust. I am furious and am thinking of staging a protest outside UBBA Magazine until they apologize to this great man and remove that disclaimer.  I do NOT expect to see that disclaimer there next month. If it is, I will gather UBBA Magazine fans and take action!
Professor Picard – France

 

 

I can’t believe that some loser wrote in last edition going on about who was the best James Bond. This has been a debate that has been going on for so long now it’s become a gigantic bore. Do we really need to keep discussing it? It really is completely infantile. Some people clearly don’t have a life. Instead, why don’t we talk about which Star Trek Captain is the best? As for me, I think Capt Picard is the best. He was less reckless than Capt Kirk and a lot more level headed and sensible. Better than Capt Sisko… better than Capt Janeway… although she was kind of hot. You know, if I’d been Chakotay I would have so given protocol the old heave-ho and gone for it!
Jordy Burton – Zimbabwe

 

{You wouldn’t think that of Janeway now if you saw her on “Orange is the New Black”.}

 

I so object to Wal’s article last edition on Sesame Street. In fact I’m completely offended about that. And of course he had to make a snide comment about Ernie and Bert being gay, didn’t he? I mean why can’t we enjoy our children’s shows without having to have someone pick nits and try to make out there is something darker or more sinful involved? Leave the classics alone. We should be more offended by shows like Teletubbies. Remember that one? Those gigantic little toddlers who were obsessed with tubby toast and tubby custard? They were well and truly warped. And let’s not even get into Barney the Dinosaur. I mean, seriously, what is it with those weird little kids all getting excited over singing puerile kids songs? No children are like that in reality.
Psalty the Singing Songbook - USA

 

 

Unlike all these other moaners who have nothing better to do than complain, I have something positive to say. I have to say I just love UBBA Magazine. I don’t care what anyone might say, it’s genius. Of course people are going to claim that this letter was simply written by UBBA Magazine staff to try to make it look like it has fans, but that would be furthest from the truth. You guys are freaking brilliant! I’m a huge fan and I ain’t afraid to admit it! I will publicly declare it right now. You guys rock!
Anonymous

 

Feel free to write in letters about your opinions about UBBA Magazine. We would love to hear from you.

 

If you have any regular articles you would like to add to UBBA Magazine please contact us. We are always on the look out for contributors and will give you credit where credit is due.

 

 

Simply contact the administrator of Recker’s World

 

 

Interviewer = Vanessa Dante

Interviewee = Daniel Craig

 

Vanessa: I never thought I’d see the day that I would be interviewing James Bond, but here I am, with the current Bond. There has been a lot of talk lately that you are quitting as Bond, but then there is also talk that you have been offered a lot of money to continue on as Bond…

 

Craig: Yes, so I am here now to set the record straight about all that.

 

Vanessa; Actually, no you’re not.

 

Craig: Huh? What?

 

Vanessa: We at UBBA don’t really care if you’re going to continue as Bond as we never liked your version of him anyway. Your Bond surely has to be the least likable of all the portrayals, except for maybe Timothy Dalton’s.

 

Craig: Well yes, Dalton was awful as Bond and yes I really have portrayed Bond as a complete cad, but I’m bewildered. I came here to announce once and for all whether the world would see me in another Bond movie. Surely, you’d like me to tell you that here? Surely UBBA Magazine would want to be the first to announce this?

 

Vanessa; Like I said, we just don’t care. The reason why you are here is UBBA Magazine wanted to do a tribute to the greatest Bond of all, Sir Roger Moore, who died just recently. We figured that seeing as you were the latest Bond, we’d bring you in to talk about him.

 

Craig: Oh… I err… nobody said that would be the case, but sure, I’m happy to talk about Sir Roger. He was a great actor and a fabulous Bond.

 

Vanessa: But you prefer Sean Connery, right?

 

Craig: Well…errrr…

 

Vanessa: You have said that in the past.

 

Craig: Well I’d never want to lie to someone like you. I did say he was my personal favourite, but then that was just because I wanted to appear hip. Sean is the one you say you like if you want to appear to be Bond connoisseur. But come on now, how can anyone say Sean is the best? Have you watched any of his Bond movies?

 

Vanessa: Yes, I’ve seen all of them.

 

Craig: And they almost put you to sleep, didn’t they?

 

Vanessa: Yeah huh.

 

Craig: Exactly! Sean Connery’s portrayal of Bond was so bleeding boring. His movies were slow moving and dragged, plus his Scottish accent is all wrong for Bond. I’ll tell you right now, the best Bond of all was Roger Moore and I’m not saying that just because he died recently.

 

Vanessa: I agree, but why Roger? After all he was kind of the sleeziest Bond. The one who did the most womanising and treating them like sex objects.

 

Craig: Sir Roger certainly did the most rogering as James Bond didn’t he? Ha ha ha. He rogered more than the rest of us. But he was just so smooth. Had such a great debonair way about him and of course had that eyebrow lift. He was definitely the most entertaining of them all. His movies were action packed and had plenty of laughs. Unlike my movies, which are so depressing it’s unreal.

 

Vanessa: Well they certainly are very dark. Your Bond lacks any sense of human decency.

 

Craig: Which is more like the Bond in the novels. I was trying to portray that Bond, but there’s no doubts about it, Moore’s Bond was way more likeable. He had better villains too like Jaws for instance. These days the Bond franchise has become way too serious.

 

Vanessa: There is one other Bond who is often considered better than Roger though. Pierce Brosnan. Where do you rank him in relation to Roger?

 

Craig: Pfffftttt! Brosnan? Puuuleeeeeease. Ok, Brosnan was great… I mean he was way better than me, that’s for sure, even better than Connery, but he’s nowhere in the league of the king of Rogering, Mr Moore. We sure got the humour and the debonair character which is synonymous with Bond, but let’s face it, he was chosen because he was so similar to Moore. He was the perfect replacement for Moore and would have been in that role earlier if it wasn’t for his Remington Steele contract. By rights, we should never have seen Dalton, it should have been Brosnan instead, but let’s face it, Brosnan’s only ranked so highly because he was a Roger Moore clone.

 

Vanessa: Should I mention George Lazenby?

 

Craig: Snort! They guy never got a chance really did he? But he doesn’t even register. I’ll tell you who I thought should have been given a chance when Brosnan couldn’t.

 

Vanessa: I’m keen to know.

 

Craig: He was actually considered at one point. Remember the TV show the Professionals?

 

Vanessa: I love that show.

 

Craig: Lewis Collins! RIP. He was the man! He played a debonair character on the Professionals, but at the same time he was bad ass. That was the type of guy we needed to see take over from Roger Moore, but unfortunately it never happened. In fact, he actually auditioned at the same time as Moore. His audition was deemed too aggressive. He was ahead of his time. Now if he’d been in his prime, auditioning against me there’s no way they would have picked me. Collins would have been the one. HE would be the one you were seeing in Quantum of Solace and Skyfall and the others.  If he’d taken over from say Sir Roger, he would have been up there listed as the 2^nd greatest Bond of all time… after Sir Roger of course… if every Bond fan had taste that is. But no, some are even insisting I’m the greatest Bond of all time. Pulleeeease. I may portray a character closer to what Ian Fleming intended, but please don’t kid yourself that my Bond was best. That honour goes to Sir Roger Moore and if you try to say anything else, then you’re an idiot. As simple as that. Moore was the best. His movies were the most entertaining, the most exciting, had the best villains and the most laughs.

 

Vanessa: I agree. And there we shall leave it. Thank you very much Daniel

 

Craig: No problems. Are you sure you don't want me to tell you my plans when it comes to the Bond franchise?

 

Vanessa: Nuh uh.

 

Craig: Ok then. May Sir Roger Moore rest in peace. 

 

Our new roving reporter Wal (Will Ullman) reports on one of UBBA Magazine's headlines...

 

Welcome to New Zealand newest luxury hotel! 

 

When I found out New Zealand, had opened a brand new hotel, with all the bells and whistles I knew I just had to book a few night’s stay. The problem is when I rang and asked to make a booking they informed me that the only way I could get accommodation there was through the endorsement of a bloody high court judge! That’s right! This hotel is so elite that you can’t just book a room. You have to go to court and petition a bloody judge to let you stay there! 

 

So I figured, ok, well I’m a journalist for UBBA Magazine, so I’m just gonna have to go through the motions, so I tracked down one of these judges and threatened to punch his lights out if he didn’t reserve me a room. He refused so I had to clobber him one. Soon after I got my court case and was awarded a month’s stay at the hotel!  Woohoo! One whole month! 

 

Boy, I have to say it is one swanky hotel. Everything sparkling and new. Underfloor heating, comfortable beds, multiple streaming services in every room. My room was awesome. It even had an adjoining en-suite with spa bath.

  

  

Now with most hotels you have to pay for meals, but all meals are provided here… I guess in the cost of my overall stay, which would you believe the tax payer pays for? That’s right! I didn’t have to pay a cent. All you hard working buggers out there are the ones that footed the bill for my hotel stay. Fan-bloody-stastic! And the bloody food is divine, I tell you. They have trained chefs cooking it all up and when it’s their day off we get things like KFC and Burger King brought in for us. We don’t even have to leave the bloody hotel! It’s awesome!

 

What about activities you ask? After all there is no beach. But hey, like that old Wham song says (RIP George me old pal)… you know the one… Club Tropicana. “All that’s missing is the seeeeea…. But don’t worry, you can sun tannnnnnn!” It’s like that it this hotel man. Swimming pool, deck chairs, tennis courts… even a bloody bar, although they have a no-alcohol policy there so it’s only mocktails. But if you want alcohol and any other under the table type of things, you can easily track down someone who can get the stuff for you. All you need to do is ask around the other guests.

 

The staff there are great too. We had security guards there looking out for our wellbeing. They’re all over the bloody place! Concierges make sure we have everything we need and that we have fresh linen and all that. They don’t even require tipping! In fact tipping them is frowned upon, so I’ve heard. They will happily take money though and get you things that aren’t included in the room rates. Some of them will anyway.

 

I have to say, I was bloody disappointed when my month was up, although there was one thing I missed and that was the company of a good women. All the women were lodging in a different part of the bloody hotel. Not sure why that was, but I guess you can’t have everything.

 

So if you’re ever looking for a hotel to stay at you can’t go past this one. The Te Arawa Correctional Facility. If we were giving it stars, this one would be 6 star! 

 

Winter! How dare you intrude on our lives!

by Vanessa Dante

 

 

It’s now winter here in New Zealand and each winter I tend to notice a few things.

 

Colds. Of course we get a few more of these. My mother always used to tell me “Don’t go outside in bare feet or you will get a cold”, “Put on a jersey or you will get a cold”. Of course I used to take her advice back then, but now I wish I could go back in time and remind my mother of a very important fact. Colds are caused by GERMS! Not coldness!  I mean it’s pretty obvious right? Yet we still insist on believing that guff. Even now we humans still don’t seem to have gotten the message. Being cold does not give you colds.

 

Speaking of the cold. When you have a jacket on inside, you often get asked “Are you cold?” I can never understand why someone would ask you that if you’re wearing a jacket inside.  

 

“Vanessa, are you cold?’

“Ummm no.”

“Then why are you wearing a jacket?”

“Duh! To keep warm, dummy.”

 

I mean seriously, those have to be a couple of the silliest questions ever asked. Why would you think I was cold when I’m wearing a freaking jacket?

 

What annoys me about winter is people who are annoyed by winter. People who constantly complain about how cold it is and that it’s always raining. The funny thing is, that the people who complain the most are the ones who spent most of their summer inside watching TV. What, are we to believe that now, in winter, they want to get outdoors?

 

Apart from that, I’m fine with winter. If I’m cold, I’ll just cuddle up more often with my darling. If it rains, I’ll just soak in a hot spa and let the cold rain fall down on my face. I just make allowances for that kind of stuff, and as far as I’m concerned, it’s easier to keep warm than it is to keep cool. 

 

Winter. I don’t have a problem with you. You are ok by me. 

 

                                 Directed by GOLDUST 

 

Catch the latest WWE blockbuster movie starring former Pro Wrestler Hulk Hogan! He plays golf caddy; Rip Stroker, who has aspirations to become a golfing pro and who hires a drunken former golfing star: Edward Sparrow (Johnny Depp) to coach him.

 

Also starring President Donald Trump as, the ruthless real estate mogul with bad hair, who wishes to turn the town golf course into a theme park

 

And Charlie Sheen as the arrogant and womanising Wolf Woods, the number one golfer in the world.

 

And Betty White as Bella Poledancer, the girlfriend of Wolf Woods, who decides that Rip is the man she really wants.

 

Coming soon at your local cinema!

 

In this edition of UBBA Magazine we learn about education on this apparent backwards running planet.

 

As mentioned, in previous editions, young Threrrians do not go to school. They have an innate ability to learn from birth. However there are opportunities to learn special skills and as such special facilities are set up called Nihzirps

 

A Nihzirp is an institution where people are sent for various lengths of time to learn about performing charitable acts. Some Threrrians are willing to dedicate their lives to training, much like a monk may choose to dedicate his life to charitable acts within an Earth monastery. They remain in the environment of a nihzirp until they have completed their training. Some even return time and time again for refresher courses and seem to enjoy spending many years in nihzirps.

Time spent training can vary depending on the type of charitable acts one may wish to perform. Some people are sent there for many years, while others are there for a matter of months. Some are even born into nihzirps, seemingly primed from a very early age to do good works, just like a child on Earth may grow up in a religious commune, trained to serve others.

Nihzirps are high security environments and only other students are allowed inside. Supervisors are posted to keep order and will encourage, in fact even influence other students to practise their kind deeds on each other. Supervisors are also willing to give donations of money to assist a student, particularly if that student is willing to give up special privileges.

 There are sometimes over eager students, who after having been escorted out of a nihzirp, will go to elaborate lengths to get back in. They will tunnel in or use any other method they can to become a student there once again. Occasionally new students will try to break in and immerse themselves into prison life, but the supervisors, strangely enough, seem to allow this.   

 

Sociologist – John Webber comments:

Nihzirps appear to be very popular places due to the fact that anyone staying there lives in an extremely comfortable environment, having all their needs met. There is no doubt that the Threrrian people have made these places appear attractive to potential students and it’s no wonder people come back time and time again to do courses.

 

Once you have completed your training, you are not just released into the community.

One final step must be taken first. You are stood before a type of court (very much like Earth courts) where you undergo your final test to prove you are qualified. This involves standing before a group of peers, where ironically, it is others that are acquainted with you, who are questioned about you as a person and what it is you intend to do, once qualified. Sometimes you yourself will take the stand and be bombarded with questions. If by the end, your peers are satisfied you are worthy, you will then be free to go to apply your new trade.

 

Sociologist – John Webber comments:

I see this as being a lot like a job interview, but with a larger panel of people. In is very appropriate that it be your peers that judge you worthy. People know the type of person you are, they’ve seen what you are capable of and what abilities you have and can look at you in an unbiased manner. Especially with charity, it is important that the right people are given the appropriate tasks and this method goes a long way to ensure that.

 

There are many types of charitable acts a trainee may work toward. Some will specialise in particular tasks, while others will train for more general duties

 

Courses available in Nihzirps:

 

Fire Fighting (Nissrah):

Many people will undergo training so that they can become volunteer fire fighters. These people will then search around for fires that they can put out. Unlike normal fire fighters, they do not use water or fire engines. They wait until they witness a case of arson and then go into the building a short while later and extinguish the fire at its source. To us on Earth this would seem like a very dangerous exercise, but Fire Fighters are trained to use some remarkable equipment.

One such piece of equipment is called a mob. These devices suck in debris or flammable gases, thus putting the fire out immediately. Mobs are also remarkable in that they are able to give life to any Threrrian that may have died in the blaze.

More often than not though, a Threrrian will have access to some other remarkable devices that can reduce fires in minutes and extinguish them completely. These devices are small enough to fit in your pocket and can take the shape of small pieces of wood or plastic handheld devices. How such simple looking devices can extinguish fires is still a mystery to us. The plastic device seems to hold some kind of liquid that kills the flame. The wooden device seems to suck flames into, completely extinguishing the blaze.

 

Generosity: (Eeribbor)

Depending on how much giving you wish to do and how much money you intend to invest in this form of charity will depend on how long a course you may take. Once you have completed the course and been released into society, your charitable acts may take on many different forms:

·         Sneaking into people houses and places of work and leaving gifts (like Santa Claus may do, but generally leaving items that are worth a lot more). Some people may choose to enter the house of a family who has nothing and fully furnish it for them!

·         Going into buildings containing such people as buyers and giving them money. Very often they will force people to put money into their cash registers. No doubt it is their intention that those lucky people will in turn spread the wealth to others, as they normally do on Threr.

·         Giving people money in the streets. It is common for a newly trained Eeribborer to seek out people in dark alleys or other quiet locations just to give some lucky person some cash. Some Yerbbors who have also trained in Errdurm will assist in giving of life to people and then offer them large sums of cash to start out their life with.

 

Healing (Taulsa)

Many people who train in nihzirp will take courses in Healing. Once qualified they will then seek out people who are injured ie. Beaten, bruised and bleeding, then heal them. Their methods are truly amazing. What may look violent acts to us, brings healing on those their skills are used on. Fists, feet or even various instruments they may find lying around are used to strike their patients and bring healing.

 

 

Life Giving (Errdurm):

These are usually the longest courses available and can take many years, sometimes almost your entire life to complete. It also depends on what part of Threr you are from. Some places require only a few years training, while others a lot longer. Once you have obtained your qualification you are then qualified to head out and create life wherever you can find it.

Just like on Earth there are those who are outstanding in their field. Some such famous names who have trained in nihzirps who have been extremely successful in Errdurm are Nosnam Selrahc and Niessuh Maddas.

Generally though, Errdurm is a skill people are normally gifted from birth with and who make a name for themselves very early on in life, without any formal training. Such famous names are: Reltih Floda, Nima Idi and Nilats Fesoj 

 

Repairing (Mzilidnav):

Those who want to do mankind a service by doing major repair work will take this course. They will then go out and do their best

  

One thing that some Threrrians love to do is go around and fix things that need repairing. For some it appears to be a badge of honor to be able to go around doing such deeds. Some will search the cities looking for graffiti that they can remove using special devices called Nack Aysprs which dissolve paint straight off walls. Others will go around attempting to fix broken mail boxes, repair broken windows, undent cars and much much more.

 

 

There are many other courses available in nihzirps, some of which may seem bizarre and even disturbing to us, but nonetheless, they are very popular with Threrrians.

 

Sadly, so many of the people who dedicate so much of their lives to their crafts, soon become disillusioned with their tasks and finally stop what they are doing. Perhaps it is because they get very little accolades or thanks for what they do. Threrrians are generally very ungrateful for the charities that are bestowed upon them. People who make so much effort in doing good for others are quickly forgotten.

 

Disclaimer: UBBA Magazine in no way endorses the comments made by Pastor Jake in this commentary.

 

Women – lower than men!

 

I know, I know, there are going to be many female readers out there who are going to be OUTRAGED by the subject of my sermon this month. But TOUGH! God has told me himself that this topic needs to be addressed because there are way too many women out there thinking they can be in positions of leadership over men. Thinking that they are equal to us! Well that is not true, my brothers and sisters. Paul himself, the founder of Christianity, states quite plainly in his letters (eg 1 Cor 8-9, 11:13, 14:340-35 1 Tim 2:11-14, Eph 5:22-24) that they should be submissive to their husbands. That they should never teach over men. They should be seen and not heard. That their place is in the KITCHEN!  Ok, the bible doesn’t say that last part but it would it if were written today.  

 

The bible shows us all throughout the old testament that women are the possessions of men. They they can be traded and sold in marriage…that they can be taken as sex slaves, that they can be handed over to appease raging mobs (see the story of Lot). They are there only to serve man, my brothers and sisters! HALLELUJAH! What a wonderful god we serve that he has prepared mates for us… mates to cook, clean and provide us with good loving. That is their job brothers and sisters! PRAISE THE LORD! 

 

As we can see with Eve, she was provided to Adam for his sexual gratification. She then showed her evil by tempting him and leading him into sin. That is why, my brothers and sisters, women must be kept in their place. They are EVIL! They are temptresses! The only good ones are the ones who Jesus has saved and who remain subjective to the men in their lives and remain in that kitchen, cooking and cleaning. THAT, my brothers and sisters is what a true Christian woman should do!

 

Oh my brothers and sisters, read your bible! Quit trying to make excuses! The bible is clear about all these things. God intended that women should be lower than man. Just look how many of the book in the bible revolve around women. 2 out of 66!  And one of them was sold to a man along with a lot of other property! Note the 12 chosen apostles. Not even ONE woman! Clearly Jesus did not believe women had what it takes to be part of his chosen 12. Even Judas Iscariot was chosen ahead of females!

 

Just look at the nameless women in the bible. Here is a link. Notice how many of them are women!

 

List of names for the biblical nameless

 

There are around 2000 names written in the bible. Only 188 (10% of them are women!)

 

Girls (188)

 

Males (1792)

 

 Simply read 1^st Chronicles! A genealogy… but how often are women even mentioned? It's all about the sons and fathers. SOME wives mentioned...some concubines (sex-slaves) mentioned... no daughters mentioned... oh wait there is one. She was given away to somebody apparently (1st Chr 2:35).  The occasional daughter is mentioned, but there surely must have been way way more. Many more wives and many more daughters. But they are just not mentioned even there!

Surely the reason is obvious, my brothers and my sisters! Women are just not that important to god. Not as important as men anyway. As much as we may detest it, it is the way God ordained it and who are we to question him? We may not understand it, but we must accept it. HALLELUJAH!

 

LETTERS

 

 

Dear Pastor Jake

Hi, it’s me the emissary for Pylism… that’s what I’m calling myself anyway. I had to give myself a cool name of some kind, something that elevates me above everyone else, like Brian Tamaki did. I have been applying a lot of your advice when it comes to creating my own religion. However it’s so full of religious rituals now, people are complaining, saying it’s just like most other religions and that it’s so full of mumbo jumbo and silly rites and stuff. How can I make my religion stand out from all the others as something special?

Tucker (The Emissary) Pyles – UBBA Magazine columnist and religious icon

 

Dear Tucker

The problem is that all religions are much the same whether we like it admit it or not. Even those that think they’re exclusive. The only people that are really special are the ones that belong to my particular brand of Christianity. We are the true Christians the ones that truly connect with the lord Jesus Christ.  My advice to you, Tucker is to let the people know that your religion is not so much a religion, but a RELATIONSHIP with God. That will make your people feel that their religious rituals and rites are something special and not just plain old religion mumbo jumbo like every other religion. Even though they may continue to practice these rituals religiously (eg prayer, readings, baptisms, food and drink rituals), they can still say “Pylism is not a religion! It’s a relationship with Tucker Pyles!” They can feel good about it. Nobody outside of Pylism will take them seriously, but they will believe it and insist upon it. That’s all that matters. It’s a sure way to make your people feel as though they are elite.

 

 

Dear Pastor Jake

I’m a huge fan. I have been to some of your crusades and amazed at just how you will stand up and tell it like it is. You won’t try to sweep the nasty stuff in the bible under the rug. You won’t make excuses for the evil of God and the absurdities of the bible. If only more Christians were as honest about you when it comes to God and the bible. One thing I disagree with you on though and it’s something you say a lot… that Paul is the founder of Christianity. No no no, JESUS is the founder of Christianity!

Neville Jones

 

Dear Naïve Jones

It’s just not possible that Jesus is the founder of Christianity. He was never a Christian. He was a Jew. He was the KING of the Jews.  I mean how silly would it be for Jesus to worship himself, huh? Dying for himself? Saving himself? Jesus is not that narcissistic. Jesus taught from the old testament… he never had the New! It is the likes of the disciples who started out Christianity, but it was clearly Paul who conjured up the basics.  He elaborated on Jesus’s teachings and he put his own spin on much of it.  It is Paul’s letters to his churches which form the basis of most sermons preached and most bible studies conducted. One could argue we should not even call ourselves Christians. We should call ourselves Paulians. Indeed, most churches ARE Paulian.

 

 

Dear Pastor Jake

I really need to know, what bible is the most accurate translation of the original biblical texts? It seems no one can agree. In fact I am continually bombarded with my fellow Christians attempting to retranslate the words in my bible. They like to go back to the original words and reinterpret them and then turn the passage into something completely different to what it says in my bible! Surely there is at least one professional translator that has translated the bible correctly?

Wendy Myers

 

Dear Windy

The original texts just cannot be translated accurately. This is how the lord our god intended it. His words are magical. They can only truly be interpreted through the holy spirit. Without the holy spirit you cannot possibly get the correct interpretation no matter how well you know the original languages. The thing is the English texts could be translated into anything you like. Every word in the bible could read as “babble”. Babble, babble, babble, babble, babble, babble, babble… Just reading it in English is not going to get you the truth! Only the holy spirit can translate it into the correct words. Be thankful, Windy. At least when one of those scummy atheists tries to point out a flaw in the bible, you can simply tell him he just doesn’t understand it because he doesn’t have the holy spirit interpreter like you do! PRAISE THE LORD! 

 

 

Disclaimer: UBBA Magazine in no way endorse the methods recommended by Aunty Lil

 

School these days are useless. They were always undoing the hard work I was trying to do teaching my children. I would be teaching my five year old basic logarithmic equations and what would they be doing? Teaching them bloody basic addition! It’s no wonder I couldn’t get them to understand the harder stuff. The teachers were tainting their minds with the stuff that a kid should know right from the womb!

 

As you can guess my topic for this week is teaching children Mathematics.

 

One of the sure fire ways to teach a kid how to count properly is with edible treats. At least that’s the way I did it with Tucker when he was two years old. I’d sit him down with a pile of sweets (Usually nonpareils) and I’d place a pile in front of him and tell him to count them. If he got it wrong, I got to eat the pile of lollies. As you can well guess, Tucker never got to eat any until he was around 12 years old when he completely fluked it by counting the right number of nonpareils on the table. 12566! After that he started to get it right every time. I had to stop supplying sweets and pile up non-edibles instead, otherwise it would have crushed the shopping budget. My technique worked though, didn’t it?

 

Another fool proof way to help your child learn maths is to penalize them for the amount of numbers out they are with their answer. For instance, if I gave Tucker the problem of 196732 divided by 53  and he gave me the answer 3600 instead of 3711.92, then he would have to spend 112 minutes tied to a chair. forced to watch English soap operas on TV. Boy he hated that. Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

 

Going shopping is a good way to teach them maths, especially once they start earning their own money. When Tucker got his first job, I’d take him into town with me. I’d get him to work out the total amount of dollars it would cost me to buy stuff. Particularly when there were discounts. If he got the answer wrong, he’d be forced to pay for the merchandise!

 

I got myself a lot of nice dresses thanks to Tucker’s lack of basic Maths skills!

 

Times Tables was something Tucker never got the hang of. Which was surprising considering the technique I used. A ruler slap across the back of hand for each one he got wrong. Even the 2 times tables he couldn’t quite get. His hands were always bright red after doing his times tables homework. In the end I came to the realization that the sod was just lazy and didn’t want to learn his times tables. So I brought him a calculator instead… which worked out fine because that’s how people do maths these days anyway. So as you can see, if you are smart parent there’s always ways you can work around even those techniques that don’t pay dividends! So all you lazy parents there have a fool proof plan too if you want to teach your brats how do do maths. Give them a bloody calculator! They’ll never have to work out that stuff manually in the workforce.

 

You heard it from me! Aunty Lil. I bet you’ll never hear such great advice as that ever again. 

 

Next month we talk about teaching your juvenile delinquent science.

 

Disclaimer: UBBA Magazine advises you not to take Uncle Tuck's advice... unless you are a moron, in which case the world would be better off without you.

 

Hi everyone! Welcome to my self-help column. Unlike my predecessor, it’s my intention to make everyone feel welcome and give them confidence that they are dealing with an actual professional problem solver, which is why I choose do to a personal introduction each month.

 

I know you readers just can’t get enough of my genius and want to learn more about me. Read more about what I have to say. If UBBA Magazine were truly smart, they would let me write every single column in this magazine. Can you imagine just how much more amazing UBBA would be if I were the sole contributor?

 

The only thing that really bugs me is the disclaimer that editors put on my column last month, but you can look at the letters from the editor as I… I mean some very concerned reader has already voiced their disapproval about the very offensive insult that is that disclaimer. I am confident that it will not be included in this month’s edition.

 

But anyway… onto other people’s problems….

 

Dear Uncle Tuck

You are such an amazing problem solver that I just had to write in and tell you that. I think you are one ubbery guy. In fact I am so amazed by your problem solving abilities that I just walk around in a daze all day long, flabbergasted. I just can’t get your column out of my head. I’m worried that if I can’t get over how amazing your column is I am never going to be able to live a normal life. What do I do?

Gobsmacked

 

Reply

I hate to say it, Tucker, but there are people like that everywhere I go. They just can’t get over how amazing I am. It is a real big problem because no one can possibly concentrate when all they can do is daydream about yours truly and his pure genius. I’m afraid the only thing you can possibly do is just stop reading UBBA Magazine and go hibernate away in Alaska or some such place and surround yourself with rednecks. That’s the only solution I can think of that doesn’t involve ending your life.

 

Dear Uncle Tuck

Hi, it’s me, the guy who used to wear paper bags over his head to attract women. I just can’t believe that Wal would do what he did to me, giving me bad advice that only caused me even more problems. I can’t believe I was stupid enough to take his advice and wear paper bags over my head. I realise now what a gullible twit I was. Instead I have taken your advice, Uncle Tuck and taken to wearing a mask instead. I couldn’t find a hockey mask, but I found a Groucho Marx mask instead. I’ve heard he was a real scary horror character from the early 20^th century. The only problem is that wherever I go people smile at me instead of run from me. I just don’t get it. Didn’t I get a scary enough mask? But anyway, at least I’m not being challenged any more.  A bigger problem now, is that the police… who I am still on the run from… have been reading UBBA Magazine and your problem column, so know what I am up to. They have even put out an APB for a guy wearing paper bags over his head and now maybe a hockey mask. Of course once they read this letter in your column, they will know that I’ve been wearing a Groucho Marx mask instead. It means I will have to change my disguise yet again. Perhaps you could do me a favour and not publish this particular letter in your magazine? Simply send me advice via e-mail on which mask I should wear now. Preferably one that is as least suspicious as possible.

Still on the run

 

Reply

Mmmmm. A mask that will allow you to move around without suspicion. A baby mask! That’s the ticket. Nobody would ever be suspicious of a baby would they? Try that.

PS I will be sure to send this message to you via email.

  

 

Dear Uncle Tuck

I am wanting to throw a dinner party but don’t want to have to do all the cooking myself. I thought of making it potluck, but what if everybody brings the same thing? I don’t want to just have an entire dinner of sausage rolls or green salads. I figured, you being a cooking expert might be able to give me some advice.

Party Guy

 

Reply

I am no longer doing my cooking column with UBBA Magazine, but will happily give you advice on this one. Do as I do and tell my guests to bring multiple dishes. Say 10 mains and 5 desserts each. That way you will be sure to get a good variety and an adequate feed.

 

  

Dear Uncle Tuck

I always find myself having to solve people’s problems for them. Don’t get me wrong, I like to be able to help people, but I just get people’s sob stories day after day and they expect me to give them advice. What can I do to relieve the pressure of all these people who require my wisdom and knowledge

Tired

 

Reply

I know that problem. I mean just look at my column. All I get is morons asking me to help them with their problems. Problems that a little thought could solve. Really, the best piece of advice I can possibly give you is just don’t give advice. You can’t possibly help everyone. Quit telling people how to solve their problems and maybe they’ll work out their solutions for themselves. That’s what I would do.

  

Dear Uncle Tuck

I am at school and have always done what my mum has told me to do when I’m being teased and that’s go and tell the teacher. Now they tease me for being a tell-tale-tit all the time. What shall I do?

Ridiculed

 

Reply 

How dare they? They are pretty much accusing you of being a rat. A nark. Like, I was at school, I hated it when a kid I was bullying ratted on me to the teachers. It just made me so mad. But don’t let them get away with hassling you over it. Go report them to the principal right away.

 

This month's special HONEST Harriscopes

 

Brought to you by Mad Dave Harris

 

 

 

PISCES

Some silly nonsense that sounds good but really tells you nothing at all.

 

AQUARIUS

A truly fantastic Harriscope for you because Aquarians are the best! I should know, I am one!

CANCER

A prediction of a vague event that is bound to come true no matter what your sign is or who you are.

 

TAURUS

An observation about you that is probably true for most people in the world no matter what their sign.

 

SAGGITTARIUS

Some nonsense about the moon over Jupiter and the movement of Venus into your cycle, just to make it sound as though your Harriscope is authentic.

 

VIRGO

A piece of advice to get you to do something that is going to have no real big impact on anything.

 

CAPRICORN

A promise of a great future if you send cash donations into Mad Dave’s Harriscopes.

 

AERIES

A piece of advice that is good no matter what star you are and in what situation you are in.

 

GEMINI

A possibility of two outcomes. 1) A situation that could occur, 2) A situation that will definitely occur if it’s not outcome 1.

 

LEO

Something truly terrible that is so bad it could only ever happen to a Leo, because… well because I can’t stand Leos. You should know that by now.

 

SCORPIO
Something that’s completely wrong when it comes to you, which you will conveniently ignore. Yet you will still tune in next time for your Harriscope believing that they really work.

 

LIBRA

A slightly reworded version of a previous month’s Harriscope (for a different star sign), because I didn't have time to make up one for you this month.  

 

This month’s clip is from the Rex Cassidy Investigator Series of novelettes, “The Gruesome Murders at Manhattan High”. The RCI are going undercover into a New York high school as teachers, however Rex does not trust Tucker in the role of a teacher so gets him a job as a janitor instead. Nevertheless, Tucker is determined that he wants to be a Professor named after Star Trek Captain, Picard. (story includes teachers from the TV show Boston Public)

 

Tucker was completely cheesed off and it had nothing to do with the consumption of dairy products. It wasn’t so much that he’d spent the last two hours sweeping floors, it was more the fact that he’d screwed up during his official introduction at the morning staff meeting.

Tucker was to be introduced as Tucker Picard, but Tucker was determined he was not going to be known as simply the janitor. He was determined to be a professor, even if he wasn’t actually a teacher. He’d even come to school dressed in his black cloak and graduation cap.

‘Are you sure you work for the RCI?’ Scott Guber, the deputy head asked, as they made their way to the staffroom.’

‘Ummmm yeah!’ Tucker remembered what his fellow RCI often said about him when asked similar questions. ‘I’m the one that makes the crooks underestimate us,’ he said proudly. ‘When they see me on board, they think we’re a bunch of amateurs and then we take them by surprise.’ He couldn’t help but go on to embellish the facts a little. ‘And it also gives people a false sense of security thinking that I couldn’t possibly be a private dick, but I am. I’m a fantastic dick. In fact I’m the greatest dick of all times.’

‘I see. Well you seem to have had some major success so far, so who am I to argue?’

‘Exac-a-bloody-lutely!’

They entered the staffroom.

‘By the way, Mr Guber, I’d like to introduce myself if I may.’

‘Well… I guess so, although bear in mind you are only just a janitor.’

Tucker decided it was time to get into character, so adjusted his voice to a toffee nosed English accent. ‘Just a janitor? There is so much to being a janitor. Without the janitor this school would not function nearly so effectively.’

‘I dare say you’re right…’

Many staff filled the room and they quietened down once Tucker and Guber entered. They all delivered Tucker strange looks.

‘Err…’ Guber said.

‘Good morning everyone,’ Tucker took over. ‘My name is Professor Pie Cart…’ It was then that he realised he’d screwed up. He had been so irritated earlier, by fellow investigator, Pete, insisting on calling him Pie Cart, that he’d gone and used it himself. This was awful, because he knew full well that once he’d given his name he couldn’t suddenly change it at the last moment or he’d likely blow his cover. Now he was stuck with a stupid name he didn’t want.’

‘Ummm.’ Guber said. ‘Mr Piecart…’

‘Professor Piecart.’

‘Err… Professor Piecart is our new janitor.’

‘Janitor?’ said one of the staff, a very attractive blonde woman. ‘You’re a professor and you’re being employed as a janitor?’

‘That is correct… may I ask your name, young lady?’

A few people snickered.

‘I’m Ronnie Cook and I teach English here. I take it you’re not really a professor, otherwise you’d be teaching.’

‘I am indeed a real professor.’

‘You’re way too young,’ said another black African woman, this one rather overweight. ‘And you definitely wouldn’t be here as a janitor if you were.’

A rather old looking man spoke up, ‘I’d say it’s more likely he’s a nut that just got released from the psychiatric hospital.’.

Many of the teachers muttered in agreement.

Tucker stood staunch and put on a frown. He continued to remain in character. ‘I’ve never been so insulted in all my life. What are your names?’

‘I’m Marla Hendricks,’ said the big negro woman.

‘And I’m Harvey Lipschultz,’ said the elderly teacher. ‘And you’re no professor.’

Tucker scolded him, ‘I would watch what I say young man. You would not want to be put on detention now, would you?’

Lipschultz stared at him in disbelief. ‘This is some kind of a joke isn’t it, Guber?’

Guber sighed. ‘Mr Piecart is having you on, he’s not really a professor. He’s our new janitor, so I hope you’ll make him feel welcome and offer him every courtesy that you can.’

Tucker was about to protest, but Guber took him by the arm. ‘Introductions are done. How about I show you to the Janitor’s office and you can get to work.’

‘I have my own office?’

‘Well it’s more of a utility room really, but there is a desk and comfy chairs.’

Seconds later Tucker walked along a long corridor with Guber taking the lead.

Guber spoke again, ‘Are you sure this is wise acting this way, especially in front of the staff?  None of them will take you seriously, you know. And I thought you said you were going to use the name Picard?’

‘Ummm. I was but… but I liked Piecart better.’

‘Mmmmm, all right. I guess you put on this act so that people will think you are a joke, right? That way they will be so convinced you’re a bumbling ass they’ll slip up and give themselves away.’

Tucker didn’t much like being compared to a bumbling ass, but decided it best to go along with his charade. ‘Indeed. Now you are beginning to understand my genius.’

 

Tucker had been on the job two days now. He had attempted to talk to a few students and staff but none of them had anything interesting to say. He tried to get them talking about the murders and although some did, none of them knew anything.

Tucker put down his broom with a deep sigh. Wal had started the day before and Rex was due to start that day. Tucker decided that Wal had been given enough chance to settle in so made his way to the sports block to see if he could track him down.

‘Hey, there’s that fat moron janitor,’ A boy called out. ‘The one who thinks he’s a professor.’

‘Oye, you!’ Tucker growled. ‘You’d better watch what you say to me or you’ll be on detention.’

‘Yeah, whatever, you fat moron!’

Tucker had been putting up with that kind of verbal abuse for the last two days. He was beginning to regret insisting that he be involved in this undercover operation.  He found Wal overseeing some training out on the sports field.

‘Yo, Tucker,’ Wal said. ‘How’s it going?’

‘Not very ubbery. I’ve just been doing one boring job after the other.’

‘Well I was chatting up that English teacher Ronnie Cook this morning. Whorrrrrrr! She’s freaking hot. Knowing our luck, it’ll be Rex that gets to work with her. Lucky bastard. Why does he always get all the luck?  There are two female PE teachers here but one’s a middle aged woman and the other looks like a lesbo… and not in the hot sexy way like Vanessa, but in the ugly butch kind of way like you in a dress.’

‘I don’t wear dresses.’

‘Yeah, but you’re wearing that stupid black cloak, which looks like a dress from behind.’

‘How do you know have you been eying up my butt?’ Tucker scowled.

Wal’s face turned sour. ‘You better watch it! Just because I’m a teacher doesn’t mean I ‘m not going to whip your ass!’

Tucker quickly backed down. There was no way he was going to cross Wal, because if Wal made a threat he always went through with it. ‘So have you found out anything?’

‘Nah…’ Wal said. ‘Hagan… the guy who’s currently in charge of the PE department due to the murder of the previous one seems an ok guy. Haven’t had any issues with him. But there’s a real asswipe called Hutch who thinks he’s God’s gift…’

Tucker felt like asking “Like you?” but dared not.

 

‘The prick thinks he can order me about and give me all the dirty jobs to do just because I’m the new kid on the block. Well if he keeps up like that, I’ll smack him one. It’s not like Harper’s going to fire me, not while the RCI are on the job. Ahh, shit, here comes the bugger now.’

 

If you wish to read this story in its entirety it can be downloaded in different file formats at Smashwords:

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/676879

 

 

Disclaimer: All articles in this magazine are the views of the authors and none of it is to be taken seriously. Interviews are purely fictional and letters are not written by the assigned people.

 

All writings copyrighted, UBBA Magazine 2017