Edition 14 - September 2017

 

Hi everyone, glad you could join us for edition 14 of UBBA Magazine. We are still going strong and always trying to come up with new ideas so as things don’t get too stale. Let us know if you have any suggestions. Also remember we are happy to include material from freelance writers. Just contact the admin of this website through the contacts page.

 

Last edition, you will remember Mad Dave gave us honest versions of horoscopes, but we had several letters complaining that even though he was honest, he never actually gave anyone a real Harriscope. So this month Dave is going to take those Harriscopes from last month and give you his divine translations this month.

 

This month, my beautiful wife, Vanessa will be conducting our celebrity interview. You thought it was amazing when she got to interview one fictional character… God! Well this month, she gets to interview an even greater character from the world of fantasy… although this one seems a lot more real, I’m sure you will agree. In fact, this guy seems so real it’s hard to believe he’s just a Muppet…. Which is more than we can say for the man upstairs… and his compadre Satan. That’s right, this month Vanessa gets to interview her most admired and respected guest yet… Kermit the Frog! 

 

I know you’re all keen to hear about the wisdom of Kermit the Frog and all about his plans to become the future president of the USA. So let’s get on with proceedings, shall we?

 

Rex Cassidy

 

 

 

 

 

I wish to complain about one of the headlines appearing on the cover of UBBA Magazine this month. I think it’s simply appalling that you would include it as one of the headlines. Haven’t you got anything better to report? Of course I haven’t actually seeeeen your cover yet as it was not due out when I wrote this letter, but by the time it is released, I’ve no doubt there will be at least one headline that will offend me.

Moana Crabtree (New Zealand)

 

 

I recently went to see the movie UBBA Magazine advertised a couple of months back: No Holes Parred. Hulk Hogan was absolutely terrible in the lead role and there were just way too many hardcore sex scenes involving Betty White. What on Earth were UBBA thinking, advertising such a disgusting movie? 

Malcolm McDowell (England)

 

{We can't comment as nobody on the UBBA staff has bothered to go and see the movie. Although after reading this letter, Tucker Pyles was keen to go and see it}

 

 

Last month on the cover of UBBA Magazine it mentioned a headline that you said we as the reader would ignore. Well I wish to make it quite clear to you that I did not ignore that headline.  This letter should show you that to be the case! So you were completely wrong. UBBA Magazine should feel ashamed that they published a headline that was so completely and blatantly untrue.

Matt Damon (USA)

 

{We are ignoring this letter}

 

 

You ubbheads! I wish to complain…

 

{Don’t publish any more of this letter. It’s that moron Tucker Pyles writing in again.}

 

 

Why must UBBA magazine insist on poking fun at the Royal Family? Is it because they are an easy target and one can get away with that in this day and age? One should consider themselves lucky that one isn’t living 200 years ago. Start mocking them in this way and all of you at UBBA would be beheaded in an instant! In fact, if I had my way I’d have you all beheaded even now. Especially that awful Tucker Pyles. He is appalling.

Liz Windsor (London)

 

{Reply from Tucker: “UUuuBBAAAA! Why me?”}

 

{Editor’s reply to Tucker: “Because you’re an ubbhead”}

 

 

Feel free to write in letters about your opinions about UBBA Magazine. We would love to hear from you.

 

If you have any regular articles you would like to add to UBBA Magazine please contact us. We are always on the look out for contributors and will give you credit where credit is due.

 

Simply contact the administrator of Recker’s World

 

 

Our resident roving reporter Wal (Will Ullman) reports on one of UBBA Magazine's headlines...

 

Childhood nursery rhymes -

The repulsive bloody truth!

 

When I was a kid, my mother taught me a lot of silly nursery rhymes. Some of them were blatantly sick… like Goosey Goosey Gander, for instance where an old man wouldn’t say his prayers so he got thrown down the stairs.  And like the woman who was highly abusive to her children who as well as whipping the crap out of them, forced them to live in a shoe. And Jack who fell down the hill and cracked his skull and splattering a whole lot of blood around that Jill had to pick up with her pail. Oh and the baby who falls from a shoddy cradle who some BLOODY incompetent parents built high in a bloody tree!

 

It was sickening to find out later in life that just about all of them had deep and dark meanings. Like the three blind mice represented some old codgers who were burnt at the stake for being protestant rather than catholic. Other apparently harmless ones were even more sick. Like See-Saw Margery Daw was about child slavery. Ring a Ring a Rosies was about people dying of the Black Death.

 

Well I decided to take a good look at some of the other nursery rhymes and try to figure out what they were really about. Get a load of these ones…

 

Twinkle Twinkle Little Star

Some morons complained about the Beatles and their song Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds being about LSD, but they must have overlooked this sick little nursery rhyme. Clearly this song is all about being high on drugs. Why else would anyone be gazing up at the stars and thinking “Twinkle twinkle little star, how I wonder what you are?” Oh there were twinkly stars alright, but they weren’t from the bloody sky, I can tell you that much!

 

Georgie Porgie

Here was some creepy little kid going around sexually harassing girls at school. Yeah! They really did turn this into a bloody nursery rhyme! Was this really some kid or was it some creepy pedophile? Clearly it had to be pedophile right? So when the other boys came out this creepy pedophile made a run for it.

 

Peter Peter Pumpkin Eater

Here was a serial bigamist who had multiple wives. Sheesh! Who the hell would want to put themselves through that misery? Anyway, one he kept imprisoned in a rundown old shack that resembled a pumpkin shell. The rhyme says he didn’t love any of his wives, so clearly he was just some sick twisted pervert.

 

Ride a Cock Horse to Banbury Cross

This children’s rhyme is so full of sexual innuendo I’m not even going to give it the time of day. In fact, some of it isn’t even disguised as innuendo. I mean come on… ride a cock horse? Huh? HUH?  

 

Wee Willy Winky

This was clearly a nursery rhyme about a streaker named Winky who had a little pecker and ran rampant at night wearing only a flimsy night gown. He was clearly a pervert

 

I don’t think I need to go on with this. One thing’s for sure, there’s no way anybody should be teaching their kiddies rhymes like these. They are just not appropriate and should be branded R18.  I recommend you teach them songs from bands like ACDC and Motorhead instead. 

 

 

 

 

Interviewer: Vanessa Dante

Interviewee: Kermit the Frog

 

 

Vanessa: My guest this week is probably the most awesome celebrity I’ve had a chance to interview yet. It’s Kermit the Frog!

 

Kermit: Hi there, Vanessa. It’s a pleasure to be here. Gonzo was begging me to bring him along to meet you, but I told him no. I didn’t want him doing any of his crazy stunts.

 

Vanessa: I would have loved to have met Gonzo.

 

Kermit: Yeah, well we at Muppet Studios tend to try to keep him in the background as much as possible. At least when we’re not doing a show.

 

Vanessa: Well hey, I’ve been a great fan of you all since I was a little kid. I’m so glad to get to interview you and am so glad that you have decided to run for President of the USA next time around. I’m sure you will do a better job than any of the past presidents. Any chance you might consider coming to New Zealand to run for Prime Minister? We had a pig in the 70s, so why not a frog in the 2010s?

 

Kermit: A pig? You had a pig? Tell me it wasn’t a relative of Miss Piggy.

 

Vanessa: His name was Rob Muldoon, but he was often referred to as Piggy Muldoon. At least that’s what my father tells me. But tell me, Kermit, I know that you have to be born an American to be president, which you are, but don’t you actually have to be human? Isn’t there something in the constitution that says no frogs? Or no animals?

 

Kermit: As it happens there is nothing at all that says a frog can’t be president. The fact I was born and bred in the USA and that I am over 35 years old means I qualify.

 

Vanessa: True. How old would you be now?

 

Kermit: I’m still a spring chicken… err I mean spring frog. I’m only 61 years old.

 

Vanessa: You look good for 61. That’s one thing that’s always amazed me about you muppets. You never seem to age.

 

Kermit: I use plenty of swamp slime to keep my complexion. Would you like me to recommend some?

 

Vanessa: Err no… in fact I use some very good skin care products myself. In fact, I model for a skin care company. So Kermit. What made you decide to run for president?

 

Kermit: Well all one has to do is look back on history to see that anyone can be president. An actor became president back in the 80s… Ronald Reagan. I’m an actor too. More recently we had our first black president, so why not our first green president?

 

Vanessa: Exactly!

 

Kermit: I mean if Donald Trump can be taken seriously, why not me? 

 

Vanessa: Agreed! Surely a frog would make a better president than the Don?

 

Kermit: You bet! And best of all I'm not going to try to grope you. 

 

Vanessa: Great! There is one thing that worries me though. When celebrities get into politics, their previous careers take a big nose dive. Look at Arnold Schwarzenegger for instance. He was starring in block buster action movies until he became governor of California. Now he’s just a doddery old man running around with machine guns. Jesse Ventura was top of his game as a Pro-Wrestling commentator until he became governor of Minnesota. Now he’s virtually forgotten in the wrestling world. And I don’t know if you’ve heard of the Australian rock group, Midnight Oil, but once lead singer Peter Garrett traded his politically charged rock anthems with ACTUAL politics, REAL Australian rock music died a natural death. So what will happen to the Muppet Show if you abandon it for politics?

 

Kermit: You don’t have to worry about that, Nessa, because the Muppet Show will always be my first love. I’ll do BOTH jobs. Running the Muppet Show as well as producing Muppet Movies AND doing my presidential duties. Unlike all those other presidents, I will be working around the clock. None of this travelling around the world, hanging out in 5 star resorts and messing around on with White House interns. If I get elected, I promise to always be on the job. No slacking off… unlike your fellow interviewer, Colin. I’ll either be running the country or keeping the likes of Crazy Harry and Animal under control. Oh and don’t forget Doctor Bunson Honeydew. You never know what crazy inventions he’s cooking up in the Muppet labs.

 

Vanessa: Speaking of the other muppets, will any of them be working with you on your campaigns? Will you be making any of them chief of staff or vice president?

 

Kermit: Of course! Miss Piggy herself has insisted on being vice president and who’s to argue with Miss Piggy?

 

Vanessa: No one with an ounce of common sense.

 

Kermit: Indeed. As for my Chief of Staff, well the obvious choice is Sam the Eagle, don’t you agree?

 

Vanessa: I agree completely. What about Fozzie? He’s gotta be in there somewhere.

 

Kermit: I was unaware that the President of the USA was meant to have his own court jester. I thought that was more for royalty.

 

Vanessa: Oh don’t be mean!

 

Kermit: I’m only kidding. Of course Fozzie will be involved. Despite his short comings we know that he will do as good a job as anyone who has come before. Whatever job that is we give him.

 

Vanessa: I’ve no doubts about that. This is sounding as though it will be fantastic. All the muppets in the White House running the good old US of A. I’ve no doubt that the country will be so much better off. Not to mention the rest of the world.

 

Kermit: And that’s what it’s all about. Making the US a better country. Making the world a better place. We want the rest of the world to take us seriously again. We want everybody to be able to relax on their lily pads knowing that their futures are in good hands.

 

Vanessa: Our readers will want to know, Kermit… what are your party’s main policies. Oh and what are you calling your party? The Muppet party?

 

Kermit: The Batrachian party.

 

Vanessa: Batrachian? What on Earth…?

 

Kermit: Google it. You’ll find us all over the Net. As for our policies, of course they are important things that we should all be worried about. I intend to ensure that all our waterways are cleared of pollution, so as to create better living conditions for all amphibians. I will also place embargos on countries like France until they cease with their inhumane practise of dining on frog’s legs. We may even decide to aid our snail brothers and sisters who are also victims of French oppression.

 

Vanessa: So far, I have to say those, although worthy policies, do seem to be a little self-serving.

 

Kermit: Never. I absolutely refuse to eat snails, no matter where they are served. 

 

Vanessa: Do any of your policies benefit non-amphibious creatures?

 

Kermit: Of course. One such policy, suggested to me by Fozzie, is to allow special parks set aside, especially for bears to do their business without being asked if they do their business there or not. Also special pedestrian crossings for chickens so that they can have safer places to cross the road… Gonzo suggested that one.

 

Vanessa: What about policies relating to more serious issues like crime, poverty and things like that?

 

Kermit: Under the Batrachians, all those things will be things of the past.

 

Vanessa: How do you intend to accomplish that?

 

Kermit: I don’t know yet, but I’m sure Dr Bunsen Honeydew will come up with some great invention that we can use. I promise you, we will overcome the odds. We can fix it, just like Bob the Builder can… and no we don’t intend to steal Obama’s 2008 campaign slogans.

 

Vanessa: I’m guessing all your policy promises you intend to keep? Unlike all the rest.

 

Kermit: I do! I will be the first politician ever to deliver on all campaign promises.

 

Vanessa: Well you haven’t let us down yet. Nevertheless, a lot of people are going to be very critical of a frog being the next president. Do you really think you can pull it off?

 

Kermit: Oh, the only criticism I’ve heard so far is from Statler and Waldorf, but we’ve learnt not to take them seriously. But really… you’ve seen the presidents we’ve had over the last 30-40 years. I mean just look at Donald Trump! Can you seriously tell me a muppet wouldn’t do a better job?

 

Vanessa: I have to admit, Kermy, you have a point there. A muppet WOULD do a better job. No doubts about that.

 

Kermit: Well there you go and here I am.

 

Vanessa: Well you have 4 years before you can get to prove yourself.  A long time to make an impression. Not that you haven’t already. I tell you, if I were an American you’d have my vote.

 

Kermit: Thank you!

  

Vanessa: And thank you for the interview…

 

 

 

Those darn fairies!                       by Vanessa Dante

 

With it being spring over here in New Zealand at the moment, the lawns, trees and shrubs are starting to sprout up. Before you know it, my lawns will be overgrown and chocka-block with dandelions. Those darn fairies that inhabit my garden won’t care. They will make no effort whatsoever to keep my lawns trim. It won’t matter to them that my yard looks a shambles. But yet they expect to live in it anyway, the ungrateful little critters.

 

Why is it they won’t water my plants? In the summer time I’m the one that has to go out and water them. If those damn fairies want to have plants to live amongst, why can’t they water them once in a while? Why leave all the work up to me? And then to add insult to injury they come along in autumn and start pulling leaves and petals off of them. I mean what kind of mean-spirited prank is that? What sort of thanks is that, huh?

 

The weeds are the worst. No matter how hard I try to keep my yard weed-free, no matter how many times I uproot the cursed things, they keep on growing back. Now you tell me, how does that happen? The answer is obvious. It’s those damn fairies again, planting new weeds just to irritate me. You know, they seem to sprout up overnight sometimes, so it’s the only logical explanation. Those fairies are trying to make my life miserable! 

 

On top of that they are always shitting on my garden furniture!  AND my car! HUMPH!!

 

They’re evil, that’s what they are. Mean, petty, vindictive little creatures. Simply because I don’t want them there and yell at them to go live in someone else’s garden, they’ve taken it on themselves to torment me and persecute me. They seem to want me to do all the yard work for them while they just mess it all up again. Well I’m not having it, nuh uh. I’m not going to be their gardener, I have better things to do. If they want to live in a tidy garden, they can darn well do their own work! After all, they have magic powers, they can darn well use them.

 

 

In this edition of UBBA Magazine we learn the history of the planet. It is truly bizarre.

 

            History is not popular among Threrrians. In fact, it is so unpopular that any documents, books or anything relating to past events are destroyed on a regular basis. And recycled to create new trees to aid in the reestablishment of forests. They also use brainwashing techniques as mentioned earlier to help to rid them of knowledge of the past. Because of this, it makes it very difficult to obtain any decent information about History. Some Historian’s work remains intact, including a man named Simahdatrson who seems to be revered by many Threrrians, but often it is not taken seriously by them and there are people who claim the events are inaccurate.

What is truly remarkable about Threr, when it comes to records, is that they tend to focus on future events. Books galore are written every day predicting events that are to come and with eerie accuracy. But as soon as those things do happen, the books about them are quickly destroyed, if they haven’t been already.

It is not only history books that are destroyed. Every day thousands, maybe millions of Threrrians are bringing books into their local bookstore to be recycled. Novels, encyclopaedias, manuals, textbooks etc. This is perhaps one of the reasons for the planet’s booming economy, the fact that the people of Threr are so keen on recycling no longer needed items.

 

Psychologist - Dr Kathleen Malcolm comments:

It is not uncommon for people on Earth to want to forget about past events. It seems that on Threr, it is even more so. They are a people who do not like to dwell on the past and always look forward to the future. The Threrrians have obviously trained their minds to block out past events at will. This is great if they have had traumatic experiences, but not so great when it comes to learning from past mistakes. But then again, even with our love of History on Earth, do we always learn from past mistakes.

 

Sociologist – John Webber replies:

I can perhaps understand why Threrrians may want to erase knowledge from their minds as they grow older, but the destruction of history books and other important literature must surely have a detrimental effect on society. Imagine all the crucial scientific knowledge and discoveries they are destroying. Furthermore, if you look at the predictions that are being made about the future, you see evidence of more primitive cultures and methods. This shows me a society that is regressing, which is what you would expect if important knowledge is being destroyed like this. I can’t help but wonder how much more advanced the Threrrian culture would be now, if they didn’t practise these methods. Where they more advanced in the past?

 

 

When asked of famous historical characters or events in Threr history, very few can be named at all and any that are, are spoken about in vague terms. However, Threrrians are very eager to talk of great Threrrians and events that are yet to come and write entire biographies and descriptions of these people and events. How they can predict with such accuracy and clarity is remarkable, but none the less, it is an ability they possess.

 

Famous names and events predicted for the future:

 

2071 – Last time Threr’s highest mountain will be climbed

Threr’s highest mountain is called Mt Stiriveh. It is known as a life giving mountain, due to the fact many babies are predicted to be born from it. However it is an amazing feat for anyone to be able to climb it. Few will ever reach its summit.

The year 2063 however marks the last time a Threrrian will successfully climb this mountain. From that time forward, no one will ever succeed again. Why this is so, is a mystery, but perhaps it is due to the fact that all recorded knowledge is destroyed and the knowledge of how to accomplish such an expedition will be gone.

 

2077 –Eednag

In a country in Threr called Aeednih a leader named Eednag will rise up to prevent people from protesting against the actions of their government. He will encourage them to obey the laws of the country, rather than rebel. What will seem positive at the time; will soon become a negative when the people are forced to live in poverty for many years after.

 

Sociologist – John Webber comments:

If this prediction is to be believed, then what we are seeing here is the pawn of a corrupt government, attempting to help that government oppress its people.

 

2078 - Rerltih Flodah

 

This heroic Threrrian will lead a special life-giving crusade involving many of the Threr world powers, which will result in the birth of thousands of Threrrians. It is predicted he will build special “Birthing Camps” where he will bring to life people in many different ways. One revolutionary method will be using special rooms filled with life giving gases called Sermbaech Sags. He will bring peace to many feuding countries and generously give up land from his territory to other nations.

 

No blessing was stolen.

Isaac was simply a moron

 

Isaac a moron? Pastor Jake, tell me it isn’t so! Isaac was a wise man. He was one of God’s chosen people! So what? My brothers and sisters, there are people chosen by God all over this world and a lot of them are morons, especially those ones who don’t have the holy spirit guiding them like I do.

 

I mean look at all those ones who actually believe Noah’s Ark is a true story! Those who have a lick of common sense and knowledge of our holy word, realize it was a fictional story written to show the wonderful love or our heavenly father. Only he could destroy all evil on the face of the planet simply by causing a flood. HALLELUJAH! All those evil men and women… all those evil little shits... even those filthy animals that were contaminated by the sin of their owners! All wiped out in a wondrous act. PRAISE THE LORD!

 

This month, brothers and sisters I want to focus on the story of the Stolen Blessing in Genesis 27.

 

Stolen blessing? You may ask. How can someone steal a blessing?

 

Well of course you can’t steal a blessing! That would be ridiculous. Isaac was clearly a moron for thinking you could.

 

Let’s look at the story and see just what a moron Isaac was…

 

A little background. Isaac is very old and blind. He has two sons, Esau and Jacob. Esau was an unusually hairy man and was Isaac’s favourite. Jacob was his mother Rebekah’s favourite. Yes, already we can see they are both lousy parents having favourites. But that's only the beginning. Rebekah and Jacob plot to steal the blessing that is Esau’s. They decide to play on Isaac’s blindness by pretending that Jacob is really Esau.

 

1) Isaac doesn’t know his son’s voices well enough to tell them apart.

He believes it is Jacob’s voice, but still has doubts. One might be prompted to cry out “What? Are you completely deranged?” A father should be able to recognise his sons immediately by their voices, especially if he is blind, after all, without sight, one relies on their hearing a lot more. There should have been no doubt in his mind. Unless of course he was going completely senile or was a complete moron.

 

2) Isaac can’t tell the difference between what a hairy man feels like and what animal fur feels like.

Jacob puts animal furs on to trick his father into believing he is Esau, by getting Isaac to touch him. Anyone who has touched human hair and the fur of an animal knows they feel completely different. Unless Esau was a caveman (thus supporting evolution not creation), Isaac should have been able to tell the difference. How could anyone fall for a silly trick like that? Only a moron of course!

 

3) Isaac is confused.

When the truth is revealed that the person he just gave the blessing to was not really Esau, Isaac is in shock and asks, “Who is it that I blessed then?” Ok, granted, my brothers and sisters, Isaac may have had many other sons there that this story does not mention and many daughters (who because they were female weren't important enough to be mentioned in the bible), but it doesn’t say so, so it seems there can only be one other person it could be. Or maybe Isaac was mentally retarded as well as blind? Or maybe just a moron.

 

4) Isaac has no blessings left to give.

Since when was there a limit on blessings? Jacob had already swindled Esau out of his birthright earlier on in the story, so one can only assume this was some kind of verbal blessing. So why couldn’t Isaac bless Esau as well? On the other hand if this was some physical or monetary kind of blessing, surely Jacob could do something about it, strip Jacob of it and return it to Esau? Of course he would! Unless of course he was a moron.

 

5) Isaac curses Esau instead.

The guy misses out on his rightful blessing so Isaac curses him instead? There is something seriously wrong with the brain of this man! I'd say moronic. 

 

6) Isaac gives Jacob a further blessing.

In this new chapter it seems all is forgiven and Isaac gives Jacob another blessing. But wait? I thought he had run out of blessings to give...? Did someone say moron? 

 

In conclusion:

 

This is either a made up story or someone has got their facts severely screwed up. No! That is surely not the answer my brothers and sisters, after all this is the infallible word of God here! There can only be one possibility. Isaac must surely rank up there as possibly the biggest moron in biblical history.

 

So please… don’t feel bad if you are a moron. You’ll never be as downright stupid as Isaac was! HALLELUUUUJAH!!

 

LETTERS

 

Dear Pastor Jake

You are a sexist pig! That is quite clear by your last month’s column insisting that women should remain in the kitchen. We live in a modern world now where women are considered the equal of men. Modern churches allow us to speak. They even allow us to teach and preach. We are as important to God as men are! You are living in the 19^th century!

Mrs O Cowell

 

Dear Old Cow

What we are living in is GOD’S time and as such we should be living by GOD’S RULES! His rules quite clearly state in 1 Tim 2:11-14 that women are not to teach OR assume authority over a man! That includes you Mrs Cow! You are disobeying God’s commands by trying to assert your authority over me and as a result will suffer God’s horrendous wrath! You are clearly a FALSE Christian and clearly so are the people in your cult you call a church. You will all burn for all eternity in Hell.

 

Dear Pastor Jake

I normally enjoy your column and generally agree with you, but certainly not about last month’s topic. Eve is not the only one to blame for the fall of man. Adam was equally as guilty. It’s not like she forced him to eat that fruit!

Miss C Templeton

 

Dear Miss Temptress

That is typical of a woman. Always trying to pin the blame on the man. You are as guilty as Eve is, trying to manipulate myself and the male readers of this magazine. Eve used her feminine wiles on Adam and most likely threatened to not give him any loving unless he ate the fruit. She probably refused to cook him his meals or massage his feet. We know your type Miss Temptress! Get thee hence Satan! You are no better than the talking snake!

 

Dear Pastor Jake

What a crock. Last week you tried to say that the bible can’t be read and understood except by use of some magical entity called the holy spirit. That the words of the bible do not mean what they say. That just sounds like a way for you to make up any crazy doctrine you like!

Albert Devon

 

Dear Albert Devil Worshipper.

You are clearly a filthy unbeliever and as such will be burning in Hell for all eternity, once our loving heavenly father has his angels cast you into the agonizing flames. You will never be able to know what the bible truly says because the holy spirit wouldn’t be caught dead inhabiting you. In fact, John 3:16, tells us (using the magic of the holy spirit as a translator) that anyone who does not believe in the holy spirit is really just a worshipper and follower of Satan! Of course you, not having the holy spirit inside you, will read the words as saying something about how God so loved the world… which as the rest of the bible proves, is not true.

 

Dear Pastor Jake

Hi, it’s me the emissary for Pylism. I took your advice and started telling all my followers that Pylism is not a religion but simply a relationship with God… ie me. Now I have everyone ringing me and turning up on my doorstep all the time, sometimes at very inconvenient times… like when I’m eating. I really don’t want to have to waste time dealing with these ubbheads except when it suits me… like at church services when they pay their tithes and offerings.

 

Dear Tucker

It’s time to start creating positions in your church for other leaders. People who are below you, but high enough that they can do all the boring stuff that you don’t want to do. Like counselling and dealing with people who are hopeless and don’t know how to deal with their own problems. Maybe even put your most trusted and most gullible follower in the position of assistant pastor… or in your case assistant emissary. Just give them the jobs you don’t want to do. The beauty of it is that you don’t actually have to pay these people. Just make them believe that it’s a ministry and that they will receive great rewards in the afterlife. Do this and you get to take it easy while everyone else puts in the hard yards. You can be the celebrity, travelling all over the country and all over the world, while everyone else grovels at your feet trying to keep you and everyone else happy.

 

 

Disclaimer: UBBA Magazine in no way endorse the methods recommended by Aunty Lil

 

This month we continue with our school lessons, because let’s face it, most of you parents out there clearly didn’t pay attention in classes, because you’re all so darn clueless. Why else would you be looking at a column on parenting? You’re obviously all a bunch of no-hoppers who shouldn’t even be allowed kids. But oh well, seeing as you’re reading, let’s get to today’s lesson.

 

SCIENCE

 

Teaching science to your brat is one of the most fun topics you can do, because you can get them to perform experiments and teach them crucial things like what happens when you stick a fork into a light socket. Boy did I have a good laugh about that one when I conducted that experiment with Tucker when he was 4 years old. It sure taught him never to stick a fork into a light socket ever again!

 

Another thing a child needs to learn about is fire and what that can do. And no, don’t even suggest something as blatantly stupid like handing your kid a box of matches and letting them play with them. Only a stupid parent would do something like that. The way I taught my son about the dangers of fire was whenever he did anything stupid around fire I’d burn one of his favourite toys. He’d get to see them burn to a crisp.

 

Something that can teach kids about science is things like building blocks, Meccano and Lego and stuff like that. It’s a way to see how machinery works or how things are constructed and built.  Tucker just loved Lego, Meccano and building blocks. They were his favourite toys! However, they never lasted very long because I kept having to burn them whenever he did something stupid around fire.

 

One of the most fun activities to do to teach your kid science is when it comes to water, especially at summer time when they’re in their paddling pool. Give them heaps of water toys to play with so they can see how water works. At the same time you can teach them to swim! One of the easiest things ever. Just throw them in the pool, go away for a glass of wine and come back later! Simple!

 

Just about everything you can think of in Science you can teach your child from an early age. Gravity? Just let them climb around on the roof of your house and let them see what happens when they fall off. Bacteria? If you have some food that’s gone bad, let them steal it out of the fridge. See how they feel after they’ve eaten it!  Ultra violet rays? Simply let them sunbath for a few hours and let them see just how painful it is when your skin is exposed to those rays for too long!

 

You may ask, how can I use such methods. Wouldn’t your child suffer?

 

Of course, you stupid morons! They’ll suffer! DUH! Then they’ll learn something about health and wellbeing!

Disclaimer: UBBA Magazine advises you not to take Uncle Tuck's advice... unless you are a moron, in which case the world would be better off without you.

 

 

Hey, everyone, it’s your Uncle Tuck back to give you more fantastic advice. Better advice than what my mother would give you about parenting by the way. (he he he, I hope my Mum doesn’t read thi… OOOOWWWWWWW! Bloody Hell, Mum, you didn’t have to whack me over the head that hard!... I’ll edit this, I promise. You give the best advice, Mum, I agree. I’m nowhere near as knowledgeable as you)

 

If you have any problems that you can’t solve and need advice, just send your letters into this website and I’ll be sure to get them. Oh and send in some money too. I don’t get enough free snacks when writing for UBBA.

 

 

Dear Uncle Tuck

Hi it’s me, the guy that was wearing the Groucho Marx mask as a disguise.  You will notice I had to write this letter to you on paper and send it by snail mail, as I cannot risk going into Internet cafes to send you email. Your latest advice hasn’t worked. I started wearing a baby mask like you suggested, but then suddenly I found out the police had an APB out for a man wearing a baby mask instead. I have not been able to get online to read UBBA Magazine so I have no idea whether you published my last letter in your mag. Remember I asked you NOT to publish it. Did you publish it? Please tell me you didn’t. Anyway, I did away with the baby mask and instead got one with a child of about 10 years old. The only problem is I got picked up by a truant officer asking me why I wasn’t at school. So I had to pretend I went to a local school here. I am now spending my days pretending to be 10 years old and going to school. Apart from a few people asking me why I am so tall for a 10-year-old I have been able to pull it off. I made good friends with one of the boys but have found out that his mother has a thing for me. She’s started making passes at me. I think she’s kind of hot, but I have to keep playing the part of a 10-year-old in case she freaks out and calls the cops on me. How do I get this woman off my back? (PS Please reply via post and please, pleeease do not publish this letter in UBBA Magazine.)

Incognito

 

Reply

You lucky bugger. I once had a crush on one of my teachers at high school. Mrs Brewster her name was. Unfortunately, she retired before I could use my manly charms on her. I’d say that the best way to get rid of this woman is to change that mask to one of Michael Jackson when he was a kid. Try that. 

 

 

Dear Uncle Tuck

I don’t know why you claim to be a better problem solver than Wal. There has been that guy writing in every month complaining about one thing or another and each month Wal advised him to wear a different paper bag over his head. Then what? You come along and take over his column and then tell the guy to wear masks instead? What’s the difference??? One time Wal told him to wear a Michael Jackson paper bag. I wouldn’t be at all surprised if you told him to do the same thing with a freaking mask instead!

Unimpressed

 

Reply

Do you have a problem or something I can help you with, ubbhead? This isn’t the ubbing complaints column you know. I’m here to solve real problems, not delusions! Any self-respecting self-help guru will tell you, you NEVER tell people to wear paper bags over their heads. Masks are ok though, because we all wear them don’t we? At least that’s what some great philosopher told me once.

 

 

Dear Uncle Tuck

I have been suffering depression a lot later. I am so sick of hearing the same old airy-fairy stuff you get from do-gooders these days. Stuff that doesn’t work in reality. I am looking for some way to deal with it that actually works.  Can you give me something I can try?

Down in the dumps

 

Reply

Of course I can. After all, I am Uncle Tuck and I have answers for everything. Everyone gets the blues from time to time and I find that the way to deal with that is just to binge on chocolate and junk food. It really works! That sort of stuff makes you really feel happy... except for ACTUAL Happy Meals, because they’re crap - nobody can have a decent feed on one of those. I know depression is way more serious than the blues, but hey… you just eat a hell of a lot more junk to make up for it! UBBAAAAAAAAA!!

 

 

Dear Uncle Tuck

I can’t stand Miley Cyrus music. Every time I hear a song of hers on the radio I just want to plunge a screwdriver into my ear. What can I do about this? I don’t want to have to go through this every time I listen to Miley.

Non-Miley fan

 

Reply 

That’s easy. Buy one of her father’s records and listen to “Achy Breaky Heart” over and over again. After a couple of hours of that, Miley’s music will seem like Beethoven.  

 

Brought to you by Mad Dave Harris

 

Continued from last month (Divine translations):

 

PISCES

Some silly nonsense that sounds good but really tells you nothing at all.

 

Divine translation:

The ball is in your court this month, so you need to run with it. Just be careful you don’t drop it.

 

 

AQUARIUS

A truly fantastic Harriscope for you because Aquarians are the best! I should know, I am one!

Divine translation:

Everyone is going to bow down and kiss your feet this month. All your dreams will come true!

 

 

CANCER

A prediction of a vague event that is bound to come true no matter what your sign is or who you are.

 

Divine translation:

Someone is going to do something that annoys you this month. But don’t worry, someone will make you smile too.

 

TAURUS

An observation about you that is probably true for most people in the world no matter what their sign.

 

Divine translation:

You are the type of person who does not like it when people hit you over the back of a head with a baseball bat. You also find it difficult to resist eating your favourite foods.

 

SAGGITTARIUS

Some nonsense about the moon over Jupiter and the movement of Venus into your cycle, just to make it sound as though your Harriscope is authentic.

 

Divine translation:

The moon is over Jupiter, which will affect your mood this month. The movement of Venus into your cycle will also affect how you are feeling and you may wish that it was the time of the year Saturn was entering your cycle instead.

 

VIRGO

A piece of advice to get you to do something that is going to have no real big impact on anything.

 

Divine translation:

If someone pisses you off this month, simply take your frustrations out on your pillow. A few good thumps will make you feel so much better.

 

CAPRICORN

A promise of a great future if you send cash donations into Mad Dave’s Harriscopes.

 

Divine translation:

Things will go really well for you if you send cash donations into Mad Dave’s Harriscopes. I’m sure it will also help to give my imagination a good boost when it comes to writing these things for you.

 

AERIES

A piece of advice that is good no matter what star you are and in what situation you are in.

 

Divine translation:

Try not to be an ass hole at work this month.

 

GEMINI

A possibility of two outcomes. 1) A situation that could occur, 2) A situation that will definitely occur if it’s not outcome 1.

 

Divine translation:

This month you will find yourself stuck in traffic on a regular basis, making you late for work. Or it may just be that the roads are clear and you get to work on time. 

 

LEO

Something truly terrible that is so bad it could only ever happen to a Leo, because… well because I can’t stand Leos. You should know that by now.

 

Divine translation:

You’re doomed!

 

SCORPIO
Something that’s completely wrong when it comes to you, which you will conveniently ignore. Yet you will still tune in next time for your Harriscope, believing that they really work.

 

Divine translation:

You are going to win 20 million dollars in the lottery this month!

 

LIBRA

A slightly reworded version of a previous month’s Harriscope because I was too lazy to come up with something new for you.

 

Divine translation:

I was feeling a little lethargic this month so all I’ve done is reworded a previous month’s Harriscope.

 

 

 

This month's pick is from Recker's sci fi comedy "Time Warped."  The time travellers, head to the future and find themselves in a futuristic restaurant in the 25th century...

 

 

‘Where on Earth are we?’ Kelly peered around.

‘We should be in the 25th century, right?’ Hugh’s eyes widened. ‘Maaaate, your house must have been pulled down. A restaurant has been built in its place.’          

‘Some restaurant,’ Drex mused. ‘Very flash.’

‘And very white,’ Hugh said.

He wasn’t kidding. It seemed almost everything was white. The walls, the furniture, the shelving and plant pots. Plants spaced evenly around the restaurant added a splash of colour to the scene. Tables and chairs were spread out around the huge dining room and there was a bar situated in the corner next to a comfortable lounge area. The lounge area disappeared around behind the other side of the bar and looked trendy with its fancy chairs and coffee tables. The wonderful aroma of delicious dishes filled the air. There were people everywhere, dressed in colourful clothing and it was then, for the first time, they noticed a female receptionist standing at a desk beside them.

‘Welcome to the Evolving Restaurant,’ the receptionist greeted them in a friendly tone, a smile on her face.

For a moment, Drex figured he had misheard her. But then he figured she had made a slip of the tongue. ‘Don't you mean the Revolving Restaurant?’

The receptionist offered a blank expression. ‘I assume that you are joking?’

‘What do you mean, me joking?’

‘The Evolving Restaurant is the eleventh wonder of the world. How could you possibly confuse this place with a common revolving restaurant?’

‘I'm sorry, I didn't realise,’ scowled Drex. However, the receptionist did appear a little conceited, so he wasn’t going to sound too sincere. ‘The Evolving Restaurant. I take it that the food is good here?’

‘The absolute best. We have the most delicious meals available in the Southern Hemisphere.’ She picked up her pen and opened her register. ‘Do you have a reservation?’

‘Do we need one?’

‘Generally yes, but you're in luck today. An extra table finished evolving this morning, so it’s available if you wish to take it. You are most fortunate because this place is booked out months in advance. Your names?’

Drex didn’t know what to say at first, but it was close to lunchtime, so a good feed wouldn't go astray. ‘The Drexler party. The food is as good as you say it is isn't it?’

‘The very best.’ The receptionist attempted to write their names into the register but her pen appeared to have run out of ink.

Drex couldn't help but wonder why they were using such old technology when surely this stuff would have been done on a computer. Unless of course the register was not as it appeared.

‘Oh curse it, I'm out of ink. We have a severe shortage of pens here. I may have to wait for one to evolve.’

‘How long could that take?’ asked Kelly.

‘As long as one hundred years.’

Drex stared at her in disbelief and then looked at his friends in dismay. Fortunately, Dufus came to the rescue, offering up one of his own pens, to avoid the long wait. When the receptionist saw his pencil case full of them, her eyes lit up. ‘My goodness, so many pens! We use them up faster than they can evolve. Where on Earth did you get so many of them?’

‘We don't wait for them to evolve,’ Drex said with a snigger. ‘Where we come from we manufacture them.’

‘Manufacture them?’ the receptionist stared at Drex. ‘How absolutely absurd! Do you really expect me to believe there’s some almighty creator who goes around manufacturing ballpoint pens? I think not.’

‘They're made in factories.’

‘Oh really? And have you ever been to one of these so-called pen factories?’

‘Ah no. But I...’

‘Well there you go. How do you know that they are manufactured then?’     

‘It’s just common knowledge. I just know. Everybody accepts that fact.’

‘Well,’ the receptionist turned up her nose, ‘you may live by blind faith, but I have a more logical mind. If they make ball-point pen factories, I would have to see one to believe it.’

Once at their table, Hugh picked up a menu and surveyed it with interest. A frown came upon his face and he looked up at his dining companions. ‘Whoa, you're never going to believe this, but all the staff here are robots.’

‘You're kidding.’ Drex gave a frown. ‘Robots? What? Does it say that on the menu?’         

‘Our robotic staff are evolving to ensure your dining pleasure,’ read Hugh. ‘Please be patient as many of us have not developed full functions yet.’

‘Are you for real?’ Kelly snatched the menu off him and stared at it for a few moments. ‘My gosh, it really does say that!’

‘I can understand robots in the 25^th century,’ Drex commented, ‘but all this stuff about the evolution of things not technically alive is quite absurd.’

            ‘It says here, on the back, that this restaurant began evolving around 500 years ago. The house which once stood here began to change shape and grow.’ She looked up at Drex with a look of delight on her face.

‘My house?’

‘Can you believe that?’

‘But how? That's impossible.’

Kelly paused and read some more. ‘According to this it began to grow and change shape. The furniture began to change and robots began to evolve. Over 400 years later, it became a thriving family restaurant. Even the kitchen utensils and appliances evolved by themselves. It's apparently one of the world's great unsolved mysteries.’     

The waiter interrupted briefly to take their drinks order. Once he had gone, they continued their conversation.

‘Maaaaate,’ Hugh sighed, ‘is it possible your time machine has caused some kind of reaction, resulting in what we have here right now?’

Kelly spoke up, ‘We’ve been in and out of God’s dimension right? Humans aren’t supposed to do that. Who knows what effects it might have? Jesus or God, or whoever runs that dimension set this world up to work a certain way. You may have…’

‘…messed with it?’ Hugh finished her sentence off.

‘Yes.’

Drex gave a deep sigh. ‘I'm afraid I don't know. I can‘t see how it could.’ However, he wasn’t convinced, but didn’t want his friends to believe it was a result of him, as he still had many places he wanted to visit.

They fell silent for a few moments. Drex tried to tell himself not to worry and decided the best option was just to enjoy the trip, after all, what harm could they possibly be doing? They were only travelling through time and weren’t there to change anything.

The waiter finally arrived with their drinks. ‘Sorry about the delay people, but we are still waiting for more staff to evolve.’ He handed Kelly her glass of wine and moved on to Drex. ‘We do have some more staff in storage but their senses have not evolved yet, so they are still deaf, dumb and blind. In most restaurants they would have been hired immediately, but here at the Evolving Restaurant, we have higher standards.’ The waiter paused for a moment and gave a frown. ‘Oh dear, we seem to be one glass short. Did you order a drink sir?’ he looked at Dufus.

‘I ordered a cup of cocoa. Where is it? I always have cocoa for lunch.’   

‘I'm afraid that we could have a problem sir. We have a shortage of cups at the moment and we will have to wait for one to evolve I'm afraid.’

‘How long will that take?’

‘Maybe two to three hundred years.’

‘What? Can't you order some from the supermarket?’

‘Order some? From the supermarket?’ The waiter seemed highly offended. ‘You dare suggest that we buy cups, cups that have not evolved in this restaurant? Only the most natural of crockery will ever be used here.’              

‘Well what shall I drink with then?’

‘I'll have a look in storage. If believe there is a mug there. Its handle hasn't yet evolved, but I’m sure it will do.’

‘We don't have to wait for anything else to evolve, do we?’ Drex asked. ‘Like our food for instance?’

The waiter burst out laughing. ‘No, no, no, of course not. All our meat and vegetables are produced in our own kitchens, just the way they should be.’

‘Produced?’

‘We don't serve any of that organic garbage here.’

 

 

Drex and his friends decided not to stay at the Evolving Restaurant for lunch. 

 

Available for sale on Smashwords:

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/676205

Also Kindle:

 

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B01MQ1VUKN

 

Disclaimer: All articles in this magazine are the views of the authors and none of it is to be taken seriously. Interviews are purely fictional and letters are not written by the assigned people.

 

All writings copyrighted, UBBA Magazine 2017