Edition 15 - November 2017

Before anyone gets too excited, no ABBA are not reuniting. At least not just yet. If you read the headline you will see that it is our dream concert fantasy, that’s all. It’s not actually happening (shakes head in despair). It probably never will, especially seeing as Bjorn Ulvaeus views ABBA reforming as simply them being their own tribute band and he doesn’t want that. But I had a coffee with him when I visited Stockholm recently and he did tell me they have healed old wounds and there is talk of a new album. Just no concerts. Looking forward to it!

One thing that we can say is real though is that yes the next government of New Zealand has been decided and no we didn't vote them in. In fact the majority of us didn't want them in. Nevertheless, the job of deciding who was going to run the country was given to one man and one man only... Winston Peters. And he took about three weeks to make up his mind. Farewell democracy. It was nice knowing you. 

Welcome to the 15^th edition of UBBA magazine! And would you believe this marks exactly TWO years of UBBA Magazine. Yes two years! This is an anniversary edition, but we're not going to make a big deal of it. As far as we're concerned its business as usual. Maybe after three years if we are still going, we'll do something special.... if we can be bothered.

Yes we are still going strong, but to continue to go strong, we need to keep things fresh, otherwise not only you the reader, but we the writers will get bored. So this month we have two major changes.

Our first one is that Mad Dave Harris will no longer be bringing us his special horoscopes. Of course he predicted that he would no longer be doing horoscopes by the end of 2017 and how right that prediction has turned out to be. Horoscopes really do work!  Well if you are a gullible eejit, you'll believe that anyway. He is not leaving UBBA though and instead has decided to give his take on classic TV shows of the past. This month he will be talking about that old 70s/80s classic the Dukes of Hazzard. Be sure to read his unique and entertaining observations on that one.

This month sees the final installment of Aunty Lil’s Perfect Parenting. She has had enough of enlightening parents with her so-called wisdom. That doesn’t mean we’ve seen the last of her… unfortunately… as she is currently coming up with ideas for a new column of some kind for UBBA.  

Colin Hewgill is back this edition, to conduct an interview. With God having been interviewed, the devil didn’t think it was fair, so contacted us at UBBA in an attempt to get an interview. He really wanted my beautiful wife Vanessa Dante to conduct the interview, but Vanessa said she’d already had enough of one lecherous deity ogling her, so didn’t want to have to deal with another. So be prepared to hear from Lucifer himself, folks! 

Rex Cassidy

I think it’s ridiculous that Kermit the Frog is going to run for president at the next elections. He is a freaking Muppet and we already have one of those in office. Donald Freaking Trump.  It’s about time we had some serious candidates for the presidency. An actor maybe, like Ronald Reagan. How about Eddy Murphy? Or even better, Donkey from Shrek. 

Charlie Sheen (USA)

I think it’s great that Kermit the Frog is running for president next time around. I think we need some green in politics these days. Yes, I know that the Green Party in New Zealand are a bunch of Muppets, but I’m sure that won’t be the case with Kermit the Frog in the USA. I think with him, Miss Piggy and Fozzy, we will have a better bunch governing the country than ever before.
Helen Clarke (New Zealand)

I still can’t get over that shocking headline you printed in the previous edition of UBBA Magazine. It was truly horrifying.
Clive Barker (England)

{Yes, many readers have expressed the same horror that you have over that headline.}

I wish to complain about the fact that the complaint letter I sent last month was only partially published in the “Letters to the Editor”. How dare you print only part of it and then ignore the rest? I have the right to be heard, especially considering I am actually a columnist of UBBA Magazine. I should be given the respect that I deserve. Not only do I expect to see a letter of mine published in EVERY edition of UBBA Magazine, I expect all my letters I send to be published in UBBA in their ENTIRETY! Not a single iota should ever be omit…
Tucker Pyles (UBBA Magazine Columnist)

{Ok, that’s enough of that letter.}

Feel free to write in letters about your opinions about UBBA Magazine. We would love to hear from you.

If you have any regular articles you would like to add to UBBA Magazine please contact us. We are always on the look out for contributors and will give you credit where credit is due.

Simply contact the administrator of Recker’s World

Interviewer = Colin Hewgill
Guest = Satan

Colin: It’s great to be back to conduct another interview. Vanessa really got a huge one there when she interviewed God which took three sessions to conduct. Well I’ve scored a big one here too and although I don’t intend for it to go on quite as long, who knows just how long it may take. I’m here sitting opposite the Talking Snake himself. That’s right. Satan!

Satan: Whoa, whoa, wait a minute. Talking snake? My name’s Lucifer. I’m a spirit being, not a reptile. That wasn’t me in that story. That story’s not even true, it was just some silly fairy tale that some fool came up with. It was a talking snake, nothing more, but it was never me.

Colin: The bible tells us it was you. You were going around masquerading as a snake in the Garden of Eden and fooled poor old Eve into eating forbidden fruit.

Satan: Look, that wasn’t me, ok? I can’t turn into a snake. Besides, it wasn’t until thousands of years later that some buffoon decided that the talking snake was me. It never says anything of the kind in the Old Testament. Only in the New. Then they had all of Christianity believing it. The Jews will tell you it wasn’t me though.

Colin: Well I don’t know whether to believe you, after all, aren’t you known as the Father of Lies?

Satan: Tis but a cruel name that my enemies came up with. I’m not saying I’m perfect, in fact I like to cause a little trouble and mayhem, but I’ve been given a bad rap, especially by Christians. They want to blame me for everything, even the horrible stuff that God does to them, but all I was ever doing was what I was told to do. What God told me to do.

Colin: What? So you’re telling me that all the lives you’ve destroyed, all the people you’ve killed… God told you to do all that stuff?

Satan: Sigh! You’ve been listening to too much Christian propaganda. Haven’t you even read your bible? Go take a look at it. Go see who killed who. God killed millions of people in the bible. Entire armies, cities… he even sent a worldwide flood killing babies and animals! I never did anything like that and never have. There were TEN people I killed and that was because God instructed me to do it. Read the book of Job and you'll see!

Colin: Oh you mean the story where God destroys a guy’s life and then thinks that replacement family members would make up for the ones he had you murder?

Satan: EXACTLY!  Those were the only humans I killed and that was because God made me do it! The only time I ever kill anyone is if God gives me instructions to. I don’t have the authority otherwise. Everybody, even Christians know I can’t just kill anyone I want to. God has to allow it first! And it’s not like I’m itching to kill people. I’m not. That’s just more lies told about me to demonise me.

Colin: So are you trying to tell me that when people blame you for all he evil they do, that you’re not responsible? Seriously?

Satan: Of course not! Who do they think I am a god or something? Do they think that I’m omnipresent? That I can be in a million places at once, tempting them all at once? Only God could possibly do something like that. I’m simply a fallen angel, nothing more. I can’t go around trying to manipulate every human on the planet. I’m not omniscient, I’m not omni-present and I’m not all-knowing. So how could I?

Colin: You do raise a valid point.

Satan: It’s ludicrous for anyone to think that I’m trying to manipulate them. I just don’t have the time to get around to everyone and why would I? What would make anyone think that they are that big a deal to me… Lucifer himself? Are their egos that big? Are their delusions of grandeur that huge? What makes them think that I would take time out of my busy schedule to try to manipulate them to perform kinky or sinful acts? What nonsense! I have better things to do. Don’t you think I would have better things to do?

Colin: Hey, Bub, it’s supposed to be me asking the questions.

Satan: Look, I want to have fun. I want to enjoy myself. I couldn’t care less what Colin Hewgill is doing in the privacy of his own bedroom, what part of his body he is playing with or what part of somebody else's body he's playing with. I couldn’t care less about whether he’s doing good or bad. I mean what type of sick twisted psycho pervert do you think I am?

Colin: I’m hoping you can tell ME that!

Satan: If I’m as psychotic and evil as everyone is making me out to be, that would mean I have some severe mental illnesses. That would mean I am not in my right mind and not in any frame of mind to be accountable for my own actions. It would also mean that I was created to be psychotic. After all you don’t just become psychotic. It’s as a result of a problem with your brain at birth or as a result of abusive upbringing. So if I’m as evil and sick as what Christians make me out to be, then that would be my creator’s fault. GOD! My FATHER’S fault.  He would be responsible for creating and raising such a sick and twisted individual. How sick would that make him?

Colin: Look, buckweed, I’m getting sick of you asking me all the questions. Do I have to get Rex Cassidy in here to kick your butt?

Satan: Of course not! I’m sorry. Please let’s leave Rex out of this, he makes me nervous.

Colin: So what do you do then, if you’re not going around trying to deceive and manipulate people?

Satan: I’m living it up of course! Hanging out with babes, getting drunk and partying. Isn’t that what you would be doing if you were me? Living it up before God comes and ruins the party?  Ooops, sorry that was another question, wasn’t it? Speaking of getting drunk, any chance of a beer? Or something stronger, if possible.

Colin: Yeah, ok, let’s take a break. We’ll continue this interview later.

This interview will conclude in the next edition of UBBA.

Our resident roving reporter Wal (Will Ullman) reports on one of UBBA Magazine's headlines...

Snakes & Ladders.

To be at next Olympics! 

I’ve found out recently that at the next Olympic Games in Tokyo, 2020 they’re including baseball, karate, skateboarding, sports climbing and Surfing into it. Hey, it’s great that these sports are getting a chance to be contested, but I think there are many other events that should be included too. So I’m campaigning and am confident that the following events will also be included in the Olympic Games for 2020.

Snakes & Ladders  

Obviously, the board game alone is not gonna be good enough, as its only about luck and the roll of the dice, but I propose we take the sports climbing idea and turn it into a climbing game with REAL ladders in the form of an obstacle course. And we can also throw in poisonous snakes throughout the course, which you have to avoid as you scramble your way through the race. Now that’s a really exciting Olympic Game that you can bet I’ll be watching with eager anticipation! And knowing those Japs and the crazy obstacle courses they make for reality TV, they’ll have no problems agreeing to adding this game.

Skipping Races

I’m not talking about using a skipping rope, I’m talking about races that involve skipping like a Nancy boy along the route. Say 100 KMs of skipping to get to your destination. Well hey, if you can have Walking races, why not Skipping races? At least Skipping is faster than walking. I mean come on, if you’re gonna have a race to see who can get somewhere the fastest, you’re not gonna bloody walk are you?  You’re gonna choose a faster method like running or SKIPPING. And we all know that there is precious little difference between their version of walking and running anyway, which is why just about everybody in a walking race gets themselves disqualified for running. At least with skipping, it’s faster than walking and we won’t have to worry about people cheating.

Belly Busting/Bombs

We have diving and that’s fun to watch, but wouldn’t it be more exciting to see belly busters instead? Actually I always used to love doing bombs. We could have a similar event there to see who can cause the most water to rise as high as possible. None of this trying to dive into the water without a ripple crap.

Synchronized Wrestling

No, I’m not talking about boring amateur wrestling, but pro-wrestling. Can you imagine it? Two guys being suplexed in unison. Two hurricanranas timed to perfection on two different opponents at the same time. Two steel chairs being whacked across the back of two heads at the same time. Now who wouldn’t want to watch stuff like that? Gotta be more exciting than watching that namby-pamby synchronized swimming, even though some of those chicks are pretty hot in their swimsuits.  I mean let’s face it, why else would you watch synchronized swimming?

100 Meters Freestyle for athletes who can't swim.

Ok, I admit it, I stole that one from Monty Python. A bunch of guys dive into the pool and don’t resurface. It’s still a damn sight more entertaining than normal swimming races, right? I mean we all know who’s gonna win those races before they start and there are rarely any upsets, because you don’t see people suddenly drowning in the middle of a race. It’s not like running races where the favourite can trip up or pull a hamstring. Or in a biking race where you can have a pile up of bicycles in a crash. Swimming races are dull, dull, dull. I mean how long can you watch 1000 meters of freestyle without falling asleep? I think a snail race would be more entertaining. 

Go-Cart Racing

Hey, if you're gonna have skateboarding, then Go-Cart and trolly racing should also be included right? Oh and Scooter racing... and Tricycle racing. Let's be fair now. While we're at it, let's also throw in some push chair racing.

Did you really just say that??

By Vanessa Dante

Recently I’ve been doing some thinking about really quite ridiculous phrases and claims that people make and decided to comment on a few of them.

I gave 110%

People who say this clearly think you are a gullible twit or otherwise they just have absolutely no math’s skills at all. Obviously anyone who claims to have given 110% is a liar and should not be taken seriously. You are an even bigger fool than them if you really seriously think that anyone could give 110% no matter how impressive they may seem to you. 

I’m a foodie

Who isn’t a foodie? Seriously? Unless you have an eating disorder, we all like to eat and we all have favourite foods. We HAVE to eat if we want to stay alive! We all like to drink too, but we don’t call ourselves a drinkie, even if we only drink from the top shelf.  We may love cars but we don’t call ourselves a car-ee. If you’re a straight woman you don’t call yourself a manie and if you’re a straight man you don’t call yourself a womanie. Does a mouse call itself a cheesie because it’s a connoisseur of cheese? A foodie is not a something, so please stop with the silly label. 

I hate to lose

This has to be one of the most moronic things for anyone to say. I hate to lose. Duh! Who likes to lose? Is there anybody who does? Do you ever hear professional rugby players coming off the field after a 85 to 0 thrashing saying “I really enjoyed losing that match. It was the highlight of my career!”  Nuh uh, of course you don’t. There are certain things that just don’t need to be said because it’s true for every sane person. “I hate being punched in the face”, “I hate being bullied”, “I hate being disemboweled.” “I hate Brussels sprouts”.  Of course you do. Who doesn’t? 

Lolololololol

Ok, this one is not normally said verbally but I am seeing this used a lot by “less educated people” on the Internet (I really wanted to use the words “morons”, but didn’t want to appear so mean) What is that anyway? “Laugh out loud out loud out loud out loud out loud”?  It makes no sense. The whole idea of writing LOL was to type a laugh without having to type Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.  So why would any sane person decide to type Lolololololol? Why not just write Hahahahahaha instead? It would make you sound less stupid and actually make sense. Or if you find something really hilarious, then do what most sane people will do and type something like LMAO or ROFL. 

Making Money on Threr

Money makes the world go around.

This is definitely the case in Threr as well, although the value Threrrians put on money is quite a bit different to that of Earth. As we have already learnt, Threrrians don’t go to work to be paid - they pay to go to work. This begs the question of how do Threrrians get money to survive? There are many different ways and most of it revolves around their strong recycling ethics.

Banks

Banks are one of the most charitable organisations on Threr. They will pay huge donations to customers for the privilege of having them bank with them. The more transactions you make at a bank, the more donations you receive.

Banks will find any excuse they can to give you money, although the bank does have limits on how much money they will give you, but if for some reason they do go over those limits, they will pay you extra money as sort of a self-imposed penalty for their error.

A standard method of charity is to allocate special cards to people. Those who request such a card are able to draw out a lump sum of money from it to use for whatever purposes they require. This amount is then debited from the card leaving the cardholder with a debt. The bank, along with other affiliates, such as charitable organisations and businesses, will regularly deposit lump sums of money into the card to help pay off that debt. The cardholder himself is able to draw regular amounts out of it – generally once a month, but only as long as he is willing to be charitable in return eg, employing the services of the affiliates or donating them unwanted belongings.

There may come a time when the cardholder decides he no longer needs this type of charity, in which case he will allow the balance to reach zero, decease with his responsibilities to the affiliates and apply to have his card decommissioned.

Another method banks use to distribute wealth is to regularly pay their clients lump sums of money. Generally these arrangements last for many years, often up to 20 - 30 years. There is a catch however. At the end of the period, the client must sell a major asset and hand over the value of that asset to the bank. Generally the longer the period of donations = the more valuable the asset to be sold.

Even then though, the client ends up with the sweeter deal as the amount of the item they have to sell is always a huge percentage less than the money the bank has paid them.

How are banks, who give so much money away able to finance their operations? That is a bit of a mystery. Due to the Threrrians dislike of keeping records there is no sure way of determining how banks become so wealthy, but the fact is most of them are. It should also be noted that banks are often called upon to support sporting events and teams, and they do get paid a lot of money for that. Television stations will also pay them large amounts of money for the privilege of having them advertise their charitable services with them.

Liars for Christ? We need them

Lying is a sin is it not? Is it? Really? I mean is a white lie ok, like when you tell your 3-year-old son that his picture he drew is lovely when it looks more like he’s thrown up all over it?  Or like when you tell your wife that she does not look fat in that dress when really she looks like a total porker in it?

Of course sometimes it’s ok to lie. We know that. God knows that. Lying is not always a sin and I will demonstrate to you how sometimes lying is quite alright and in fact necessary!

When I was a young Christian, in the early 90s I was in church one day. A visiting American pastor by the name of Jimmy Stinton, or something like that, came to speak. He was a former WWF pro-wrestler I’d never heard of. I was a wrestling fan so thought, yes, I must hear this man.  

However, as soon as Jim started preaching, I couldn’t believe it. He started talking as if pro-wrestling was real! As if the sport wasn’t staged and as if nobody knew the outcome of matches beforehand. It shocked me, my dear brothers and sisters, that a visiting evangelist could so blatantly lie about something in the pulpit! I remember well him talking about the match at Summer Slam 88 where the Ultimate Warrior destroyed the Honky Tonk man in under 30 seconds to become the new WWF Intercontinental champion! And he described it like this:

The Ultimate Warrior was this HUGE guy with bulging muscles. He was 6 foot 8 (a lie right away, he’s way shorter than that) and I asked him. “Hey Warrior, are you going to beat the the Honky Tonk Man tonight?’

The Warrior replied, “HA HA HA HA HA HA! OF COURSE I AM!”

Clearly, my brothers and sisters, this conversation never went down this way, if ever at all. Any pro-wrestling fan knows… even back in the early 90s that if a title was going to change hands it had been planned well in advance. There was no question that the Ultimate Warrior was going to destroy the Honky Tonk Man in under 30 seconds, because that was the plan. Jim Stinton, being a pro-wrestler himself would have known this full well and the Warrior would not have laughed in such a haughty manner, even if he had been asked such an ignorant question.

I was troubled by this story, because of the fact it was a bunch of lies. After the service, I had a chance to talk to Jim and I said to him. ‘But Jim… I don’t get it. Pro-wrestling is staged.”

And he looked at me and blatantly lied to my face. “Don’t you believe it! It’s real.” And then went on to try to justify it as real and even made a comment that “sometimes managers try to get involved and they cause their men to get disqualified.”

I didn’t argue. I just went away, fuming that the man of god could so blatantly lie to people, when he was supposed to be there as God’s spokesperson. Here he is talking about pro-wrestling as if it's real and then goes on to talk about God and stuff in the bible?

But then the lord spake to me, brothers and sisters. He told me, Jake! What are you thinking? This man Jim is my servant and he is there to further the kingdom of God! It doesn’t matter if what he says is true! All that matters is that people come to know the lord. As Paul said in Phillipians 1 vs 18:

“What then? notwithstanding, every way, whether in pretence, or in truth, Christ is preached; and I therein do rejoice, yea, and will rejoice.”

All that mattered to Paul was that the gospel had been preached, not whether the preacher was honest or not, and so should it be the same for us, my brothers and sisters. As long as Jesus is promoted amongst the heathen it doesn’t matter whether what we preach is true or not! We can lie to our hearts content! We can lie about what Jesus has done for us. Lie about miracles that never happened.

Exaggerate, my brothers and sisters! Make it up!  Twist it! It doesn’t matter, just as long as Jesus is glorified and people are brought into the kingdom.  HALLELUJAH! PRAISE THE LORD!

Be a liar for Christ. That is one time where lying is NOT a sin. PRAISE GOD!

Letters: 

Dear Pastor Jake

Thank you for your commentaries on the story of Isaac and the stolen blessing in the previous edition. It has never been more obvious to me just how absurd some of the bible stories are, but yet Christians take them seriously. A stolen blessing? HA! Ridiculous. Almost as absurd as the story where God sent two bears to kill 42 kids just because they called Elisha a “baldy”. As if the 42 kids would hang around and get killed by two bears. They would flee before they all got mauled.

Thomas Redmond

Dear Doubting Thomas,

There is nothing absurd about these stories at all. They really happened! Isaac was simply a daft old man who wasn’t in his right mind. Elisha, however was in full grasp of his faculties when he ordered God to send those bears to maul those 42 evil brats to death. Even though the bible doesn’t tell us it, you have to realise that those 42 delinquents were possessed by demons, which is why they called a prophet of God like Elisha “Baldy”. So that is why God sent those bears to tear them apart. Because they were possessed by demons, they remained there in an attempt to kill the bears, even when all was lost and they knew they couldn’t win. They, like Isaac weren’t in their right minds and so continued to try to fight their losing battle. The world was better off with those demon-possessed scumbags. God did us all, not just Elisha, a favour! PRAISE THE LORRRRD! Now if only God would deal with the little ingrates who live in my neighbourhood in the same loving manner!

Dear Pastor Jake

I wrote to you last edition annoyed that you made out that Eve was guiltier than Adam for the fall of man. I pointed out that they were both equally as guilty. What did you do? You accused me of being a temptress! You called me Satan! How dare you? How can woman possibly take you seriously as a pastor if you are going to hold absurd beliefs like that? You sicken me!

Miss C Templeton

Dear Miss Conniving Temptress,

By writing in again, you are proving to all our readers just what a conniving temptress you truly are. You are clearly manipulated by Satan, to accuse me, a true man of God, of making you sick. You are sick because of all the sin you have in your life. You are sick because demons are inside you and you need to be cleansed of that filth! COME OUT FOUL SPIRITS IN THE NAME OF JEEEEEEEEZUSSSSSS!

Dear Pastor Jake

It troubles me that you would take a famous and wonderful verse of the bible like John 3:16 and put your own spin on it. You claim it to be saying something that it doesn’t. It clearly does not say that if you don’t believe in the holy spirit you are really just a worshipper and follower of Satan. That is a bare faced lie.

David Unman

Dear David Uninformed,

Please read my commentary for this edition. You will see that when it comes to the things of God there is no such thing as a lie. Just as long as it furthers Christ’s agenda. Hallelujah!

Dear Pastor Jake

Hi, it’s me again, the emissary for Pylism. I have done as you have said and started to delegate the more boring jobs I have to do, to my members, thus freeing up more of my time for fun activities like watching movies and eating snacks. I even promised them all sorts of rewards after they die and it really has worked. They want to work their butts off for those rewards. He he he he he!  A problem I am having though is that because I am the emissary for Pylism, people are wanting me to come up with divine predictions to prove that I really am hearing from God. What can I do?

Tucker Pyles (The Emissary for Pylism).

Dear Tucker

It’s a lot easier than you think to fool the people into believing you are divine and are hearing from some kind of a god. Con-artists have been using techniques to fool gullible people for centuries. Mediums, astrologers, tarot card readers, psychics, even preachers and faith healers... all of them are clued up in the art of these tricks. When it comes to predictions, the best thing you can do is state the obvious. Something that is bound to happen, like it’s going to rain somewhere on the planet in the next day or two. You can then disguise things that would probably never happen among those claims of things that will inevitably happen (like rain), so it makes the unlikely prediction seem more plausible.

For instance:

You could make the prediction that you are going to rise from the dead sometime after you die and then further predict that people will scoff and not believe you are going to rise from the dead. People will of course scoff and refuse to believe that you are going to rise from the dead just as you predicted, because they will, right? They will also scoff at many other claims you make and even claim that Pylism is a false religion and thus reject it. It’s obvious that people will scoff at any ludicrous claims you make. It's obvious they will reject nonsense.

You can then point out how divine the 2^nd prophecy is. You can say, “You are all scoffing just like I predicted! You are all rejecting my teachings just as I predicted!”   People will then realise that your 2nd prediction was spot on and thus your 1^st prediction will more likely be taken seriously!

Believe me, Tucker. It will work. Christians have used that 2^nd prophecy to support the 1^st prophecy for centuries, when it comes to Jesus! HALLELUJAH!

Disclaimer: UBBA Magazine in no way endorse the methods recommended by Aunty Lil

Well here we are. This is the last ever parenting advice I’m going to give UBBA Magazine readers. I have decided that you are all just a lost cause as none of you have a clue about how to parent your children. Not only that I am getting my son Tucker writing in pretending to be different people saying I am the worst mother ever and that I give the worst advice. Every month he sends in piles of letters. Just this last month I got over 100 letters from Tucker, all written in different hand writing with different names, each one condemning me… yes ME, the world’s GREATEST mother! I’m not having it. None of you will get to enjoy my wisdom anymore and you can blame TUCKER for that! No more, I say. No more!

My final talk today will be my last installment to do with education. We talked about teaching your brat English, Maths and Science. This month I briefly cover all the others.

Geography

Travelling the globe is the best way to teach your little shits about the world. Of course I would never take any of my annoying brats overseas, but they got to see a bit of New Zealand. The best thing I found was just to drop them off in the country somewhere and leave them to fend for themselves for a few days. They learnt a lot about geography that way! Another time I abandoned Tucker, when he was 8 years old, in Auckland city while I spent a few nights in a swanky hotel on the North Shore. He learnt more in those few days than any school could have taught him!

Music

Now, the last thing you want is your brat getting a taste for Heavy Metal, Rap or Hip Hop. The best thing to do is force them to listen to Barber Shop quartets, church choirs or Cliff Richard. They’ll learn to hate music so much they’ll never want to listen to the modern stuff.

As for teaching them musical instruments, the last thing you want is them destroying your peace and quiet with God-awful playing of things like violins or flutes. And you definitely don’t want them on the drums or bagpipes. If you do want your child to learn a musical instrument, try a plain old hair comb. Get them plucking on that instead. It will keep them entertained for hours.

History

Why go to the trouble of teaching them history when you can simply sit them down in front of the TV set and get them to watch a historical movie. Braveheart is one of my favourites, although some killjoys keep saying its one of the most historically inaccurate movies ever. Rubbish!

Sex Education

I’m gonna go on record here and tell you willfully ignorant parents that this should NEVER be included in a child’s education. Let them remain ignorant about this. After all you certainly don’t want your juvenile delinquent to reproduce, do you? I certainly wouldn’t want my moronic son, Tucker producing more moronic offspring. Best they remain ignorant about sex.

............................

Well, that’s all the pearls of wisdom I have for you. Now it’s time for you all to go out and put all this stuff into action. Enough of the lousy parenting ok? 

Good riddance to you all. (Although you will see me back in UBBA Magazine with a new feature soon).

In this new regular feature, Mad Dave Harris brings you a television show from the past and gives his spin on it.

This Edition:

ONLY IN HAZZARD:

•Are everybody cousins, uncles, aunties, nephews and nieces, but never brothers, sisters, mothers and fathers
•Do road works never get finished and bridges never get repaired.
•Do you wait for the last possible moment before driving to town to meet a mortgage payment deadline.
•Is there always a dip in the road just when you need it.
•Is it a few minutes drive to every other county in the State
•Is everything only a brief detour away from where you are heading.
•Is working with ladders considered the most hazardous job around
•Is fishing considered the most hazardous pass time around
•Is a soft blow over the head or back able to knock you out cold.
•Is a horrendous crash, one you can escape without injury or death.
•Is an off road race between a Dodge Charger and a Wrangler Jeep considered an even contest.
•Is a man determined to get revenge on his enemy by framing them to put them in prison, for foiling his plots to….. frame them and put them in prison for foiling his plots to…… frame them and put them in prison for…. well you get the picture.
•Even with a five minutes head start your pursuer will always end up on your tail within 5 seconds.
•Can you plunge towards the ground in a car at a 90 degree angle and still land on all 4 wheels without any frontal damage to the car.
•Can you interrupt someone talking on a CB
•Can you hold an effortless conversation over the CB
•Can you strike a deal of 50% of 50%.
•No matter how many times you get caught in a speed trap, you continue to drive around oblivious to the likelihood of another one.
•Villains come in pairs….. and they’ll always be secretly working for Boss Hogg……. and Boss Hogg will always double cross them.
•No crooked cop or politician ever wants to see anyone physically hurt, but is quite happy to destroy other people’s lives for their own financial gain.
•And finally… only in Hazzard – no matter what horrible despicable thing someone does to you, no matter how often they do it and even if you know they’ll do it again, you still do everything in your power to help them when they need it and you still invite them in for Christmas dinner.

Disclaimer: UBBA Magazine advises you not to take Uncle Tuck's advice... unless you are a moron, in which case the world would be better off without you.

Remember, if you too have a problem (no matter how stupid it is... even if its a made up one) just send in your letter and Uncle Tucker will attempt to solve it.

Hi, ubbheads! It's your Uncle Tuck, back to rake the muck... I mean clean up the muck. That means I'm going to help you solve all your dirty little problems. 

Before I do though, I simply must make a stand. I am getting sick and tired of the lack of respect I get from the Editor of UBBA Magazine. Last month he would not publish my letter to him in its entirety and I'm livid! So I sent another letter to him for this edition, and by curry, it better be printed. Completely!  There is no way I'm going to let the editor of this magazine just step and and edit out important things that I...   {Editor's note = The rest of this verbal diarrhea has been removed. Now on with "solving" your problems}

Dear Uncle Tuck

Hi, I’m the guy who has been wearing masks to hide my identify from the police. Last edition you told me to wear a Michael Jackson mask to get a teacher who thinks I’m a 10 year old kid to stop taking an unhealthy interest in me. You told me to use a mask of Michael when he was a kid. That has just got me into even more trouble. The teacher who has been making the moves on me freaked out and is calling me a fraud. Telling me I can’t possibly be Michael Jackson as Michael was an adult and he died 7 years ago! She is now demanding to know my true identity. She is demanding I remove the mask. I don’t want to have to flee and be on the run again, but what can I do?

BTW, I still haven’t been able to read UBBA Magazine as it is blocked at this school due to containing obscene material unsuitable for children. Yet, I hear that police have been searching schools for a Michael Jackson lookalike, so I put on an Prince mask instead. Did you do what I asked last month and not publish my letter in UBBA Magazine? Please don’t publish this letter or any future ones I write. PLEEEEASE.

Cornered

Reply

Relax, dude, your letter and my reply will not be published in UBBA Magazine. I assure you. As for your new problem, I would have thought the solution would be obvious. Put another mask on underneath the Jackson mask… or underneath the Prince mask, so that when you remove it she will think you are the person underneath. Why not put on a zombie mask underneath instead of a famous person? She will surely be repulsed by you if she thinks you’re a zombie and will stop making advances on you.

Dear Uncle Tuck

I am so annoyed at my husband because he keeps leaving the toilet seat lid up all the time. So when I go and sit down I end up on the cold rim of the bowl. It’s disgusting! How do I get him to remember to put the seat down?

Flushing Annoyed

Reply

Why is it that you women think you have the right to have the seat down? If I were your husband, I’d be annoyed at you leaving the seat down all the time, because when I went to pee I would pee all over the seat by accident! Why can’t you look down before you sit? If you’d been to a school like mine as a kid, you would have learnt to always look down first before you sat, in case there were thumbtacks on your chair. There were ALWAYS thumbtacks on mine, but you didn’t see me writing into a help-column whining and asking how I could stop people from putting them on my chair!  Just get over it, woman! Do what I do. Get myself a plate of food and sit down on that toilet seat and enjoy the ambience.

Dear Uncle Tuck

I find that when I am in a social or even work situation, people keep interrupting me and it’s always with something vacuous and stupid.  I would like to know what…

Reply

Let me stop you right there. If people are gonna keep interrupting you, then do what I do. Go have a snack.

Dear Uncle Tuck

I am so fed up with my overbearing mother. She is always taking over everything I do, demanding that I do things her way. She treats me like a child. As if I can’t do anything on my own. If I try to stand up to her, she goes mental and it just gets worse. She is always interfering!

Smothered.

Reply

You ought to know by now that parents always know best! My son Tucker is still trying to figure that one out. He thinks that even though he’s in his 40s that he can do what he likes. Well he’s mistaken! I’m still in charge! I am still his mother and because of that he’s going to darn well do what I tell him to do! You should do the same when it comes to your mother!

Aunty Lil  

Disclaimer: All articles in this magazine are the views of the authors and none of it is to be taken seriously. Interviews are purely fictional and letters are not written by the assigned people.

All writings copyrighted, UBBA Magazine 2017