Edition 16 - January 2018

 

Hi everyone and welcome to the 16^th edition of UBBA Magazine. We hope you’re ready for some laughs, because there are plenty to be had. If you take offence at any of it, then tough shit. We’re not here to pander to politically correct eejits.

 

This month we have plenty going on. Once again Colin Hewgill is back and he will conclude his interview with Satan. I’m sure you will agree that Satan has got a bit of a bad rap over the centuries and it’s all thanks to the Christians. They seem to love giving people a bad rap. 

 

Speaking of Satan, no there are no nude pictures of the Prophet Mohammed in this edition of UBBA. It was decided that they would be too obscene and cause too much offence to those who find images of naked men repulsive. I for one would have refused to do this intro if there had been any. 

 

Speaking of causing offence, you must read Pastor Jake's words of godly wisdom this edition. I tell you, he makes some great points and even I have to admit his arguments for the existence of imaginary gods is a good one.

 

Well Aunty Lil threatened to return with a new column and she is doing that this edition. She has decided that she will be reviewing well known movies. Her first movie she will be reviewing is the original Star Wars (a little late, but yet somehow appropriate). I have a bad feeling we are going to like this column as much as we liked her dubious parenting advice. (not much at all)

 

I would like to point out something and that’s in no way should anyone be taking the advice of Uncle Tuck. Seriously! I don’t get it, but it seems people insist on ignoring the disclaimer we make every edition and take Tucker seriously. Now I don't normally like to give advice, and you'll rarely see it from me, but if you are to listen to any advice made in this magazine this edition, then please… PLEASE take this advice: Do not take Uncle Tuck’s advice. He may be serious with his advice, but it’s still advice that should be laughed at nothing more. So that advice again? Don’t take Uncle Tuck’s advice.

 

Now I advise you to get reading… 

 

Rex Cassidy

 

 

I have just heard something horrific. I have just found out that my mother… Aunty Lil to UBBA Magazine readers… is going to be the writer of a brand new column in UBBA Magazine this edition. She is going to be reviewing movies! You can’t allow her to do this. She does not deserve to be on the writing staff at all. You saw the horrible parenting advice she used to give. Please don’t put her back on the writing staff. Please? Pretty please? With Ice cream…  no wait no ice cream, you’re not getting my ice cream. Just ensure that she does NOT get to do anymore writing for UBBA Magazine! Or ELSE
Tucker Pyles (UBBA Magazine Columnist)

 

{Threat received and ignored}

 

 

I think it’s great that there is going to be new events like Skipping races and Synchronized Wrestling at the next Olympics. I think though we should be including events from other favourite pastimes throughout the world. Like Bar events. Yes, let’s including drinking games. Like who can drink the most before passing out. Also spitting and burping contests too. Imagine the world records. The longest distance spat. The loudest burp. It would be awesome!

Barney Gumble (Springfield - USA)

 

{We’re sure it’s only a matter of time}

 

 

I am so sorry to see the last of Aunty Lil’s parenting advice column. She is truly a very wise women. I just wish I had known some of those techniques when I was doing nannying. They would have been far less hassle to implement than the ones I’ve recommended in the past.

Jo Frost (London)

 

 

I am really missing Rog Fisher’s fishing advice column he used to do for UBBA Magazine, “Fish & Tips”. I always got a good laugh reading that column, especially considering he never actually seemed to get any fishing done as he always ended up in a bar or something instead. I was saddened when he decided to stop doing it. What’s he doing now that he is no longer writing for UBBA?

Graeme Sinclair (New Zealand) 

 

{He’s been doing a lot of fishing apparently. Seriously!}

 

 

 

Feel free to write in letters about your opinions about UBBA Magazine. We would love to hear from you.

 

If you have any regular articles you would like to add to UBBA Magazine please contact us. We are always on the look out for contributors and will give you credit where credit is due.

 

 

Simply contact the administrator of Recker’s World

 

 

Interviewer = Colin Hewgill

Guest = Satan

 

 

Colin: Welcome back to Session two… of my interview with Satan… and hopefully the last one. This Satan seems to be a bit of a Nancy boy. He made a pass at me while we were having a beer. Keep your hands to yourself, buckweed! I’m warning you!

 

Satan: Sorry.

 

Colin: Ok, I’d like to talk about how things came about with the falling out between you and God. Christians tell us that you rebelled. That you thought you could be equal to God. You didn’t want to be under his domain. YOU wanted to rule.

 

Satan: Sigh! Now how stupid do you think I am? Are you really seriously suggesting that myself, a mere angel would ever think he had a chance to get the better of God? I may be a lot of things, but I’m not dumb. In fact, many people claim I am very clever and cunning. I am an intelligent being, so why would I ever think I would stand a chance against God? Only a complete and utter moron would rebel against such a being… UNLESS…

 

Colin: Unless what? There wasn’t enough beer?

 

Satan {snickering}: If that were only the problem, but you are on the right track. The reason we rebelled was out of PRINCIPLE! The only real logical reason why anyone would rebel against an all-powerful, invincible being like God. We rebelled because God was a complete and utter tyrant. He was a cruel task master who demanded instant obedience and worship. I mean, come on, you can see that in the Old Testament of the bible, right? God’s a “my way or the highway” type of deity. He will unleash his wrath for the most minor of infringements, like picking up sticks on the Sabbath or calling a prophet of his “baldy”. Now you try living under his iron fist, especially after seeing him executing angel after angel simply for minor screw ups. This guy’s rules were just so stringent and so inflexible, it made our lives a living hell. He wouldn’t listen to our complaints. In the end, we had no choice but to rebel. We couldn’t go on living under his thumb like that. We couldn’t go on suffering. So, we got the hell out of there. Of course, God wanted to demonise us. Make us look as though WE were the villains, so he made up the story about how we hated him and wanted to be like him.

 

Colin: This sounds a little like your word against God’s, buckweed. How do we know you’re telling the truth?

 

Satan: It’s perfectly logical. Like I said, I’m not stupid. Why would I think I could ever be as powerful as God? Why would I think I could win against him? It makes absolutely no sense that we would rebel due to ego or due to just being evil bastards. The only thing that makes sense is that we rebelled on principle. Because of the abominable way God treated us.

 

Colin: So what about all these claims that you want to destroy everything he created? Have as many human beings sent to Hell along with you as possible?

 

Satan: Pure nonsense. Like I said in the previous session, why would I want to waste my time running around trying to do all that for? I have better things to do. I’d rather be taking it easy or having fun. Contrary to what Christians think, I am not psychotic and I’m not just fantasizing about how I can do harm to every single human on the planet. If I was like that, it would because I had been created with a warped mind.

 

Colin: But doesn’t it give you a sense of satisfaction when a human does reject God? It must do, right? Knowing that God failed to gain the loyalty of a human.

 

Satan {snickering}: I’ll admit, I do get a little enjoyment when I hear of people rejecting God. But more should, because he’s not the loving deity he likes to claim he is. I mean what sort of loving deity would create a Hell for humans?

 

Colin: Wait… I know what the bible says about Hell. It says God created Hell for YOU! You and all your demons! Not for humans.

 

Satan {snickering}: Come onnnnnn! Do you really believe that crap? God’s omniscient. He knew full well when he created Hell that he was going to be burning the majority of his human creations in there. That’s like creating a gun and saying it was only to kill animals with. Of course the gun is going to be used to kill humans too. God knew what he was doing when he created Hell. But that’s the type of God he is. He enjoys making his creations suffer.

 

Colin: Look, you seem like an ok guy, but this could all just be a big put-on, just to make yourself look reasonable. You might be hiding your evil, conniving self from us. Making up a whole lot of shit just to mislead us. That’s what the bible tells us you’re like. A wolf in sheep’s clothing. Appearing to be light when you’re darkness.

 

Satan:  Good God, Colin… I’ve pointed out where the bible is clearly wrong. Where its simply irrational and illogical in its claims. You still want to say I’M the one who’s being deceptive? Perhaps I’m not the deceptive one? Perhaps I’ve just been given a bad rap.

 

Colin: Then why have you done nothing before now to counter that bad rap?

 

Satan:  Like I said, I’m just an angel. I don’t have the resources or the power that God has. I can’t just perform miracles with the spoken word. I can’t just make things happen via magic like God does. I can’t control humans. I can’t control what they say or do. I’ve tried to do certain things to show I’m not such a bad guy, but God just shuts it all down and cancels it all out. He wants everyone to believe I’m scum.

 

Colin: Funny, in his interview with Vanessa recently, he tried to tell us you weren’t such a bad guy. That he even kind of liked you and missed having you around.

 

Satan: God has mood swings. You can see that. Some times he’s nice, sometimes he’s nasty. The nice times are far and few between.  It only takes one little thing for him to go all wrathful and start destroying cities. He loves sending earthquakes, tsunamis, hurricanes, etc etc. Oh and don’t forget the disease and pestilence. You would never see me sending things like that, even if I could.

 

Colin: Alright, alright, you’ve convinced me. You’re not such a bad guy. Just don’t expect me to worship you, that’s all.

 

Satan: The last thing I want is worship. My ego is not as huge as God's. I just want to have fun. Just like we all do. Sometimes I can get a little carried away, but who doesn’t? I mean I’ve seen God drinking. You don’t wanna be around when he gets drunk, I tell you!

 

Colin: Speaking of getting drunk. Want to go have a few more beers?

  

Satan: Sounds like a plan.

 

 

 

Our resident roving reporter Wal (Will Ullman) reports on one of UBBA Magazine's headlines...

 

 

Loch Ness Monster CAPTURED!

  

The Legend of the Lochness Monster always fascinated me. The thought that there was some kind of dinosaur living at the bottom of that lake. My favourite band, “The Police” even sung about it in their song “Synchronicity II”. It goes… Many miles away something crawls from the slime at the bottom of a dark Scottish lake.”

 

That intrigued me even more.

 

They say if it were a dinosaur, it would have been a Plesiosaurus although the chances of it surviving for so long are about as likely as a donut remaining on Tucker Pyles plate for more than 5 seconds. Virtually impossible. But hey, I decided I was going to solve this Loch Ness Monster mystery once and for all, so I hopped on a plane, flew to Edinburgh, spent a week there then did the trip up to the Highlands and on to Loch Ness.

 

Now there would be absolutely no mystery about this creature if I’d read about it in a Biggles book. Yeah, Biggles. I used to read them as a kid and the author has this fascination for big sea creatures, which would appear in the odd book and have a go and Biggles or one of his buddies. Well one of those books took Biggles to Scotland, to the high lands and the lochs but not once did any big creature come out of any loch and have a go at him. So yeah, of course I’m skeptical about such a beast. If it had been there, Biggles would have seen it!

 

So anyway, I do the old boat ride out on the loch and I’m not seeing anything. Further more, the guide on the boat tells us that the first sighting of Nessie was back in 565AD, when Nessie mauled a human and dragged him down under the water. Geeze, this sounds like a story the Crocodile Hunter might have told. But at that point I’m convinced it’s all crap now. A plesiosaurus would not have done that to a human. They ate fish and had small mouths. No way a Plesiosaurus is the culprit in that story. No way is that creature that aggressive. If it was, we’d have proof of it by now. It’d be needing to feed on humans or animals on a regular basis!

 

So there’s been other so-called sightings since, inspired by that legend and they all conflict with it. Yeah, sure they tend to describe the creature similarly to each other, but it’s beginning to sound too much like bloody Near Death Experiences… or should I say hallucinations. All coming up with similar ideas, but the differences in the stories are the most telling evidence that it’s all bullshit.

 

So anyway, I’m back on land and I’m rather disappointed. No Lochness monster. Hell, even the little township of Fort Augustus doesn’t make a big deal about it. Nobody there telling tales of the monster. A few kiddies T shirts in a shop maybe, but not much else. No piles of Nessie cuddly toys. Very little Nessie merchandise at all. It’s like nobody there cares. Maybe the locals figure that the tale is a load of crap, they all know it, so there’s no point… and it’s just not ethical to try to fleece the tourists anymore.

 

So there I am on the banks of the loch, feeling a failure. I hadn’t proven or disproven the existence of the monster. But then helloooooo what’s that bobbing its ugly head out of the water? It’s NESSIE! It’s bloody Nessie, right there in front of me!  I can hardly believe it man! It’s drifting towards me, drawing nearer! Holy Hell! It’s the fucking Loch Ness bloody monster! I reach forward and I give it a stroke only to find that what I’m stroking is a log of bloody driftwood!

 

So there we have it folks. The mystery of the Loch Ness monster has finally been solved. All along the Loch Ness monster was just a bloody piece of wood. 

 

And you learnt that from me, Will Ullman. You’re welcome!

 

 

A rant against radio stations

By Vanessa Dante

 

I like to listen to the radio. I like to keep up to date on the latest music, the latest news and the latest gossip on what goes on in celebrity’s bedrooms. I normally have the radio wake me up on the morning to one particular station and enjoy the banter that goes on between the DJs. Well, all accept for one DJ that has the most irritating laugh you’ve ever heard. How did that person ever get a job on radio?

I have to say though that there are some things that do kind of tick me off when it comes to radio stations. For one thing, why is it there is always at least one really annoying song that is played every day at exactly the same time? It’s usually when you’re in bed trying to wake up, so you’re still too drowsy to reach over and change stations when the song comes on.

Perhaps there should be some feature on the radio where you can outlaw the playing of annoying songs. Something where you can program in which songs you absolutely refuse to listen to and when that song comes on you get elevator music playing instead. Or at least something better than that irritating song.

Even better let’s have a radio that can avoid playing any artist you can’t stand. For instance, a radio that will NEVER play Justin Bieber or music by any One Direction member. Wouldn’t that be wonderful? Instead of those artists, perhaps the radio can be programmed to immediately kick in and replace that dross with REAL musical from bands like Pink Floyd, Queen, Muse or the hundreds of other great artists that have been, gone and still are.

I’m sure in this day and age of technology, radios should easily be made with such features, don’t you?

Something I’d like to see from radio stations are competitions where people really DO have to win to be given prizes. Way too often I’m hearing people on the radio being given clue after clue to the answer of some simple question, still not getting it and being given a prize anyway…

 

‘Who sang “Billie Jean”?’ 

‘Errr… oohh I can’t remember…’

‘It was a skinny black guy who had so much plastic surgery his nose was falling off.’

‘Oh… umm.. yeah, I know who that was. Ohhh… I can’t remember his name.’

‘He had a chimp named Bubbles and liked to hang out with young boys.”

‘Oh… was it, Morgan Freeman?’

‘No, Morgan’s a movie actor.’

‘Will Smith?’

‘No! The guy we're after wasn’t a rap or a TV star.  He had a hit selling album called “Thriller” and he lived in a ranch called “Neverland”. ‘

‘Errr…’

‘He died nearly 10 years ago and people used to refer to him as Whacko.’

‘Oh I know! Prince! It was Prince!’

‘…Yeah, that’s near enough, we’ll give you the prize. Congratulations!’

 

Most radio competitions are so ridiculously easy that there is no challenge. If you’re going to have a competition at least make it a little challenging and don’t just give prizes away to morons!

Seriously, this is no joke but there was once a competition where a radio station was giving out Adele tickets. They rang people’s numbers… people who’d entered the competition by texting their numbers into the radio station. The people had to answer their phones by singing “Hello…. It’s me.”  Most people didn’t do that and were then prompted to do it by the DJ rather than being disqualified like they should have been. Even then most of them would speak it not sing it. They’d still be given the tickets anyway! Seriously? They never sang the line and they still get the prize? Why have the competition at all if you’re not going to force people to obey the rules? The prizes should go to someone who actually makes an effort, surely?

 

By the way radio DJs, it doesn’t really matter if the news is not on time and it’s actually still ok to play John Lennon songs. And you don’t have to give every DJ a nickname ending in “ee” or “za”. That really is kind of lame. Please try to be original like the DJs of old. Wolfman Jack, is there any DJ left like you? Swampy Marsh, are you still in our breakfast? Howling Chick Howell… were you even a real DJ? (Hey, I’m certainly not old enough to have ever heard these guys on the radio, but their names sound cool)

 

Even a non-existent god can be shown to exist!

 

No doubt you’ve come across many heathens, my brothers and sisters, who challenge you as to God’s existence. They say that they have prayed many times but have had no answers. Of course we all know that God ALWAYS answers prayers. It may be that it’s just not the answer we want.

 

Sometimes it might be a yes! Sometimes it might be a no! Sometimes it might be a wait. Sometimes God may have bigger and better plans in store for us. It could be that he just wants us to suffer! Praise God! There is always a reason. Your evil Satan-loving friends might try to claim that if you use that reasoning, then you might as well just say “whatever will be, will be” and that prayer has no real effect. You could get the same results even from a non-existent God. But isn’t that wonderful, my brothers and sisters? Even if God DIDN’T exist, we can still make the same claim that he ALWAYS answers prayers. HALLELUUUUJAHHHH!  Even if we don’t get any positive results from our prayer we can just claim he is just saying “no” or he is just saying “wait”! GLORY BE TO GOD!

 

Those dirty heathens, those sin-loving scum may try to taunt you. They might say, if God is real, why is he blessing non-Christians? Surely it should only be Christians that win the lottery? Surely God would be providing protection for Christians in all circumstances instead of letting them be murdered or raped by Muslim terrorists. Surely all Christians should be in tip top health. They should be happy and full of peace and joy, etc etc.

 

No, my brothers and sisters! That is a lie from the devil. No matter what happens to us there is always a good reason. God is in charge! He controls what happens to us. If we are a child living in an extremely abusive situation, then that is the way God intended it. He decided that you should be in that situation. Maybe it is because he knows what an evil little shit you will turn out to be so is punishing you in his usual loving manner, IN advance. Or he is punishing you for the sins of your forefathers. Or perhaps he wants to test you and demonstrate his great love for you in the process. There is always a reason.

 

This is the reality of the situation, my brothers and my sisters:

 

If you are good and good things happen to you it's "God's blessing"

If you are good and bad things happen to you, you are "being tested".

If you are bad and good things happen "God's grace is upon you"

If you are bad and bad things happen it's because you are being punished.

 

Praise the lord! Just look at that list, my brothers and sisters! The evil atheist could claim that these are all excuses for a non-existent God. They say that God could be non-existent and you could still make all these claims!  But that is the beauty of it! Even if God WAS non-existent, we can STILL make these claims! We can still use these excuses to convince people he is real. HALLELUUUUUUUJAH!!

 

Isn’t it great to know, my brothers and sisters, that even if God were non-existent, we could still conjure up reasons to believe in him. PRAISE THE LORD!!

 

 

 Letters

 

 

Dear Pastor Jake

Hi, it’s me again, the emissary for Pylism. I have been doing what you suggested and making prophecies that are more like predictions of inevitable events than divine prophecies and it’s working. My idiot followers are falling for it hook line and sinker. I recently made a prediction that people will reject Pylism and people have been! So my followers can now know that I am a divine prophet.  I have also made predictions that people will prefer doing sinful things rather than becoming a Pylist and that has turned out to be true too! Ha ha ha. Nevertheless, many people love sin so much they won’t accept me as their emissary. The problem I am having now is that people are not taking my threats seriously when I say they will be damned to Hell. I tell them that when they die they are going to be pulled from their graves and put on trial. innocent until proven guilty. And if they are shown to be guilty, I will have my henchmen throw them into a fiery furnace and they will be eradicated completely. This threat was great to begin with. It worked on the most gullible of my followers, but others do not seem to be scared by this. They still scoff and they still reject me. What do I do, Pastor Jake?

Tucker Pyles (The Emissary for Pylism).

 

Dear Tucker

Well of course people are not going to be afraid. Being burnt to death is pretty horrific, but not that horrific and will be over pretty quickly.  If you want people to dedicate their lives to you and give up everything, there needs to be more of a threat… more terror… more motivation to get them to follow you. You have to make Hell sound so absolutely horrific that it scares even the bravest of souls. You have to turn it into eternal suffering if you wish to scare people more effectively. Burning for all eternity is the most horrific of thoughts. Sure, nobody will be able to claim you are a loving emissary, but you’re not after love, right? You’re just after power, worship and riches. You want people to grovel at your feel like every other god ever invented by man. 

 

One other thing. Don’t consider people innocent until proven guilty. Consider them guilty until proven innocent. They are evil and sinful by DEFAULT! GUILTY by default! Just like with Jesus Christ. That is a much scarier thought. HALLELUJAH! 

 

 

Dear Pastor Jake

I read your reply to my previous letter to you and all you have shown me is that you are a deluded man. A false prophet. If you were a true Christian, you would know that I am a true Christian. I am not full of demons like you clearly are.  I have the holy spirit in me. It is you that needs deliverance, Pastor Jake. It is you that is clearly a false Christian.

Miss C Templeton

 

Dear Miss Corrupt Temptress,

You cannot possibly have the holy spirit in you if you accuse me, Pastor Jake of being a false Christian. The holy spirit in me tells me that you are the one who is deceived. You are the one pretending to be a Christian when you clearly are a hateful evil sinner… probably even an atheist… Someone who loves sin and loves Satan. That should be clear to any true Christian. You must pay penance for your evil. Repent now! Sell all your belongings and send all your money to Pastor Jake Ministries if you do not want our loving Jesus to roast you alive for all eternity.

 

 

Dear Pastor Jake

I see that often in your commentaries and your replies to letters you condemn atheists as evil people. What I find ludicrous is that you call them lovers of Satan. I bet you’ve even accused someone of being a lover of Satan in this edition of UBBA. Don’t you realise that if you are an atheist you are not going to believe in any Satan? So how can you love something you don’t believe in?

Mr John Collins (Nice-Guy Atheist)

 

Dear Mr Satan-Loving Atheist.

The fact that you are writing such a letter to me PROVES that you are a Satan-loving person. Only someone who loves Satan would ever criticise me… one of God’s chosen. You may claim not to believe in God or Satan, but I know better. You simply hate God and love Satan. The bible tells us that none is without excuse. We can all see that God’s existence is obvious. Thus Satan’s existence must also be obvious too! We can see Satan’s existence in the letter you have written me and in the horrible woman’s letter before this one.

 

 

Dear Pastor Jake

I love your talk in last edition of UBBA Magazine, telling us that we should be liars for Christ.  This is fantastic. After all, if we are honest about the bible, then we are going to turn people away from Jesus in droves. We need to hide the horrible stuff and twist the stupidity. We need to make the bible and Christianity more palatable to people somehow by twisting and turning. shucking and jiving… in an attempt to have it make sense and show God in a positive light.

Frank Hester

 

Dear Frank

Yes indeed. That is why we have Apologetics, a whole from of Christian teaching that allows Christians to twist and turn and justify the bible. This wouldn’t be needed at all if the bible was as clear and straight forward as people try to tell us it is. Having the holy spirit is also a huge advantage too, as it allows us to be more creative in our justifications, twists and turns. You too can have the holy spirit too, Frank, if you become part of Pastor Jake’s ministries. Send in money to the ministry and become part of the TRUE Christian church where you can hear from the REAL holy spirit. Not the evil one that people like Miss Corrupt Temptress claims to have, contaminating her soul. 

 

 

Making Money on Threr

 

This edition we continue to learn about how to make money on Threr

 

Entertainment

Once again, things work differently on Threr than they do on Earth. On Earth, we would pay to go to see a movie, or a stage show. We’d pay money to visit a theme park or zoo. But on Threr is works the other way around. These places will pay you to enjoy these activities.

Those who make movies seem to get great pleasure in showing them off to the world. Zoos really want you to see their animals. People put on stage shows for the simple pleasure of performing in front of an audience. Actors will even pay film and show producers money to appear in them.

But before you question how a movie producing company can possibly afford to film high budget, special-effects-filled movies for free, you need to consider something. Movie making companies are paid millions do these movies. People want them made and will pay huge amounts of money to see it done.

Threrrians do not think about making profit and are willing to pay whatever it takes to get the job done.

 

Food Production

As well as selling second-hand goods, every Threrrian is actively involved in producing their own food as mentioned in an earlier chapter. They will then sell to recycling organisations etc.

 

Gaming

On Threr there are many special gaming establishments where people go and can win large amounts of money. They are set up a lot like Earth casinos except that Threrrian ones act more as charitable organisations, there to help spread the wealth rather than hoard it. Many rich Threrrians will even donate huge amounts of money to these gaming venues to help spread the wealth.

Going to one of these gaming venues you can choose to play at Tols machines, where you can press a button and be rewarded with cash or with tokens that you can then cash in. Those charitable Threrrians choose to come to these venues and deposit huge amounts of money into the machines for other people to win.

Card games are also a popular way to win money. Once again some wealthy Threrrians will donate lump sums of cash to be involved in these games. Threrrians get very excited at the thought of giving up their hard earned cash at facilities such as this, even though they have no idea who will eventually get their generous donations.

There is one famous city on Threr that specialises in a lot of these gaming venues and has made a name for itself around the planet. That is known as Sigave Sal, also known as Niss Voh Eetiss, i.e. The City of Virtues.

 

Housing

A large source of a Threrrians income comes from the payment of money for living in houses. No, Threrrians do not pay rent or mortgages; in fact, they are paid to live in their houses. Tenants and house owners are paid exorbitant amounts of cash just to live from week to week. Why is this? This is a tough one to answer. It seems that Threrrians are very proud of the structures they build and want people to live in them. Because so many Threrrians are building houses, there is a lot of competition, thus Threrrians are able to demand more money for living in those places.

The same thing applies to commercial property. A business can make a huge amount of money by setting up offices to run their businesses.  

 

In this new regular feature, Mad Dave Harris brings you a television show from the past and gives his spin on it.

 

This Edition:

What would you do if you had your own genie? Well this sitcom shows you what not to do if you ever have one. That is, don’t be a Major Nelson!

 

Major Nelson was a complete and utter pillock. Jeannie herself was an airhead, but she was pretty darn hot so that made up for her stupidity, but what was Nelson’s excuse? Here he has this gorgeous genie who’s just itching to grant him wishes and he doesn’t want anything granted. He’d rather continue on with his life as usual and never gain any benefits from his genie. Never achieve his wildest dreams or have everything he wants unless it’s done the normal way… without magic.

 

Nobody in their right mind would be like Major Nelson if they had their own genie. Talk about an unrealistic show! If you’ve got a genie, you’re gonna make use of her in any way you possibly can. You’re gonna take advantage of those unlimited wishes. How about some realism here? Gordon Bennett!

 

Alright, alright, I know Jeannie screws everything up. She always does. No matter what she does to try to help Major Nelson something always goes wrong. She’s incompetent, right? so it’s no wonder Nelson won’t let her use her magic.

 

But wait! All that chump has to do is supervise her! Take her by the hand and instruct her on everything she has to do, one thing at a time. Make sure that she does it exactly the way he wants it done. Surely that would have worked?

 

Half the bloody reason she gets carried away is because she’s being caged in. Not able to be herself. So what do you expect from her? It’s like a kid who’s got so many rules, that sometimes they just blow a fuse and they do stupid things. All Jeannie needs is a little more freedom to be able to exercise her powers once and a while, that’s all. Just make sure that you, Major Nelson are supervising this and what can go wrong?

 

But no, you’re a complete mug.

 

You don’t deserve your own genie, because you don’t make any constructive use out of her. Imagine all the good you could do if you just used her. You could end starvation, homelessness and crime. You could bring about world peace. Even make Donald Trump into presidential material, But no, sir, you don’t. 

 

You’re an ASS Major Nelson. An ASS!

 

In this new regular feature,

Aunty Lil reviews a famous movie from the past. 

 

This Edition:

 

I had really high hopes for this movie, but unfortunately the New Hope was completely Hopeless.

 

What an absolutely appalling movie this is. What do people see in it? It’s nothing but the glorifying of an incestuous relationship between a boy and his sister. You have this boy lusting after his sister and doing everything he can to rescue her so that he might have sex with her some time down the track. DISGUSTING!

 

Oh don’t you start! Don’t go trying to tell me he didn’t know that she was his sister! He jolly well knew it! Just like my son Tucker knew that his 10 year old cousin was… oh I am soo not going there. Needless to say, I’m not having that kind of filthy behaviour in my family and I don’t expect to see it in my movies either! Especially not so-called family entertainment!

 

Of course Luke Slyporker knew that Princess Layher was his sister! He had the Farce didn’t he? “Use the FARCE Luke!” The Farce would have made it clear to him. Which is another thing I’m not happy about. The Farce! A FALSE GOD! I’m a good Christian woman and there is only one God and that is Jesus Christ! He is the one that has turned me into the pure and holy woman I am today. The bible says quite clearly that any other God that is not Jesus is a FALSE God! The Farce is one such false god and nobody, not even Obi Wan Kingobi, should be drawing any kind of benefits from it!

 

Let’s not even get into the clearly Satanic side of this movie. Daft Vader and the Dork Side! That is all do with Satan nothing more. And when it comes down to it, the Farce is to do with Satan too as it’s a false God! Oh and don’t forget all those demoniac characters you see throughout this movie like the Jawas and the Tuskin Raiders!

 

Star Wars is a despicable move and not at all suitable for viewing at the movies. Don’t watch this movie or it will lure you to the Dork Side! Don’t let your children watch it! Avoid it at all costs!

 

Rating 1 star.

 

Disclaimer: UBBA Magazine advises you not to take Uncle Tuck's advice... unless you are a moron, in which case the world would be better off without you.

 

Remember, if you too have a problem (no matter how stupid it is... even if its a made up one) just send in your letter and Uncle Tucker will attempt to solve it.

 

Uuuurrrbbbarrrrrr! I'm Tucker Pyles and I am in a REAL bad mood at the moment, because of how the editor of this magazine treated me last edition, by interfering with my advice column and removing my words of wisdom. I have written yet another letter to him this month and he’d better get his act together and show me some ubbing respect! After all, I am the star of this show and I should be treated like a star, not…  {Editor's note = The rest of this crap from Uncle Tuck has been removed yet again. Now on with solving your problems… or at least attempting to…  snicker snicker}

 

  

Dear Uncle Tuck

My mother is getting very old now. She is 85 and really can’t look after herself anymore. However she refuses to go to an old folks home, nor can we afford a live-in nurse. What can I do to ensure she gets the help she needs?

Caring Daughter

 

Reply

Move in with the old biddy yourself. You can live there for free in exchange for being her care giver. You can insist she pays for all your expenses including food. Man, think about the daily feasts you can have at her expense. A constant supply of snacks and goodies all paid for by her. It won’t be for long. She’ll kick the bucket before too much longer anyway and she’ll leave you the entire house in her will due to being such a wonderful daughter!

 

 

Dear Uncle Tuck

This is crazy! I keep doing what you tell me to do by wearing different masks to hide my identity, but the police keep finding out about the masks I’m wearing. Next thing they were looking for a guy wearing a Prince mask masquerading as a school kid!  Are you doing as I asked and keeping my letters to you OUT of UBBA Magazine? I’m beginning to think that you are not and that you are publishing them, which is why the police keep finding out about my latest disguise! Please, I’m telling you… in fact I’m warning you. Keep this letter out of UBBA Magazine. Do NOT publish it! Otherwise the police may track me down. Fortunately though, I have managed to evade them again and am once more on the run. Or should I say WAS on the run. I did as you told me and wore a zombie mask, but next thing some guys rounded me up with shot guns and took me to the set of the TV show “The Walking Dead” thinking I was a REAL zombie! They intended to use me on the show to add realism. So now I am being kept prisoner by the show producers locked up in a cage. I might as well be back in jail! What do I do?

PS I managed to get Darrel to send you this letter.

Caged

 

Reply

I don’t know why you keep thinking we are still publishing your letters in UBBA Magazine. We’re not, because frankly we are sick of receiving letters from you. You don’t seem to have a clue about how to solve your own problems. If you would really rather be back in prison, then how about just removing the ubbing mask so people will know you’re not really a zombie?

 

 

Dear Uncle Tuck

I work with this buffoon called Tucker. He is the biggest fattest imbecile I have ever come across in my life. The thing is he thinks he’s Mr Wonderful, but he’s far from it. He has an IQ in negative fingers and he’s completely obsessed with food. I can’t believe that UBBA Magazine employ such a useless sack of crap to try to help people with their personal problems. Please, Uncle Tuck, tell us how we can get rid of this loser and replace him with someone who knows what they’re talking about, like that Will Ullman guy. He’s a real dude.

Bemused

 

Reply

Is that you, Wal, you ubbhead? It is isn’t it? You’re writing a letter into MY column with a made-up problem!  Who would do something like that? Especially considering you have hundreds of your own problems you can’t deal with… like how to stop being the world’s biggest ubbhead. My advice to you, ubbhead is to bow down and worship this Tucker guy's boots, even though you are unworthy to kiss his boots.  

 

 

Dear Uncle Tuck

I am really wanting to lose some weight. What diet would you recommend?

Overweight

 

Reply 

How dare you write to my column suggesting such filth? How dare you use such language? I will not allow the D word to be used in my advice column EVER! You heathen, you blasphemer!  To relieve yourself of the defilement of using the D word, go out and eat the biggest feast you possibly can and never think about di… never think about that sort of thing again!

 

 

Pete Cook and Tucker Pyles, head to the square at night to check out the statue of pirate captain Bjorn Van Heath, a statue which is rumoured to get up and walk on misty nights.

 

 

That night Pete was on duty in town with Tucker. 'I'd like to check out the statue of Van Heath while we're here. Maybe we can figure out the next riddle.'

'But it's spooky tonight,' Tucker said. 'Really misty. What if the statue gets up and walks?'

Pete rolled his eyes. 'You don't really take those stories seriously, do you?'

'The statue might be dangerous! It might eat us!'

'What have we got to lose…?’ Pete couldn't help but snicker. ‘…Apart from our lives.' He just loved to torment Tucker and here was an opportunity to do some more of that.

Tucker let out a whine of anguish.

It was 1:45am by the time the two arrived in the middle of Pringle's Square. It was deserted and even the Inn was closed.

'So there it is,' Pete said as they stood in front of the statue. The mist was so thick now they could only see a few feet in front of them. He started to speak in a spooky voice. 'That's it, Tucker... the eeeeevil, the sadisssstic, the horrific, man eating statue of Captain Bjorn Van Heeeeeath.'

Tucker whimpered.

'Can't you just feel the evil emanating from it?'

'Yes!'

'It's just waiting for the moment to STRIKE!' He grabbed Tucker by the shoulder.

'UUHHBBBBAAGGGGHHHH!' Tucker screamed.

Pete laughed as he made his way across the square. He thought about the next clue, "Only a sharp thinker with perfect vision can keep up the pace." 

With all the mist it was hard to see anything clearly. He walked towards anything he could see through the mist and came to a tree. He sighed. 'I don't know. Maybe we need to come back here during the day when we can see things more clearly.'

'Good idea!' Tucker said.

Pete turned back towards the statue. He could see it through the fog, but then suddenly an extra thick cloud of fog seemed to come out of nowhere and engulf the statue. For a moment all he could see was fog and no statue, but then the fog began to clear a little and then the statue reappeared. But then suddenly it moved. Its arm rose and it stood down from it's stand.

'What the hell...?'

Tucker turned and peered where Pete looked. He gasped. 'The statue! It's moving!'

'I know that you, dimwit!' Pete stared through the mist.

Even the parrot on the statue's shoulder moved now. What had been a statue a moment ago was now a real looking pirate, dressed in coloured robe, bandana and with a shiny cutlass in his hand.

The parrot let out a squawk which sent a shiver down Pete's spine. His legs had become stiff and he could hardly move, feeling like he himself was a statue. Tucker's hand clutched at his arm and he shivered. 'He's going to eat us!'

The statue moved rather jerkily, a little like a robot as it walked, but it didn't come towards them, it veered off and disappeared into the mist.

Pete finally came to his senses. 'We've got to follow him.'

'UUuuBBAAA! No way!'

'You stay here then. This has got to be some kind of a trick.'

Tucker didn't remain behind, he followed on after Pete as he ran forward into the mist. He jerked his head around from left to right to try to see where the pirate had gone. 'You go that way!' Pete ordered. 'I'll go the other.'

He didn't hang around to hear Tucker protest. He ran off again into the mist, hoping to figure out where the pirate had gone, but no matter which way Pete looked, he couldn't see the pirate. Then he heard a wild war cry, followed by a scream. He had no idea what made the war cry, but the scream was definitely Tucker's.

He ran back towards where the cry had come from and found Tucker lying on the ground.

'Tucker!' He crouched down beside him and slapped his face. 'Tucker, are you ok?'

Tucker groaned and opened his eyes. Then his eyes opened even wider and he jerked himself up to a sitting position. 'I saw him. The statue! He came lumbering out at me in the mist with his sword in the air and he screamed at me like he was going to kill me!'

'Well you're not dead. You're not even bleeding.'

'You must have scared him off, but it was him. It was the statue! Captain Bjorn Van Heath!'

Pete saw movement to his right. There was the pirate. He'd just disappeared into a group of trees. Pete leapt to his feet and rushed forward into the trees. He came to a halt. The pirate was gone, although how he could have disappeared so quickly without Pete seeing where he went, even in this mist, he couldn't figure out. 'What the hell? Where the heck did you go?'

He peered around and then figured he should get back to the pedestal where the statue moved from. It seemed logical that it would have to return somehow. Maybe he could find out what was going on.

He ran back through the square and past Tucker who stood shivering. As he drew closer, he suddenly heard a loud piercing laugh, which echoed through the fog. Through the mist he could see the pirate back on the pedestal, swinging his cutlass through the air. Then he became engulfed in an envelope of extra thick mist. Pete desperately wanted to get there before he became the statue again, but he was too late. The mist began to dissolve and the statue was once again in its original position as if it had never moved from its spot at all...

Tucker stepped up behind him. 'Oh! It's back again. Did you see it?'

'All I saw was mist, but there must be something here. Something that maybe makes the statue go underground or something.'

'No, it's real! It's a golem. It comes to life.'

'It's not a bloody golem! That was just a man before, a human being, dressed up in a pirate costume with his own parrot to boot and God knows there's enough pirates around here with parrots, that other Bjorn Van Heath wannabe, being one of them. Did you get a good look at his face?'

'He was going to eat me!'

'He was not going to eat you!' Pete sighed. 'Ah, never mind.'

He examined the statue. 'There must be something here that makes it go up and down.'

'Maybe the sword?' Tucker attempted to pull the cutlass down, but it was stuck fast.

'It's a trick. We know that. And all that extra fog... gotta be dry ice. Something here shoots it out so that you can't see the statue go up and down into the ground. But man, if Van Heath built something like that all those years ago, that's pretty amazing technology and knowhow.'

'Magic!' Tucker said. 'It must be magic.'

'Tucker?'

'What?'

'Shut the hell up!'

 

To read this novelette in its entirety you can download it for free in different file formats at Smashwords:

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/676933 

 

Disclaimer: All articles in this magazine are the views of the authors and none of it is to be taken seriously. Interviews are purely fictional and letters are not written by the assigned people.

  

All writings copyrighted, UBBA Magazine 2018