Edition 17 - March 2018

 

Welcome back to UBBA Magazine, my friends. Glad to see you are still with us. We were a little worried that people might not like the fact that Tucker Pyles and his mother Aunty Lil are still writing for UBBA. Well actually I wasn’t worried at all. They may take themselves seriously but most people don’t.

 

Speaking of Tucker and his mother, Tucker has been on and on at UBBA Magazine since we first started, wanting to be interviewed. For some reason he thinks he’s a huge celebrity and feels like he has to be all over this magazine each edition. Finally… foolishly, I might add, the editorial staff decided that they would give into his moaning and groaning and grant him an interview. He really wanted Vanessa to interview him, but I put my foot down, saying that my sweetheart should not have to suffer such trauma. So they made Colin Hewgill do he interview instead. Bad luck, Col.

If there should be a reward for persistence, it will surely go to Tucker, but wait until you read Wal’s findings on School Prize-giving awards. That persistence award I was thinking of might not be such a sweet tribute as it may appear.

 

Enjoy reading! 

 

Rex Cassidy

 

 

I object to the headline on the last edition of UBBA saying that morning people are no superior than night people. Of course, we are superior. We are not lazy. We do not sleep in. We get up and we get working or doing whatever it is we do, not wasting any part of the day. Unlike those who sleep in. And no, I don’t want to hear excuses how they work 60 hours a week and need to catch up on sleep in the weekends. I don’t care if by the time they get home from work it’s 7-8pm and they need to stay up late if they want any personal time. If you want personal time get up at 5am! And don’t you dare criticize me for going to bed by 9pm each night.  I don’t care that I get 10 hours sleep per night while you night people only get about 6. That’s not my problem. You night people should be like me, go to bed early and get up early. No matter what you say, UBBA, I am not going to change my self-righteous attitude and will continue to look down my nose at night-people.
John Griswald (USA)

 

 

I too wish to complain about one of the headlines on the last edition of UBBA Magazine. Fancy trying to tell us that there is no meaning to dreams! I had a dream last night that told me you were completely wrong about that. There is very much a lot of meaning in dreams, it’s just up to us to conjure up what those meanings might be. It’s like reading the bible. You read it and then you come up with an interpretation that fits with what you believe. You come up with some kind of meaning that’s relevant to you. It doesn’t matter if that’s what the verses intended. You just do that. Dreams are the same. They can mean whatever you like. You get to decide. So based on that logic, how can you possibly say there is no meaning in dreams?
Theresa May (England)

 

 

Unlike that deluded old biddy who wrote that previous letter, I completely agree with the headline. It’s completely ridiculous to say that dreams have meanings. All that is, is wishful thinking and the fact she says you can make up the meaning is proof of that. Dreams are simply your subconscious conjuring up crap from your subconscious, stuff that you’ve been thinking or reading about. Stuff you’ve seen on TV. Things that have happened to you. There is no message it is trying to tell you. No hidden messages… unlike this letter, which if you read it carefully you will see a very creepy hidden message.
Richard Dawkins (England)

 

{We agree. BTW, we edited out the creepy hidden message}

 

 

Geeze, I wish those ubbheads would shut up about UBBA Magazine headlines. I have something more important I wish to say.

I TOLD YOU SO!

I told you it was a lousy idea to have Aunty Lil review movies. What was the first movie she reviewed? Star Wars! And she gave it the worst review ever. What kind of person is she? What absolutely awful taste in movies. She wouldn’t know a good movie if it came up and shoved itself into her fat gob! She should be FIRED from UBBA Magazine immediately and a better person assigned to the role of movie reviews. I nominate myself for that role. I have good taste in movies and will give a realistic review on each one. I’m sure UBBA will agree I should take over and for my first movie review in the next edition I will review one of the greatest movies of all time “Santa Claus Conquers the Martians”.
Tucker Pyles (UBBA Magazine Columnist)

 

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Feel free to write in letters about your opinions about UBBA Magazine. We would love to hear from you.

 

If you have any regular articles you would like to add to UBBA Magazine please contact us. We are always on the look out for contributors and will give you credit where credit is due.

 

  

Simply contact the administrator of Recker’s World

 

Interviewer: Colin Hewgill

Interviewees: Lil Pyles (Aunty Lil) and son Tucker

 

 

Colin:  I really didn’t want to do it, but fellow UBBA Magazine staff have forced me into it. Readers of UBBA Magazine have often questioned whether Tucker Pyles and his mother Aunty Lil are real people. How can two such outrageous and ridiculous people be real? Can a guy like Tucker really be that moronic? Can Aunty Lil really be such an old dragon? Well today we lay these questions to rest once and for all. Without further waffle, it is with great displeasure I welcome Tucker Pyles and Aunty Lil to Hew’s Interviews…

 

Tucker: What? You better watch what you say, ubbhead. You should be thrilled to have me and my mother as interviewees. You should count your lucky stars you are having the honour of sitting in the same room with us. You should be down on your knees licking my shoes right now, Hewgill!

 

Colin: You know where you can go, dipshit. I’m only interviewing you because I was told I have to. Otherwise I wouldn’t waste my time on talking to such a drongo.

 

Tucker: URRRRRBBARRRRR. You better start giving me respect Hewgill.  I’m the biggest star of this magazine. You’ve never had anyone as famous and amazing as me here.

 

Colin: Quit being such a douche, Tucker. Only UBBA Magazine fans know who you are and even then they wish they didn’t. Nobody else has even heard the name Tucker Moron Pyles.

 

Aunty Lil: Colin is right, you fat imbecile. I can’t believe that anyone would be interested in what a fat buffoon like you has to say!

 

Tucker: UUuuBBAAAA! Yes they do…

 

SLAP!

 

Tucker: OWWW!

 

Aunty Lil: Don’t you argue with me you cretin! I’m your darn mother. Show some darn respect! By golly I should have given you more beatings when you were a boy. I obviously didn’t give you enough.

 

SLAP!

 

Tucker: OWWW! Stop slapping m…

 

SLAP!

 

Aunty Lil: Don’t answer back, you cheeky cretin! You’re too darn fond of answering back. Too darn fond of being rude and disrespectful! Colin, dear, I don’t think you should direct any of your questions towards him. He will just blabber on about a whole lot of rubbish anyway. Perhaps you should just direct questions at me?

 

Colin: You? Hardly. It’s bad enough that I have to talk to old Flab-Features here. The last thing I want to do is interview an old hag like you too.

 

SLAP!

 

Tucker: OWWWWW! UUuuBBAAAA! WHY DID YOU SLAP ME FOR?

 

Aunty Lil: Because your friend insulted me that’s why! How dare you let your friend insult me?

 

Colin: Me? Friend? I only tolerate this asshole.

 

Aunty Lil: You better watch your mouth young man or I’ll give Tucker another good slapping.

 

Colin: That’s alright by me, you old battle axe.

 

SLAP!

 

Tucker: OWWWWW! UUuuBBAAAA! Why did you slap me for? It was him that called you an old battle axe!

 

Aunty Lil: Shut up or I’ll slap you again! One thing I thought I’d taught you long ago is that you don’t slap your host. That’s why I slapped you instead. If you’d been more intelligent and less useless, maybe Colin here would respect you. You bring shame on me in his eyes. He sees me as being as unintelligent and useless as you are because I’m your mother! Why should I be tarnished with the same brush? Huh? Can you answer that you fat idiot?

 

Tucker (whimpering): I don’t know.

 

Colin: Ha ha ha. You got that right, you old crone. Any mother of old Douche-Head here must be one of the worst people in the world. What sort of monster conceives such an abomination?

 

Aunty Lil: You know that’s a big mystery to me too. I can’t understand how a beautiful intelligent woman like myself could have conceived such a freak. Mutations occur even in perfection.

 

Colin: Who are you trying to kid, you old bag? You beautiful? You intelligent? You make out you’re the world’s best mother but in reality you’re an abusive old hag. A child abuser.

 

SLAP SLAP SLAP!

 

Tucker: OWWWWWW! THAT’S NOT FAIR!

 

Aunty Lil: How dare you speak to me like that, Colin? I ought to give Tucker a good whipping with my belt!

 

Colin: Go right ahead.

 

Aunty Lil: Now, now, Colin dear there’s not need to try to tempt me. You know full well I’m a loving mother. I can’t help it if my son is as useful as a glob of spit in a fire fight. You’ve read my parenting columns haven’t you? You’ve seen the great advice I gave. People have been begging me to start that column back up again.

 

Colin: You’re as deluded as bloody Tucker!

 

Aunty Lil: Don’t make me slap Tucker again! My hand is getting sore!

 

Colin: I’ve seen the mail that comes into UBBA Magazine and its mainly people demanding that your column be cancelled. They can’t believe you’d use the barbaric methods you use when it comes to child raising.

 

Aunty Lil: Barbaric? BARBARIC?

 

SLAP!

 

Tucker: OWWWWWWW!!!!

 

Aunty Lil: My ways have proven success. My ways are the ways all parents should raise their children.

 

Colin: You have one child here to show for your techniques. Can you really tell me they work? I mean look at the guy. He’s the biggest moron that ever there was…

 

Tucker: Watch it Colin, or I’ll dish out one serious ubbering!

 

Colin:  …Even you say he’s as useful as a glob of spit in a fire fight. He can’t get anything right. He’s always doing the wrong thing. How can you possibly say your parenting techniques have worked?

 

Aunty Lil: My techniques DID work! It’s just that as he’s an adult now and has gotten more stubborn, more stupid and more rebellious. Even GOD couldn’t have sorted out my moronic son! Tell me, Colin have you ever tried to discipline a full gown man? How do you think that would work?

 

Colin: If my kids ever turned out like Tucker, I’d disown them!

 

Aunty Lil: I’ve thought about it many times!

 

Colin: But there comes an age where you have to let go, isn’t there, you old cow? He’s in his 40s now. Don’t you think it’s time you stopped trying to mother him?

 

Tucker: That’s right.

 

SLAP!

 

Tucker: OWWWWW!

 

Aunty Lil: Don’t be so darn cheeky! You’re too fond of being cheeky you are! It’s about time you had that knocked out of your system. Maybe I SHOULD start using some of those techniques on you again. Maybe then you’d start to behave yourself and quit acting like a complete retard! Now as for your question, Colin, a child is never too old to be disciplined.

 

Colin: Didn’t you just tell me that can’t be done? That even GOD couldn’t do that?

 

Aunty Lil: That doesn’t mean you can’t give them a good thrashing when you feel the need to. I know it makes ME feel good afterwards, anyway!

 

Colin: I guess I can understand that. I think I’d get great pleasure over giving Tucker a thrashing myself.

 

Aunty Lil (Big smile): So there you go. You see, Colin dear, disciplining your child isn’t just a matter of correcting them. It’s allowing you to let off steam. Allowing you to feel a sense of satisfaction as your spiteful little brat sits there in the corner bawling his eyes out.

 

Colin: Now that’s the thing that a lot of readers don’t like, is when you make claims like that. Experts in parenting say that if you are going to physically discipline your children it should never be done out of anger.

 

Aunty Lil (scowling): What do those idiots know? There is enough stress in being a parent as it is, but if some whimpy, namby-pamby do-gooders are going to try to tell me I can’t expel some of that stress, then they’re complete morons. Nearly as stupid as my idiot son!

 

Colin: And that’s another thing! You’re not supposed to put your kids down. You’re supposed to build them up, you old bag.

 

Aunty Lil: Children need to be put in their place. Contrary to what some of those moronic so-called experts say, children SHOUD be seen and not heard. In fact, I say they shouldn’t even be seen. I’d sooner have them locked up in a cupboard.

 

Colin: Which is why nobody but yourself thinks you’re a good parent.

 

Aunty Lil: UBBA Magazine gave me that parenting column! THEY obviously thought I was a good parent!

 

Colin: Geeze, you really are one clueless old biddy, aren’t you? Don’t you realise this is a comedy magazine? It’s not supposed to be serious. They gave you the parenting advice column because of how laughable your methods are. Hell, if this was a serious magazine, UBBA Magazine would be in all sorts of legal trouble. You too!

 

Aunty Lil: Colin, you really are going the right way for Tucker to receive a darn good walloping! I don’t like your attitude, young man. I don’t like the insulting things you are saying to me. I am a respected parent. The readers love me!

 

Colin: Only in your dreams. You live in a fantasy world just like your son. It’s one thing to be unrealistic, it’s another thing to be unrealistically unrealistic. Get your head out of the clouds, you stupid tart!

 

SLAP SLAP!

 

Tucker: OWWWWW!!

 

Aunty Lil: I have about had it with you, Tucker! How dare your friend speak to me in this manner?

 

Tucker: I can’t help it!

 

Aunty Lil: Of course you can! You’re just a useless pillock that’s all! An ungrateful son who has no respect for his mother! I…

 

Colin: Can it, you old crow. I’ve heard about enough from you. You’re not the only one I have to interview, you know. I also have some questions for old Scrambled Wits here.

 

Tucker: About time. Start asking them, Spewgill! I’m getting sick of you causing my mother to slap me.

 

Colin: Actually, I think I’ll take a break. I feel like going out and having a few beers. I'll be back soon.

 

Tucker: Can I come?

 

Colin: No!

 

Aunty Lil: Don’t be such a cretin, Tucker. Who on earth would want you coming with them for a beer. Colin, dear, I’m sure you will take me with you, won’t you?

 

Colin: Shove off! You two can wait here until I get back. Damn, why do I always get stuck with these kinds of interviews?

 

 

Part 2 of the interview will be in the next edition of UBBA Magazine. 

 

Our resident roving reporter Wal (Will Ullman) reports on one of UBBA Magazine's headlines...

 

 

 

School prize givings.

Celebrating mediocrity and failure

 

You know when I was a kid at school, we actually had to work hard to get our school qualifications. When it came to end of year exams, you either passed or you failed and if you failed, well you repeated the same year again. These days though, there seems to be no way you can fail. You just complete units and you gain credits and you just repeat certain units or do different units until you’ve got enough credits to get your qualification.

Not only that, but the work is so much easier these days. Back in my day we were having to learn long division at the age of 10 years old. Now it seems that’s left until high school. Everything’s been dumbed down that much. Well I guess as long as they’re getting rid of all the crap we don’t need like Matrices and Logarithms. Who needs all that junk anyway?

One thing that bugs me these days especially when it comes to my own kids prize giving is the number of awards there are to celebrate mediocrity and even failure. It seems that every kid has to win an award of some kind, otherwise their feelings will be hurt and all those wishy-washy parents who can’t handle a few crocodile tears from their kids will be up in arms, angry that the school does not deem their kid worthy of an award.

What is it with parents these days? The world is not fair and it does not see every one as equal. Not everyone cares about your kids’ feelings and there are going to be some who get better treatment than others.  In the real world, there are passes and there are fails. If you fail, you lose, it’s a simple as that. You get up and try again. That’s the way it is and kids need to learn that now, not when they’re out there in the workforce. They need to be ready for it.  So let’s award those kids that deserve it and quit worrying about pandering to people’s delicate egos.

The next school prize giving I go to I do not want to see any of these ridiculous awards:

 

Most Improved

What does this award mean anyway? How does one measure that? And why is it that it always gets awarded to one of the dumbest kids in the class? Say a 10-year-old kid who was never able to recite his ABCs before, finally manages to do it for the first time so they get this award for finally succeeding at something every other kid, the same age, had mastered five years ago. Meanwhile, some kid who’s moved on to higher levels of reading who wasn’t able to get the “Best reader” award misses out because they weren’t dumb enough to get the “most improved” award.

 

Hardest Worker/Perseverance

This is yet another award that goes to the really dumb kids. These are the kids who have no hope of ever gaining all their credits and will probably never get a good job. But yet they persevered. Even though they try hard, it does no good, because they’re still abject failures, but hey, let’s give them an award for trying so hard.

In the real world, you don’t get pay rises or promotions for just working hard. You actually have to be able to do the job too!

Seriously, do you really want it highlighted how dumb your kid is? You don’t want them winning this award! How humiliating for you AND them.

 

Brightest smile

Seriously! This is an award given at my kid’s Prize Giving! Can you believe it?  This is an award that gets given to really dumb kids who are really good looking, because we know that in reality they’re only going to get by on their looks, not their brains.

 

Good sense of humour

Now this is one my oldest son was always getting each year. Why was that? Because he was a little shit and always in trouble, just like I was at school, except back in my day there was no such award as this one. So, what good thing can you say about a kid that clowns around all day, gives his teacher grief and never actually does any work? Oh yeah, he has a good sense of humour.

My son used to expect to get this award because he knew he’d never get any others… like this next one…

 

Teacher helper

This award is for the best ass kisser in the class. The kid that is always trying to schmooze up to the teacher. All the other kids hate him, but because he's the teacher’s pet, he gets this award. This is kind of like the opposite of the “Good sense of humour” award.

 

Most improved behaviour

Now this is definitely one award you don’t want to be getting. Nor is it one any parent wants their kid to get because what it tells us is that you are a lousy parent and that your kid used to be a real little shit with no redeeming qualities whatsoever. He brought you shame, but hey at least he’s made an effort this year to not be quite the little shit he has been in the past. At least now we only have to put him on detention three lunch times a week rather than five.  

 

Most artistic

This one goes to the weirdest kid in the class. The one whose parents live in another world and have dragged their kid into it. This kid is normally picked on by most other kids and is mentally screwed up. So what better award to give him/her than the “Most artistic” award, to make him feel better about himself.

 

Most Creative Story Teller

You can guess who gets this award right? You got it, the kid who’s a compulsive liar

 

Look, seriously we don’t need all these awards. Prize Giving events are long drawn out, tedious events as they are. We don’t want more awards to bore us to tears. We just don’t need them all. I never did when I was a kid and even if I thought I deserved one I was only pissed off for a short time. 

Let’s just stick to awarding those who have made real achievements. The ones who actually deserve it. 

 

 

Television vs Reading

By Vanessa Dante

 

We have a problem in this world and one of them is that morning people think they are superior to night people and they look down their noses at them, but yet night people have perfectly legitimate reasons for being night people.  None is more special than the other. Well we have another problem too and that is that people who read books think they are far superior to those who watch a lot of TV.

 

Now, I don’t have time for a lot of TV. I’m a busy woman, but I also don’t have much time for reading either. On the occasional morning, I may get to read in bed for an hour before getting up, but not often. I also like to watch my favourite TV programs. Yet how often do we have people saying you shouldn’t be watching TV, you should be reading a book instead?

 

REGULARLY! 

 

Yes, it really does seem that people who like to read a lot believe that they are superior to those who prefer to watch TV. They believe that it’s far better for us as humans to read than to watch TV. But why? What is the reasoning behind that? There is only one legitimate reason I can think of and that’s to improve your reading skills, but why the need to improve your reading skills further? Just so you can read more books faster?

 

I consider myself well educated. I consider myself a very good reader. I see no reason why I need to improve those reading skills further, when I can pick up an adult novel or even a text book and read it without difficulty. So what does a good reader have to gain by reading more books? Nothing.

 

Some say that books are better than the movies that are made from them. I’m not arguing that. That is often a fact, but it’s not the point. The point is, there is no real good reason to elevate reading above TV watching. That, as far as I can see is simply a prejudice… book readers can be terrible snobs and hypocrites. They will look down at people who watch TV for hours each day, they will call them lazy, a couch potato and all sorts of names, but yet will happily sit down and read a book for hours each day as if that somehow makes them less lazy and less of a couch potato! HELLOOOOO! Seriously?  Do you book readers really think you’re anything so special?

 

I hear other silly arguments too. Like TV desensitizes you to sex and violence.  Hello again? Who is that true for? Is it true for anyone that hasn’t got some kind of mental imbalance? I can watch a violent movie with blood and guts like "Kill Bill" and perhaps only just flinch, but I can tell you right now, if someone were to be beheaded by a Samurai Sword in front of me and blood splatted everywhere I would be deeply disturbed. It would take me a long time to get over that if I ever did at all. Another thing I can tell you for certain is that although I can watch a sex scene on TV and can even tolerate seeing a naked man, if ever I saw the likes of Tucker Pyles naked I would be traumatized for life.

 

Seriously people, if TV desensitizes you to violence or Tucker Pyles having sex (OMG, even the thought of it repulses me), then the problem isn’t TV, it’s you! Or the crappy parenting you have undergone.

 

Books aren’t all that innocent, though are they? Some books contain material that TV and movie studios wouldn’t dare portray on screen. Take Stephen King’s “The Stand” and “It” for instance and see what was left out of the Television and movie versions. You’ll soon see that television is way tamer. Oh and how about Game of Thrones? You think that TV show is too full of graphic sex scenes and extreme violence? Huh!  You clearly haven’t read the books. 

 

So stop blaming TV for all the world’s problems and stop making out reading is any more virtuous than watching television. Get your head out of the sand… I mean pages and take a real look at the world. You clearly need to. 

 

Making Money on Threr - part 2

 

Here are a few more ways of making money on the planet Threr, the planet that appears to run backwards!

 

Recycling

 

The average Threrrian will make their own appliances and furniture with items they find lying around. There are mining sites throughout Threr where people go to collect large volumes of natural resources. Threrrian cities even finance delivery services where materials from mining sites are taken by truck and deposited at the doorsteps of Threrrians in large plastic bags and boxes. Much of the recycled material is simply used to create packaging for food. Nothing is wasted.

One of the most remarkable things is the use of fire to spawn natural resources. We talked earlier of how fire is used to bring forth life on Threr. We also touched on how fire can create inanimate materials. We talked about how Incinerators use a flammable liquid to ignite fires in rubbish dumps. But there is one other element, a combustible mineral known as shah, which when collected together can create an ideal condition for fire.

Shah gathered into one place, after a while, will react, heating up and catching fire. After it burns out, the shah is transformed into wood, cloth, paper, and sometimes coal. To us this seems quite miraculous, but to those on Threr it is an everyday occurrence.

Threrrians collect shah so they can start their own fires to obtain resources. The shah is free and readily available, forming naturally in specific locations around the planet, so it is a lucrative and profitable method.

Another increasingly popular way to make money through recycling is something that many young Threrrians in particular, enjoy doing. Threrrian children take old woollen clothing like jerseys and unravel the wool, using special tools called Ildeen Gneettins. This unravelled wool can then be sold to make new woollen coats for peesh.

Renewable fuel sources are also a big thing in Threr. Threrrians have in fact managed to build motor vehicles that produce petrol, rather than burn it. This fuel can then be drained from the vehicle’s tanks and transported back to the ground where it belongs, thus returning the environment to its natural state. Oil companies will pay a fortune for clean oil that they can return to the ground.

By the way, these cars also suck up air pollutants, neutralising the poisonous gases and cleaning up the air.

 

Selling Second-Hand Goods

 

This is probably the most popular way for a Threrrian to earn money. Appliances , furniture and other items Threrrians own (most of which they have made themselves), will be sold to shops who will in turn take those goods and sell them in bulk to other businesses who will then pull them apart for recycling. Threrrians can sell their second-hand goods for surprisingly large amounts of money.

 

Vehicles

 

On Earth, vehicles such as motor cars are considered very costly to run and often drain away our hard-earned cash. However, on Threr it is just the opposite. Motor vehicles there bring huge amounts of income in for your average Threrrian due to their ability to manufacture petrol rather than burn it.

As well as making money through the generation of petrol, Threrrians can take their motor vehicles to mechanics to trade working components of your car for older, sometimes broken or non-working parts. Mechanics can take some time replacing these parts, but are happy to pay you large fees while your vehicle is under their care. Mechanics, once they have the working part from your vehicle, will then on-sell those parts to earn money for themselves.

Although it can be inconvenient for a vehicle owner, having a faulty or non-working vehicle, it is sometimes necessary to do, to get that extra bit of emergency cash you might need. Threrrians usually find that even though the parts the mechanics have put into their vehicles may be faulty, they do tend to come right after a few attempts at getting the car started, or after driving around in it for a while.

After a Threrrian has had their vehicle for a while, they are able to sell their car at a profit. It seems that on Threr a vehicle will gain value, as it gets older, whereas property tends to depreciate very quickly.

 

Archaeologist –Professor Colin Melrose comments:

Things that would not pass for antiques on Earth are valued highly in Threrrian culture. Your old Vauxhall Viva may be ripe for the junk heap on Earth, but would fetch a high price on Threr. It’s like the old saying goes, “one man’s rubbish, is another man’s treasure.” 

 

 

 

You too can have the holy spirit in your church!

 

 

People often write into me saying, “Pastor Jake, you are such a wonderful Christian and you are truly on fire with the holy spirit. My church is so dead though. The holy spirit is just not moving as it should. It has become impotent. How can we have the holy spirit moving in our church services like you do?”

 

Well that is a very good question. Anyone who knows the holy spirit, knows that the holy spirit is incapable of acting unless we take certain steps to allow him to act. There are certain things that you can do in your church to ensure you give the holy spirit leeway.

 

Of course, I direct these words to MALE pastors as it is against God’s law for a woman to lead men. Any church that would have a female pastor is not real Christianity and are angering God.

 

Have music playing in the background

 

This is a crucial thing that you need in your church otherwise it will be impossible for the holy spirit to move. This is most important to have when you are wrapping up your sermon and perhaps offering an altar call. You must have your band return to the stage and start playing gentle music. You must at least have a piano player. The music being played in the background will enhance the words you are saying and have more of an impact on the congregation. The music will stir their souls and the holy spirit will be able to start to work on them.

 

It doesn’t matter what music you are playing, my brothers. Your band could be playing Stairway to Heaven, just as long as its soothing music that will enhance your words. It will make people feel like your words are anointed!

 

Appeal to emotion

 

When rounding up your sermon and offering that altar call, you need to do more than just a simple summery and an invitation. You need to ensure that you get to the hearts of your congregation. Definitely do not try to use logic or anything rational. Simply appeal to their emotions. Lay on the guilt trip or something similar. Do it in a soothing manner, but with emotion in your words as if you really mean what you are saying. Without your ability to trigger the emotions of your congregation, the holy spirit cannot work and guide the people to work for you, or to put more money into that offering plate.

 

Rock it!

You need a really decent band up there on the stage, not just someone playing a boring old organ. That band needs to have drums, electric guitars and basses. During the praise and worship, people need to feel like they’re in a rock concert. 

 

Once as a teenager, before I was chosen by God to be a pastor, I attended a church like this, which was full with people. There was a worship leader up on stage who looked exactly like Phil Collins and he even behaved like Phil Collins. Like it was HIS show! Well you need your Phil Collins too. Someone who can get the people into it,

 

For the holy spirit to work, people need to be up on their feet, not sitting down. They need to be singing at the top of their voices, pumping their fists, jumping up and down, really getting into the music. Your Phil Collins needs to get them doing this.

 

When new people come they’ll be amazed and think “Wow, the holy spirit really rocks in this church!”  People coming in late will also be blown away at the electricity and the excitement in the atmosphere. They too will say “Wow! The holy spirit hit me as soon as I walked through door!” 

 

Make no bones about it, my brothers and sisters. The holy spirit is a rock star so needs the correct stage to work on. It will also result in more tithes and offerings coming into your church! HALLELUJAH!

 

Choose your thing

God works in mysterious ways and none more so in churches. Have you ever noticed how the holy spirit works differently in some churches than others? Some have speaking in tongues, some have the holy laughter, some have spiritual warfare and casting out of demons, some have slayings in the spirit. Some a mixture of things.

 

What you need to decide is what do you want to permit in your church. The holy spirit needs to know this. He needs to know whether you’re ok with holy laughter or if you’re ok with speaking in tongues. You can then promote these things in your church as the moving of the holy spirit in your congregation! It’s up to you, my brothers, as the pastor to determine exactly what it is that will be deemed of God. Hallelujah! Have people practice these things. Have people lead the way with them and all the others will follow praising God for the moving of the holy spirit in their church! Praise the lord!

  

Know your congregation

You need to know the people in your church. Know what their problems are on how wishy washy or useless they are as Christians. You need to know whether they struggle with illnesses, sins or mental afflictions. That way when you are up the front and giving words of wisdom from God, you’ll know exactly what to say. You’ll know who to target and who to speak to, thus wowing the congregation and having them believe that the holy spirt is working in you.

 

If your church is too big, then have your other leaders meet with you regularly, especially those who lead cell groups and have them let you know all the things that are going on with your people. Your congregation will be amazed at how the holy spirit has provided you with information they thought you didn’t know! They will say “Wow, the holy spirit really is using my pastor!”

 

If you don’t know enough about the people in your congregation then simply target the most obvious things. There will always be people there who are struggling with lust or some other sin of the flesh. There will always be someone with a bad back or who has a cold or is feeling sick. All you have to do is say “Someone in the back section there has a relative who is really in need of Jesus right now! I can just feel the holy spirit is telling me this!”  Of course there is going to be someone, right? If there isn’t you can always change the details slightly. Say that God has revealed something else or that you were wrong about what you thought he’d said. No matter what, they will just marvel and believe the holy spirit has given you this information. Hallelujah! Play the odds, my brothers. Play the odds and the holy spirit will move in your church. Praise the lord!

 

 

 Letters

 

 

Dear Pastor Jake

Hi, it’s me again, the emissary for Pylism. Things have been going well with my new religion by putting into place the guidelines you have given me. A good steady amount of cash is coming in via tithes and offerings. I have even created a new type of giving called Tuckerings. This will be a food offering. 20% of all food purchased must be given to the Emissary. I have laid a guilt trip on the congregation that if they do not give their Tuckerings they are actually robbing God of food and when that happens God becomes very angry.  Anyway, the reason I am writing in this time though is that the female members of my religion take no interest in me at all. I thought being a man of God would have more women wanting to jump into bed with me, but it doesn’t. However, every other guy in my religion is getting their bit of action. Some are getting quite a lot. It’s not fair that I, the Emissary should be missing out while those under me have all the fun. What can I do about this?

Tucker Pyles – The emissary for Pylism (and UBBA Magazine columnist)

 

Dear Tucker

Religious leaders have been having this trouble since the beginning of time. They are just so sexually unappealing that women shun them and knowing what you look like I’m not surprised this is happening. God clearly decided to create you severely lacking in the looks department as a test of your character. The reality is no woman is ever going to want to get down and dirty with you, so the best you can do is what religious leaders in biblical times did. That’s outlaw sex… at least sex before marriage. Don’t allow anyone to have any fun until they’re married. Once they’re married they’ll quickly get to the point where they just don’t want to have sex! Hey, if you can’t have fun why the hell should they?

 

 

 

Dear Pastor Jake

I found your sermon in the last edition has caused me to doubt my faith. You were saying that even if God were non-existent, we could still prove that he existed. And then you went on to list things I have heard over and over again in church. The problem is, all that this has done is make me think that these things are all simply excuses for a non-existent god. Perhaps all along the god I have believed in is simply non-existent?

Faith Harrington

 

Dear “Lack of” Faith Harrington

My sermon was aimed to boost your faith, not shake it. The real problem is you belong to a false church… one that does not follow the true god, so in reality you ARE worshipping a non-existent god!  To be worshiping the TRUE God, you need to be worshipping the same god as me, not the false one your church follows. You need to repent to the one true god for breaking his first commandment!  God has told me that as part of your penance you must empty out your bank account and donate every cent to Pastor Jake Ministries. Do it now, Faith! Come to the one true god and become a REAL Christian worshipping a REAL God! Hallelujah!

 

 

Dear Pastor Jake

I loved your sermon last edition about how even a non-existent god can be proven to be real! You are just so right! I have friends who believe in the Flying Spaghetti Monster who keep telling me he exists and I didn’t believe them. However, once I applied the arguments you gave for the existence of God in your sermon, I realised that YES! The Flying Spaghetti Monster really DOES exist! Now I am a born again Pastafarian! Praise his noodley appendage!

Garfield Gullickson

 

Dear Gullible son, 

It appals me to think that one of my sermons caused someone to believe in something ridiculous! A flying spaghetti monster? Don’t be so absurd. There is no such thing. How dare you use my logic to convince yourself to believe in such delusionary rubbish? You need to get your act together. Christianity is far more sensible in its beliefs. Men being eaten by fish and living to tell the tale, talking donkeys, men with super human strength thanks to their long hair, men rising from the dead… these are way far more believable than nonsense about flying monsters made of spaghetti. 

 

 

In this new regular feature, Mad Dave Harris brings you a television show from the past and gives his spin on it.

 

This Edition:

You know, when I was a kid, back in the 70s, we didn’t have too many TV heroes but there was one that stood out big time and that was Steve Austin… No not “Stone Cold” Steve Austin. A much cooler hero than that. I’m talking about the Six Million Dollar Man! Yeah!

 

Hey, I’m sure he would have made a great pro-wrestler though.  He’d show Dusty Rhodes a thing or two about bionic elbows. He’d make Roman Reign’s superman punch look like an Oompa Loompa punch.  I could just imagine him and Ted DiBiase teaming up together to form the Six Million Dollar Team. That would have been great.

 

The Six Million Dollar Man was the original cyborg hero. Like the Robocop of the 70s… except that he was a lot more gentlemanly and not so harsh on criminals. Sure, he’d smack them around a bit and send them flying a few meters, but he wasn’t out to kill anybody or pretend to be Judge Dredd or anything like that. 

 

Steve Austin was cool though, especially with that eyebrow of his… (no we’re not talking about the Rock, Dwayne Johnson).   Steve Austin was the originator of the people’s eyebrow, which was kind of appropriate really, because one of his eyes was bionic. Then of course he had a bionic arm and two bionic legs!

 

You just can’t underestimate how cool the Six Million Dollar Man was to young boy in the 70s. When you looked into the distance at something, you didn’t just look. You added in the sound effects… di di di di di di di di di di.  When you threw a mock punch at your friend, you did it in slow motion. And when you jumped from one place to the other, you didn’t just jump, you did it with the sounds to go with it. Hrri hrri hrrri hrri hrri hrri hrri.  And running was sometimes done in slow motion too unless you were in a real hurry to get somewhere.  You just had to imagine the theme tune in the background as you ran or even hum it yourself.

 

One thing you didn’t appreciate as a kid was romance in your TV shows and your heroes hooking up with some girl. Come on, that’s not what heroes are supposed to do when you’re 8 years old. They don’t have time for that kind of namby pamby nonsense! Gordon Bennet! Even Dr Who kept his female companions at arm's length. Heroes like Steve are there to take out bad guys! (And the Doctor is there to defend us against the likes of the Daleks and the Cybermen).  Fortunately, Steve left the womanising to guys like Burt Reynolds and Roger Moore. Except for one time… that one woman…

 

But yeah, that was fine. In fact, it was AOK. Jamie Summers was beautiful and the story was just so bloody brilliant. You actually wished that you were Steve so that you could get to fall in love with Jamie too. The Six Million Dollar Man with his Bionic Woman. How bitter sweet it was that they never did get to stay together.

 

Yes, every boy wanted to be Steve Austin. Every boy wanted to have bionic limbs and if it meant teaming up permanently with the bionic woman, we wouldn’t have minded at all.  Steve Austin was the type of guy your parents were happy for you to emulate and might even let you head up in space as an astronaut, just so that you could crash back to earth and have to have your limbs replaced with bionics.

 

 

In this new regular feature,

Aunty Lil reviews a famous movie from the past. 

 

This Edition:

Finally! Some truly wholesome family entertainment…

 

Or so I thought. Until I found out it was all about a nun called Mooria, a truly terrible and immoral woman who refused to obey God’s rules and lived a life of debauchery instead. I felt sorry for those other poor nuns who were just unable to “solve a problem like Mooria” so had to send her away.  They knew that she would only drag down all the other good nuns to Hell with her!

 

However, what I simply can’t believe, is that they allowed this clearly immoral woman to take up a job as a nanny for the Von Crapps; a bunch of self-absorbed toffee-nosed brats! What sort of role model is that to have in charge of your snot-nosed delinquents? Hardly a worthy one, I can assure you of that! I guess we should be glad they didn’t send a PRIEST to be nanny, although I’m not sure how much worse that would have been.

 

So, what does this rebellious, apostate do first with these kids? Well she certainly doesn’t teach them any good morals, I can tell you that! I mean she’s a catholic nun, so what would you expect? One thing I wouldn’t expect though is for her to teach those children the devil’s music. YES! The devil’s music! Sure, sure, I know it wasn’t rock n roll, but unless it’s a good old-fashioned hymn about the blood of Jesus and how he was brutally slaughtered for you to appease the wrath of an angry god so that you don’t have to be barbecued alive, then it’s the devil’s music. As simple as that!

 

Not only is this music an abomination to God, the songs she teaches them are some of the most irritating songs your ears could ever have the misfortune to hear. Earworms of the worst possible kind. “Doe a deer, a female deer”? I say they shoot that jolly deer so we don’t have to hear about it at all!  “These are a few of my favourite things”? HUH! Well the Sound of Music DVD will never be on anyone’s list of favourite things I can tell you that much! 

 

The hills are alive with atrocious noise is what they are! 

 

And what the hell is Penny from “Lost in Space” doing as one of the Von Crapp, children? Isn’t she supposed to be marooned on a planet somewhere with rest of the Robinson family?

  

Someone needs to get their act together. The last thing I want is to review “Lost in Space” and find Dr Smith and Penny singing “Sixteen going on Seventeen”. EEEWWWGHHHH!

  

Sigh! Well after watching this pile of dross, it’s a definite, so long, farewell, auf wiedersehen, GOOD RIDDANCE to the Sound of Music. I will never sit through this again and I advise you not to either.

  

Rating = 1 star   

 

 

Disclaimer: UBBA Magazine advises you not to take Uncle Tuck's advice... unless you are a moron, in which case the world would be better off without you.

 

Remember, if you too have a problem (no matter how stupid it is... even if its a made up one) just send in your letter and Uncle Tucker will attempt to solve it.

 

Ok, ok, I’m remaining calm. I am not going to get all upset at the editors of this magazine for editing out things I said in the last edition. (ubbheads!)  After all, the editor has the right to censor anything he so wishes (even though he’s an u******!) It seems that even though UBBA Magazine claims to allow freedom of speech that privilege does not apply to Tucker Pyles it seems. (u*******!)  But that’s ok, because I’m not going to continue to gripe about the way UBBA has been censoring me, (u********!) nor am I going to complain again about that highly offence disclaimer that has no doubt been added AGAIN to the top of my column this edition (U******* ubbheads u*******!)

 

No, I’m not going to complain, because after all I am UBBA Magazines ultimate problem solver far greater than my predecessor, that ubbhead Will Ullman. I can solve any problems and UBBA Magazine should watch out because I’ll deal with the problem of them too! Urrrrrbbarrrrrrrrrrr!

 

 

 

Dear Uncle Tuck

 

Hi, it’s me the guy who was trapped on the set of the Walking Dead. Well now I’m back in prison again, thanks to you! You are a complete imbecile! I managed to finally get online and see that you have been publishing all my letters I expressly told you not to publish! Why would you betray me in that manner? I am the laughing stock in prison now thanks to you. To think I took you seriously and actually started wearing masks. At least Will Ullman wasn’t that stupid. Paper bags were a far better option because I could choose my own pictures to put on them!  You really are a complete retard, Uncle Tucker. Or should I say Uncle Fu… no, I don’t want that censored. How about I just call you Uncle Tuckwitt? How about that? I can’t believe how humiliating I’m feeling right now, after all this time taking your worthless advice. Thanks for nothing, Uncle Tuckwitt! Humiliated

 

Reply

If you are that humiliated and embarrassed over all this, I suggest you hide your face so that nobody recognises you. Maybe a paper bag or a mask?   

 

 

 

Dear Uncle Tuck

 

I have a dead body I need to dispose of. Can you please advise the best method of doing this?

In a Quandary

 

Reply

Everyone has to deal with this problem at least once in their life. Of course, far too often people resort to either burying the body in their own property somewhere or throwing it into a river, which is always the first place the police will look. The best way I’ve found is to chop the body up, place each part in freezer bags and put them into your deep freeze. You will need to store them there permanently but at least anybody looking in will just think it’s normal frozen meat. Just don’t do what I occasionally do and that’s accidentally roast or grill a piece for dinner. (It really does taste like chicken!)

 

 

Dear Uncle Tuck

My son at school is constantly being bullied by another boy and the school seems to be unable to do anything about it. What can I do to stop this bullying?

 

Reply

You’ve come to the right guy, because I myself used to be a bully at school. There was one guy there who always used to put me in my place and humiliated me whenever I bullied another student. I tell you it did the trick and I soon learnt not to bully anybody. So my advice to you is to actually go into the school undercover as a student and deal to that bully every time he so much as thinks about bullying your son. After a couple of years of constant humiliation and beatings he’ll soon learn his lesson, just like I did.

 

 

Dear Uncle Tuck

I live in a house with three other adults about my own age and we share the costs of living together.  The problem is that two of us want to have SKY TV while the other two would rather spend the money on getting a better broadband package. We just can’t agree! What can we do to solve this problem?

 

Reply 

You have your priorities completely wrong, bub! What are you worried about TV and Internet for? There is something way more important and that’s snacks! Use the extra money you have for extra snacks… then invite me over and I’ll bring an old DVD over and we’ll eat snacks and watch a movie. Sound of Music sound good? 

 

Disclaimer: All articles in this magazine are the views of the authors and none of it is to be taken seriously. Interviews are purely fictional and letters are not written by the assigned people. 

 

All writings copyrighted, UBBA Magazine 2018