Boy you readers are so gullible aren’t you? You took one look at this magazine cover and thought wow! Look at the articles included in this publication! Freddie Kruger becomes born again Christian! Tucker Pyles goes on a diet! Unbelievable! 20 Million Dollars to be won Wow!! I must buy this magazine!

Well we fooled you! Just like we did in the first edition of UBBA Magazine. None of the articles mentioned are there at all. As a matter of fact we have heaps better articles. Like I'm sure you’d rather read about my wife, Vanessa’s views on Christmas, rather than reading about Kermit the Frog winning a Mr Universe contest. And who cares whether 20 million dollars is up for grabs, its petty pennies anyway.  Most people I know use that sort of money as toilet paper and if you ever believed that Tucker Pyles would go on a diet well then you’re the biggest moron since... since...well since Tucker Pyles himself!

This week, Colin Hewgill gets to take a break and my darling wife, Vanessa takes up the slack. She will be interviewing a man well known in New Zealand for the money he fleeces out of his followers. This man gets more worship from the members of his church than Jesus does. Yes, I’m talking about Bishop Beven Tamaki. As much as I’d rather we kept this magazine free from religion, I think it’s great that my darling is getting to expose this particular charlatan for what he is.

Also taking a break this edition is our Horoscope writer Mad Dave as he has other things on his plate, but never fear, we will have our US correspondent bring you the horoscopes this week. Badkitty! Yes, Badkitty is brand new to the UBBA Magazine team and she will be a regular writer for us.  Check back next edition to see what else she has in store for you. 

We have our usual writers of course. We have Rog Fisher with more invaluable fishing tips and we’ve got my good buddy Wal who will wallop more of your worries. We also have Rabbit… or more correctly, Abbot Green back again. His article last month was a complete flop so Rabbit will be coming up with something more readable this month. Let’s hope its a darn sight better than his last effort.

We did have one complaint last edition and that was from Tucker Pyles himself. He complained that the final UBBA in the previous edition should have been his, not his twin brother Dufus. Tucker claimed that as UBBA Magazine was named after his pronunciation of the word UBBA, he should get to do the last UBBA as well as the first one. The publishing team agreed to allow Tucker to have the last UBBA and have given Dufus the last but one UBBA. i.e, the Penultimate UBBA. Lets hope that both men will be happy with that.

That’s really all I have to say as part of my introduction for this month, but the only problem is that the editor requires that I write at least 700 words. Therefore, I will need to add in a few extra paragraphs just to get my introduction up to the required length, so please excuse all this garbage I am currently typing. It’s really the only alternative I have. As you can see, without all this written diarrhoea, my introduction wouldn’t have even reached 600 words.

Well at last, I’m onto the final 100 words and I cannot apologise more profusely for having to make you read these last two paragraphs of drivel but as I said before I have to reach a certain number of words.

Well we’re almost there, well at least as much as I can be bothered typing. If the publishers don’t like it, I'll fire them. That’s right I'll buy up UBBA Magazine and sack the lot of them just like I did with Telecoms.

Anyway it’s time to get on with a bit of quality reading. I'll speak to you again next time we can be bothered putting another edition of UBBA Magazine on line. Have a great Christmas... or Yule... Or Saturnalia or whatever you celebrate. 



I think that the online edition of UBBA Magazine is brilliant! I especially loved Vanessa’s comments on video gamers. I for one really love playing Final Fantasy X, but it’s such a long game. If there really was a program called “Autogamer” that would be fantastic as I could just let it run, let it play Final Fantasy X on its own and I can go and do something else instead!

Tidus Auron

Dreams of the Faith

(Check out this latest edition of UBBA Magazine. You are in luck!)

I think that UBBA Magazine is very ubbery. I especially think that Tucker Pyles is a genius. His cooking column is truly ubbery. I have tried cooking some of his recipes and it is the most ubbery food I have ever tasted. You should give Tucker more articles to write, as he is the most ubbery writer in your magazine.

Pierre Croissant

Famous French Chef

(Tucker Pyles is an idiot and his cooking column is hopeless. It is in danger of being scrapped. He is even more of a moron for thinking that he can write in to the editor praising his own work, claiming to be a famous French chef!)

I take my hat off to UBBA Magazine. It just gets better and better. It will soon be the most popular online magazine ever, eclipsing even the popularity of our own MAD Magazine. Brilliant stuff. Keep it up.

Alfred E Neumann

Mad Magazine

I really enjoyed Hew's Interviews last edition. It was good to finally see an interviewer who doesn’t dilly dally around and gets to the point. He done a superb job and really went after the facts, the nitty gritty. Now we know the real Donald Trump, don’t we?

Morton Downey Jnr

USA

You picked the perfect person to answer letters in the problems columns. Will Ullman is perfect for the job and I think that WAL WALLOPS YOUR WORRIES will really spell the end of peoples problems. Wal is very sensitive to the reader’s problems. He shows genuine concern for the people that write in and handles each problem tactfully and with much wisdom. I congratulate Wal on doing a superb job writing the problems column.

Ghingus Khan

Mongolia

(The previous letter is not the only letter praising Wal, Also letters from: Norman Bates, Jason Vorhees, Charles Manson and The Pope)

I really must commend UBBA Magazine on the variety of different articles it publishes. It is really an all-round magazine where everybody can find an article that suits them. I think all the articles are brilliant and it’s great to read a non-offensive, genuine, non-prejudice, sensible, informative magazine that treats every subject with seriousness, tact and without bias. There are too many magazines around which treat everything as if it is a joke. This, I'm happy to say this is not one of those. Good work UBBA Magazine.

Rowen Atkinson

England

Feel free to write in letters about your opinions about UBBA Magazine. We would love to hear from you.

Also, if you have any regular articles you would like to contribute to UBBA Magazine please contact us. We are always on the look out for contributors and will give you credit where credit is due.

Simply contact the administrator of Recker’s World

Interviewer = Vanessa Dante

Vanessa: Hi folks and welcome to Dante’s Dialogues, where I Vanessa Dante, wife of business tycoon, Rex Cassidy, get to interview a celebrity. Well I can’t say he’s as big as Donald Trump or anyone that Colin Hewgill has got to interview in the past, but then again, this is my first one. I’m actually getting to interview a controversial pastor from New Zealand, a guy who likes to torment homosexuals and who fleeces millions of dollars out of his gullible followers. Yes, you New Zealanders out there know who I’m talking about. I’m talking about the head of the Density Church, Bishop Jesus Tamaki.

Tamaki: That’s Bishop BEVEN Tamaki!

Vanessa: Oh, I’m sorry about that, it’s just that your followers seem to treat you like you really ARE Jesus.

Tamaki: I would never try to put myself alongside Jesus Christ, the son of the almighty God.

Vanessa: Well you seem to be doing a good job of it. You’re making yourself even bigger than Jesus himself. In fact, I don’t believe Jesus wore anything as immaculate as you. I mean how expensive is that suit you’re wearing right now?

Tamaki: It’s hardly relevant is it?

Vanessa: Oh no, of course not, your multi-million dollar lifestyle is nothing, in fact I’m sure you’d give it all up for Jesus, right now, wouldn’t you?

Tamaki: If he so requested it, but so far he hasn’t.

Vanessa: Of course, he hasn’t, because God would never request anything from you that you wouldn’t be prepared to do, would he? It’s funny how God’s wants and desires always tend to line up people's own, isn’t it?

Tamaki: I would say that I align my wants and desires alongside of God’s

Vanessa: Oh like, persecuting homosexuals and other minority groups? That’s God’s desire?

Tamaki: There is a big difference between persecution and standing up against immorality.

Vanessa:  (smiling) Funny, I never heard of Jesus standing outside the Roman senate, picketing against people and promoting hate amongst his followers. The only time I ever heard of him making a stand was when he rampaged through the temple vandalising people’s belongings. What’s immoral to me is seeing someone making it rich at the expense of others and remaining in that wealth while millions starve to death. I’m sure Jesus wouldn’t have. He would have taken every penny he had and given it away.

Tamaki: Isn’t that rather hypocritical of you to criticise me? After all, both you and your husband are multi-millionaires. Why don’t you give it all away to the poor?

Vanessa: I give away a lot of money, but I don’t claim to be a follower of Jesus. I do not have a holy book that commands I do that sort of thing. I’m not the one preaching about how people should give their money to my church, nor am I fleecing every penny I can from those on lower incomes. (smiles again) My wealth came from multi-million dollar skin care and fashion companies. So please, don’t try to compare me to you. I’m nothing like you.

Tamaki: God has a job for me and that job requires a lot of financial resources. Density Church funds many ministries and helps a lot of people. I also tithe back to the church, a lot of the money I receive from the church.

Vanessa: I see. Putting some of the money back where you got it from in other words. That would be like me walking up to a beggar on the side of the street and stealing the money from his pot and then putting some of it back in so that I wouldn’t feel so guilty about what I stole in the first place. How generous of you, Beven! So instead of keeping say 50,000 dollars for the week, you may only keep 45,000 instead?

Tamaki: God’s desire is for me to remain doing what I’m doing and so I align my desires with his will.

Vanessa: Of course, and you being supernaturally empowered by God, means that you get to choose your desires, unlike everyone else on this planet. It must be wonderful to have that ability of being able to chop and change how you feel about things simply because some God wants you to. (smiles) I’m so glad I don’t live in that fantasy world you belong to, Bishop Tamaki. So very glad. Although it must be nice to be able to relieve yourself of the burden of feeding the poor, tending the sick etc etc by convincing yourself that God wants you to keep all those millions of dollars for yourself. Very nice indeed.

Tamaki: I’m not liking your insinuations. Perhaps we can move on to other questions?

Vanessa: Sure. I’d like to address your status amongst your church members. There are a lot of churches in New Zealand. Mainstream, modern churches and they all have pastors. You too were once simply a pastor. Why would you suddenly elevate yourself over all the pastors in New Zealand by making yourself a bishop?

Tamaki: It was my church that bestowed that honour on me.

Vanessa: Wouldn’t a man who was humble like Jesus, refuse such an honour? Wouldn’t he say that it elevates himself too high above everyone?

Tamaki: I am still the same Beven Tamaki.

Vanessa: But now, your church members have to swear allegiance to you. They have to stand when you enter and wait for you to start eating before they do. Why on earth would you allow that?  Even Jesus didn’t expect that from his followers. Next you’ll be expecting people to break open bottles of expensive alabaster perfume to wash your feet with.

Tamaki: Look, I didn’t come here to be criticised and ridiculed.

Vanessa: I’d just like to know why you are elevating yourself so high. Why is it, that a man, who preaches to others to be like Jesus, is nothing at all like Jesus?

Tamaki: I think I’ve had about enough of this interview.

Vanessa: I’m sorry, are the questions too difficult for you to answer?

Tamaki: I think you just want to try to make me look bad.

Vanessa: And you haven’t done that yourself already long before this interview?

Tamaki: Enough. Can I have the recording device switched off now, please?

Vanessa: Fine.

{What Bishop Tamaki didn’t know, was that another device was also recording the interview}

Tamaki: I really did not think that I would be getting hung drawn and quartered. Most interviewers just ask questions and don’t judge.

Vanessa: We at UBBA Magazine aren’t just going to pussy foot around. We ask the hard questions and we dig the dirt. We expose people for who they are.

Tamaki: I like the words you’re using there, sugar. Hard? Dirty? Exposing oneself? Ha ha. You know, one of the things about being a bishop in the church is I get lots of perks when it comes to the ladies. So err… how about you and I…AGGHHH! {CRASH! BANG!}

Vanessa: Keep your dirty hands of me, you creep! {SMASH! CRUNCH!}

Tamaki: OWWWW! FUCK! YOU BI…  EEEEOOWWWW! SORRY! I’M SORRY! Ah shit, you broke my fucking arm! AGHHHHH!

Vanessa: You sleazy piece of crap! How dare you think you can make a pass at me. Security, get this creep out of here.

Tamaki: I’m sorry! I’m really sorry. Please don’t publish this. I’ll pay UBBA Magazine not to.

Vanessa; Get him out!

Security: Yes, Ms Dante.

Christmas – Ba Humbug!                By Vanessa Dante

Don’t get me wrong, I love Christmas. It’s a time to spend with family and friends and enjoy some roast turkey and other Christmas trimmings. But there are a few things getting to me already and I’m only in my 20s.

The thing that’s really bugging me this year is this so called war on Christmas. Apparently in some more pedantic parts of the world, there are a lot of people upset because others are now starting to say “Happy Holidays” rather than “Merry Christmas” as if Christians have some kind of monopoly on Yuletide celebrations. They seem to have this bizarre belief that it’s some kind of war and people are doing it just to persecute them. Apparently these people want to keep the Christ in Christmas, even though Christ had nothing to do with the original Yule and Saturnalia celebrations.

I’m definitely no pagan, but I think we should go back to the way it was over 2000 years ago and return to the original origins of Christmas. So instead of “Merry Christmas” or “Happy Holidays” it should be “Yuletide greetings to all” or “Have a gay old Saturnalia” or something like that.

The same should go for other special celebrations and holidays too. For instance instead of celebrating the Christian festival of Halloween (All Hallowed Saints Eve), I think we should go back to celebrating the original pagan festival of Samhain. I really don’t think we should be allowing Christians to usurp this holiday as they have done with Yule and Saturnalia. And as for Easter… we should just go back to the way it was before Jesus lived, to the original… well… the original EASTER!

But anyway, back to Christmas. Another problem I have with this season is the fact it’s happening even when it’s not Christmas. In November people are putting up Christmas trees and shops have all the decorations up. I applaud their enthusiasm, but as the song says there are only 12 days of Christmas not 30. So let’s not get carried away here. If we were to have 30 days of Christmas then that old favourite song would go on all day long. Imagine it… “on the 30^th day of Christmas my true love sent to me… 30 alkies drinking, 29 children squabbling, 28 mother-in-laws moaning, 27… sigh! ” It would be like singing “A hundred bottles of beer on the wall”. We don’t want that, do we?

And talking about Christmas music, I know I’m not the only one who hates it. I mean there are some good songs but it’s always the bad ones that get played over and over again. I was listening on the radio this morning and after playing the extremely annoying “Snoopy’s Christmas”, the DJs were talking about how their station manager was only allowing ONE Christmas song per day and one of the DJs was moaning and groaning about how they should be able to play a lot more (And I’m writing this on the 1^st of December! It’s not even bloody Christmas yet!).

OMG! Come on now! One is more than enough. It’s too bloody much. What do they think we are… masochists? If we want to flagellate ourselves we can always go and play our own Christmas music. In fact, I could go away now and drive a pencil into my eardrum and it would have the same affect! Please, do not make us listen to Christmas music, especially when it's not even Christmas yet. After all, isn’t that exactly the same as blowing cigarette smoke into someone’s face? 

Please stop. Please! The only time I want to listen to Christmas music is on Christmas Day, because then I can drink plenty of wine to numb the pain. 

Click to enlarge the next article.

Judgement Day

As a Christian, Judgement Day will be an exciting day! If you are a true Christian like me, you will know that you will get a free pass to Heaven and you will get to see all those horrible people you don’t like being judged, humiliated and cast into God’s eternal barbeque pit. Hallelujah! Won’t that be a glorious day, brothers and sisters? Oh yes it will. It will be a marvellous day. All those false Christians who claim to be Christians who aren’t, will be burnt to a crisp along with them. The Baptists, the Catholics, the Mormons, the Pentecostals, the Brethren…. All of them! Writhing in absolute agony for their sins.  Praise God! Glory hallelujah!

Imagine the thrill you will have at the thought of Heaven and the amazing paradise you will live in. Think of the people who will be there. You will get to rub shoulders with famous bible characters like Moses, Abraham and Jonah. You will also get to hang out with celebrities… at least those who have given their lives to Christ.

You may even be surprised at who you see there. People you least expect who may have given their lives to Christ before they die! You could even see Adolf Hitler there! HALLLELUJAH! Imagine if he had repented before his death. He could be in Heaven with you! Wouldn’t that be wonderful, my brothers and sisters to get to rub shoulder with a man like that! PRAISE THE LORD! You will LOVE Adolf and he will LOVE You! GLORY!

But beware, my brothers and sisters. If you do not follow the true gospel, if you are not a true Christian you will not get to be in Heaven to hang out with the likes of Adolf. Do not let this scenario happen to you…

Judgment Day had arrived. A man floated up to Heaven where he stood and awaited in the crowds for his chance to stand before God to give an account of his life. Another went up to God before him and the man who stood in the crowds was horrified to see who it was. It was Adolf Hitler.

The man stood there marvelling, unable to believe that he was about to witness Adolf give an account of his life. He would get to see possibly the world’s most evil man dragged away to burn in hell.

Adolf approached God, his head hung low in shame.

‘Adolf,’ said God. ‘What makes you think I’d ever let someone like you into Heaven?’

‘You wouldn’t.’ Adolf had tears in his eyes and he fell to his knees. ‘I don’t deserve to go to Heaven. I have done much evil in my life.’

‘That’s an understatement!’ God said. ‘You had hundreds of thousands of people, particularly Jews, murdered brutally. Most of whom are burning in hell now as we speak, because they had no further chances to accept me as their lord and saviour! If you hadn’t had them murdered, they might have had a chance to redeem themselves. But you prevented that from happening.’

‘Yes. I realize that,’ bawled Adolf. ‘I have done so many terrible things, but lord, I repented on my deathbed. I realized how evil I had been and I am so sorry.’

‘Yes. I could see that you were sincere when you repented on your deathbed. You are truly sorry for the evil you have done and you have always believed in me and that I was the son of God. But your crimes against myself and humanity are so great, don’t you think so, Adolf?’

‘Yes, I realize that.’ Adolf rose slowly to his feet and looked at God. ‘I do not deserve to live, especially due to all those Jews I condemned to Hell. I will take responsibility for my evil acts. I will take any punishment you see fit. I deserve to burn in hell along with those Jews.’

The man watched on, feeling confident that God would have him taken to hell, but was shocked when God placed his hand on Adolf’s shoulder. ‘By your faith Adolf, you are redeemed. Your act of repentance on your deathbed shows me you are sorry for what you’ve done, so I forgave you for your heinous acts. You are righteous in my eyes. Welcome to Heaven, Adolf.’

The man’s jaw dropped as Angel’s came and led a smiling Adolf away. He couldn’t believe it. How could history’s most evil man be going to Heaven after all the things he did?

God motioned the man over. At first the man hesitated, but then with renewed confidence he approached, If a man as evil as Hitler could be shown mercy, then this was truly a merciful God. He would surely not throw him into hell.

‘So what have you done with your life?’ God asked.

‘My God, I gave my life for you. I lived a good Christian life. I studied my bible, I prayed, I gave to the poor. I have always given you praise.’

‘And which denomination of Christianity did you follow?’

‘Well I was part of the Baptist church for a number of years, but then I decided that I disagreed with their teachings. I in fact became disillusioned with organised religion and decided I was not part of any denomination.’

‘So you started up your own version of Christianity?’

‘No! Well… I didn’t mean to. I believed I was being led by the Holy Spook.’

‘You fool! You were not being led by the Holy Spook. You allowed your own perspectives and opinions to sully the word of God!’

‘But… but what denomination was I supposed to be part of?’

‘It should have been obvious. Did not Pastor Jake try to convince you to become part of his ministry?’

‘Yes, but I disagreed with many of his teachings.’

‘You fool! Pastor Jake was my man on the spot, there to try to guide you to the truth! You rejected him!’

‘But… but I didn’t know!’

‘If you listened to the Holy Spook, you would have known that Pastor Jake spoke the truth! You are NOT a true Christian! Therefore you must be roasted alive in my fiery barbeque pit!’

‘But… but… but what about Hitler! He wasn’t part of Pastor Jake’s denomination… was he? I mean he died before Pastor Jake was even born!’

‘He repented only moments before he was killed. How could he have even had a chance to study the bible, let alone obtain the correct interpretation of it?’

‘But… but how was IIII to know! Pastor Jake’s teachings just seemed so warped to me!’

‘They were the truth. You just weren’t willing to open your mind to the truth. You chose to defy me and remain in your own false beliefs. Because of that you must suffer. Angels! Take this despicable sinner away and make him suffer for ALLLLL eternity!!

*          *          *

My brothers and sisters… heed the warning. Do not be like that man! You must embrace the truth not the lies you have been fed. Follow me, my brothers and sisters. Follow me into truth and please support the ministry by donating as much money as you can.

Thank you and AMEN!

Letters to Pastor Jake

Dear Pastor Jake,

In the previous edition of UBBA Magazine you talked about Cockatrices and Satyrs being mentioned in the bible. Don’t you realise that they are referring simply to vipers and mountain goats? You need to get a more modern translation of the bible.

Michael Gulliberty

Dear Michael,

God bless you, but I am not interested in modern translations. I am only interested in ACCURATE translations. I only want to read TRUSTED translations, not modern versions that have altered meanings of words to get around the uncomfortable parts of the bible. Those creatures were hardly vipers or mountain goats. They were what the bible says they were, it’s just that now those creatures have become extinct. Michael, my dear boy, just because something in the bible is embarrassing or horrific doesn’t mean you can just sweep it under the carpet. That is disingenuous.

Dear Pastor Jake,

Thank you for your great advice in last month’s UBBA Magazine. I agree that preaching the gospel is a very uncaring and cruel thing to do. The last thing we want is people knowingly rejecting Jesus Christ. The problem is that most people know about Jesus now. It’s hard to get through life without hearing it somewhere. Surely, the damage has been done and the best we can do is continue to preach the terrible news of Jesus Christ?

Simon Bennett

Dear Simon,

We should warn people. We should tell anyone that if anyone comes to them and mentions the name Jesus that they run away in terror. They should refuse to listen. I would even suggest that preaching of the gospel be made illegal, particularly when it comes to children. If people are not allowed to listen, or if they refuse to listen, they cannot then hear the terrible news of Jesus Christ and thus avoid being in the horrible position of being able to reject it and burn for all eternity in God’s barbeque pit.

Dear Pastor Jake,

I’m a pretty amazing guy, in fact if people realised just how amazing I was, they’d be worshiping me like a god. In fact, I’m thinking of starting my own religion. Is there any advice you can give me?

Tucker Pyles (UBBA Magazine column writer)

Dear Tucker,

I believe there is only one true god and that is Jesus Christ, but by all means if you wish to start your own religion, then go right ahead. In fact, the best way to learn how to start your own religion is to read the bible itself, particularly the writings of St Paul. Like Paul did, he took the teachings of Jesus and twisted and turned them to create his own version of Christianity, which many people follow today - choosing his teachings over Christ’s. Perhaps you could do something similar as many have done since?

Disclaimer: UBBA Magazine in no way endorses Aunty Lil’s methods.

Hello, it’s your Aunty Lil here to give you more much needed advice on parenting. It horrifies me these days how brats can just run around and do whatever they like and there’s all this nonsense about kids reporting their parents to the police simply because they were disciplined. It’s getting to the stage now where even just taking away privileges is seen as child abuse.

I think it’s ridiculous!

Back in the good old days, children wouldn’t dare disrespect their parents because they would get a good belt around the backside if they didn’t. For me I was a perfect little angel, so I didn’t need any of that, but my son Tucker was a horror. He was always spilling his milk or crying over silly things. When he was about three years old, he made a big fuss over a bee sting to his foot. Waa waa! Crying like a little baby. I’d never heard a rigmarole being made over something so trivial. The way I always used to deal with bee stings was to hunt down the entire hive and have the lot of them eradicated! But oh, no, my pathetic three year old, had to be a big cry baby and act like he’d just had his entire foot bitten off.

There’s one thing I can’t stand and that’s children crying over nothing, so I said, ‘Oh quit your crying you little wuss or I’ll give you something to cry about!’ and then I sent him off to bed without any dinner. If there’s one thing, my son Tucker hates more than anything is missing out on a feed so it always did the trick. However, I don’t always take the soft approach. One time, at about the same age, he stole a cookie from the cookie jar. That’s one thing you don’t do around the Pyles house and that’s steal food. I gave him a good strapping with my belt that time.

That’s what kids need these days.  A good strapping. It shows them respect and who’s boss. But for some silly reason that’s called abuse these days, so I’ve come up with a list of other great punishments you can give your children that don’t involve good old fashioned wallopings.  I’ve used these on my kids and they do wonders:

• ·        If they swear or get cheeky, don’t just wash their mouth out with soap, as children develop a taste for it after a while. Tucker used to actually eat the soap in the bathroom after I started applying that punishment. Instead, wash their mouth out with extra strong mustard.
• ·        If a child soils themselves, tie them to the potty for an hour or so. That’s how I toilet trained Tucker when he was 6 years old.
• ·        If a child goes out of the house without permission, tie him to a chair in the lounge and make him watch Coronation Street. I found it useful to obtain one of those eyelid clamps like those from the movie “A Clockwork Orange” which prevents the child from closing their eyes so they can’t watch.
• ·        If they play up at Christmas time, then eat all their Christmas presents. Same goes for birthdays and also celebrations like Easter when you can eat their Easter Eggs. Due to Tucker’s constant misbehaviour, he never got any Christmas, or birthday gifts. And no Easter eggs either.
• ·        Destroying their favourite toy. There’s no better way to get a child to do what they’re told than destroying their favourite toy. I found tearing apart teddy bears and dolls and leaving them dismembered on the child’s bed was a good deterrent for crappy behaviour, especially when they were really young.

That is just a few ways to deal with wayward children, but there are many other as equally effective methods I have used in the past, which you will no doubt hear about in future editions of UBBA Magazine. Be sure to tune in next time for some more perfect parenting advice from yours truly.

Love Aunty Lil

PS: Don’t bother sending in letters. I have no time to waste on clueless parents who have no common sense. Use your brain!

                       Brought to you by Badkitty

Taurus Apr 20 - May 20

Taureans tend to be stubborn, determined and persistent. Their tenacity sees them through tough times, and pulls others through theirs.

Many people admire you for your strength and stalwart courage in times of storm. The rest of us know you're just a complete asshole who cannot admit when you are wrong.

Good occupations for a Taurus include crocodile habitat corpse removal, moving car repair and stopping runaway airplanes with your own stupid ass.

Gemini May 21 - Jun 20

Geminis tend to be flexible, charming, well-spoken and smooth with their love interest pursuits. Many a high powered CEO possess Gemini charm.

You, however, have none of that. Yes, you were born in the date range. Frankly, it's because your parents had nothing else to do during the long cold season in the United States. They don't like you, either, but they pretend to. Live with that, you two faced dork.

While most Geminis are good at anything they try, you pretty much suck. Good occupations would include serving as a crash test dummy, submitting for dubious medical experiments and paint dryer.

Cancer Jun 21 - Jul 22

The Crab represents the sign of Cancer. Industrious, resourceful, especially adaptive to your environment, that's the typical Cancer.

And that's you to a "T". You have learned how to steal effectively from your friends and family, and they all know it. They're just waiting for you to do it at a monetary level equivalent to a felony so they can lock your useless face up.

Good occupations for you include not dropping the soap, begging profusely in a raspy whisper and pissing your pants.

Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22

Leo the Lion...for whatever reason, someone a long time ago decided that Lions are King of the Jungle, although they don't live in Jungles.

This couldn't be more fitting, because you're chronically out of place and nearly useless in most capacities. You also frequently smell horrid, but those around you are reticent to bring it up because they just don't want that much contact with you.

Good occupations include desert island sole occupant, underwater electrician and food tester for despised dictators.

Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22

Let's be real. You haven't been a Virgo in a long, long time, you filthy bed hopper. You have taken the Walk of Shame so many times that your community is surprising you next year with a plaque naming it in your "honor".

Good occupations would include ingestion of penicillin in obscene quantities, condom tester and human petri dish.

Libra Sep 23 - Oct 22

Libras are purported to be creative, able to pick themselves up quickly and recover from failure, and are often people who smoke like creosote lined fireplaces.

You reek of cheap tobacco most of the time, and coffee companies have asked you to disassociate yourself from them because you are such a shameful trainwreck.

Good occupations include spittoon, elevator shaft urine cleanup and mop.

Scorpio Oct 23 - Nov 21

Scorpio, the Scorpion, with a sharp sting, is usually associated with a sharp wit and sharp tongue as well. Traits include thinking on your feet, pulling out the stops for results and wild successes.

This is a shame, since you will never be anything but that jackass in a cheap double knit polyester leisure suit and 10 dollar cologne, and the sign is completed wasted on you.

Good occupations include cheap toupee model, cheap suit model and shutting the hell up, like now.

Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21

Sagittarians are frequently forgotten in this world, hiding in the shadows of other people more successful than they are, but seething underneath with sensuous energy. Once tapped, that energy ropes in your love interest.

You should let them out of your basement and turn yourself in to the police.

Good occupations are prison "friend", suppository tester and nuclear waste.

Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19

Capricorns are represented by some kind of goat or something similarly nimble, or whatever. Your birthday falls around Xmas so seriously, who gives a rat's ass who you are? Give me my stuff.

Good occupations include nothing. There's nothing you will ever be good at.

Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18

Aquarius is a definite hippie sign, with a huge musical number dedicated to this enlightening, humanitarian, loving shift in the Earth's planets and stars.

However, to make it very clear, we all know you are a fake ass hippie. You like all the jargon and the funky clothes but you're a rank poser, and you always will be.

Good occupations include portable toilet valet, chronic third wheel and smelly. Just smelly. How else can I put this so you understand...

Pisces Feb 19 - Mar 20

Your sign tends to lean into balance, both the feminine and the masculine, the East and the West, the ugly and the beautiful.

Well, not so fast there...five out of six will be the best you are ever going to do. Nobody has ever been as unbalanced as you are, sunshine!

Good occupations include taking your meds, chewing through your restraints and long stares into nowhere.

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But that’s not all! Due to all the time you will save, you will now have time to do something constructive! You will actually be able to go out and socialise, or get that work done around the house, or just go out and have a good time! Just think of the possibilities! You can have a real life rather than an imaginary one!

No longer is there a need to waste thousands and thousands of hours of your precious life sitting in front of a video game. Simply plug in AutoGamer to your console or computer and it will play the game for you!

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Click on image to enlarge

A monthly column where readers send in letters with personal problems to solve. Our psychological expert Will Ulman (Alias Wal) has the answers and will gladly give his advice free. Remember, if you too have a problem (no matter how stupid it is... even if its a made up one) just send in your letter and Wal will give sensitive, caring advice to help you solve it.

Dear Wal

I have a real big problem. I can’t stop listening to One Direction music. What the hell do I do? I don’t want my IQ to drop any further.

Lousy-Music Fan

Reply

You really do have a problem, don’t you? I suggest a psychiatrist named Joffrey Hanson, who you can find on line by doing a Google search. He has a specialty of dealing with people who are suffering from being fans of One Direction.  It will probably require a few weeks stay in a mental asylum and some serious shock treatment, but it’s worth it in the end.

Dear Wal

I am most confused. Every time I write an Anonymous letter or one under an assumed name to UBBA magazine, including your own column everybody knows it’s me who wrote it? How do they know and how can i write an anonymous letter without it being recognised?

Tucker Pyles

Reply

You’re a complete cretin. We automatically know it’s a letter from you because it’s all verbal diarrhoea. You exaggerate so much that instantly we know it’s you because you’re the only one who writes such tripe! Try being honest for a change.

Dear Wal

I find your replies to people’s letters very condescending and degrading. I object to the way you put your clients down and make fun of them and I think that somebody else less obnoxious should be writing your column!

Annoyed

Reply

Your just a repulsive little prat and frankly I don’t care what you say you geek. One things for sure I’d rather be obnoxious than a mentally retarded little twit like you!

Dear Wal

I am 25 yrs old and find it very hard to concentrate on my work. It never used to be like this when I was younger. The quality of my work is getting poorer and poorer all the time. What should i do?

Losing it

Reply

Stop listening to rap music, it rots your brain. Try heavy metal instead.

Dear Wal

Last month I wrote in complaining that I was lonely and was so ugly that I couldn’t get a girlfriend. Well I took your advice and wore a paper bag over my head. I went one step further and put a picture of your benefactor, Rex Cassidy's face on the front of it. I wear this paper bag all the time now, but now I have more problems. There’s too may girls after me now. I can’t keep up with them all. All my nights are booked up and its wearing me out. I can’t cope with all the attention. What do I do now?

Enough is enough

Reply

Try switching the picture of Rex with one of Tucker Pyles. That should solve your problems.

Dear Wal

I’ve got this problem with fishing. I know what you’re going to say, why don’t I write to Rog Fisher about my fishing questions? Well i did and he sent a letter back to me telling me to go to the fish and chip shop instead. My problem was that every time I go out fishing in my boat it ends up sinking. I just can’t figure out why it’s happening and there doesn’t seem to be any holes in the boat at all. What can I do?

Distraught Fisherman

Reply

Why ask me? I solve personal problems not technical problems, you moron. But as it happens I do know a little about boats as I have a boat of my own, a luxury yacht in fact. It never sinks, so my advice to you is to go buy a luxury yacht.

Dear Wal

How do I get rid of pimples? Clearasil doesn’t work!

Acne Sufferer

Reply

Try buying a bottle of Scum, the stuff that was advertised in the previous edition of UBBA Magazine. It will make you sterile, but it would be worth it to get rid of the pimples.

Synopsis:

Adam returns to Pungaru High, after being seriously ill in hospital for several weeks, to find a wacky new principal running the school. This principal has made bizarre rule changes including cancellation of maths classes and inclusion of computer games classes, thus turning the place into Adam’s dream school.

However, students begin to disappear one by one, including one of Adam’s best friends. More new teachers start at the school and Adam begins to realise there is more than simple child abductions going on here. The truth is far more sinister and horrifying.

‘It’s Mr Venables!’ Darren nudged Adam.

The class quietened as he stepped up to the front of the class. He was a tall, smiley individual and greeted the class cheerfully with what Adam realised was a strong Australian accent. ‘Ladies and gentleman, boys and girls, I’m afraid we have still not managed to get in a replacement for Mr Bastion. So I’m happy to announce that today’s period is going to be a free one.’

They all cheered at that news. This was a first for Adam, as no teacher had ever given them a free period before.

‘All I ask is that you stay here in the classroom and do something quietly. As long as there are no reports of rowdiness or unacceptable behaviour, you’ll have no problems with me.’

‘Mr Venables, when will we get a replacement?’ pimply faced Dora Collins spoke up. Everyone knew her as a bit of a prude and she could be quite annoying at times.

‘Not too sure yet. But until then, I’m sure you can keep yourselves occupied in English class. Read a book or something. Hell, read a comic, I don’t mind. In fact, I really must ensure we get comics brought into the library. What’s a library without comics? A pretty boring one if you ask me!’

The bespectacled girl tapped her desk with her fingers. ‘Mr Bastion says comics are not appropriate reading material at school. He doesn’t like them.’

‘Pah!’ Mr Venables waved his hand in the air. ‘What would he know? That probably explains why he was teaching English instead of running the school.’

‘Why aren’t we getting a reliever in?’ Dora asked.

He gave a snort that almost sounded like a snicker. ‘Why would you want a reliever? I mean, really, what’s the point? You wouldn’t do any work anyway, would you?’

‘I would.’

‘Good God girl, lighten up. This is a high school, not a university. You’re only 14- year-olds. You’re not supposed to spend your whole day studying. What’s the point in coming to school if you can’t have a bit of fun sometimes? When I was at school, I hardly did any bloody work at all. I came to school to socialise, not learn.’

‘Yeah, tell her, Mr V!’ Will Stetson, one of the class tough guys called out.

‘Mr Venables,’ Jack piped up from a few desks away.

‘Please, please, call me Mr Vennie. No need to get all formal here. In fact, as of now, I’m going to establish a new rule. Every teacher must be given a nickname. Not a nasty one, mind you, but just a fun one. You can call Mr Drinkwater, Mr Passwater and Mrs Ledbetter, Mrs Bedwetter. Oh and Mrs Tantic can be Mrs Titanic, how about that?’

The class thought it was a great joke and laughed accordingly. Adam would have a lot of fun trying to figure out humorous names for all the teachers.

‘And what about Mr Ramsey the Maths teacher? You could have a lot of fun with that one. Mr Rahahahahamsey,’ he said, making the first part of the name sound like the baaing of a sheep. It sounded a bit like the noise of imaginary machine gun fire, the type Adam used to make in primary school, when playing war games with his friends.

The other students nearly fell to the floor with laughter. Only Darren had ever been game enough to call Mr Ramsey that to his face and had got into big trouble for it.

‘I don’t think Mr Ramsey will like that at all.’ Dora screwed up her nose.

‘Well if he doesn’t like it, tell him to come and see me. I’ll tell him to lighten up a little.’

‘Mr Vennie,’ Jack said again, ‘I heard rumours that we’re going to be able to have McDonald’s lunch orders.’

‘You heard right! I’m doing my best to make that a reality. But unfortunately, a few of the staff are against it. But don’t worry; I’m the principal, so it’s only a matter of time. What I say goes around here.’ He winked.

Dora put up her hand. ‘But Mr Venables, that’s not healthy. I thought the school had a policy about only having healthy food at the school canteen?’

‘Healthy Smealthy. Come now, young Dora, if you had a choice between filled rolls and Big Macs, which would you choose? I want people to enjoy coming to school. The food here should be the sort of food you want to throw in your mouth, not the sort of food you want to throw up.’

Adam leant over to Scott. ‘I like this guy. McDonald’s for lunch?’

‘Yeah, sure beats Vegemite sandwiches, man.’

Will Stetson called out. ‘Mr Ven, dude, last week Mr Bastion put me on detention. Do I still have to go?’

Mr Vennie looked over at him for a moment and smiled. ‘Nah! Don’t worry about it, Will, old chap. Who cares whether he put you on a detention or not? He was a total jackass anyway. What did you do?’

‘I called him a jerk.’

‘Well he is a jerk! The truth hurts. He didn’t like it, so he put you on detention. What a loser. I’ll have no teachers like that in this school. If a teacher is a jerk then they damn well need to hear it. There are some other staff here too, who I’m seriously considering giving the chop, if they can’t get their act together. If a teacher needs to put a student on detention, then they need to look at their disciplinary skills. A good teacher is one who earns the respect of their students.’

‘Woohoo!’ Will thrust his fist into the air.

The door to the classroom swung open and another teacher entered.

‘Whoa, it’s Mr Bryce!’ hissed Scott.

‘What the freak is he doing here?’ Darren said.

‘I don’t know, dude. But he looks pissed.’

‘Venables!’ the grey-headed ex-principal stormed into the room. ‘You low-down, underhanded snake!’

Mr Vennie stepped back suddenly, colliding with the whiteboard. An alarmed look crossed his face, but then as quickly as it came, it disappeared and he stood tall, putting on a staunch look. ‘Now, Mr Bryce, this is not the time or the place.’

‘I’ll give you the time and place!’ Mr Bryce moved towards him, but Mr Vennie circled around the wall, behind one of the students. Mr Bryce attempted to go round to get him, but the new principal quickly manoeuvred himself round behind another student, this time it was Jack.

‘Mr Bryce, you need to calm down right now. There is a class full of students here and you can’t just come marching in here making unfounded accusations!’

‘Unfounded accusations?’ Mr Bryce’s wrinkled face looked as though it was about to explode. His green eyes blazed and he again tried to get around Jack to get to him. Mr Vennie darted around behind another desk. This time it was Adam’s and he moved in close behind him. Mr Bryce came from the opposite side and Adam sunk down in his chair just in case he got caught in the middle of a physical confrontation.

 ‘You set me up, Venables! Now don’t try to deny it, you falsified the evidence, just to get me fired!’

Mr Vennie gave an insane grin. ‘But you didn’t get fired. You quit.’

‘And how long before I did get fired? It was only a matter of time. You had me well and truly screwed!’

‘Now, now, Mr Bryce, I think you’re getting carried away here. Why would I want to set you up?’

‘You wanted my damn job!’ Mr Bryce made a lunge for the new principal, nearly swiping Adam’s head off in the process. The desk pushed into Adam’s stomach and he had to struggle to get to a more comfortable position. He wanted to move away from the desk, but he was sandwiched in between the two men.

‘Now, now, Mr Bryce.’ Mr Vennie chuckled anxiously. ‘I think you’re being counter-rational. I couldn’t possibly have set you up. I had no access to the school accounts. You need to calm down. Your actions here are only making matters worse. Look, you’re scaring the students.’ He patted Adam on the shoulder. Adam shivered and stared up at Mr Bryce, afraid of what he would do next.

The former principal looked down at Adam and his eyes softened. He looked around the class at all the frightened faces and took a step back. Adam relaxed and was finally able to breathe again.

‘I err… I’m sorry class.’ Mr Bryce sighed. ‘This is not appropriate. I shouldn’t be here.’ He turned and trudged toward the door, but swung around one more time to face Mr Vennie. ‘You haven’t heard the last of this, Venables! I’m going to prove it was you, mark my words. You’re going down!’

He left the classroom.

Entire novel available for sale on Smashwords:

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/675934

Also Tindle:

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B01M9GLM30

By Dufus Pyles

"OOOOOOOOOOOOOOBBAAAAAAAAAA!"

Disclaimer: All articles in this magazine are the views of the authors and none of it is to be taken seriously. Interviews are purely fictional and letters are not written by the assigned people.

All writings copyrighted, UBBA Magazine 2015