Edition 4 - Mar 2016

Hi there folks. No this edition is not the same as the last one, even though it has Whacko Jacko on the front cover again… RIP. No, this time we decided to redo the previous edition and jazz up the headlines a bit, make them a little more eye-catching. Hey of course they're all true, it's just that we had our regular investigative reporter dig a little deeper to find out the real facts, as you remember, Tucker Pyles done the job last edition and it was an appalling effort.

Speaking of old Scrambled Witts, once again he has complained, He complained about the placement of his cooking column in the magazine and he also complained that Dufus Pyles has been given The First UBBA. Tucker feels that he should get it for the usual reasons. The publishers in their infinite foolishness have given in to Tucker once more and will be allowing him to have UBBA's throughout the whole magazine, so just expect a few, as you’re reading the various articles this edition. You never know when Tucker will jump in with his catchphrase…

‘UUUUBB...’

‘Shut up Tucker you’re not doing one during my introduction!’

‘UuBBAA!’

‘Rack off!’

‘Oh, OK Rex

Drokk! If you ask me, it’s getting totally ridiculous. Just because the name of this magazine is UBBA Magazine, Tucker thinks he has total control over the whole publication. Well I tell you, no eejit’s gonna interrupt my introduction that’s for sure!

Anyway, let’s get back to Edition 4 of UBBA Magazine. This edition on Hew's Interviews, Colin will be interviewing one of New Zealand’s biggest crooks. Yes, a guy even more dodgy than Bishop Bevan Tamaki. The guy Colin is interviewing is doing more than just taking advantage of gullible Christians, he’s taking advantage of the entire country! I’m sure Col will expose him for the what he really is… a man intent on destroying this country.

There will be no joke of the month in this edition or in future editions. Why is that you ask? Well the Joke in Edition 3 was just so freaking brilliant, there’s just no way it could ever be bettered! So why even try? It was one of those types of jokes that just make you laugh over and over and it never loses its funniness. Because it’s such a brilliant joke, I just have to repeat it for the benefit of you readers out there. Ha Ha Ha Ha! Even just thinking about it makes me crack up Ha! HA! Ha! Here it is, last edition’s joke of the month again... “TUCKER PYLES!!” HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!. HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA Oh boy…! Ha Ha HA HA… what a joke ... ha ha ha ha ha, Drokk, Ha ha ha ha ha… Hey, you don’t need to type all these laughs down you know… Ha ha ha ha ha… ok then, fine, keep typing… ha ha ha ha ha ha! Excuse me folks, but you can’t just help but laugh ha ha ha ha ha! That joke was just pure genius… what, you’re still typing these laughs? Ok, I guess UBBA Magazine have hired a really dedicated woman to do my transcriptions. HA Ha Ha Ha Hal! But moving on…

Badkitty, our US correspondent, is back with her handy car care tips and this month we will get part one of a story written by her. Check it out. "The Romance of Abilene and Winston."  I for one am very keen to see where this story leads.  

There is a special contest this edition. Somewhere written in this edition of UBBA magazine is the word Gallbladder. If you find this word and send in an email stating which article it is included in and which line of that article it is on, we will send you a cheque for one million dollars...only the first ten who get their letters to us though, will win the dosh.

But anyway, that’s the introduction for this edition. Let the lunacy begin…

Rex Cassidy

I’ve just finished reading the full version of Recker’s “Dead End High” and I think it’s brilliant. Is he planning on making it in to a movie? If so I’d love to direct, or produce it.

Stephen Spielberg

Hollywood

(He says he'll think about it. He has had other such offers from Ron Howard, George Lucas, Quentin Tarrentino and Peter Jackson)

I can’t believe the audacity of that Colin Hewgill, the way he humiliated the royal family in his interview last edition. He treated them appallingly! Fancy calling the queen an old duck! This is total disrespect of the worst kind! They are the royal family and should be treated so. Not as a bunch of Jackasses as Colin seems to think they are! UBBA Magazine should replace Colin Hewgill with someone else… maybe let Vanessa Dante take over the interviewing completely. He should also be made to make a public apology over the way he treated them all

Dame Jude Dench

England

 (Message from Colin Hewgill: Sod off you old fogey!)

UUUUUUUUUBBAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

Tucker Pyles (UBBA Magazine columnist)

New Zealand.

I was quite amazed to hear that they had finally found Michael Jackson’s other glove. After all this time too. So sad that he isn’t alive today as I’m sure he would be so delighted to have that glove back.  Funnily enough, when he was alive I had no idea he had even lost it in the first place. In fact, I understood that he had given it to his plastic surgeon to use to change his skin colour. I guess that that was all just a load of nonsense. Michael had really lost his glove after all. It just makes me wonder though...How many socks did he wear?

Jimmy Barnes

Australia

I am absolutely appalled at Aunty Lil and her horrible parenting advice. What an abusive, sadistic woman she is. She is someone who doesn’t deserve to be a parent and should have had her children taken away from her. I can’t believe that UBBA Magazine would have someone like her on their writing staff. Her methods are criminal and she should be sacked immediately. It’s about time that people realise that children should be allowed to do anything they like without consequences. They should be allowed to run wild and disrespect their elders. They should be allowed to commit any crime they like and never have to be held accountable for it. Please, readers don’t listen to such ridiculous people as Aunty Lil!

Sue Bradford

New Zealand

Feel free to write in letters about your opinions about UBBA Magazine. We would love to hear from you.

If you have any regular articles you would like to add to UBBA Magazine please contact us. We are always on the look out for contributors and will give you credit where credit is due.

Simply contact the administrator of Recker’s World

Interviewer = Colin Hewgill

Colin: Hi Colin: Hewgill here with another one of my special interviews where we get down to the nitty gritty and find out the facts about people. This edition I'm interviewing another jock strap who nobody likes. He's been called a crook and he’s been called an idiot. He’s both, and he’s been accused of assisting bringing New Zealand to its knees and all in all, he’s made a total mess of this country. That’s right. With me today is none other than the New Zealand Prime Minister, the infamous John Key.

Key:  For a start Colin: I am not…

Colin:  Shuttup Key, I'm the interviewer here! You don’t say anything unless I ask you to, got it, Buckweed?

Key: Yes Colin:

Colin: I can’t say that it’s a privilege to interview you. In fact, I’d rather be interviewing Sir Robert Muldoon.

Key: But he's dead.

Colin: Yes, but even dead, he’s still more interesting and intelligent than you. But anyway, down to the nitty gritty. What do you have to say to allegations about you bringing this country to its knees?

Key: I think it’s a load of rubbish

Colin: What? Like the rubbish that comes out of your mouth? In fact the to say its rubbish is making it sound too good. More like verbal diarrhoea. I mean just look at the state of the nation. Huge debt. Assets sold off, and crappy soap operas still on TV after 20 years. What do you have to say to that?

Key: Crappy? Are you talking about Shortland Street? That’s one of my favourite TV shows. I never miss it.

Colin: No wonder this country is in such a mess. Sure, over there in the Beehive, it’s like one gigantic soap opera, but the acting is way worse. You all try to make out you’re honest politicians with the welfare of the country as your top priority, but we can see you don’t really mean it. We can see the insincerity. 

Key: Of come on! Of course, we care about this country. It’s why we do what we do. We want to make things better.

Colin:  Funny that all you do is make things worse. And your promises are a joke. Why don’t you keep your campaign promises?

Key: We have made improvements. The economy is better. The New Zealand dollar is strengthening.

Colin: Stop avoiding the question Buckweed! Since you’ve been in office you’ve broken every single promise and...

Key: We have not....!

Colin: Don’t interrupt, Toe Rag!  The fact is, you’ve done nothing but ruin this country since you’ve been in office! On top of it all you spend the tax payers money on trips overseas, expensive dinners and massive pay rises for yourself. Sounds pretty corrupt to me!

Key: Those accusations are exaggerated...!

Colin: Bollocks, they are! They're 100% true! You can’t tell me that you’re not in politics for the money?

Key: That’s part of it, but I…

..

Colin: See? You’re just after the massive salary, perks and gigantic pension you yet when you retire, your nothing but a money grabber!!

Key: I also want to get this country back on its feet...!

Colin: But your one of the ones that brought it to its knees in the first place! Not all the public are dumb. Some of us know that the governments only trying to manipulate people. Make us all poor so that you can control us. Money is power is it not?

Key: It is, but…

..

Colin: See? You admit it! You’re showing us just what a money grabbing crook you are! Aren’t you?

Key: How am I supposed to defend myself if...?

Colin: Typical bloody politician, answering a question with a question. I’m the interviewer mate, I ask the questions around here! And don’t try to squirm your way out of it. You’re no good crook aren’t you...?

Key: I'm…

..

Colin: Glad you admit it! Finally some truth out of you! And the National party is just another branch of the Mafia isn’t it?

Key: The National...

..

Colin: Taxes are just another form of protection money aren’t they?

Key: Protection…?

Colin: Yes protection money! But you still beat up the little guy don’t you? Penalise the poor, reward the rich. That’s what governing the country is all about isn’t it?

Tucker: UUUUUBBAA...!

Colin/ and Key: Rack off, Pyles!

Tucker: But, I'm allowed to...

Colin: Tucker, don't even think about trying to interrupt this interview or I'll smash you one... Now look, Key. Why don't you just admit it? You're only in this for the money.

Key: Look, Colin, you can't…

Colin: You can’t get rich without stealing from the poor can you? You’re not Robin Hood, you’re the Sheriff of Notthingham

Key: Please! GIVE ME A CHANCE TO REPLY...!

Colin: No sorry times up. We’re at the end of the interview. Thanks for your time John.

Key: But....

(Sorry I had to cut this interview short. I was on the verge of clobbering John Key one. If you see him with a black eye, you’ll know it was from me.)

Click on above cartoon to enlarge.

Heaven                       By Vanessa Dante

There’s an old Talking Heads song that goes “The band in Heaven plays my favourite song. They play it once again, they play it all night long.” 

Everyone says Heaven will be this amazing place, but you know, I’m not sure sure about that. After a few gazillion years, I figure that things will get a little monotonous. After all there are only a finite number of things to do and a finite number of new things to learn, so somewhere in infinity, you’ll have learnt it all and done it all and then it’s just gonna be the same song over and over and over and… well you get the picture.

Appropriately the old Talking Heads song goes on to say... "When this kiss is over, it will start again. It will not be any different, it will be exactly the same.”

Not everyone is going to get to Heaven though. The sinners are going to end up in Hell. I’m sure that there will be a few people I really love going to Hell too and what bothers me is how am I going to enjoy Heaven when I know that some of my loved ones are writhing in the pits of Hell with no way out and no relief? It’s a horrible thought. And what’s more, apparently I’ll be rubbing shoulders with the guy who had them thrown in there!

Oh but surely, we’ll be having fun right? It will be a big long party when we’re not bowing at the feet of God praising and worshipping him. But what will we talk about at dinner parties?   I mean, what's a party without a bit of juicy gossip? But there will no gossip, because that's a sin. In fact nobody will do anything bad at all, so there will be nothing to gossip about. What will we talk about? The weather?

'Oh Frannie, wasn't it lovely weather we had yesterday?'

'Oh yes, it was fantastic weather.'

'And didn't we have great weather the day before too?'

'Fabulous!'

'And the day before that. And the day before that.'

'Yes, we get wonderful weather every day here in Heaven, don't we?'

Most of what we talk about comes as a result of sin, pain, suffering and the stupid things humans do.

'Wow, isn't Frank such a nice guy?'

'Yes, he's a wonderful guy, there's just nothing bad I can say about him. He's so thoughtful and kind.'

'What a guy. Oh and how about that Jill?'

'She's lovely. Such a wonderful lady.'

'As nice as Hannah?'

'She's just as nice as Hannah.'

Imagine it. There will be no complaining about your jerk of a boss...

'Jesus picked me to kiss his feet today!'

'That's wonderful, you are so lucky. I look forward to the day when it will be my turn to kiss his wonderful feet.'

…There will be no bratty kids to tell stories about...

'Nancy did you see what little Roger did yesterday? He ate all his vegetables without being told.'

'I know, he's been doing that for the last million years. So nothing's changed then?'

'No, he's still just as good at eating his vegetables.'

'That little boy from down the road was playing around in my yard yesterday! He weeded the garden and watered the plants.'

'Like he does every week?'

'Yes!'

'I don't know, kids today, they're always to thoughtful.'

…No whinging about the next door neighbours...

'How's that next door neighbour of yours?'

'Jack? He's great. He was playing his worship music too loud last night and I asked him to turn it down. Guess what? He turned it down!'

'How considerate of him!'

'Yes, he's a very considerate person.'

…No whining about the mother in law…

'I just love my mother in law, she's so lovely.'

'But isn't she always around? When do you get time alone with your wife?'

'But she's so wonderful, why would I ever not want her around?'

"UUUUUBBAAAAAAAAAA!"

And we would love everybody, including annoying morons like Tucker Pyles. What a horrible thought. 

"UUUuuBBAAAAAAA!"

Although I'm sure he would be in the other place.

"UUeeeeehhhhhhhhBBaahhhhhhh!"

Just like Tucker Pyles, there will be something else that won't be in Heaven. Stories of hardship and danger.

'I was driving into town this morning and there was this man in this car driving towards me! And he just stopped and gave way to me!'

'Yeah, drivers are like that here in Heaven. Totally considerate and courteous. So what happened after that?'

'I arrived at town.'

'Oh, so like the other billion times you drove into town then?'

'Yep!'

Without those things we'd have nothing to talk about. Conversation would be totally boring.

'Wow, John, wasn't this morning's worship service amazing? I get such a kick out of spending hours every day at God's feet, worshipping him. It was just so amazing this morning, I just had this astounding feeling as I worshipped him, it was phenomenal!'

'Yeah, yeah, I was there remember? I know! We all get that same thing. And it happened yesterday and the day before that and the day before that and the day before that! You've been telling me this, every day for the last million bloody years. How about we talk about something else for a change?'

'Like what?'

'Well... how about the amazing day we spent out enjoying God's creation yesterday?'

'Oh you mean like the days we've had for the last 10 billion years?'

'Yes! Isn't it wonderful?'

'It sure is! Sigh....'

Hmmmm… you know, I don’t think I really want to go to Heaven. It sounds more like Hell. 

Hi, Abbot Green here. Things haven't been too good on the  writing front lately. The publishers are demanding that I  come up with some decent material. They're threatening to  drop me completely from the editorial staff.

Because of this  I have decided to do a monthly column on a very exciting topic, dental care and how to take care of your teeth. 

If your fortunate enough to have bucked teeth like myself,  you will find that carrots do wonders when it comes to cleaning  your teeth. This month and the following months, I will be going  in to different aspects to do with dental care.

A famous dentist by the name of Russell Ferguson once was quoted as saying...

Editors Note=ARTICLE ABORTED 

I can't believe the drivel that comes out of Abbot Green's mind. This is garbage and the publishers will definitely not  be publishing trash like this now or in future editions. We really apologize for the low quality of work  that Abbot Green is churning out and we apoligise for the inconvenience to readers.  

Tucker Pyles Note = UUBBAAAAAAAA!!

By Tucker Pyles

"UUUUUBBAAAAAAAAAA!"

Part 1

By Badkitty

Prayer, you're doing it wrong - Part 2

In Edition 3 of UBBA Magazine, I talked about some of the major mistakes fellow Christians make when it comes to prayer. I pointed out the immorality of many Christian requests to God.

Brothers and Sisters, this is only scratching the tip of the iceberg though. What I wish to focus on today is avoiding the religiousness of prayer. It is surely a religious ritual as it is with the bowing of the head, the clasping of hands and the closing of eyes… and the fact that it’s often done as a ritual at specific times of the day eg before meals, bedtime, at specific times in a church service. Then there is the ritualistic agreeing with oneself at the end when we say “Amen.” However, my brothers and sisters, it need not be as religious as what people constantly make it.

Have you ever noticed how people who pray often put the word “Just” into the prayer…?

‘Oh lord, we pray that you would just allow your holy spirit to move amongst us tonight. We pray that you would just minister to those in need and that you would just fill them with a sense of your presence.’

Brothers and sisters, just how many things do you want Jesus to just do? Since when has prayer become such a religious ritual that you constantly used redundant words like that?

Another thing, my brothers and sisters, that has become very distracting for me is when the one praying has an annoying habit of addressing Jesus or God by one of his names every few seconds…

‘Oh lord, we pray that you would allow your holy spirit, father God, to move amongst us tonight, father God. We pray, Oh lord,  that you would minister, Lord God, to those in need and that you would fill them, lord God, with a sense of your presence, father God.’

Now I know you have heard prayers like that many times, my brothers and sisters. That is not an exaggeration. Just how many times does his name need to be mentioned in a prayer? Imagine this conversation and how ridiculous it would sound if done in reality. Let’s imagine Frank talking to Joe…

‘Hey Joe, it’s good to see you, Joe. I’m wondering Joe if you wouldn’t like to come along to my place tonight, Joe for a couple of beers, Joe. We could, Joe, watch the rugby game on TV, Joe.’

How absurd that conversation would be, yet with many Christians this is how they talk to God. It’s as if maybe they think God has Attention Deficit Disorder and needs his name used repeatedly just to make sure he’s focussed. ‘Hey God, listen up. No, don’t fidget, pay attention! Listen to what I’m saying God! Do I have to repeat myself to you??’

One of the worst things about some people’s prayers, brother and sisters, is the habit of some people using old-fashioned English when they pray…

‘Oh lord, we pray that thou wouldst allow thy holy spirit to move amongst us tonight. We pray that thou wouldst minister to those in need and that thou wouldst fill them with a sense of thy presence.’

I have seen the same thing when it comes to Christians giving words of wisdom from God, speaking in that same archaic English as if it’s somehow going to make their words sound more authentic rather than just made up from their own over active imaginations. What are you trying to prove here, brothers and sisters? Are you trying to make out you are somehow more pious than everyone else? Do you think that God speaks in archaic English and that you should do the same?

Imagine if you put all these three religious ways of praying together and what you would have…

‘Oh lord, we pray that thou wouldst just allow thy holy spirit, father God, to move amongst us tonight, father God. We pray, Oh lord,  that thou wouldst just minister, Lord God, to those in need and thou wouldst just fill them, lord God, with a sense of thy presence, father God.’

My brothers and sisters, it’s time to stop being so ridiculous when it comes to praying. And please please please, let me leave you with this one warning. Prayer is not supposed to be something done in public in front of people. It is supposed to be done privately. (Matt 6:6) Do not anger God by trying to impress non-believers with your false piety.

Letters

Dear Pastor Jake

I would like to support your ministry as I can see that you are truly a spokesperson from God. You are so wise. I’m amazed that I did not see some of this stuff before. Where can I send money to support your ministry?

Donald Moneybags

Dear Donald,

My ministry is always short of funds. We most definitely need more to be able to continue with the very expensive works of Jesus Christ. It costs a lot to run my private jet and fleet of limousines you know.

I feel that Jesus is saying you must send as much as you possibly can. He has told me you need to empty out your bank accounts and mortgage any property you might have and send it all to Pastor Jake Ministries. Jesus has told me that if you do that, he will bless you abundantly once you die, giving you much glory and rewards in Heaven.

Dear Pastor Jake.

UUUUUUUBBAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! Oh and by the way I took your advice and have been going around threatening people with great suffering if they do not join my religion and accept me as their slaver. I now have five followers, but they have been complaining that I never do anything I say I’m going to do. They especially question my divinity because I can’t perform miracles.

Tucker Pyles (UBBA Magazine columnist)

Dear Tucker,

This is where you need to learn some tricks so that people will think you can perform miracles. All you need to do is watch a few faith healers and you will soon learn some of the tricks of the trade. I will send you a link to a website where you can learn more about those tricks.

As for them complaining about you not keeping promises, just point out to them that no God ever keeps their promises, not even the bible God. Or if you don’t want to be honest about that, then just make up excuses and justifications. Explain that you work in mysterious ways, that your ways a higher than theirs and that they can’t hope to understand them. That should shut them up.

By Tucker Pyles

"UUUUUUBBAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!"

Disclaimer: UBBA Magazine in no way endorse the methods recommended by Aunty Lil

Hello, darlings, it’s your Aunty Lil back here to teach you more about good parenting. You know there was once a TV show called “Super Nanny”, which I’m happy to say didn’t last very long. Let’s face it most of her techniques don’t work in reality and those that do require you to waste so much time and go through so much stress! Why put yourself through all that when all it takes to sort most little brats out is a good smack around the backside! There are much easier ways to deal with brats. Realistic ways that don’t require you to pussy foot around like Super Nanny does.

Today I continue with my series on discipline. Last edition we talked about going through with your threats and that giving warnings is a sign of weakness. Today we talk about being consistent and setting boundaries.

Maintaining Discipline - Part 2

Be consistent

A problem I see with useless parents is that they are inconsistent with the rules. One day they’ll be in a bad mood so they punish their child. Other times they’ll be in a good mood and let them off. My advice to you is ALWAYS be in a bad mood!

It’s crucial that if you’re going to punish a child for on offence, that you punish them EVERY time without fail, otherwise they know they can get away with it, depending on what your mood is. In fact, they will take advantage of that and push you to your limits every time.

An instance of this for me, was that I made a rule of no picking your nose and eating it. If you do that, then you will be locked up in a cupboard for five hours. Tucker had a terrible problem with that, so would often be banished to the cupboard. In fact, EVERY time he picked his nose and ate it, he would receive that punishment. After about ten years, he realised that it just wasn’t worth violating that particular rule.

Set rigidly defined boundaries

A child needs rigidly defined boundaries. This enables them to know their limitations and what they can do without getting into trouble. That’s easy when they’re really young, you can just throw them into a playpen and leave them there, but when they get bigger they can climb out of the pen and then you have troubles. Sometimes I found it necessary to have them tethered to the playpen. If I took them out of the house, I would use a leash. A simple dog leash is good enough, although when they get bigger, a choker chain is more appropriate.

Having rules is an extremely important thing, but just be sure to enforce those rules and don’t let them have an edge. It’s important to show them that life is tough and not everyone is nice to you. That way when they get out into the real world they will fit right in.

……..

That’s it for this edition. Tune in next time where I wrap up this series on discipline. We will talk about how parenting is akin to a war and how rational talk is really completely irrational.

Love Aunty Lil

Click on article below to enlarge...

In this edition of UBBA Magazine, we have put in a special IQ test. It’s actually one we give Tucker Pyles to do because he always fails normal IQ tests, so we created this one for him. He was only able to get one question right.

Just to give you a hint, we've included the answers Tucker gave. That'll tell you what not to answer in all but one of the questions. The correct answers we've put at the end and also a rating just to see how intelligent you really are.

1) What is your name?

Rack Off Pyles (that’s what people call me anyway)

2) What is your favourite colour?

Pass

3) How many of each animal did Moses take aboard the ark?

53

4) How many singers are there in the Remington Quartet?

One

5) How many days in a week?

8

6) Which one of these men was a member of the Beatles?

A) Michael Jackson

B) Arnold Schwarzenegger

C) Grace Jones

D) John Lennon

C

7) Which Beatle was Elton John singing about in his song Empty Garden?

A) Stag Beatle

B) Black Beatle

C) John Lennon

D) Silver Beatle

A

8) Who Painted Michelangelo’s “Ceiling of the Cisteen Chapel?”

One of the Teenaged Mutant Ninja Turtles

9) What was Hitler’s first name?

A) Heil

B) Rudolf

C) Adolf

D) Adolfa

A

10) Which of these things can you eat?

A) Cow Pat

B) Cockroaches

C) Concrete

D) All of the above if you are Tucker Pyles

D

11) Which one of these men are living beings?

A) Casper

B) Count Dracula

C) Beetlejuice .

D) Prince Charles

B

12)Which one of these is the tallest?

A) Papa Smurf

C) Dopey the Dwarf

B) Andre the Giant

D) Teeny Todd

A

13) Which of these men is the smallest?

A) The Big Show

B) Tom Thumb

C) The Mountain Gregor Clegane

D) Big E Langston

C

14) Which of these men is the least intelligent

A) Tucker Pyles

B) Dopey the Dwarf

C) Homer Simpson

D) Einstein

B

15) Which of these men is the nicest?

A) Freddie Krueger

B) Voldemort

C) Yourself

D) Norman Bates

D

16) How many S's in Mississippi?

None

17) In what game do you use a golf ball?

Soccer

18) What is the answer to life the universe and everything?

Food. UUUUUUUUBBAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

19) How many hours in a day?

Not enough

20) Which of these below is not a crime?

A) Murder

B) Treason

C) Cannibalism

D) Picking your nose

C

ANSWERS

1)Your own name, 2) Any colour, 3) Moses had nothing to with the ark, 4) 4,  5) 7,  6)D,  7)C,  8) Michelangelo 9) Adolf, 10) E,     11)A,  12)B,  13)B,  14)A,  15) C, 16)4, 17)Golf,  18)42, 19)16 (1pm-9am don't count) 20)D

Count up how many answers you got right and look at the ratings below.

20 You passed. Your a genius...! Well not really, after all this is really only an IQ test for morons. Lets just say that your not a moron like Tucker Pyles

19 You’re a little bit of a dilbrain aren’t you? But then again the question about life universe and everything was quite a tough one.

18 Well, you’re a bit of an idiot. Remember that this is really only an IQ test for morons. But let’s just call you a bit of an idiot, that’s not so bad.

17 You’re an idiot, and that’s a fact. In fact you’re pretty close to being a moron, because a 5 year old could get a higher score than this.

16 You’re a total bozo! If you can’t do better than this there's almost no hope for you.

15 You must be quite a bit of a Tucker Pyles fan by the looks of it.

14 Tucker Pyles must be your idol! You've modelled yourself on him perfectly. Hell, your almost as moronic as he is. Are you permanently sloshed?! I think so and it’s not through too much alocohol.

13 Der Hello, my names Tucker Pyles! I got 5 questions wrong or was that 6? Don’t know how to count. Yeah 7 I got wrong. I only got 14 right. Da GOLLY!

12 or less. Hi Tucker Pyles, is your brain hurting today? You are absolutely appalling! A total spastic! You and Tucker are the only ones to fail this morons IQ test so miserably. Are you sure that you’re not twins? I mean, how absolutely cretinous! The only thing now is for you to head off to the nearest psychiatric hospital… won’t do you any good, but it’s the only place where spazmos like you belong. Maybe they can do a brain swap with something a little more intelligent, perhaps that of a smoked marijuana plant. There's no hope for you Scrambled Witts!

A monthly column where readers send in letters with personal problems to solve. Our psychological expert Will Ulman (Alias Wal) has the answers and will gladly give his advice free. Remember, if you too have a problem (no matter how stupid it is... even if its a made up one) just send in your letter and Wal will give sensitive,caring advice to help you solve it.

Dear Wal 

How dare you ridicule that 48 year old man who is in love with an 18 year old! It’s outrageous! Love knows no age and it doesn’t matter how old you are! I was once married to a girl that young for a number of years and we were blissfully happy until she decided I was too old for her. You are a closed-minded jerk who knows nothing about true love!

Happily Married Rock Star

Dear Rod Stewart

You are a complete and utter prat! What Rachel ever saw in a doddery old fart like you I'll never know. But in the end she dumped your ass. You’re a total schmuck Stewart and your singing stinks!

Dear Wal

No matter what I do I Make a total hash up of things. I'm such a fool that I couldn’t even burn the toast if I tried. People are continually laughing at me and calling me an idiot. Everybody thinks that I’m utterly stupid! What do I do?

Feel like a fool

Reply:  Don’t be so bloody stupid, you assclown. You’re making a total idiot of yourself writing a letter like this! Go see a psychiatrist!

Dear Wal 

Last month, I wrote in telling you about my husband who abused me. I was most shocked when you turned up and punched his lights out. Thanks! He's so scared of you coming back, that he‘s treating me absolutely fantastically. He's being so nice! I can't praise you enough Wal, you have fantastic solutions to people problems!

Happy once more

Reply: Not a problem, not a problem, give me a ring if he starts causing trouble again.

Dear Wal

Hi, it’s me again, the guy who wears a paper bag over his head with Tucker Pyles on it. You sent me his ex~girlfriends phone number. Well I rang her up and we went out on a blind date, but man she is a barker! She is so gross! I'm not happy at all. Can you perhaps give me a number for one of Rex Cassidy‘s ex-girlfriends, like Beyonce or Katy Perry someone like them?

Repulsed

Reply: Sorry, no can do I'm afraid, none of them would ever go out with someone wearing a Tucker Pyles paper bag over his head, but I'll tell you what to do. I'll send you a paper bag with a picture of Beyonce on it and you can get Tucker’s ex to wear that.

Dear Wal

It’s not very ubbery. UBBA Magazine were thrilled about me writing an article on cooking, and I was one of the top-billed articles, appearing early on in the magazine. But every edition they keep putting me further and further down. Last edition, I was even dropped below that moron Rabbit Green. This is not ubbery at all. Why are they putting my article further and further down, and what can I do to get back to being one of the top columns? PS: UUUUUUUUBBAAAAA!!!' (Just thought I'd add that ubba in, as UBBA Magazine said that I could say UBBA's throughout the magazine)

Tucker Pyles (UBBA Magazine columnist)

Reply: For a start, your article is being put further down each edition because it is complete and utter crap, and secondly, the only way you'll ever get back to being the top in the magazine would be by announcing that you are never going to write for UBBA Magazine again. Rack off Pyles!

Click on cartoon to enlarge

Brought to you by Mad Dave Harris

PISCES

See last edition’s Harriscope

AQUARIUS

Your lucky colour is orange, your lucky number is 5 and your lucky day is Tuesday so if you run into an orange elephant with five legs on a Tuesday your in for some real luck. ‘

CANCER

You'll be riding high this week, although I'd suggest going by car would be cheaper.

TAURUS

Computer errors are often caused by computers picking the wrong job applicant to run the computer...so that would probably explain why you've had so many jobs.

SAGATARIUS

Friends and Family will demand your attention this month. Tell them to sod off!

VIRGO

An issue may arise to test your sense of fair play. Try to ignore it.

CAPRICORN

If you want to gain a bit of attention, let loose a real loud belch!

AIRIES

Always brush your teeth after meals (UUUUUUBBAAAAA!!)

GEMINI

Always brush your teeth after meals (UUUUUUUUUBBAAAA!!)

LEO

Always have someone smash your teeth in after meals (UUuuBBAA!)

SCORPIO

See next edition’s Harriscope

LIBRA

Take your pick out of the Harriscopes above.’

By Tucker Pyles

UBBA! UBBA! UBBA! UBBA! UBBA! UBBA! UBBA! UBBA! UBBA! UBBA! UBBA1 UBBA UUUUUUBBAAAAAA!!! UUUUUUUUUBBAAAAAAAAAAA!!!! UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUBBAAAAAAAAA!!!

This is from the Rex Cassidy Investigator series of novelletes written by Recker. Fingers McGraw is an old nemesis of the RCI who they have put away time and time again, but now he has turned over a new leaf and is aiding the police to bust open a mafia gang led by the infamous Kano. The RCI have been called in to go undercover into the Mafia to take them down.

Vanessa Dante is also involved in the undercover operation and is going in posing as as a lethal female assassin.

Vanessa had an appointment with Kano and arrived on the scene. She was met by Wallbanger.

'Ah, my lady. Please come on through.'

Vanessa kept a cold expression on her face. That was how she wanted to play it… the ice lady, who looked as though she might slash of a man's member without a second thought. There were other men in there apart from Kano. More men than what her colleagues had to deal with, Perhaps they all wanted to get a look at this hot hit woman. It made her uneasy, but she kept her facade.

'What is this?' she asked in a cold tone of voice. 'No one said anything about a group interview. I think I might just leave.' She turned, but found the door closed and the cadaverous Thrax standing there. She spun around and eyed Kano. 'You want to try to keep me here? You really want to try that?'

'Take it easy,' Kano said. 'Sit.'

She stepped towards the chair, but hesitated. She eyed the men. There was Rackman, De Racine, Mad Dave, Flytrap and of course Wallbanger and Thrax at her rear. She turned her eyes back to Kano. 'If one of them tries to lay a finger on me, I'll kill them!'

'Sit!'

'You heard the man! Sit!' Flytrap stepped forward and grabbed Vanessa's arm. Suddenly she grabbed his, yanked it around behind his back and slammed his head down on the desk of Kano with vicious force. There she braced his arm ready to wrench it up and snap it if she could, however it was a bluff. She doubted she had the strength or technique. 'Give me one good reason why I shouldn't snap your arm right now!'

She poised, waiting for one of the other mobsters to move in to help their comrade, but none did.

Kano chuckled. 'Well, well... I'm impressed. I'm almost tempted to let you break his arm, just to see you in further action, but no, I think you're more than capable of doing that, aren't you?'

Vanessa scowled at Kano.

'Quite the woman. Flytrap!'

The unfortunate mobster groaned as blood streamed down from his nose.

'Get the hell out of here and clean yourself up!'

Vanessa shoved him towards the door.

'The rest of you,' Kano said. 'Out.'

The men began to file out. As De Racine passed, he paused and smiled, with a gleam in his eye. 'Nice. Very nice. I like you already.'

Vanessa felt disgusted by his lecherous look and delivered him a cold expression until he too left, leaving her with Kano only.

'Please, sit,' Kano said. 'The men were curious, that's all.'

'Well tell them to keep away from me,' she said. 'I'll sooner kill them in a blink of an eye than have one of them put their slimy hands on me. And believe me, I can do it!'

'I believe you. Seems you're not a great fan of the male species.'

'Not particularly. I do have my...' She was about to say "type", but changed it at the last moment. '...types.'

'Mmmm hmmm. And what would they be?'

Vanessa smirked and sat down. 'None of the types I saw in this office! Hopefully you might have someone more my type I can meet later.'

'I'm sure you'll find plenty of eligible bachelors.'

'Prefer bachelorette's actually, but, we shall see.'

Kano smirked. 'I should have guessed.' He flicked through some papers. 'So... Fingers McGraw tells me you have quite the reputation for taking care of problems.'

'Problems are my specialty. I'll be happy to eliminate any of those men I just met if you want me too.'

'That won't be necessary.'

'Pity. That De Racine creepazoid strikes me as someone you'd be better off without.'

'De Racine is one of my top capos, so I will expect you to treat him with respect.'

'Just as long as he doesn't do anything to warrant a lack of it.' She narrowed her eyes. 'I am here to work but my services do not extend to keeping your jerk-off capos happy, you got that?'

Kano smiled. 'Of course not. You can be assured that I have ongoing work for you that will make good use of your skills... the ones you wish to employ.'

'Good, because I'm serious, if any of those creeps make one move on me, I'll slit their throats.'

Kano burst out laughing. 'Oh you and Thrax would get on just fine.'

'Thrax?' She knew who he meant, but had to play dumb for now.

'You met him earlier. The one with the bony face.'

'I'll pass thank you. I have no desire in getting to know him at all, no matter how charming he might be. I hope you will tell your men that I would like to be left in peace when I'm here. If I want to talk to one of them, I will.'

'No problems. I shall tell them.'

'So does that mean you wish to procure my services?'

'Most definitely. I shall have Wallbanger show you around, make sure you are comfortable for as long as you wish to stay here. You can rest assured that Wallbanger is the perfect gentleman.'

'He better be.'

If you would like to read this entire novel, it can be downloaded here on this site. The Return of Fingers McGraw

By Dufus Pyles

'OOOOOOBBAAAAAAAA!'

Disclaimer: All articles in this magazine are the views of the authors and none of it is to be taken seriously. Interviews are purely fictional and letters are not written by the assigned people.

All writings copyrighted, UBBA Magazine 2016