Edition 6 - June 2016

 

Hi there eejits!

 

We have been getting a lot of complaints lately about UBBA Magazine. Most of them are that we don’t publish enough. People want a new one every week, but they are only getting a 1 or 2 month fix. Well tough shit, you junkies. Once every month or two is all we can be bothered doing. So get used to it.

 

Many complaints have also been about Aunty Lil’s parenting column, people angry that we would allow such a demented old crone to give out what is obviously blatantly terrible parenting advice. Well I’m afraid I have no say in that matter. For some reason our editor and chief thinks she’s worthy and unless I buy out the magazine and sack the guy, we just have to live with it. I mean come on, if you are seriously considering taking her advice then you aren’t fit to be a parent!

 

UBBA Magazine have also had a complaint by one man in particular and have asked me to make an apology on behalf of them. Frankly I think that they should do it themselves but oh well, might as well get on with it. We apologise to that eejit, Donald Howe. Last month. UBBA Magazine published an advert promoting his communications business which greatly embarrassed Donald. He is furious that UBBA Magazine would even suggest that he has anything to do with drug dealers. He may buy the odd packet of disperin every now and then, but Don would never even go near a drug dealer! Let alone arrange deals for him.

 

Yes, we realise that Donald has mob connections, but he is totally clean when it comes to drugs. He is an honest business man and not at all a rip off merchant like UBBA Magazine implied. As for the free photograph of a dead body, UBBA Magazine said he was offering with each job, well they were not taken during his job as a funeral director, no indeed not. UBBA Magazine apologises profusely for this mistake. They are in fact photographs of dead people who Donald had contracts taken out on. His business competitors, men whom he had arranged to have murdered by a hitman he knows within the Mafia. I'm sure you’d rather have a photo of somebody with a hole in his head, than a picture of some old codger  who died of a stroke, wouldn’t you? That’s what I though, you  sicko's.

 

But anyway just repeating it again, Donald, UBBA Magazine apologise profusely for smearing your good name. (The fact was that he threatened to put the mob on to the editors if  they didn’t make a public apology) Please forgive us Don me old mate! 

 

Moving on. We have also had a complaint that there is not enough of cultural value in UBBA Magazine. I mean what eejit reads this magazine for cultural value anyway? Any way, UBBA Magazine have decided to remedy that by having a poetry corner in this month's edition. I just hope it has heaps of rhyming in it. 

 

Ok, enough apologies. Anymore complaints from any readers and you’ll have my fists to deal with! Let’s talk more about more pleasant things like my gorgeous wife Vanessa for instance…

 

In this edition she gets to interview a real celebrity. A star from Hollywood, not that money grabbing, homophobic evangelist from New Zealand. The fact is, Vanessa interviewed this celeb back in late November shortly after her talk with Bishop Tamaki and it was going to be published in the February edition of UBBA Magazine, but unfortunately, the timing was bad. This particular celeb announced to the world that he was HIV positive, so UBBA Magazine deemed it would be insensitive of them to publish the interview at that time. Yes, can you believe it? Sensitivity here at UBBA Magazine? Hard to believe, isn’t it? But there you have it. Vanessa’s interview with actor Charlie Sheen was left out of February's issue. However now that a few months have passed and the terrible news has sunk in, the publishers have decided they will publish the interview in its entirety.

 

One last thing to mention is that this month we start up a new movie review feature where old favourites are reviewed. This month our US correspondent Badkitty will be doing a review of that 80s classic "A Weekend at Bernies".

 

Enough from me. Let’s get on with the laughs…

 

Rex Cassidy

 

I was a little annoyed to hear about the nuclear war in Russia.  I think that nuclear war is a little bit childish and it really annoys me the inconveniences it has caused people. It will cost billions of dollars to rebuild the country. I just guarantee you that all the survivors will end up having their taxes increased! That would be typical of governments today. Sure it doesn’t really matter that all  their friends and family have been annihilated, but when taxes  go up, That’s going a bit too far. Its also a concern that everybody will have lost their jobs due to the destruction, so there would be a lot of people on the dole putting more pressure on the tax payer’s dollars. It’s just not on! I say Vladimir Putin should be made to stand down as President, for allowing the Nuclear War policy to go through. Enough is enough. The people have been jerked  around enough. If the Russian government doesn’t buck up its ideas I say Nuke em!

Borus Zuhkov, Chicago 

 

(Borus... there was no Nuclear War in Russia. It was a spoof headline.)

 

 

Just a little reminder letter to let you know that if my cooking column isn’t the first column in this edition, then I'm quitting writing for UBBA Magazine. I mean it! UBBA Magazine wouldn’t dare risk losing me and I am confident of that, That’s why I'm writing this letter, just so that you readers out there can see how serious I am.  When I say I'm going to do something, I mean it. I'm a man of my word and what I say goes! Nobody messes with me and UBBA Magazine have learnt their lesson the hard way. I repeat my promise! If I'm not the first article in this edition, then I quit! You've got to be firm to survive in this world!  

Tucker Pyles (UBBA Magazine columnist)

 

(We placed it where it most deserved to be other than the waste paper basket.)

 

 

I wish to object to the insinuation that David Letterman is not funny. On the cover of last edition's UBBA Magazine one of the headlines was that he cracked a funny joke, as if it was something that he never does. I know Dave personally and he is an absolutely hilarious guy. I mean would his Late Night show have been so popular for so many years if he wasn’t funny? Come on now, UBBA Magazine. Give credit where credit is due. David Letterman is a funny guy

Paul Shaffer, Canada

  

(Is this a spoof letter?)

 

I was amazed to ready your headlines in the last edition of UBBA Magazine. To hear that David Bowie, Lemmy and Glenn Frey made it to Heaven is truly wonderful, even if a little baffling. I mean who would believe that the lead singer of Motorhead would be in Heaven right now? And further more forming a band with David Bowie and Glen Frey! What an amazing band that would be. I can't wait to die so that I can go to Heaven and listen to them in concert!

Kurt Cobain - Seattle Washington

 

(Aren't you already there?)

 

 

 

Feel free to write in letters about your opinions about UBBA Magazine. We would love to hear from you.

  

If you have any regular articles you would like to add to UBBA Magazine please contact us. We are always on the look out for contributors and will give you credit where credit is due.

 

Simply contact the administrator of Recker’s World

 

 

Interviewer = Vanessa Dante

Conducted Nov 2015 - Charlie Sheen

 

 

Vanessa: Hi folks, it’s great to be able to bring you a celebrity interview again this month. When UBBA Magazine commissioned me to interview Bishop Tamaki, I was lamenting that maybe it was going to be Colin Hewgill who got to speak to all the real famous people and I was going to be relegated to interviewing wannabe celebrities and false prophets who nobody’s heard of outside of New Zealand. However, then UBBA Magazine got a call from my interviewee this month who happens to be a fan of mine, asking if I would interview him. So here we are. Here I am sitting alongside actor Charlie Sheen!

 

Charlie: Hey babe, I certainly am a fan. I love your work. Ever thought of posing for Playboy?

 

Vanessa: Oh surrrrrre, why not? As if I don’t get enough unwanted attention from sleazy males. Why not invite more?

 

Charlie: We don’t see nearly enough of you in fashion magazines, billboards and TV commercials… and when I say that, I mean flesh-wise. Surely, you’ve had offers?

 

Vanessa:  Many, but no amount of money is going to convince me to get my gear off for a men’s magazine. The only man who gets to see all of me is my husband.

 

Charlie: Ah, geeze, did you have to go and ruin the entire interview by talking about your husband?

 

Vanessa (cheerfully): If I had my way, he’d be all we talk about, but no, apparently we have to talk about you for some bizarre reason.

 

Charlie: Well I am the celeb. The BIG shot celeb.

 

Vanessa: In your own mind, yes.

 

Charlie: I’m the man with the tiger blood, baby! WINNING!

 

Vanessa: Of course you are. You’re that uncouth wild animal with a lot of growl but absolutely no class (smiles).

 

Charlie: Hey, babe, no need to be like that. I’m the man with the Adonis DNA, baby and I know how to treat a lady. You know, I can have you come over and stay with me in LA. Could take you around to some great places, meet some great people. I can show you what a real Hollywood party is like baby. I can show you what the Adonis DNA is all about, babe.

 

Vanessa: Sounds simply awful. I think it would make me ill.

 

Charlie: Surely, you like a good party? You seem like a party girl to me.

 

Vanessa: I am, but I’m particular about who I party with. Besides, without my Rexy around I think the party would be kind of dull.

 

Charlie: You haven’t partied with me, babe.

 

Vanessa: And I’m thankful for that.

 

Charlie: Hey, bring your husband, that’s ok, I can introduce him to some amazing ladies and then you and I can hook up. How about that?

 

Vanessa (smiling):  Charlie, the answer to that question is a resounding no. We will most definitely not be hooking up. It will never happen.

 

Charlie: What not even just a one off date?

 

Vanessa: Definitely not for a one off date. In fact, the likelihood of us ever hooking up, even in the future is about as likely as Arnold Schwarzenegger and the Marx Brothers doing a movie together.

 

Charlie: Well how about joining me for a nightcap after this interview?

 

Vanessa: That’s a date, Charlie.

 

Charlie: It’s a date? Fantastic!

 

Vanessa: Nuh uh. Me having a nightcap with you would be like a date, which… if you’ll remember from two seconds ago, I said would never happen.

 

Charlie: Agghh, why not, babe?

 

Vanessa (still in a friendly amicable tone): Well… Apart from the fact I’m MARRIED and loyal to my HUSBAND, I hate to tell you this, but it seems you don’t realise it… but it’s because you’re an idiot and that’s putting it politely. Sorry, if you weren’t aware of that fact, I guess it comes across as a bit of a shock to you. (smiles)

 

Charlie: You sure know how to let a guy down.

 

Vanessa: LOSING!

 

Charlie: I don’t lose baby. WINNING! That’s what I do. That Tiger blood. That Adonis DNA. It can’t be overcome.

 

Vanessa:  Oh and I’m a quivering wreck before you, giving into your overwhelming animal magnetism and charm. I’m certainly glad that you’re being realistic about this.  LOSING!

 

Charlie: I can see you want me. I can see it.

 

Vanessa (cheerfully): Actually what I want is to leave right now, but unfortunately I’m expected to ask you some questions about your upcoming movie, the long awaited sequel to Platoon, to be released exactly 30 years after the original. Perhaps we can talk about that before you humiliate yourself further? (smiles).

 

Charlie: I would rather talk about you and me.

 

Vanessa: There is no you and me. Only me talking to some egomaniac who thinks he’s God’s gift to women.

 

Charlie: I am God’s gift, baby. I’m an Adonis. You haven’t met a man like me.

 

Vanessa: I wish that were the case, but no it seems we’re sitting here talking to each other. Contrary to what you might believe, Charlie, you aren’t irresistible. There is only one man alive who is like that and that’s my husband Rexy. A real man. Now Charlie, about your upcoming movie Platoon 2. It’s been 30 years since the original movie was released and you played a young recruit in the Vietnam war…. so unlike you in reality, this guy was respectful and a gentleman You’re now 59…

 

Charlie: Hey, hold on there, I’m not that old, I’m way way younger!

 

Vanessa (smiling): Yes, I understand your mental age is around 14 years old, but you were in your 20s when you did that movie. So what is this new movie about? Is it about the geriatric survivors… the few characters who made it out alive in the original movie, returning to Vietnam to relive their glory days and fight old battles? Or perhaps they are all suffering from massive ego problems thinking that every woman will fall in love with them just because they were big war heroes? So they have to learn to get over their delusions and face reality, ie, that they’re just not big shots anymore and that their careers are running quickly downhill?

 

Charlie (after a long pause):… whoa… are you making fun of me?

 

Vanessa: Me make fun at you? Now, how could I do that, after all, you’re the man with the tiger blood and the Adonis DNA. You’re the man that charms every woman he meets and has them eating out of his hand. How is that possible?

 

Charlie: I think you’re poking fun at me, babe.

 

Vanessa: WINNING! You finally got something right, Charlie. Is that a new experience for you when it comes to women? I find that hard to believe. Now would you like to talk about your movie or must I poke more fun at you?

 

Charlie: This interview was supposed to be fun.

 

Vanessa: It ceased to be fun as soon as you first called me babe and tried to hit on me, but never mind. I’m sure we can make it fun. On the pro-wrestling years ago there used to be a guy called Adorable Adrian Adonis who used to sometimes wrestle in women’s underwear. I guess with your Adonis DNA, you like to do the same thing?

 

Charlie: No freaking way! There’s no way I’d…

 

Vanessa: It’s ok, I’m not going to judge you, but I have to say that would be a real turnoff for me, seeing a guy close to 60 years old in women’s underwear… well any guy no matter what the ag…

 

Charlie: I’m NOT nearly 60! I’m 50 years… Wait, that’s it isn’t it? You’re ageist. You think I’m too old for you.

 

Vanessa (cheerfully): No, not at all it’s just that Tiger Blood and Adonis DNA repulse me. I can’t help that, it’s just the way I am. But I don’t think you’re getting the message. On this occasion you aren’t WINNING and you never will be WINNING. So I think it’s time to end this interview. Goodbye

 

Charlie: Ahhh, come on, don’t be like that. You know you want… EEERRRRK! 

 

THUMP CRASH! 

 

Charlie: Ahh shit! Groan….You broke the table. Ah shit, I think you broke my wrist too!

 

Vanessa: Correction. YOU broke the table when you tried to make a pass at me and forced me to throw you into it. You don’t get to lay a finger on me EVER!  Goodbye, Charlie and good riddance…

 

Vanessa walks to the exit and as she leaves calls out one last thing to her guest…

 

Vanessa: WINNING! 

 

Click on cartoon to enlarge

Note: Producing poetry in our own country, sadly, is just not as economical as it used to be. With reluctance, we have outsourced our poetry to China. We present to you the first installment of our new arrangement.

 

 

 

An ordeal at the supermarket        By Vanessa Dante

  

Even though I don’t have to do my own grocery shopping these days… the hired help do it, I still like to do the shopping myself on occasions. It’s fun going through and selecting the things you want for the upcoming couple of weeks. Going grocery shopping can be an interesting, not to mention amusing experience.  It can also be irritating, especially for a woman like me who has sleaze bags hit on her every time she goes out in public alone.

One thing that has me scratching my head is the mentality of people looking for parking places. I usually park nearer the far end of the car park, preferably off to the side, where it’s easy to get in and out. Otherwise, you get stuck among high volumes of cars coming and going. The thing is you get these super intelligent people all determined to park as close to the main building as possible. They will block traffic, waiting for up to 30 seconds, sometimes longer, for a car to vacate a parking lot and what for? Just so they can save themselves 10 seconds of walking! I congratulate these people for showing just how lazy, inconsiderate and retarded they truly are. I’m sure these people are exactly the same people who stop their shopping trollies in the middle of an aisle, rather than moving it off to the side so that others can get by them.

What makes me laugh is that some supermarkets have budget brands and claim them to be cheaper than known brands. Why is it that these brands are generally the same price as non-budget brands? And it should NEVER be the case where the known brands are cheaper than that budget brands otherwise you can’t call them budget brands. It is false advertising. Now I have come to be sceptical about words like “budget”, “discounted” and “special”. Sometimes they aren’t all that special, but they know gullible people will buy it thinking it is.

I have also learnt that the word “only” before a price, means you can guarantee that you are being ripped off. It’s as if the supermarket knows they are ripping you off so they try to make out their prices are cheap by putting that word “only” in front. “ONLY $500,000.’ “ONLY an arm and a leg”. The word “just” is just as bad. “Just the blood sacrifice of your first born can buy you this fantastic new brand of breakfast cereal and it’s fat free, sugar free and preservative free”… not to mention flavour free.

I said early that I always get hit on by sleazebags. Well ok, not all of them are sleazebags, but it still irritates the heck out of me. I just want to do my shopping. I usually find that most of them are the same and they try the same old routines, so I have standard responses. Like just the other week, I noticed this guy eyeing me up. I ignored him, but it didn’t’ stop him from hitting on me. It was, ‘Hey, babe, I’m wondering if you can help me…’

I absolutely hate being called “babe”, but I replied politely, ‘I’m sorry, you must be confusing me with someone else. I’m 28 years old. You might be looking for that child over there sitting in that woman’s trolley. I’m sure he will be into the same things as you.’

‘Ha ha ha, you’re cute.’

‘My husband tells me that all the time.’

‘Oh damn, you’re married?’

I smiled and replied sweetly, ‘Yes. His name is Rex, he’s 6 foot 4 and he’s amazing. Now, if you’re wanting to know which aisle to go to for the gummy bears, then head down that way there.’

Most guys get the message by this time, but this one didn’t. ‘Hey, babe, I bet you’re a model.’

At this point, I just wanted to give a frustrated sigh, as I always seem to get that old pick-up line and he was becoming irritating. I am a model, but why do guys think that suggesting it is going to flatter me and make me want to talk to them further? ‘Actually, I’m a lawyer who specialises in sexual harassment suits. Perhaps if you ever need one, I’m the one to call. No, on second thoughts, I’d rather you didn’t.’ With that, I smiled one last time and continued down the aisle.

I thought that maybe, that would be that, but oh no, the guy slips up beside me yet again. ‘You’re not really a lawyer, right, babe? I mean you’re wayyyy too hot to be a lawyer. I’ve never met anyone as hot as you.’

Oh how many times do I hear that? So I decided to pull out the lesbian excuse I often use to deter unwanted male attention. ‘Sorry, but I’m gay. I’m a carpet munching, rug-bumping, snatch snacking lesboid. I’m afraid you are completely the wrong sex for me. And no, you are not going to be that one in a billion who’s going to turn me straight. Bye bye.’

At last, he gave up. I really am glad, as I didn’t really want to have to cap the guy or kick his teeth in. Especially not in a supermarket.

So I roll up to the checkout counters and as usual, end up in the slowest moving queue and as usual, there’s screaming kids and old ladies who would rather have a conversation with the checkout operator than buy their groceries. By the time I got out of the supermarket, I was just glad to be out of there.

Maybe I should just let the hired help do the grocery shopping from now on? 

 

By Abbot Green

 

The publishers have given me one last chance to write an  interesting series of articles, for which I am most grateful.  That is why I have chosen to do a series on famous buck toothed people. We will look at a. different one each month  and see how they have affected the lives of many throughout history. 

 

Today’s famous buck toothed person is a brilliant actor who  has starred in many movies and is a familiar face to many through  out the world. Rather under rated, he has shown a diversity in the acting parts he has had. For instance he did a great job making a cameo appearance as a store keeper in the movie Men in Black. His biggest part came a few years later in the movie Fast & the Furious 2,  where he had a small role as a mechanic. He was in the film for  5 minutes and had one line, but big things are coming-up for him in his next role as a soldier  who is killed in the first 3 minutes of Platoon 2.

 

Yes he is a major star and a tribute to all buck toothed people. His name is Jon Dickinghamshire, my favourite actor and I'm  sure all of yours.

 

Jon Dickinghamshire was born in…

 

Editors Note=ARTICLE ABORTED 

 

That does it! Green’s had enough bleeding chances! Who cares about some 3rd rate actor who nobody's ever bleeding heard of? This time he's gone too bleeding far! Readers, we are sorry about this complete and utter tripe and you can be sure that this bleeding  idiot Green will not be bleeding writing any more bleeding articles!

 

Reviewer = Badkitty

 

 

If you want your free popcorn, look in your cabinets at home and pull some out.

 

Today, I will be reviewing... 

 

Drink and be merry

 

I’m a man who likes a little tittle every now and then. In fact I like to guzzle down a few beers and skull a few shots on a regular basis. I sometimes even head to my local public bar to enjoy a round or two, but often I will be approached by people, particularly members of my congregation and they will ask me, “Pastor Jake, why are you here? Why are you drinking that glass of Bourbon on the rocks? You’re a church pastor. You’re a Christian! Don’t you know that it’s sinful to drink alcohol? That God will be angry and his horrible wrath will rain down upon you?”

 

I just feel the righteous anger of the lord Jesus enter me when such people ask me questions like that. I feel the lord firing me up inside and I just have to allow the holy spirit to explode forth and when I’m talking about the holy spirit I’m not talking about anything that’s is consumed from a glass. I am talking about the holy power of God within all true Christians such as myself!

 

“Have you not read your bible properly?” I ask them. “Do you not know what God’s word says?”

 

Oh my brothers and sisters, you foolish Christians who do not read your bible properly. You like many, simply accept what you are told from the pulpit by false teachers and are too lazy to check out the facts for yourselves.  Do you not know that alcohol is a gift from God, something to help those who are hurting drown their sorrows? My brothers and sisters, just pick up your bible and read Proverbs 31:6-7…

 

Give strong drink unto him that is ready to perish, and wine unto those that be of heavy hearts. Let him drink, and forget his poverty, and remember his misery no more.

 

That’s right. God has given us alcohol so that we CAN drown our sorrows. So that we CAN numb the pain and forget our troubles. HALLELUJAH!

 

God even COMMANDS us to drink in Ecclesiastes 9:7

 

Go, eat your food with rejoicing and drink your wine with a good heart, because already the true God has found pleasure in your works.

 

If we are not drinking wine, we are disobeying God’s commands! Can you not see it, my brothers and sisters? Even Jesus himself set the example by drinking wine at Passover and the last supper. He told us to take that wine and drink of it as if it were his blood. And to eat the bread as if it was his flesh. Oh, isn’t make believe cannibalism wonderful my brothers and sisters? But it’s even more wonderful when you have something a little upmarket to drink with it. Like a nice Chianti!

 

Oh, I’ve heard the silly arguments that the wine that Jesus drank was not alcoholic. That it was nothing but grape juice. But how ludicrous is that? Can you really imagine Jesus turning water into grape juice? Don’t you think he would have been laughed out of the wedding feast if he’d done that?

 

And think to the day of Pentecost my brothers and sisters. When the disciples spoke in tongues and people accused them of being drunk on WINE. What did they say? Did they say “Oh no, we don’t drink because we’re Christians.” No, they said “It’s too early in the day for drinking”.   What does that tell you? Yes, my brothers and sisters, the disciples themselves drank ALCOHOL! Just not too early in the day!

 

So next time one of the brethren tell you that Christians should not drink alcohol, point them to Psalms 104:14-15

 

He makes grass grow for the cattle, and plants for man to cultivate— bringing forth food from the earth: wine that gladdens the heart of man, oil to make his face shine, and bread that sustains his heart

 

Brothers and sisters, grape juice does not gladden the hearts of men. Nor does it ease your pains or help you forget. Only a good glass of something stiff can do that. Something that God intended for exactly that purpose! Praise him for it, just as King David did in his Psalm.

 

Drink, my brothers and sisters. Drink and be merry, because the bible says so! HALLELUUUUUJAH!!!

 

Letters

 

Dear Pastor Jake 

I’ve started playing some music when I sum up my sermons now in an attempt to make people more open to my religious bullshit I’m preaching, but my congregation is complaining because they don’t like ACDC. Should I try something else? Like Pantera perhaps? Or Rob Zombie? Or should it be something religious?

Tucker Pyles (UBBA Magazine Columnist)

 

Dear Tucker,

Remember I said SOOTHING music. Something that is beautiful and mellow, not crap like ACDC and Pantera. Soothing and mellow is the sort of music you need to set the atmosphere you want when rounding up your sermon.  Only soft and gentle music will have that hypnotic effect on your congregation. If you must have something from a heavy metal band try Led Zeppelin’s "Stairway to Heaven". That will work as well as anything you might hear in a church. Just as long as it’s beautiful and soothing, then your audience will feel as though something supernatural is stirring their hearts as you speak.

 

 

Dear Pastor Jake

I object to the way you portrayed God in the last edition of UBBA Magazine. You portrayed him as a psychotic monster. My God is not a psychotic monster. He is a loving, caring God and he would never treat any human being the way that father did to Frankie in your story.

Mrs Doris Niles

 

Dear D Nile

Clearly you have not read much of your bible otherwise you would see that our loving father really is one ruthless and vindictive being. By going around trying to make out he’s gentle and loving, you are not doing Jesus any service at all. You are in fact making Christians look like they are in denial or worse… liars. God is a God. He is who he is whether we like it or not. He is wrathful and he is vengeful. He will make the majority of his creations suffer for their sins, saving only the minority. Trying to cover that up and brushing it aside does nothing for the integrity of Christianity. Be honest with God, be honest with unbelievers and most of all be honest with YOURSELF! God HATES liars!

  

Proverbs 6:16, 19: These six things doth the LORD hate ...(snip)… A false witness that speaketh lies, and he that soweth discord among brethren.

 

Disclaimer: UBBA Magazine in no way endorse the methods recommended by Aunty Lil

 

Have you all been following my advice on discipline over the last few months? I hope so. If everyone in the world started putting in real strategies like the ones I’ve advised, you will find there is no crime anywhere, as your child will be the perfect little angel. Ok, so my useless sons Tucker and Dufus are no angels, but that’s because they’re both mentally retarded. There’s nothing you can expect me to do about that! Besides it was only Tucker I raised, because Dufus was in a special home for retarded brats between the age of 3 and 22. However, follow my advice and you’ll find that there are remarkable changes in the behaviour of your ugly little brats.

 

Useless parents from all over the world have written into me telling how much they appreciate my parenting tips and many questions have been asked, so I’ve decided to take some of those questions and give my sure-to-succeed answers to your parenting problems.

 

Baby food is too expensive. What can I buy them that’s cheap and nutritious?

 

The last thing you want to be doing is spending a whole lot of your hard earned money on expensive baby formulas and tins of tropical fruits. There are many healthy foods you can buy cheap that kids love. Here are a few that I fed my children when they were very young.

 

Dog Biscuits.  Now before you complain that these aren’t fit for human consumption, don’t knock it until you’ve tried it… or at the very least your kids have tried it. They are way cheaper than rusks so can be used when they’re teething and can be a tasty treat between meals when they get older. Plus they don’t contain chocolate! You can also use cat biscuits as cereal.

 

Compost. Vegetables can be extremely expensive to buy, but you must have plenty of green vegetables in your child’s diet. Well you have an entire backyard of the stuff and it’s FREE. And if you’re lucky you might find a few crusty dog turds amongst it and kids just love those. Well Tucker certainly did! A good grass and leaf salad never goes astray.

 

Jellymeat. Look, if it’s good enough for your cat, it’s good enough for your brats AND it’s cheap! My son Tucker simply loved his daily can of Jellymeat and always wanted more. He still eats the stuff even today.

 

Ask for offcuts at your local butcher. Butchers cut off a lot of fat which they then throw in with a little prime beef to make budget mince. Get in before they do that and you can grab all their offcuts of fat, extra cheap, and serve it up for your kids on a plate. At least once they move onto solid foods!

 

 

How do I stop my child from getting out of bed during the night?

 

There is an easy way to make them stay put, but for you pathetic people who think that a good whack around the backside is abuse, here are some gentler ways of dealing with little brats that won’t stay in bed:

 

Handcuff them to the bed.

Tell them that Freddy Kruger is waiting under their bed to get them if they set one foot on the floor.

Give them no food the following day (that one worked for my useless son, Tucker!)

 

One thing that is a complete waste of your time and just causes a parent a lot of bother and stress is that moron Super Nanny’s method, where you just pick up the kid and put them back in bed without talking to them. EVERY time they get up. That’s right, Super Nanny expects you to get up and down like a yoyo when you’re trying to relax and have some quiet time without your annoying little brat bothering you every few minutes. She expects you to just drop everything and keep doing that all night long if you have to. Is she insane? There’s no bloody need for putting yourself through that nonsense.  Use your brain and use one of my quick and sure to succeed techniques.

 

……………..

 

That’s all we have time for this week. I’ll answer more of your questions next week. By golly there are some clueless parents around!

 

Love Aunty Lil

 

A monthly column where readers send in letters with personal problems to solve. Our psychological expert Will Ulman (Alias Wal) has the answers and will gladly give his advice free. Remember, if you too have a problem (no matter how stupid it is... even if its a made up one) just send in your letter and Wal will give sensitive, caring advice to help you solve it.

 

 

Dear Wal

 

Hi, I’ve got a problem. Several weeks ago I received this mysterious phone call from a guy who wanted to go out on a date with me. He said he'd got my number from some one  who used to know me, but he wouldn’t say who. Against my better  judgement I went out with the guy and found that he was wearing  a paper bag over his head with Tucker Pyles ace on it. At first I was rather repulsed, the last thing I wanted was to be continually reminded of Tucker as he was my ex boyfriend and dumped me. Well, the guy, whose name was Ben seemed like  a nice guy even though he wore a paper bag, so i agreed to keep on seeing him. Then he asked me to wear a paper bag over my head with Beyonce’s face on it. At first I felt a little stupid, but then I found that heaps of guys wanted to go out with me. I met this really neat guy and I dropped Ben for him, but a few weeks later he started wearing a paper bag over his head with Michael Jackson’s face on it. Yuck! So I dropped him and next thing I was being continually rung up by Ben wanting more dates with me. I decided to date him again, but he's becoming a right royal pain in the neck. I don't want to hurt his feelings again, but now I'm getting totally sick of him. What should I do to get out of this predicament?

Bothered 

 

Reply

How about getting him to change the picture on his paper bag to some one you like? You might decide that you like him after all. (As long as the picture is not of me. otherwise you might find that every other girl wants him too)

 

 

Dear Wal

I’m concerned for a male friend of mine. He is very lonely and spends all his time at home playing on computers. He is 19 yrs old and has no girlfriend. All he talks about is computers  and it turns the girls off him._ He’s a total computer geek. He desperately wants a girl friend, but he would rather stay home and play computer games rather than going out and socialising.  How do I get him a girlfriend?

Concerned

 

Reply

Simple. Sign him up for online dating! 

 

 

Dear Wal 

 

I am 22 years old and single. I have an 18 month old son.  I don't know any one to give him to, to baby sit, so I can't  go out and socialise. What can I Do?

Alone

 

Reply

Well that'll teach you for not taking precautions, won't it? Your doomed girl. You're just gonna have to settle for watching day time TV and having a social life online, like most people these days. I mean don't worry about it, you don't want the hassle of going out anyway. You'll probably just get hit on by a bunch of creeps. Hey, in 20 years the kid will have to left home anyway... well hopefully. Then you can live it up!

 

 

Dear Wal 

I have an unubbery problem which I can’t solve. What’s 2 + 3 equal?

Tucker Pyles (UBBA Magazine columnist)

 

Reply

653

 

 

Dear Wal 

I am 18 years old with many girlfriends, but as soon as I try to get close to one of them they are scared away. What is wrong with me and what should I do?

Outcast

 

Reply 

You probably stink mate. Try taking a bath!

Click on cartoon to enlarge

Brought to you by Mad Dave Harris

 

 

PISCES  

I could tell you that your this and that you feel this, and  that you should do this and that, but I wouldn't actually be  telling you what’s going to happen in your future, after all  Horoscopes never do, do they?

 

AQUARIUS
This week’s a good week to do that work in the back yard you've been putting off. It’s a flaming mess.

  

CANCER

Now’s a good time to go on a world cruise. Unless your a member of the Flat Earth Society.

 

TAURUS  

Think things through thoroughly, then go off half cocked!

 

SAGATARIUS
Your Astro-cycle is on an upswing, DUCK!!! 

 

VIRGO  

You probably feel as though you are being pulled in several  directions at present. Don't be so zarking stupid!

  

CAPRICORN 

Keep your spirits up. Only wimps drink straight beer! 

 

AERIES  

The planetary positions are in such a place this month that you are not going to understand just how crucial it is that you read this Harriscope. Nor are you going to be able to see any value in what has been written.

 

GEMINI

You’re in the mood for romance. Yes, you are so don’t argue with me. I know these things. The only problem is that nobody wants to get romantic with you.

 

LEO

If your a Leo, its bad news for you. ,If your name's Colin  or Tucker, then its really bad news for you. In fact, if I  were you I'd wish I was dead, just like I wish you were dead,  because Leo's are a bunch of moronsl! (So stick it up your nose!)

 

SCORPIO  

See last months Harriscope 

 

LIBRA  

This may be a confusing time....well it is for me, I can't  come up with a Harriscope for you. 

 

 

This is a tale of modern day pirates and ancient pirate treasure. Rex Cassidy, Vanessa Dante, Dufus Pyles, Rex’s 11 year old son; Blake and their friend Andrea are taking refuge in the ruins of an old pirate ship hidden under vines and shrubs on a deserted island.

 

Just then, Rex heard something strange and stopped in mid-sentence. In the distance, he could hear a whistling sound, like the wind blowing through the trees, but it came from below them, not above them. A cool breeze blew down into the ship and momentarily chilled him. The others felt it too and shivered.

'Wow,' Andrea said. 'Where did that come from?'

The old ship began to creak.

'Don't tell me the storm is starting up again,' groaned Blake. Suddenly he braced himself and the ship rocked. They could feel it beneath them, as if they were on a stormy sea.

'What the hell?' Rex gasped as Andrea and Vanessa clutched him in alarm. The walls began to rock gently as if something was taking the ship and manoeuvring it from side to side.

'What's causing that?' Andrea said.

'OhhhhhBBohhhhh!' wailed Dufus.

Then came a laugh, a ghostly and hideous laugh, which came from deep beneath them somewhere. It echoed through the cabin.

Rex now thought that someone was playing a joke on them, perhaps Murray, Pete and the others, but how could even a group of men cause a buried ship to rock like that and how did one of them get down below?

The laughter boomed even louder. Rex rose to his feet along with his two ladies. They continued to clutch at his arm, their eyes wide with fear. The ship continued to rock and they had to stagger a little to maintain their balance.

Then came footsteps. They appeared to be coming from the stairwell, the one that led down to the empty corridor.

'Somebody's down there!' Blake gasped.

Dufus jerked back. 'OHHHHBBOHHHH!

Rex picked up a cutlass he'd found in an old chest and stepped towards the stairwell. Then a figure appeared from the stairs, someone dressed in an old pirate costume, with an eye patch and a cutlass of his own in his hands. He didn't look human though, he looked ghostly and zombie like, with rotten flesh, some of which was peeling away from his face. His eyes glared at him and his companions. If it wasn't for the two rotten buck teeth jutting from his mouth, Rex might have been terrified.

Andrea screamed. Vanessa shrieked and lurched back. Dufus stood paralysed while Blake stared in shock.

The zombie pirate raised his cutlass in the air then astoundingly began to grow in size. Then he staggered towards Rex with one last wild cry...

Rex maintained his ground as the apparition of the decaying pirate lunged towards him. Then suddenly it came to a halt and laughed wildly as it swung its cutlass over its head. It continued to laugh and swing, but its eyes widened as if surprised that Rex had not backed away.

Rex was sure this had to be some kind of illusion, although how it could be achieved mystified him. He was not about to be intimidated though. 'Oh, shut the hell up!'  Rex growled at the apparent ghost. 'Don't be so damn melodramatic!'

The ghost immediately stopped laughing, the ship stopped rocking and the apparition's eyes widened even more.

'If you think you can scare us with that bullshit, you can forget about it!'

Blake, who had moments earlier cowered behind his father, stepped out to face the ghost now too. 'Yeah, bozo! We aren't afraid of no wimpy ghost!'

Vanessa rejoined Rex and held his arm, still with fear in her eyes. 'This has to be some kind of trick, right? And a lousy one too. I mean is he supposed to look scary? He looks more like a mutated scarecrow.'

'Yeah!' Blake said. 'A scarecrow clown!'

'Hey!' The apparition reeled. 'Don't talk to me like that, ye cheeky little rapscallion.'

'Don't call me a rapscallion, you decaying mass of pig snot.'

The apparition began to decrease in size. Seconds later he was back to the size of a normal human, about a foot shorter than Rex. 'Pig snot? Pig snot? I don't have to put up with this type of abuse, ye landlubber!'

'Ooooh, landlubber. I'm so insulted.'

'What is it?' Andrea asked, moving up alongside Rex and Vanessa. 'Is... is it for real?'

'It's a ghost!' Dufus still cowered at the rear. 'A ghost!'

'It's a trick,' Vanessa said. 'It has to be.'

'Get off my ship!' the ghost ordered.

'Your ship?'

'Yes. I am Captain Bjorn Van Heath. This is my vessel. Now get off!'

'A ghost!' Dufus wailed yet again. 'I knew it! He's haunting this boat!'

'Give me a bloody break!' Rex said. He peered around the ship, looking for some kind of beam, something that could project the holographic image of the rotting captain in front of them, but he could see no source emitting from anywhere. 'Whoever's doing this better come on out now or I'll tear this ship apart until I find you!'

'Don't ye dare, ye swab!'

'Or what?' Blake challenged the ghost.

'I'll... I'll make ye walk the plank! Arrrrrrrr!'

'Gee, I'm so scared. I guess I'll drown in a sea of leaves and grass.'

Rex peered around the ghost to see if the source was coming from the rear, but he could see nothing. It still bamboozled him how the entire ship could have rocked when it was so entrenched in dirt and vines. Whoever had planned this show had to have set it up well in advance, perhaps to scare away potential treasure hunters. 'Who's behind the illusion? Come on'  Rex thrust his hand forward at the ghost and it passed right through, but as it did, he felt an icy chill.

'I am not an illusion, squire!' said Van Heath. 'I am the captain of this ‘ere vessel. All who come aboard it answer to me.' Van Heath's eyes moved towards the bed and his jaw dropped. 'What did ye do to my bed?'

Clever, thought Rex. This projection even seemed to be able to show awareness of its surroundings. Whoever was causing it was able to see into the room and see that they had damaged the bed.

'This is outrageous!' Van Heath snarled. 'I demand that ye all leave at once, ye scurvy dogs!'

'He's a real ghost!' Dufus whined.

'He is not!' Blake said. 'It's some kind of trick.'

'I am telling ye the truth!' Van Heath declared. 'I am a ghost. Watch. I can even move things with my mind.' He pointed to a table, which, much to Rex’s surprise lurched suddenly into the air. It dropped down and crashed to the ground. 'Ohhhh... I still can't quite deal with the large objects.' He pointed to another part of the room. A metal tankard lifted from one of the shelves and drifted across to the table where it landed.

Rex stared in amazement. All he could think was that someone was playing with magnetics to be able to produce such a trick. He was about to examine the bottom of the table when suddenly Murray's pack lifted from the ground and hovered into the air. Now that was truly bamboozling. It hovered there for five seconds before it gently drifted back down to the ground.  Now Rex didn't know what to say. He stared back at the ghost wondering if perhaps it really was for real. 'Drokk.'

'I'm telling ye the truth,' Van Heath said. 'Brilling's curse has sentenced me to walk for eternity on this island.'

'Brilling,' Rex said. 'The captain of the ship you raided.' He remembered reading it in the log book. 'The one you made walk the plank.'

'Aye, the swab. He put  a curse on the treasure.'

'Where is the treasure?' Vanessa asked.

Andrea added, 'Tell us where it is, we'll find it and then we'll know that you really aren't a trick.'

'Nay, I will not tell ye. Tis my secret and will remain my secret.'

'That's because you don't know where it is,' Blake said. 'That's because your some eejit who wants to try to stop others from finding the treasure while you search for it unmolested.'

'Yeah,' Andrea said. 'That's gotta be it.'

'I do know where tis! I hid it! But ye will never find it.'

'That's what you think.' Rex smirked. 'And I bet once we do find it, you'll turn up again, but this time as your real self, not as some illu...'

'SHHHHH!' Van Heath hissed suddenly. 'Hark. Someone cometh!'

With that, he vanished into thin air. Rex froze and listened. He could hear nothing.

'Nah...' Blake said. 'There's no one. Wow, Dad, how could that guy pull off a trick like this? It's amazing. How did he make the ship rock like that?'

Suddenly there was sound. Some crunching of twigs and some footsteps.

'There is someone out there,' Andrea hissed.

A cry pierced the air and the roof above them gave way. Rex pulled Andrea and Vanessa out of the way just as two bodies plummeted down towards them. Another tumbled down after them.

 

If you would like to read this entire novel, it can be downloaded here on this site. Silhouettes of a Moving Statue

 

COOKING THE PYLES WAY WITH COOKING TIPS 

and GOOD RECEPES TO COOK THE WAY TUCKER PYLES COOKS

Plus Handy Hints!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  

by Tucker Pyles

 

Its     very ubbery to

 

 

 

 

 

be back at the top possiition in UBBa Magzeen. The very firrst billed artikel in the Magazeen. My

writeful pozition im sure you will agree.  i new that they would go along with my wishes after al1my cookiing coolum is the most ubbery coolum in the magazenne. they wouldn't dare risk loosingn me.

 

You may notiss that the my cooking coolum looks a little different this wweek. My type riter broek down. But I waz luckee becuz I found my dads old computer he                had back in 1989 so I ussed that insted.  Also a frend gave me some real printa paper so I dont  hav to use shits of toilit pappper and other stuff from round the house. Fear not though fans, I have

 

still insisted that my coolum be published exactly as I typed it so that all can witness my true brilliance. After all, that is why UBBA maagazzeeen have put my coolum back in the top spot, even ahead of Hew’s Interviwes.

 

this month I am devoteeing my entire coolum to two very dirty words. Words that we should never have to use EVA!  DIETING and EXISIZE

 

DO YOU WAN to hav a grate fizeek like me? Well reed on. if you want to go on a diet that     works       wait            till you hear

about the helthy foods i eat wen Im trying to loosze wait and also the grooling exersize programm i put miself on. It really works!

 

TEN IMPORTANT                   DYITING tipps ‘

 

1.      Always go to helth food takeaways and fast foods eg MacDonalds, Buggery King, KFC.

2.      When going to fast food places ONLY order 1 of everthying on menu. Show some self dissaplin!

3.     

 

Eat plenty of strawberries,                   but be sure thyat you dont cover them with iceing suger or chocklat. In the piles diet we beleeve in spreenkling them with salt instead. Much better four loozing wait.

4.      cigrettes are good for loozing wait, but be sure to micks plenty of muesli and milk with them else they taste horribal.

 

 

 

 

5.      Only fill your coffi kup quarter fill of suga.

6.      eggs nogs are delisious. but leave in the egg shells for ecstra crunch.

7.      This computer is no good! It makes too many misteaks!

8.      ‘I forgot what number 8           was going to be.

9.      whole meal bred is very helthy but just make sure it is a whole meal you put on your br3ead and not a miserable small meal.

10.  No nmber ten tip 3$%^%^&%(^#IOP:::::::::YTL:Krrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrhhfggggggggdsdddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddd

 

10 Ten speshal

points

 

1.      the pyles diet means cutting down to only 20 meels a day as opposed to 40.

3.      exesizing is involved, but in the pylis diet there are plenty o£ exesizes. you can do withougt actually leaving the kichen. i will talk about execises next edition

4.      it is also         good to get involved                           in

sporting actiiviitees. egggg chess, darts, texass holdim

polka and Jimmy snuka.

6.      Playing video games with sports wil actually help you lose the same amount of weight as real sports. Thats what my mate says anyway.

7-10. dont use normal skales to way yourself. in fact buy one of the

skales advertizzzzzzzzzzzzzzed in edition 3 of UBBA MAGAZween.

10    - remember the fatter ya are the stronga ya are.

 

That’s

it

for

this edition. see yoo next edition          still billed     as top coluuum of UBBA Magazeen. Well talke more about exercizzze     then.

 

 

Disclaimer: All articles in this magazine are the views of the authors and none of it is to be taken seriously. Interviews are purely fictional and letters are not written by the assigned people.

 

 

All writings copyrighted, UBBA Magazine 2016