Edition 7 - August 2016

 

Welcome to another edition of the greatest online magazine in the world; UBBA Magazine. We know how much you've all been suffering from UBBA Magazine withdrawal since the previous edition. We know that without your fix, it can seriously affect your mental health. The truth is, UBBA Magazine is a little like a drug, it’s very addictive reading. Well I'm totally against drugs and that's why we like to torment junkies like yourself. So if you don't like it, though shit, ass clown! 

 

Well Abbot Green is still with us, thanks to his older brother Vaughan paying UBBA Magazine a hefty bribe to give him one more chance to write a decent article. We’ve got our fingers crossed for you Rabbit 

 

In this edition, one of our resident interviewers, Colin Hewgill has really scored a big one. We thought that after his last run in with the royal family 20 years ago, we’d never have them in UBBA Magazine again, but Colin did it. After 20 years, the royal family have agreed to another exclusive interview. This one has to be read to be believed!

 

Well, old Tucker Pyles couldn't keep away. UBBA Magazine shoved him back to the last article in the magazine hoping that he would quit, but he didn't. Tucker reneged on his promise and changed his mind about quitting. He's got no spine, plenty of stomach, but no spine, so because of this, I’m sorry to say Tucker will be presenting his cooking column as usual.  However, the editors have made some conditions. He will have to accept the placement of his column wherever we decide to put it and we insist that from now on his writing must be edited and will NOT be entered into the magazine as he has typed it. In other words, he can type whatever he wants, but once it reaches the editorial staff, it will be edited and corrected so that people can actually read it! We will also be revamping the look of it and making it more professional. We’re even giving it a new name “Piles of Tucker”, which is very appropriate. However, don’t worry, if you are a fan of Tucker’s, it will still be his creations and advice you are getting. Although from my perspective, you need some serious psychological help if you are a fan of his! 

 

On a more serious note, I see that Donald Howe from Donald Howe Coercions Ltd… I mean Donald Howe Communications Ltd has written in to UBBA Magazine making threats. It’s a good thing you’re a man of god, Don, because you’re gonna need to do a lot of praying if you’re boys are gonna come around and break my legs. My legs are lethal weapons. But hey, send them around. I’ll be happy to deal with them.

 

Anyway, when it comes to empty threats I don’t make any of those myself, so listen up and listen up good, UBBA Magazine readers. Dufus Pyles is up next, so if you value your sanity, you’ll skip right to the letters to the editor.

 

Catch you next month!

 

Rex Cassidy.

 

 

I really must comment on those hilarious cartoon strips: The Pyles Family Restaurant and the Mob from TAC. They are brilliant and extremely funny. It’s amazing, the contrasting styles of comedy between both strips. The Pyles Family Restaurant has a slap stick style of comedy, where is the TAC strip gets its laughs,  not so much from the punch lines, but from the way Rex  Cassidy gets away with the things he does. I really must congratulate UBBA Magazine on these brilliant works of  cartoon comedy.... even thought the actual artwork is atrocious!

Terry Gilliam  England 

 

(Those cartoon strips are supposed to be serious) 

 

 

How dare Rex Cassidy insinuate that I have mob ties! He practically told the whole world that I'm tied up with the Mafia! This is down right slander! I'm going to sue Rex Cassidy for every penny that he's got! I am an honest business man who runs a clean business. I attend church every Sunday! My Dad's a minister for God’s sake! I have no dealings with hit men and have never ever hired one to kill anybody! I'm furious, but I am a reasonable man. I am prepared to settle out of court for a mere 5 million dollars.  I want it all in non sequentially numbered, unmarked bills, left in a safety deposit box at the Shortland Street Post Office in Auckland at 5pm on Friday. If it is not there Rex Cassidy, I will send the boys around to break both your arms! Nobody messes with the Howe family! 

Donald Howe  Auckland 

 

 

I am disgusted with Tucker Pyles and his cooking column. I tried making one of his UBBA Burgers and it was disgusting. I was sick for a week. I  think that Tucker should be sacked  from the writing staff! He's an idiot and his column is  appalling. I think that ya all should get rid of Tucker Pyles now!

Jethro Clampett - Beverly Hills 

 

(UuBBAA!!) 

 

 

UUUURRRBBAAARRR!!! UBBA Magazine is in deep trouble!  They put my article last in the previous edition. I am  totally pissed off! I said that I might quit if they didn’t put me in as the top article in the magazine. Well I almost did! But then I thought about the fans. I couldn't let them down. They want to read my cooking column. They need to read my cooking  column. If I quit, the fans would be devastated, so I decided to stay on for their sake. But be warned UBBA Magazine, I am not taking any more crap from you guys! From now on you do what I say! URRRBBARRR!!!!

Tucker Pyles (UBBA Magazine columnist)

 

 

 

Feel free to write in letters about your opinions about UBBA Magazine. We would love to hear from you.

 

 

If you have any regular articles you would like to add to UBBA Magazine please contact us. We are always on the look out for contributors and will give you credit where credit is due.

 

Simply contact the administrator of Recker’s World

 

Interviewer: Colin Hewgill

Guests: The Royal Family

 

Colin: Back in the 90s I had the unfortunate task of interviewing members of the royal family. They didn’t appreciate many of the questions I asked them and were furious with me afterwards. Vowed never to be interviewed by me again. If it had been a few hundred years ago, no doubts they would have had me beheaded. Well believe it or not I’ve managed to secure another interview with them. Well, ok, Fergy and Andy opted out this time, but Prince Chuckie’s sons have taken their place. So here they are… the Queen duck, Prince Charlie, Prince Willy and Prince Harry.

 

Charles: Now, let me make one thing perfectly clear to you, Colin, we agreed to be part of this interview because we love UBBA Magazine, but we only agreed to do it as long as you gave us the proper respect. You will not call us nicknames and you will especially not refer to the Queen as the Queen duck!

 

Wills: That’s right. And I’m gonna make sure my father and my grandmother are given that respect!

 

Colin: Ohhhhhhhh, so is this the future King of England talking here is it?

 

Wills: Yes!

 

Colin: The one who’s next in line to the throne.

 

Charles: I’m next in line to the throne!

 

Colin: Oh, suurrrrrre. We all know that there’s no way you’re getting the throne. The old queen duck here will make sure of that. She’ll stay in there as long as she possibly can and then she’ll pass it on to young Wills here.

 

Queen: How dare one make such unfounded presumptions?

 

Colin: Come on, Queenie, everybody knows that old Charlie here is an embarrassment to the family, especially after he shacked up with that ugly tart Camilla.

 

Charles: She is not an ugly old tart!

 

Colin: Her name suits here, she even looks like a camel. Hard to believe you’d choose her over Diana.

 

Charles: You don’t get to choose who you fall in love with. I hate to say it, but Camilla and I have a lot more in common that Di and I did, but I’m not willing to discuss that. The past can’t be changed, what’s done is done.

 

Will: Can we just get on with this interview?

 

Colin: Oh the future king, making a decree again, huh? You know when I interviewed your father last time I was commenting on what a little shit you were. I’m glad to see that you’ve turned out ok.

 

Will: Thank you.

 

Colin: Which is more than can be said for old Harry Potter over here. You’re even more of an embarrassment to your family than your old man.

 

Harry: Get bent!

 

Colin: Get bent? What’s that for a member of the royal family to say? Where’s your dignity? Where’s your grace? Oh… I forgot. You have none. You’re the type who gets down to their underwear and cavorts with prostitutes in public.

 

Harry: They weren’t prostitutes!

 

Charles: Look, why are you even bringing that up? He was young. Haven’t you done stupid things when you were a young adult? When you were allowed to drink and party? Why single out Harry? Just because he’s a prince?

 

Colin: Look, Chucky, if you were doing your job properly, you’d have made sure he was taught some regal behavior… although I guess you’re no role model the way you’ve behaved as a mature adult... I won’t mention that hag Camilla again.

 

Queen:  I think it’s very unfair for one to single out a few minor mistakes that were made by my family. Would one be doing that if we weren’t the royal family?

 

Colin: Don’t you talk, you old biddy. You may be scandal free when it comes to infidelity, but everyone knows what a cruel taskmaster you are when it comes to your staff. It’s like you’ve travelled back 200 years in time. The staff are treated like slaves.

 

Queen: That is UNTRUE!

 

Colin: I bet they’re all black too.

 

Queen: Nonsense!

 

Colin: Yeah, come on, ONE knows that you look down your nose at black people. Just look at that picture of you at the last Olympic games, scowling at the black people that were competing.

 

Queen: I was not!

 

Colin: There’s a photograph on the Internet of it. It even has you making obscene gestures. See? Have a look, I’ve got a copy right here!

 

Wills: Those gestures have been Photoshopped in! 

 

Colin: That scowl isn’t Photoshopped in. I know what you were thinking. “eeeeew, look at those black people. Please tell me they’re not part of the commonwealth. Pleeeease. Ewwww… Uganda? Are they one of ours too? I hope not.”

 

Queen duck: You are starting to annoy me.

Chuckie: And me too! You promised that you would not poke fun at us and that’s all you’re doing.

 

Wills: Not just poking fun either. Making downright slanderous accusations.

 

Colin: Geeze, Wills, what’s with you? I’ve been saying nice things about you and you want to have me put to death?

 

Wills: I don’t want you put to death I just don’t like you badmouthing the rest of my family.

 

Colin: I guess you take after your mother. She was a decent sort. Unlike young Harry here who flushed his morals down the toilet like his old man did.

 

Harry: Get bent!

 

Colin: Didn’t Dumbledore teach you any manners? Or has Voldemort had too much of an influence over you?

 

Hairy: Oh ha-dee-ha-ha, Harry Potter jokes. As if I haven’t heard any of them.

 

Colin: The whole royal family is becoming a joke. I asked this last time, but I’ll ask it again. What of any value does the royal family have in this day and age? It seems to me all they do is cost us a fortune. Wait… I know… without you guys woman’s magazines would have nothing to put on their front covers. Guys like Hairy here, make us all feel good about ourselves too, by the fact that even Royals are no better than anybody else. Even the royals like to parade around in their underwear with hookers.

 

Hairy: Why don’t you just shut the hell up?

 

Colin: Hey, someone has to ask the hard questions. Care to answer it? What value are you to us Hairy?

 

Harry: I… um… look I never asked to be a royal. I was just born into it.

 

Wills: Like we all were.

 

Colin: So you’re admitting that you’re of absolutely no value to anyone. And that all you are is a burden on the tax payer?

 

Wills: I object to that. We try to do our bit for the country. We have both served our countries in the armed forces.

 

Colin: Oh yeah and you were on  the front lines too! NOT! 

 

Charles: We all do what we can. There is a demand for us to visit different countries. We act as diplomats. It’s about going out and offering the hand of friendship. Many things.

 

Colin: You really have managed to delude yourself, haven’t you Chuckie? Made yourself believe you’re actually of some use.

 

Queen: Hummph! We are the royal family! We have these rights due to birth! If one was alive 200 years ago one would be bowing down to us. We would be RULING!

 

Charles: Easy, mother, easy. You are letting your frustrations get the better of you. You need to calm down or you may say things you might regret and we don’t want those things published on the Inter…

 

Queen: YOU, Colin, would be beheaded for the way you are talking to us! You SHOULD be beheaded! If I had my way I’d have all you miserable peasants beheaded. What good are you to US? NOTHING!

 

Charles: Mother, please…

 

Queen: Quiet, you imbecile! It’s about time the people of the commonwealth realized that if it wasn’t for our decedents letting go of their power and handing it to governments, we’d still be in charge! We’d still be ruling! And peasants like this man here would be executed immediately! YOU SHOULD ALL BE GRATEFUL!

 

Colin: Now we’re talking. Now we’re hearing what you really think.

 

Queen: If it was 200 years ago, I’d have YOU crucified! You and all your other anti-royalist friends! You are nothing but a pack of fu…

 

Chuckie: That’s quite enough mother. Come on boys, we need to get your grandmother out of here. She has said too much. Colin, I am ordering that you destroy the recordings and transcripts of this interview. It must not be published in UBBA Magazine.

 

Colin: Sure, no problems, Chuck. After all we wouldn’t want the world to hear what the Queen really thinks of us peasants now, would we?

 

{The royals leave}

 

Colin: Well there we have it folks. The first interview ever where the queen lost her cool and told us what she really thinks of us. You read it all here in UBBA Magazine.

 

 

Click on cartoon to enlarge

 

By Vanessa Dante

 

 

Grandmothers are funny things.

 

I love my grandmother, but  some of the things she says and does really makes me wonder just how much deterioration her brain really has suffered. Ok, she’s in her early 90s and can’t get around like she used to, but she still has me scratching my head some times.

 

For instance, my husband Rex and I were having dinner at her place a few days ago and she was gazing out the window at the cars driving by and commented, ‘Isn’t it amazing how many white cars there are on the roads these days?’

 

I stared at her for a few seconds wondering why anyone in their right mind would notice the ratio of vehicle colours driving along the road outside their house. It made me wonder just how boring her life was if her daily excitement was watching cars drive by.

 

And then she commented how 'those lorries shouldn’t be allowed on the road, as they tear it all up.'  

 

Hellooooo, Nana… where else do you expect them to drive? And why do you call them lorries? We call them trucks these days. However, all I did was smile and reply, ‘Yes, Nana. Those big lorries cost us tax payers millions of dollars a year in roadworks. They really should be banned.’ After which she nodded and agreed profusely.

 

The other problem with my grandmother is just how deaf she is. It’s gotten so bad these days that you sound like a retard when you hold a conversation with her. ‘HELLOOOOO NANA! ISN’T IT A NIIIICEEE DAYYYY TODAYYYYY? OHH, YOU’RE COLD? WHAT? IT’S MUCH COLDER THESE DAYYYYS? OH YESSSSSS, IT’S MUCH MUCH COLDER THESE DAYYYYYS. NEED TO WRAP UP WARRRRM… YESSSS PLENTY OF WOOLIES!’

 

It seems that the weather is just about all we talk about when visiting Nana. That and the number of white cars that are on the road these days. Anything much more than that and it’s just way too much effort and the room for misunderstandings is just too great. For instance, when we were last visiting Nana we were talking about investments.

 

‘REXXXY AND I HAD A GOOOD BONK WITH A BIG BUNCH OF BLONNNNDES’

 

‘What?? You had sex with a bunch of blonde bimbos?’

 

‘NOOO! I SAID REXXXY AND I HAVE A GOOD BANK WITH A BIG BUNCH OF BONDS.’

 

Just imagine if she hadn’t clarified that. Imagine how many times she got the wrong message and said nothing!

 

Ok, I’m poking some fun here. I may be in my 20s, but I know that one day I’ll be a grandmother and not in full command of my faculties.  And with the amount of sex myself and my hubby Rexy indulge in… well… we do use birth control, but birth control is no guarantee and even if the failure rate was .001%, I’ll have about 20 children by the time I’m 40 years old.

 

Just imagine how many grandchildren there will be having a good laugh about me!

 

God never fails

 

We as Christians believe that God never fails, however we are often challenged by dirty evil non-believers who say that God DOES fail and he fails often. For instance I have had it pointed out to me recently that all throughout the bible stories God failed time and time again. He failed to keep Satan in check. He failed to create a world that couldn’t be corrupted by sin. In an attempt to wipe out evil, he flooded the entire world, however that achieved absolutely nothing and evil remained. Yet another failure. Then he had his own son killed horribly in yet another attempt to get rid of evil, but that still didn’t worked. Evil remains.  God is a failure!

 

Well, my brothers and sisters, I say that my God is NOT a failure! There is always an excuse you can make for him and in this edition of UBBA Magazine I will show you a way to be able to show that God doesn’t fail EVER!

 

Let’s say that God was made to sit a Maths test. Let’s say that getting 50% or more in the test is a pass.  Now let’s say that according to the results God only got 5% right. Dirty filthy Satan loving bastards would say “HE FAILED!” But as a Christian, my brothers and sisters, we can show them that is not the case.  All one needs is the guidance of the Holy Spirit to come up with rational reasons why it only APPEARS as if God got just 5% in that Maths test.

 

·         Test results were falsified to only make it look as though he failed.

·         It wasn’t actually God that sat the test.

·         Papers were switched later and a Geography paper was marked rather than the actual maths paper

·         God’s answers were the right answers. The test was at fault.

·         God got the answers right, it’s just that the examiners didn’t understand his answers because he answered them in God language, rather than human.

·         God deliberately gave the wrong answers because he didn’t appreciate being tested by mere mortals.

 

So you see, brothers and sisters, there are always good reasons we can come up with to explain away any supposed failure by our lord and saviour. All one has to do is listen to the Holy Spook. Of course you have to be a TRUE Christian like me to be hearing from it.

 

 

Letters

 

Dear Pastor Jake,

I am still having trouble getting my converts to remain interested in my new religion, Pylism. Threats have worked to keep my Pylists coming, but I’m finding that things are becoming rather repetitive. I have kind of run out of things to preach and am racking my brains for new ideas. What other things can I do so that I don’t have to preach so much?
Pastor Tucker Pyles (UBBA Magazine columnist)

Dear Tucker,

Every good religion is full of religious rituals to keep people entertained. All one has to do is look at a typical Christian church, with its baptisms, altar calls, communion , worship sessions, bible readings, prayer times, etc etc. There is a lot  going on, so you need to create some of your own religious rituals too. Knowing a little bit about you  through the UBBA Magazine writing staff, I can see that food is your obsession. Perhaps instigating some kind of communion ritual would be a good one. Religious rituals around eating and drinking. Really though, it’s up to you what you instigate. As soon as you say it’s crucial to do those things to be considered a true Pylist, they will do them. Even if they don’t like the idea of practising religion just try to make out it’s not really religion. That it’s them taking further steps in their relationship with you. 

 

Dear Pastor Jake,

I sometimes wonder why I bother to pray. To me it just seems like a religious ritual designed to make a person feel like they’re doing something, when really they’re doing nothing. It seems to me getting off ones butt and doing something is a way more productive way of solving one’s problems. Do I really have to spend time praying?
Brent Zane

Dear Bent,

Prayer is the most important religious ritual you can conduct. You must be talking to God as much as you possibly can, otherwise how will God know what he has to do? He needs you to be there to prompt him otherwise he won’t do anything. Even then there are no guarantees. You just have to hope he’s in the mood to help. God is who God is and has a lot of more important problems to deal with than your trivial issues, Bent, but nevertheless, would you bother doing anything for your own child if they never talked to you?  

 

Dear Pastor Jake,

I read your article about Judgement Day in Edition 2 of UBBA Magazine and I have to say it is bugging me greatly. It disturbs me to think that  a guy like Adolf Hitler could be in Heaven right now if he asked for forgiveness for all the terrible things he did. And being a devout catholic, who is to say he didn’t repent before his death? It’s like you said, we could be rubbing shoulders with him in Heaven, calling him our brother. Loving him like a brother. What bugs me is that a person who has committed so many atrocities could possibly be forgiven ever! Surely really terrible people like Hitler, Ted Bundy, Charles Manson and people like that should never be allowed into a Heaven?
Hayden Harris

Dear Hayden,

You are looking at the things those people did all wrong. Remember even if you told a white lie, that is evil and makes you deserving of being burnt alive in God’s barbeque pit for all eternity. Just that one small sin is all it takes. So Hitler murdered millions of Jews and Homosexuals. Even if that was not God’s will… and we can’t know that for sure as God performed genicidal acts himself… Hitler’s own acts of genocide are no worse than that little white lie you told when you were five years old! HALLELUJAH! So it doesn’t matter what atrocities we’ve committed!   Remember Hayden that the bible tells us that even hating someone is the same as murdering them. How many people have you hated, Hayden? By doing what you have done,  you have committed similar atrocities to Hitler! The two of you will be like two peas in a pod up in Heaven. PRAISE THE LORD!

 

Disclaimer: UBBA Magazine in no way endorse the methods recommended by Aunty Lil

 

It constantly amazes me just how many clueless parents there are out there who have no common sense when it comes to parenting. I never had to have someone to give me advice. I worked out all my techniques myself by a little trial and error and now here I am the model parent giving useless parents much needed advice.

 

Yes, I am still getting floods of letters from people with questions on stuff that anyone with half a brain should be able to figure out for themselves. So here we go with a couple more answers to questions…

 

How do I get my children to do chores?

 

When people ask me this question, I just shake my head in despair. A good threat of a thrashing with my belt soon gets my son, Tucker running to do their chores, even now that he’s in his 40s, but apparently, for some inane reason, that’s considered abuse these days.  Seriously, as soon as Tucker turned 15, I had him out of the house doing a part time job so that he could contribute to the cost of his mammoth food bill. If he ever dared refuse to perform a task, he’d go hungry for a week!

 

But ok, there are other ways of getting them to do chores. I found never doing anything for them, soon sorted them out. For instance, not cooking for them. Eating raw meat and eggs isn’t a particularly appetising option.

 

Another thing is don’t wash their clothes. Once Tucker had been wearing the same dirty underwear for a week or so, it was the kids at school that did the punishing for me, I can tell you that! The taunting and the isolation. Kids soon learn that once they soil their pants and have to keep wearing the same ones for the next few days it doesn’t make them very popular at all, especially when they’re at high school!

 

How do I stop my kids from squabbling?

 

Sibling rivalry is only natural and as far as I’m concerned should be SLAPPED OUT OF THEM! Ok, if you want to be a goody two-shoes pushover, then don’t slap them, but there are plenty of other things you can do.

 

1)      Arena battle. Set up an arena along with lots of weapons and have your kids fight it out one-on-one. That way you’re not actually abusing them in any way. A fight to the death is probably going a little overboard and the weapons don’t have to be that dangerous. Just enough so the kids can inflict a little suffering on each other. If the age difference is only a couple of years, don’t worry. A pecking order should be established anyway. Of course it can’t be boy vs girl. That would just be silly.

2)      Gagging. If all they’re doing is arguing and saying mean things to each other, I find that just tying them up and gagging them does wonders. Just see how much arguing they want to do with each other after being bound and gagged for a few hours.

3)      Boot Camp. Boot Camp is a different type of thing in the Pyles house. In fact Boot Camp is actually the chicken coup and it’s called that because it’s so muddy and full of chicken shit that you need to wear boots in there. And when you’re sent to Boot Camp you’re there for the entire night. So when two siblings are squabbling, simply make them sleep out with the chooks. They may still squabble while out there but at least you won’t hear them! The only negative thing is that their clothes end up covered in chicken shit afterwards, but that’s ok, just send them to school like that. They’ll soon wish they never squabbled!

4)      Sit them down and talk to them. Get them to express their feelings… ARE YOU KIDDING ME? Get the hell out of here! That’s not gonna work with kids, you idiots. If all you do is scold them, they’re not gonna change their behaviour. You’re a deluded idiot if you do think that. What I do is sit there and I yell at them for half an hour non-stop. I go on and on about what little shits they are, repeating the same things over and over. By the end they’ll have a furious headache and will not dare risk getting another lecture.

 

Well that’s all the advice I’m giving you this week. If you’re that pathetic that you still have questions, then I suggest you just send your kids to an adoption agency. Clueless parents like you shouldn’t have kids. 

 

Love Aunty Lil

Recently UBBA Magazine uncovered an old school science test of Tucker Pyles and we published it in UBBA Magazine. This time around, one our investigative reporters managed to uncover an old high school report of Tucker's when he was fourteen years old. It was so bizarre, we simply had to publish it in UBBA Magazine. Check it out!

 

 

MATHS

Tucker  has not done too well, this year. He has failed every maths test. More time needs to be spent learning his two times tables.

 

READING

Tucker is finding it difficult to read. He has just finished reading “The Cat in the Hat”, which makes a total of two books that he has read this year. He has however had to pay out a total of 350 dollars for damages to books he has thrown around the classroom.

 

ENGLISH LANGUAGE

Not a good year for Tucker as he is still on level one. He uses words that should not be used in class. He picks on the other students and his spelling needs attention. The only word that he knows now to spell is the word “Food”.

 

SOCIAL STUDIES

Tucker has farted around all year and bullied the other students. He has failed all his tests, and has extreme difficulty with map work. (He does not know which country is New Zealand on a world map) Tucker will need to try very hard next year when he repeats his year again.

 

SCIENCE

Tucker is quite knowledgeable when it comes to food and digestion, but in all other subjects he's hopeless. He is careless when it comes to experiments and often causes considerable damage to lab equipment. He has had to pay a grand total of $5630 dollars due to damaging science equipment. He almost burnt down the entire science lab once

 

MUSIC 

Tucker is not very musical and always sings out of tune. He tends to use musical instruments as weapons and has had to pay out large sums of money due to wrecked instruments. He must be constantly reminded that people’s heads are not drums or xylophones.

 

PHYSICAL EDUCATION 

Tucker makes absolutely no effort in PE and is extremely unfit. he is useless at all sports and really needs to go on a diet urgently. As much as he might like to believe it, MacDonalds is NOT health food. 

  

MAORI STUDIES

The only Maori word that Tucker has learnt is the word “KAI”. The rest of the time, he invents Maori words or his own. He must be told again and again that swear words are not Maori.

 

CLOTHING

Tucker finds the going tough and tends to fool around way too much. He must be told off frequently for playing racing cars on the sewing machines.

 

COOKING

Tucker has tried hard, but nothing edible to normal humans has ever been cooked by him. He has a bad habit of squashing butter into people’s faces and is often told off for eating his food before its even cooked.

 

 

Well I’m back again and I’m ubbed off. I threatened to quit if last month, I wasn’t put back to the top-billed article in this magazine, ie, the first column after Rex’s intro. That’s where I’m sure you agree I deserved to be. But no, they put me last! The last ubbing article in the entire magazine. Even lower than Dufus's Final UBBA! Can you believe that??

 

Mine is the greatest column in the entire magazine. I would have quit if it wasn’t for you fans. Last month I got floods of letters coming in saying, “Don’t quit, Tucker! We love you. You are very ubbery.” They didn’t want me to quit. They love my column. People were saying “what a waste of talent” and “no other magazine is good enough for you Tucker!”

 

Well I considered my friend Callum's words and realised he was right, so I decided to continue to write my cooking column for UBBA Magazine. Thanks Callum for your sup… I mean thank you to all my fans out there for your support. I really appreciate it. Damn it, how do I start a new paragraph now? Do I just press the Pause/Break button?

 

Oh, there we go, somehow I managed to get a new paragraph started. Anyway this month I’m continuing with my advice on those two four letter words, “Dieting” and “Exercise”. I covered the dieting in the previous edition, so this week it’s all about the bass… I mean exercise. It’s important that as well as dieting you do exercise as well.

 

One of my favourite exercises is one you often see done in gyms. You hold a heavy object in your hand, eg an apple, you bend your arm at the elbow and lift the item to your chest and then down again, up down, up down, up down, up down, up down, up down, up down, up down, up down, up down, up down, up down, up down, up down, up down… is that 20 times? Well any way, 20 times. The handy thing is that if the item you are lifting is edible, you can actually take bites out of it each time you lift it up. Additional exercise! Your jaw as well as your muscles around your throat and mouth.  How about that? I bet no gym ever gave you two for the price of one like that!

 

Another favourite exercise of mine is when you’re lying in your bed next to a high shelf. The trick is to sit up, grab an item off the shelf, sit down again, sit up and put the item back on the shelf and repeat this several times. This strengthens your stomach muscles. But this gets very tiring after a while so just for a little incentive, you can make the object you reach for something edible… like chocolate. I know that always motivates me to keep going.

 

Now you can’t forget running, as much as you may hate it and let’s face it any person who’s not a masochist hates running. When people say “fun run” that’s the ultimate in oxymorons, right? Like in the movie “Back to the Future 3”, a guy says, “Run for fun? What kind of goddam fun is that?” Not only is it self-inflicted torture it’s also very boring, so I set several tables out in a room piled high with different edible goodies. I then run from table to table to table to table to table to table to table to table to table scoffing down food. UUUUUBBAAAAA!!

 

Exercising DVDs and TV shows are excellent. Richard Symmonds is one of my favourites. The only problem is that they are usually on too early in the morning so if you’re like me and are busy eating breakfast, why not record it or get them on DVD? You can grab a few cartons of popcorn and a few bottles of Coke and a few tubs of ice cream and sit down and watch them. Sometimes I even eat my breakfast while watching. I get really pooped just watching those guys exercise. Now if that isn’t good exercise I don’t know what is!

 

Other good ways to exercise while on the Pyles Diet

 

Cycling             Mopeds are the best bikes as they get you around faster

Yachting           A relaxing cruise on a yacht is excellent exercise. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

Rowing             I used to be a dick when I was a kid… I mean a cox, but they won’t let me anymore because they said I was too big and powerful.

Swimming         In the spa pool

Decathlon         This is the special Pyles Decathlon we do at family get togethers.
1^st event: Pie eating contest
2^nd event: Milk skulling contest
3^rd event: Egg and spoon eating contest
4^th event: Apple bobbing contest
5^th event: Lolly scramble
6^th event: Cream pie fight (you even get to eat the remains!)
7^th event: Blindfold taste test
8^th event: Chocolate game (with dice)
9^th event: Synchronised eating

 

Well, that’s it for this edition of UBBA Magazine. See you next time where I should have another great recipe for you.

 

 

A monthly column where readers send in letters with personal problems to solve. Our psychological expert Will Ulman (Alias Wal) has the answers and will gladly give his advice free. Remember, if you too have a problem (no matter how stupid it is... even if its a made up one) just send in your letter and Wal will give sensitive,caring advice to help you solve it.

 

Dear Wal 

Hi it's me again. The guy who used to wear a paper bag over his head with Tucker Pyles on it. I actually missed your last issue because my computer was stolen and I haven’t had access to the Internet. I got my girl back and she’s still wearing her paper bag with Beyonce’s face on it, but would you believe that she actually asked me to change the face on my paper bag from Tucker Pyles to Mel Gibson.  Well that was fine, and for the last three few weeks things have been going great, but now she seems to really like me a lot.  Even more than before, which is fine, but you know, now I'm  starting to get sick of her. She's becoming a real battle axe. A real nagger. I've almost had enough of her. What on earth do I do now? After all this trouble I've gone to it  seems a waste of time just to drop her. What's next Wal? 

Let Down 

 

Reply

Bloody hell, this is getting ridiculous! Are you ever going to be satisfied? Can't you solve your own problems for  a change? Why do you have to ask me for? 

 

Because you’re the problem solver of UBBA Magazine 

 

Oh, right...Ok then...Well how about wearing a Michael Jackson paper bag again? That'll scare her off. You  won't have to drop her, she'll drop you. Then you can go  looking for another girl friend. Try putting on the Mel Gibson paper bag again at that stage.       

 

 

Dear Wal,

The most unubbery thing has happened. My mum is threatening to move in with me. She will make my life a  misery! What will I do? How will I get rid of her?

Tucker Pyles (UBBA Magazine columnist)

 

Reply

For once in your life you’re going to  have to stand up to the old cow! Tell her to naff off! 

 

 

Dear Wal, 

Our kids, 10 and 12 sent away for a heap of mail order stuff using our credit card number. We cannot seem to get it through to them that it is the wrong thing to do.  Frustrated 

 

Reply 

Well if you can't control your own kids you must be  pretty pathetic parents. In my days a good whack around the  backside done wonders and never had any negative effect, as,  but for some unknown reason people seem to think it does these  days. But if you're too pathetic to do that, then there's  not much you can do but give your kids their own credit card! 

 

 

Dear Wal,

Our teenaged daughter is currently seeing a boy we do  not approve of. We have tried everything, including  forbidding her to see him, but it does not good. She still  goes against our wishes and sees this boy. What shall we do? 

Family problems 

 

Reply 

I know exactly how that boy feels, I was in that boat many times myself. If it was my daughter I'd smack the creep in the head and tell him to naff off and never see her again.  A girl's father tried that on me once, but he was the one that got laid out. 

 

 

Dear Wal 

I am 93 years old and have a nurse looking after me at  my home. The nurse is very nasty and does mean and cruel things to me when nobody else is around. Nobody will believe  me, I guess that they think that I'm rambling, but it is all  true. What can I do? 

Abused 

 

Reply 

I would personally never hit a woman, but you being a woman means that it is quite acceptable for you to do so. I say smack her one!        

 

Brought to you by Mad David Harris

 

 

PISCES

An unusual event may occur at work. You might arrive on time.

 

AQUARIUS

If you skip reading this Harriscope you will win three million dollars in a lottery this month.

 

CANCER

You may receive a windfall this month. Make sure you have a can of air freshener handy and stop eating so many baked beans.

 

TAURUS

You feel lazy, pleasant and self indulgent now. Hey, Join the club!

 

SAGGITTARIUS

Sagittarians are not superstitious people, so don't bother reading horoscopes, so what's the point in doing one for you?

 

VIRGO

Your stars are predicting that there is too much drama around you right now. You should really give up watching all those afternoon soaps and talk shows.

 

CAPRICORN

Compromise is the order of the day, as someone close to you demands their say. So listen to them.... then tell them to sod off.

 

AERIES

Someone who has had their eye on you for a while will make a move..... To another town, so tough luck you've missed out again you dozy sod.

 

GEMINI

Romance, romance, romance! Sorry, none for you this month!

 

LEO
As I don’t like Leos this is your Harriscope. You will wake up late with a splitting hangover and will almost drown in a shower. Your car will have a puncture and you'll get the sack with no severance pay and your partner will leave you. You'll walk out onto the road and get bowled over by a truck. You'll die a lingering painful death in hospital. God won’t let you into heaven so you'll have to go to hell (And good job too!)

 

SCORPIO
No Comment.

 

LIBRA

 

Romance is definitely in your ball court this month. Serve up plenty of wit & you wont strike out. Remember, if you don't play ball you will be at a fault and may end up in a right royal racquet. Be an ace and take the game to the opposition.  

 

 

 

Tucker considered which desk he would go to first. Choir, school rock band, orchestra, dance… The rock band sounded like his sort of thing. He could just imagine himself on stage in front of millions of screaming fans belting out some wild song.

Mr Wilson sat at the desk and already quite a crowd of students surrounded him. ‘Tucker Pyles right? Can’t imagine you in a band, but we don’t discriminate here. Can you play a musical instrument?’

‘Yep! You name it, I play it.’

‘Really? Are you any good?’

‘Does bird shit taste like scrambled eggs?’

Mr Wilson gave him a disgusted look. ‘I don’t know. Does it?’

‘Well it used to when I was a kid… at least it tasted like my mother’s scrambled eggs.’

Mr Wilson screwed up his face. ‘Ah man, that’s gross. Ok Tucker, can you play the guitar?’

‘Can I play the guitar…?’ Tucker scoffed as if it were a silly question. ‘You’ve heard of the band Dire Straits haven’t you?’

‘Of course! Who hasn’t? I saw them perform at Mt Smart Stadium back in 86. What a great concert.’

‘Well you know the lead singer. He’s my dad and taught me everything I know.’

‘What, Mark Knopfler is your father?’ Mr Wilson muffled a laugh.

‘Errr, yeah.’

‘So why is your name Pyles, not Knopfler?’

‘Because Knopfler is only his stage name.’

‘Ah, I see.’ Mr Wilson chuckled and reached behind himself and grabbed a guitar, which leant against the wall. ‘Give us a demo, Tucker.’ He handed it to him.

‘Err…’ Tucker couldn’t possibly let on the fact he couldn’t play. ‘I ah don’t really feel like playing at the moment.’

‘Why not? You want to be considered for the band, don’t you?’

‘Yeah, but someone with talent like me, a pure genius when it comes to the guitar, doesn’t just play because someone wants him to. He has to get into the zone first.’

‘Well let me put it to you plain and simple, Tucker. If you want to audition for a spot in the band, you’ll need to get into the zone right now. You need to prove to me you can at least play a simple tune. So show me what you’ve got, or move on.’

Tucker groaned and took the guitar from him. He began to strum on the guitar, doing his best to get something nice out of it, but all he got was a jumbled up mess of unidentifiable chords.

Mr Wilson flinched. ‘I think we’ll pass on you Tucker. Try one of the other groups.’

‘But I’m good, I really am, I just need to get into the zone. I could play keyboards… or the drums, I’m great at the drums.’

‘Pass. Move along Tucker, I have a lot of people to talk to and I haven’t got time to waste with someone who doesn’t live up to his claims.’

‘Uuuuubbaaaaaa,’ groaned Tucker and trundled away to the next desk. The school orchestra. Maybe not as cool as being in a rock group, but he was confident he could play some kind of musical instrument. He’d tooted on his mother’s old flute numerous times and had even managed to play Baa Baa Black Sheep on it, or at least something that came pretty close. A little practise would soon get him up to the necessary standards they’d be looking for. It wouldn’t be long before they’d be making him the star player of the orchestra. Instead of being called the Te Arawa College Orchestra, they’d be promoting it as Tucker Pyles & the Te Arawa College Orchestra.

He became even more determined to join when he saw Chelsea signing up, but then he noticed Sheep there too trying to make his way to the front.

Chelsea raised an eyebrow when she saw him. ‘Sheep. What are you doing here? I didn’t expect to see you here at all tonight.’

‘I figured I’d give the orchestra a shot. I’ve really started to appreciate classical music over the last few months, you know and I figured it was time to broaden my horizons.’

‘But Sheep, you don’t even know how to play an instrument.’

Tucker snickered. What an ubbhead, he thought to himself. Who the hell would try to sign up for an orchestra when they had no musical aptitude at all?

‘I’ve just started taking piano lessons.’

‘But that takes years to get any good at.’

‘Well I’ll learn some other instrument then. What do you recommend?’

Tucker snickered again. What a complete and utter ubbhead.

‘Sheep, please tell me you’re not trying to join up with the orchestra just to impress me.’

‘Of course not! I really want to do it.’

‘Well… I’m really pleased to see a guy like you being so keen, but I think you might need to learn an instrument first before you try out for the orchestra. I don’t think they’ll take you.’

‘Maybe you’re right.’ Sheep peered down at the ground. ‘Maybe you could teach me to play the clarinet?’

‘I’m not that good at it.’ She smiled.

‘I don’t care. You could just teach me what you know. I’ll even buy my own clarinet.’

‘I don’t think so, Sheep.’

‘Ah come on!’

‘I don’t know. You’d have to prove to me you’re serious first.’

‘I’ll buy a clarinet. Will that convince you?’

‘I guess.’ Chelsea turned back to the table to talk to the teacher. Sheep moved back nearer to where Tucker stood.

‘Are you for real, Shepherd?’ Tucker said, with contempt. ‘You aren’t seriously considering signing up for the orchestra when you don’t even know how to play an instrument, are you?’

Sheep glanced back towards Chelsea and saw she was busy, so turned back and spoke to Tucker in a low voice. ‘Of course I don’t want to sign up, you spaz. The last thing I want to do is be in the orchestra. I’m just going through the motions, that’s all.’

‘Why?’

‘To impress Chelsea.’

‘Since when were you into her?’

‘Since last…’

‘Attention please!’ a voice came from the stage. At first Tucker thought one of the teacher’s had something to say, but he was very surprised to see Wal standing up on stage, with a microphone in his hand.

‘What the hell…?’ Sheep stared up at him in disbelief.

Many people had already left the hall, but it was still a few seconds before all the talk died down and all attention went to the stage.

‘I ah…’ Wal said. ‘I have something I’d like to do. I know there are a few people signing up for the school choir and well… I sort of wanted to sign up too.’

There were snickers from a lot of people down on the floor who knew him well.

‘What an ubbhead. Can you imagine him in the choir?’ Tucker said to Sheep.

‘Hell no…’ But Sheep didn’t look particularly convinced. In fact, there was concern on his face.

Wal continued to talk. ‘Now no one’s gonna believe a guy like me is serious, so I figured the best way to convince you is to do a little audition. So I hope yas don’t mind me doing a little number.’

Sheep’s eyes bugged. ‘He has got to be joking…’

Wal motioned over to the side of the stage. Some music started to play over the speakers. Tucker recognised the tune as an old Joe Cocker song.

‘You are so beautiful to me… You are so beautiful to me… can’t you seeee?’

As Wal sang, his eyes remained locked in the direction of the Orchestra table. When Tucker glanced over, the first thing he noticed was Chelsea standing there, staring up onto the stage, wide-eyed.

Tucker couldn’t believe it. Was Wal singing to her? 

‘You’re everything I hoped for… you’re everything I dreaaaaaamed…’

Tucker noticed the look on Sheep’s face. It was one of horror. He stared from Chelsea, back up to Wal, then back down to Chelsea again. When Tucker examined the expression on Chelsea’s face, it had changed to one of amazement. In fact, she looked entranced.

‘You are so beautiful to meeee…’

Tucker thought Wal was actually not a bad singer. He wouldn’t have won a talent quest, but he could hold a tune and actually sung the song with feeling. He sure had guts standing up there, singing a love song to Chelsea Brown. Others had started to notice his fixed gaze as he sung and were peering over to where Chelsea stood.

‘This is a sick joke,’ Sheep muttered. ‘I can’t believe he’s doing this.’

‘I didn’t know he was into Chelsea.’

Sheep just scowled, continuing to glare up at Wal and then turned his eyes back to Chelsea once more. Wal continued to sing, continuing to keep his eyes fixed on Chelsea. Once he was done, all those listening applauded and cheered. Wal quickly left the stage.

Chelsea made her way through the small crowd hovering around the orchestra desk. ‘Wow,’ she said once she reached Sheep. ‘Was I imagining it or was he looking at me the entire time he sang that song? I think I must be going mad.’

‘I think Ullman’s flipped his lid, that’s what,’ Sheep said. ‘If he thinks he’s gonna get in the choir, he should think again.’

‘I think it’s really neat,’ said Chelsea. ‘Even if he wasn’t singing it to me. Maybe he’s starting to mellow out a bit has our Wal.’

‘That’ll be the day,’ Sheep replied, with irritation in his voice. ‘Wal will always be an uncouth loudmouth. That’s just the way he is.’

Tucker was about to agree when he noticed Vanessa saunter over to the Dance desk. She was signing up. He decided to forget about trying to get into the school orchestra. Dance was his forte now. He could see it now, he and Vanessa dancing together on stage. They would have the lead roles in the school musical. They would sing a duet together and wow the audience with their impressive manoeuvres.

He hurried over to the desk. Vanessa was the only one there now, as all the others had signed up and left the hall.

‘So what training have you done in the way of dance?’ Mrs Heller, the dance teacher asked.

‘I’ve trained in a range of dance. Started with ballet when I was young and moved to Traditional and Modern dance. I’ve done some Latin, but really want to learn some more.’

‘Wow, your resume sounds impressive. Of course, it doesn’t matter how much experience you’ve had or how much you know, we cater for beginners and advanced learners. Of course, you have to be very good if you want to get into the school musical later on in the year. We’ll only have a few openings there. So please, take these forms and fill them in and get them back to us as soon as possible.’

‘I’m in!’ Tucker stepped up.

Both Mrs Heller and Vanessa turned their eyes to him.

‘You?’ Mrs Heller tried to hold back a laugh, but couldn’t.

‘Tucker, Tucker, I think you’re in the wrong place,’ Vanessa said. ‘I think you’re meant to be in the Eating Arts meeting over in the Home Economics room.’

Tucker jerked back. ‘Eating Arts? I never heard they were doing those. I need to go sign up for eating classes now.’

He was about to charge away to the Home Economics room, but Mrs Heller stopped him. ‘There are no eating classes! She’s having you on.’

‘UuuuuBbaaaaaaaa.’

‘Do you have any dancing skills at all? I just… It just seems to me, you don’t look like the type who would have a lot of rhythm.’

Tucker tried to put on a debonair smile. ‘They call me Mr Rhythm in many places. Once I get into the zone, I’m pretty darn impressive.’

Vanessa grinned. ‘I take it we’re talking about the Twilight Zone here?’

‘I can show you some moves if you like?’

‘I’d rather you didn’t.’

Tucker started to wiggle his hips and do a little jig.

‘Please Tucker, stop it,’ Vanessa pleaded with him.

‘Let’s groove, baby.’

‘Tucker, you have to stop. This is doing me some serious psychological damage.’

‘Get a load of this.’ He moved his arms backwards and forwards, really getting into it now.

‘Do you realise how many sessions with my shrink I’m going to have to get over the trauma of this? It’s going to cost my mother a fortune.’

He continued to dance.

‘The last thing I want is to be locked up in a padded cell somewhere, wearing a white jacket with the sleeves tied behind my back.’

‘Tucker, that’s enough!’ Mrs Heller said. ‘I think we’ve seen quite enough. I really don’t think you have the skills we are looking for.’

‘UuBBAA! But you just said to Vanessa before that you were happy to take on beginners.’

‘Beginners Tucker,’ Vanessa said gently. ‘You’ve regressed further back than that. You’re at the Rehabilitation phase, where major work needs to be done, just to repair all the damage previous attempts at dancing have done.’

‘Yes…’ Mrs Heller snorted back a laugh. ‘Vanessa has a very good point. I don’t think there’s anything I can do for you.’

‘Hey, I can break-dance you know. Watch!’ Desperate to impress them both he got down onto the floor on his back and attempted a backspin. He went out of control and his feet crashed into the table, sending it toppling over. Vanessa had to leap out of the way to avoid getting kicked.

‘Tucker!’ Mrs Heller shouted at him. ‘Get up off the floor!’

Tucker painfully hauled himself to his feet.

‘Contrary to what you might think,’ Vanessa said. ‘When you break-dance you’re not actually supposed to break things.’

Tucker couldn’t help but feel small, especially when he noticed everyone who was still in the hall looking at him.

‘I’m sorry Tucker,’ Mrs Heller said. ‘I just don’t think there’s room in my classes for you.’

‘UuuuuBbaaaaaa,’ groaned Tucker.

It seemed that he was not going to get to sign up for any classes today. Although there was the school choir, however, when the teacher at the Choir table saw him looking in her direction, she quickly closed up shop and packed the last of her forms and brochures into a box.

It looked like Tucker was not going to be part of the school’s musical arts program this year.

 

If you wish to read this entire story, you can download from Smashwords:

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/676950

 

 

Disclaimer: All articles in this magazine are the views of the authors and none of it is to be taken seriously. Interviews are purely fictional and letters are not written by the assigned people.

 

 

All writings copyrighted, UBBA Magazine 2016