Reunion Special - 2023

 

Wow! Can you believe it? It’s been just over four years since our ground-breaking 3^rd anniversary edition of UBBA Magazine. Where have we been, you may ask? Why did you never release anymore editions? You just stopped! Did the rapture occur? Did you get called up into space?

 

We don’t believe in the rapture of course. There are always eejits out there insisting that it’s eminent and how events are lining up with biblical prophecies like never before. Yeah, yeah, here we go again. The rapture is way past its use-by date and is clearly a religious fantasy.

 

As I told you many times, we here at UBBA only do this as long as we feel like it. And after that fantastic 3^rd anniversary party we had, we just didn’t feel like doing anymore. So we stopped without warning. But hey, we figured it was high time we did another one for old times sake. So here we have a REUNION issue. Everyone is back to do a one-off special to celebrate 40 years since the very first UBBA Magazine was ever produced. That’s right. Back in 1983, website owner Recker and his best friend Colin, put together the very first edition of UBBA magazine which they typed out on an old manual typewriter. History was made.

 

We have many of our old writers back for this special, including Tucker Pyles himself. As you may remember he disappeared four years ago during our 3^rd anniversary party and it was suspected it might have something to do with a man he gave bad advice to in his advice column. Now we can reveal the truth about that. Tucker was kidnapped by that man and was held capture for nearly FOUR years. UBBA Magazines long-running interviewer, Colin Hewgill will be interviewing Tucker, and the man who kidnapped him, for this special edition.

 

Other writers for UBBA have continued to produce new material for Recker’s World and are back for this reunion edition too.   That includes

Pastor Jake. Well, he’s actually Bishop O’Brian now as he’s been promoted. By God he reckons. But we here at UBBA Magazine are not inclined to show respect to silly religious rubbish, especially stuff relating to the rapture, so to annoy him we’ve left the title in his column as Pastor Jake.

 

We have further investigation into the planet Threr, a planet that seems to be eerily similar to Earth but running backwards. This time its about going to the movies! This goes well with Wal’s report this edition.

 

We also have an article that we forgot to include in all the previous 22 editions of UBBA. Each edition it was intended to be included but never was. The problem is the editorial stuff are trying to figure out where that article is. Let’s hope they manage to find it and include it in time for this edition.

 

Well, that’s it for me for this special reunion edition. Who knows when I will see you all again. Or for that matter if we will ever do another edition of UBBA Magazine. You just never know.

 

Rex Cassidy 

 

 

This edition we have some letters which were sent by fans after we stopped producing regular editions of UBBA.

 

 

 

Hi! It’s me, Tucker! I’m back! After four whole years. But boy, I am so upset with UBBA Magazine. I got kidnapped during UBBA’s 3^rd Anniversary celebration and no one reported it to the police. Nobody went out searching for me! I was kept as a prisoner for four years! Is this how you treat your top writer? It’s not very ubbery.

Tucker Pyles (UBBA Magazine columnist)

 

(Oh, Hi, Tucker. Long time no see. Welcome back)

 

 

It disappoints me that UBBA Magazine ceased to produce new magazines after their 3^rd anniversary special. We didn’t even get a final edition. Why did you guys just stop without any warning? As your future king, I command you create new editions!

Prince Charles (now King Charles)

 

(We did partially complete a final edition back then but most of our writers decided they couldn’t be bothered. Typical slackers. As for your royal decree, well you know where you can go.)

 

 

You guys at UBBA ought to know that there have been many suicides since you stopped producing your online magazine. Even I’m considering it myself. You really need to start this up again. It gives people something to live for. Something to look forward to each month… or how ever often you produce editions.

Dr Phil – Beverly Hills - USA

 

(Sorry, but there are no plans for any further issues at this stage. You readers need to get a life.)

 

 

You said that your third anniversary special was going to be something special but it wasn’t. There was virtually nothing in it and the writers didn’t even bother! Pastor Jake even used it as an excuse to ask for donations to his ministry. Was that some kind of a joke?

Piers Morgan (USA)

  

(Duh! This entire magazine is joke, dumbass. And so are you.)

 

 

 

 

Interviewer = Colin Hewgill

Guest = Tucker Pyles (Again!)

  

 

Colin: It’s great to be back for this one-off special reunion edition of UBBA Magazine. Usually, I interview celebrities, but occasionally I have to interview some deadbeat who doesn’t deserve the publicity... like Donald Trump for instance. However, UBBA Magazine have asked me to conduct this one due to the fact my guest disappeared 4 years ago without a trace. I was given the job of trying to wade through his bullshit to find out the truth. Well, here he is, UBBA Magazine’s own mascot, Tucker Pyles.

 

Tucker: Hey, ubbhead, what’s the big idea. I ain’t no mascot!

 

Colin: Well, no. People actually find mascots funny. They like them. You’re the guy who works here who everybody hates.

 

Tucker: Watch it, ubbhead or I’ll open up a can of ass gas on you. I know you revere me and consider me something of a legend around here.

 

Colin: I wish you were history. I certainly thought you were four years ago when you went missing. Some nut you gave bad advice to abducted you. Why didn’t he kill you?

 

Tucker: I was-

 

Colin: Let’s start from the beginning. Who was this moron and remind the reader of the advice you gave.

 

Tucker: His name was Vincent Godfrey and it wasn’t me that gave him the bad advice. It was Wal. He was the one who advised Godfrey to put paper bags over his head to get girlfriends. All I did was try to correct that stupid advice!

 

Colin: Yeah, by getting him to wear masks instead of paper bags. The guy ended up in prison and escaped a couple of times. You gave him further stupid advice. Next thing he abducts you. Why didn’t he kill you like he threatened to in his letters to your advice column?

 

Tucker: He nearly did. He threatened me with a chainsaw and took me to some basement in an old derelict building. He demanded an apology for the advice I gave but I refused on principle! I wasn’t going to apologise for the crap advice someone else gave him! He should have followed my GOOD advice, but he didn’t. HE screwed up, which is what got him into big trouble.

 

Colin: So he kept you alive? Locked in a basement in an old building for FOUR years?

 

Tucker: He decided that I should be made to be in prison like he was so had me remained locked up in there as HIS prisoner.

 

Colin: That’s nuts! I’m surprised it hasn’t had a terrible psychologic affect on you. I mean, you were always fucked in the head but you should be even more of a mess now.

 

Tucker: I actually enjoyed it down there. Just like in prison it had all the luxuries. Television, computer games, food. Oh boy the food. He had to keep bringing in piles of it to keep me fed. I got all this for free! Didn’t have to work for it. Just like all those lucky ubbheads in real prisons. I even had KFC nights!

 

Colin: So what happened in the end? Did you escape?

 

Tucker: Escape? Why would I want to escape when I’m living in luxury?

 

Colin: I thought it was a derelict building?

 

Tucker: Yeah, but he did the place up for me. Made it luxurious.

 

Colin: Why?

 

Tucker: Because it was supposed to be like a REAL prison. And because he’d hate it when I complained if something wasn’t up to scratch.

 

Colin: Where was Godfrey hiding during this time? Don’t tell me he was in the basement with you.

 

Tucker: He had another living area in the building.

 

Colin: So what happened after these four years. The guy has been hiding from the cops. He has you locked up as his prisoner. What changed?

 

Tucker: (sighs). He said it was breaking him financially to have me locked up there. Said I was costing him thousands of dollars every month to keep me fed.

 

Colin: So he couldn’t afford to keep you imprisoned and let you go just like that?

 

Tucker: Yep.

 

Colin: Is he still on the run?

 

Tucker: No. He handed himself into the police. He couldn’t afford to go anywhere else after all the money he spend on me.

 

Colin: So he’s back in prison himself?

 

Tucker: No. The judge decided he’d served his sentence having to put up with me for four years.

 

Colin: Geez! But then I can understand that. It is like some kind of Hell on Earth having to deal with the likes of you. So Godfrey feels that justice has been served then?

 

Tucker: Yep. Him and I are best mates now.

 

Colin: WHAAAAAAAAT?

 

Tucker: We started to get along with each other. When he was bored, he’d come into my cell and place computer games with me. Sometimes we’d even play board games like Monopoly and Draughts. He kind of became like my cellmate in a way.

 

Colin: Oh God, this is sick. So it became like some kind of Stockholm Syndrome then?

 

Tucker: Well he had plenty of stock which he used to cook up. He had a kitchen in his area. He was a good cook too.

 

Colin: So where is Godfrey now?

 

Tucker: He’s in the other room, waiting for the interview to finish.

 

Colin: What the hell? Well get him in here. Let’s talk to him!

 

A few seconds later.

 

Colin: So you’re Godfrey. The guy who Wal told to wear paper bags over his head to get chicks. Which you got. The guy whose life got messed up after Tucker took over with the advice.

 

Tucker: It was good advice!

 

Godfrey: No it wasn’t. It was crap advice. But hey, that’s ok because it got me my best friend ever.

 

Colin: Oh geez. So Tucker is now your best friend?

 

Godfrey: Yep! We even go out together nightclubbing with Laurel and Hardy masks on. Guess who’s who.

 

Colin (snickering): Well clearly you’re the skinny one. But what the hell were you thinking, keeping Tucker locked up for four years. Surely after a few weeks you must have had enough of him?

 

Godfrey: I was determined to make him pay for all the problems he’d caused me.

 

Colin: Why didn’t you just cut him up with your chainsaw?

 

Godfrey: It would have left such a mess… although in hindsight, Tucker is such a slob. His cell… I mean room needed cleaning and sterilising on a regular basis.

 

Colin: Don’t tell me, it was you that had to do the cleaning.

 

Godfrey: Yeah, well if I didn’t it would be full of rodents and cockroaches.

 

Tucker: At least we were able to catch some of them to eat.

 

Godfrey: True

 

Colin: Oh my God, you guys are disgusting. So err… Godfrey… errr… I don’t know if I want to ask this, but are you still looking for a girlfriend? I sure hope you haven’t decided that Tucker could fit the bill in that department. You didn’t make him wear a dress and put on a paper bag with Beyonce’s face on it did you?

 

Godfrey: Oh no! That’s disgusting. Can you imagine how gross it would be having a guy as obese as Tucker wearing a Beyonce mask? Oh no, it had to be more realistic than that. Try a mask with Melissa McCarthy’s face on it. That worked better.

 

Tucker: Yeah and Vincent puts on a Queen Elizabeth mask.

 

Colin: Oh good God, I want to puke. You have got to be kidding me! Please tell me that never happened.

 

Godfrey: Well it was like we were both in prison. And there were no women around-.

 

Colin: Oh, that’s it! I do NOT want to hear any more! I am ending this interview right now. You two can go! How about going back to your derelict building to you bloody basement?

 

Tucker: We will! That’s where we’re living now. 

 

Colin: GO! Before I kick the both of you out of here. Geez… why do I always get the ridiculous interviews? I don’t think I’ll be doing this anymore. Vanessa can do any interviews from here on in.

 

 

Our resident roving reporter Wal (Will Ullman) reports on one of UBBA Magazine's headlines...

 

OSCARS RIGGED. TRUTH EXPOSED!

 

No doubt, like me, you’ve looked at OSCAR winners and thought to yourself, “How did that mind-numbingly boring movie ever get an award?” Many of the Best Picture winners, you take one look at the trailer and flag it aside as “Avoid like the plague”. Yet so many of them still manage to win Best Picture. Now I’m not saying all Best Picture nominees and winners are bad. There’s been some true classics like Platoon, Titanic, Lord the Rings, Slumdog Millionaire, One Flew over the Cuckoo's nest… But some of the others? No Country for old Crap, The King's Crap. The Sound of Crap. Chariots of Crap. Crap vs Crap. Why would you want to watch all those? Geez!

 

I did a bit of digging, wondering how on earth it was possible that such bad movies could win OSCARS and I found a conspiracy. That’s right, I discovered that the true winners of many of the OSCAR awards were actually other movies. But the stuffy uptight execs in the Academy didn’t want those movies awarded so didn’t even include them as nominees!

 

I’ve found out about some of these movies and also some of the actors and directors who were supposed to be nominated for and win Academy Awards and I’m listing them here.

 

Best movies

1972 winner = The Godfather        Actual winner = Deep Throat

1979 winner = Kramer vs Kramer       Actual winner = Life of Brian

1984 winner = Amadeus     Actual winner = A Nightmare on Elm Street

1987 winner = The Last Emperor   Actual winner = Howard the Duck 

 

Best Actor

1978 winner = John Voight (Coming Home)    Actual winner = Manis the Orangutan (Every which way but loose)

1985 winner = William Hurt (Kiss of the Spider woman)  Actual Winner = Arnold Schwarzenegger (The Terminator)

1987 winner = Michael Douglas (Wall Street)  Actual winner = Andre the Giant (Princess Bride)

1994 winner = Tom Hanks (Forrest Gump) Actual winner = Arnold Schwarzenegger (Junior)

 

Best Actress

1972 winner = Liza Minnelli (Caberet)     Actual winner = Linda Lovelace (Deep Throat)

 

Best Director

1959 winner = William Wyler (Ben-Hur)    Actual winner = Ed Wood (Plan 9 from outer space)

1984 winner = Milos Forman (Amadeus)   Actual winner = Lloyd Kaufman (The Toxic Avenger)

  

Best Screenplay

 

1976  winner = Network      Actual winner = Silent Movie

 

So there you have it, ladies and gentlemen. Next time you watch the Academy Awards, be aware. The best movies, actors and directors rarely get an award. For God sake, if the best directors won Oscars we'd have every one being awarded to Quentin Tarantino!

 

 

 

Look what Facebook has become

By Vanessa Dante 

 

I don’t spend a lot of time on Facebook, but over they years I have noticed some rather silly and humorous behaviour that seems to be coming the norm there.  A lot of it has me scratching my head to be honest. For this special reunion edition of UBBA, I’m going to point some of these things out. I’m sure you’ve noticed them yourself.

 

Happy birthday dead celebrity!

I’m seeing it more and more, posts being made on feeds to wish a dead celebrity a happy birthday. Hello? Do you really think that dead celebrity is on Facebook, checking out whether anyone remembered his birthday? Come on! Really?

 

It’s Freddie Mercury’s Birthday. He’s 76 years old today!

 

Err, no. He’s NOT! He’s dead. He died over 30 years ago. You don’t keep having birthdays after you die. If anything we should be remembering the anniversary of his death day. Although we’d rather remember his life and the music he gave to us all, not his death. But that’s actually what you’re doing when you’re celebrating his so-called birthday. You’re reminding us that he’s dead and we will never hear his wonderful voice singing any new songs, ever!

 

If you’re going to pay homage to a dead celebrity on his birthday, don’t wish him a happy birthday. Just pay homage to him!

 

I’m an expert on this topic!

More and more I’m seeing people claiming to be an expert on a topic and promoting something completely ludicrous about it.

“Snails have the ability to experience complex emotions!”

“Covid vaccines can cause you to turn gay!”

“Eating organic food causes autism!”

“Your gut feelings can be relied upon.”

 

Sure, this person may be an expert in the his/her field, but that doesn’t mean what they are saying is true. There are promoting this stuff on Facebook because they can’t get their peers in the industry to take them seriously. On Facebook you can say any old crap. You don’t need it peer reviewed. You don’t need to prove it to your fellow experts.

 

People, pleeeeease, stop giving these idiots the time of day. If someone like that is telling you things that educated people don’t believe, then it’s probably not true! Make sure you see what other experts say about things before you believe some jackass whose trying to make a name for himself.

 

Magical thinking. I can do it!

Facebook is used by many people to express the trials and tribulations that are going on in their life. I’m fine with that. People need support and if they can get it through friends on Facebook then that’s great. But please people… your magical thinking and prayers aren’t going to work just because you’re typing something on Facebook! Positive thinking only works for those applying it. It doesn’t have any magical ability to affect anyone else’s life. And prayer only works in the mind of people who believe in it. But even then it requires people to take action.

 

Instead of being lazy and making wishes for people in need, how about getting off your butt and actually doing something constructive?

 

The rapture is happening really really really soon!

Sigh. Yeah, we’ve heard it all before. The bible prophecies are all lining up like never before. Of course they will when you put a spin on them to try to make them fit with current events. It’s been happening for 2000 years now.

 

Seriously, regularly making posts to everyone on Facebook warning them that the rapture is going to happen in the next few months isn’t going to make a difference. All it does is decrease your credibility when, once again, no rapture occurs. It makes you look stupid, not caring like you seem to think it does. 

 

In this special edition we talk about going to the movies on Threr and some of their favourite movies.

 

Threrrians love going to the movies.

Funnily enough though, they prefer to watch old movies. And if you go to a cinema on Threrr they will only show the classics. New movies are often ignored until sometime later when they are older and more people become aware of them. Often then their popularity will grow dramatically.

Alas, it seems when they reach the peak of their popularity, it is about that time Threrrians decide they have had enough of it and all copies of it are destroyed.

Threrrian movies tend to have a format different to that of Earth. Whereas on Earth, the story builds to a climax and usually ends on a high note, the drama and tension tends to occur very early on in Threrrian movies. Although there are plenty of feel-good endings, Therrians also seem to like them anti-climactic with no real drama. Often though a movie will end on a cliff hanger and invariable no sequel is ever made. A little like the television series we see on Earth where the viewer is left with an unresolved story line.

Some classic Therrian movies:

 

The Rurtainimrert

In the past a man by the name of Rernok Noj creates a benevolent computer system that rules the world. The computer system sends a robotic cyborg into the future to ensure that Noj's daughter is protected against a human time traveller who wants to see her killed.

 

A Gniroh Kurwkolc

A man who only ever has the desire to do good deeds if he feels sick and weak, is taken and put into an institution so that he will do good deeds regardless of how he feels. There he is made to watch movies of people doing charitable acts so that his urge to do good is increased.

 

The Kinahtite

A group of adventurers brave freezing cold waters to raise up a huge ocean liner named the Kinahtite, which lies sunken at the bottom of the Kitnahltah Ocean, thus allowing multiple births of Threrrians to be initiated. The newborns can be given a fantastic cruise to the homes in which they will eventually live.

 

Revenge of the Skoj

 

A bunch of geeky, but malevolent Eduts students named the Zdern are the top dogs at their Eduts facility. However the charitable and loveable athletes, known as the Skoj, who have been humiliated by the Zdern have other plans and intend to regain their rightful spot and remain top dogs forever.

 

 

The Rapture is eminent!

 

 

I am getting sick and tired of people saying the Rapture is fictional. That it’s not going to happen! You’re scoffers! ALL scoffers! Even those of you trying to give rational thoughtful responses. SCOFFERS! The bible warned us about you. In the end times there will be scoffers who don’t believe that Jesus is going to return. They also scoff at the ridiculous Muslims, the Buddhists, the Hindus and all manner of religions. They have been doing so ever since the beginning of time. This is a prediction which is clearly accurate, especially now that we are approaching that special day!

 

The day, my brothers and sisters, is going to happen VERY VERY VERY VERY soon! In fact it would be insane to think it won’t happen some time this year. I doubt you will even have a chance to read this article as most likely the rapture will have occurred before this edition is published online. It will be too late. 

 

Everything is lining up just as the bible predicted and things are about to fall apart! Wars are about to start! The Anti-Christ is about to make his mark. You will ALL be either falling to your knees to beg for Jesus’s forgiveness or falling to your knees to worship some politician who is going to declare himself God. There will be no atheists anymore because they will all be worshipping the ANTI-CHRIST! HALLELUJAH! I can’t wait until there are no more atheists.

 

Of course I will be raptured up so I won’t be seeing those atheists bowing down to worship the Anti-Christ but I assure you they will. They will be going from people who didn’t believe in any gods to people worshipping a malevolent Hitler-like world leader as a God!

 

Some day very very very very very very very very very very very soon, my brothers and sisters, we will be hearing the trumpet blast. That’s right, all around the world EVERYONE will year that trumpet! Most of the world will end up having their ear drums destroyed in the process, but that is one of the things they will have to suffer when they are going through the Great Tribulation. DEAFNESS!

 

We Christians… or more so… we people in Bishop O’Brian’s ministries (as all other denominations are false Christians), will be called up into the sky to meet Jesus. That’s right! Jesus comes from outer space. Heaven is up there just above the firmament… the solid dome that surrounds our earth, where the stars and sun are lodged. That is why we are all doing to be rising up into the sky. PRAISE THE LORD!

And I don’t want to hear any nonsense about how the numbering system is now obsolete technology. We may have biometrics and cell phones but when the anti-christ takes over he is going to hate all that stuff. He is going to want us to all step back into the 80s where silicon chip implants and bar codes on skin are the technology of the day! That is what is going to be used. HALLELUJAH, brothers and sisters! We are going to be going back to the 80s!  Although, we won’t be there, sadly as we’ll be up in space living it up with Jesus and many terrible people who have accepted Jesus as their saviour! Praise the lord!

 

And when it comes to executions the anti-Christ will be taking everyone even further back in time to the 19^th century. Beheadings at the guillotine! Archaic methods will be the order of the day to execute all people who refuse to take the number of the beast on their forehead or hand. There will be no lethal injections or firing squads. No gas chambers. Just bloody messy beheadings like on horror movies!

 

I also don’t want to hear about people claiming that the River Euphrates has dried up. That is an obvious lie to try to make out many bible prophecies are now unfulfilled. The Euphrates cannot possibly have dried up yet as the bible tells us it can only dry up when it’s time for the armies of the east to invade. It can ONLY dry up when it is time for ARMAGEDDON to occur. Because if it’s dried up now that means the armies can cross and invade! It would be the end NOW! So please. No more nonsense about the river drying up. It’s clearly a lie.

 

My brothers and sisters, if these bible predictions were NOT to take place, then the bible is wrong and we can’t have that! We must continue to believe it’s true no matter what. We need to put any spin on end times events we can to keep Jesus’s promise of his return alive! Even if he hasn’t returned in another thousand years from now, we have to change our view of the scriptures to make it remain current. And let’s be real here, brothers and sisters, we want to believe that all those people who rejected Jesus will have to suffer through terrible tribulations! We want to be able to point down from Heaven and shout out, “WE TOLD YOU SO”.  HELLELUJAHHHH!

 

Letters

 

These letters I have received recently by people who have 

read my online sermons here at Recker's world.

 

Dear Bishop O’Brian

I recently read one of your sermons on Recker’s World where you were talking about the Rapture and how it was going to happen during the previous Passover celebrations. Of course no rapture took place. The sermon on the site was immediately taken down. It is no longer there. Why do you insist on crying wolf and making false predictions? Are you a false prophet? Also why do you keep insisting that the River Euphrates hasn’t dried up? It has! You can go visit it! That means all the predictions about raptures, numbering systems… plus 6 of the Bowls of Wrath predicted in the book of Revelations are now FAILED prophecies!

Rational Ralph – Auckland NZ

 

Dear Irrational Ralph,

You are clearly a scoffer here to poke fun. You have been suckered into believing a conspiracy, ie that the river Euphrates has dried up. You are as gullible as the people who don’t believe the world is flat who have bought into the conspiracy that we live on a globe. In short, you are a stupid idiot! The bible is always right! Any prophecy that is yet to occur that you claim has already occurred is clearly rubbish. It would make the bible wrong, which we know is not possible. You claim I am a false prophet, but clearly you are the one spreading falsehoods. I would never claim an actual date for the rapture. I can only give possible dates. You are clearly lying about a sermon of mine being removed from the website. Prove it! I bet you can’t! LIAR! SCOFFER! You will be suffering through the tribulation along with all other liars and scoffers. HALLELUJAH!

 

 

Dear Bishop O’Brian

Hi, it’s me, Pastor Tucker… well actually Bishop Tucker now. I gave myself a promotion like you and Brian Tamaki have. As you are most likely aware I was kept a prisoner for four years locked in a basement in an old building. Well I am out and I was very disappointed to find that all my followers who were part of my religion, Pylism, have gone back to worshipping false Gods. Some have even gone to Christianity! What can I do to get all my followers back?

Tucker Pyles – The emissary for Pylism (and UBBA Magazine colunist)

 

Dear Tucker,

Those followers of yours who moved to Christianity have clearly gone to false versions of it as I have had no new congregation members converting from Pylism. I refer you to a bible story that may help you with your apostates. When Moses went up to Mt Sinai to get the Ten Commandments, and after visiting some of the local prostitutes in the area, he returned weeks later to find that his people were erecting monuments to false gods and worshipping them instead of the one true God, Yahweh! He unleashed his wrath like Jesus did in the temple with the money changers. Moses smashed his stone tablets over the heads of several of his priests! I hear that you, Tucker enjoy using your fists to get your way, so I suggest you go to each of those disgusting apostates and give them all a good beating. Tell them that you are unleashing the vengeful wrath of God upon them and that they must return. They must make reparation, including donating large amounts of funds to your ministry’s coffers.

 

 

Dear Bishop O’Brian,

I read one of your recent sermons on the Recker’s World website about being a sheep and I loved it. We should all try to be like sheep and just believe everything the bible tells us. Ignore the immorality, atrocities, and absurdities. Hallelujah! The more sheeplike, childlike and gullible I become the greater my faith is in the eyes of God. It makes me feel so much better about faith when we know that faith can lead people into all sorts of nonsense and even flying into skyscrapers.

Rita Lenning – Michigan USA

 

Dear Rita Lemming

I agree with everything you’ve said, my sister, but you must also be careful where you put your faith. You don't want to be flying into skyscrapers or strapping explosives to yourself. You do not want to display gullibility in anything except the things of God. Be a sheep, only when it comes to Jesus and the leaders he has placed over you. Hallelujah! As a test of your faith, I feel that God wants you to send every penny you possibly can to Bishop O’Brian Ministries. Every single penny! Do not rob God now!

 

 

Dear Bishop O’Brian,

I recently read one of your online sermons where you stated that the world is like God’s chess game and his opponent is Satan. I think it’s sickening that you would believe that God would torment his creations like this. You make him out to be a sick and twisted monster who likes to toy with us and make us suffer. I object to that!

Jonathan Whistler-Tinting

 

Dear Jonathan Wishful Thinking

 

You clearly need your religion sugar-coated to make it more palatable to you. I say “religion” because you are not in a relationship with God like those involved in Bishop O’Brian’s ministries. You cannot look upon our almighty and appreciate him for what he is. A GOD! A WRATHFUL VENGEFUL God who does with his creations anything he damn well pleases! HALLELUJAH! Instead you want to woosy, limp-wristed God who loves everyone and treats us all like small children. That is NOT the God of the bible. Just read it. You will see that he is a God who enjoys suffering. Look how he wiped out all animals and children with a flood. Look what he did to Sodom and Gomorrah. Look what he did to Job! God requires his entertainment too. Just like humans, when it comes to TV, games and moves, he likes a bit of blood and guts as well. With humans, why would you play Scrabble when you can play Grand Theft Auto? Why would you play Snakes and Ladders when you can play Resident Evil? Likewise, why would God create a game of Happy Families when he can create a much more exciting game where the stakes are real? God’s game of Chess isn’t just moving pieces around a board. It’s creating tests and trials for the pieces as well. Putting them through traumas. Putting them through disasters. PRAISE THE LORD! 

 

 

In this regular feature, Mad Dave Harris brings you television shows from the past and gives his spin on them.

 

 

This Edition:

 

Open All Hours

 

Open All Hours was a true British classic which was made in the late 70s but made a name for itself in the early 80s. It ran for four series. It starred comedy legend, Ronnie Barker as store owner, Albert Arkwright and his nephew, Granville, played by David Jason who would also go on to become a comedy legend in his own right. 

  

Created and written by Roy Clarke, you can see many similarities between this show and another one of his great ones, “Last of the Summer Wine”. Like Summer Wine it portrays  aging English women as old battle axes and even has one of them crossing over: Mrs Blewitt, played by Kathy Staff who also played a similar character, Nora Batty in Summer Wine.  Then of course there is the imposing Mrs Featherstone, played by Stephanie Cole, whose character admired Arkwright’s miserly ways but disdained poor old Granville.

 

You did have some nicer female characters though, like the milk woman, the object of Granville’s desires, who he never managed to woo. There was Mavis, the ditsy customer who could never make up her mind what to buy. Then of course there was Nurse Gladys Emmanuel, played by Linda Baron, the object of Arkwright’s unrequited lust.  No matter how hard Arkwright tried to get into Nurse Gladys’ boudoir, there would always be something selfish and miserly he would do that would turn her off him. No matter how hard Nurse Gladys tried to get him to change he never would. Even getting him to buy a new suit so he would look and smell nicer when they went out was a mission!

 

Many episodes involved Arkwright coming up with some scheme to fleece money from his customers. Eg, Selling dated stock, like his ger-ger- genuine ger-ger-Jamaican ger-ger-ginger cake. Offering free gifts of paper bags to put their purchased products into. Making out some common product had special properties. Any customer who entered the shop would somehow be conned into buying products they never wanted. Roy Clarke used a similar gimmick in Summer Wine with his character Aunty Wainwright. Surely no coincidence there, even having a similar surname.

 

When he wasn’t trying to rip off his customers, Arkwright would be attempting some crazy scheme to woo Nurse Gladys. ‘Even doing neighbourhood watch duties so that he could hang around Nurse Glady’s apartment building. 'Bare-bare-BURGLARS!’

 

Many laughs came from Arkwright’s old till which he’d had altered so that it would spring shut suddenly to take off the fingers of any would-be thief. This also created a danger for both him and Granville. Granville would often refuse to go near the till, seeing it as vicious.

 

Poor old Granville had to suffer all manner of humiliations at the hands of his uncle. He had to work virtually as a slave and was often told to “Fair- fair-fetch a cloth!’ or “Jer-jer-jiggle it a bit”. Arkwright often indicated, rather meanly, that Granville’s mother was a loose woman and he was the son of a Hungarian man she had a one-night stand with. Granville wore the Hungarian badge with pride, but it was never revealed if Arkwright was telling the truth. Being a 40-year-old virgin, Granville had a strong desire to find love, but riding around on a rickety old bicycle performing deliveries was not something that made him attractive to women. Nor was the clothing he was forced to wear. Even when he attempted to improve his image with “trendier” clothing, including a “dangler” hanging from his neck, it still did him no good.

 

Granville’s fortunes would change in more ways than one. In 2013, David Jason would become the star of a brand new Open All Hours show, ‘Still Open all Hours”. Ronnie Barker had died several years earlier. Granville was now the shop owner and had, over the years, become a miser just like Arkwright, employing similar tricks of the trade to fleece his customers. Nurse Gladys was still around, as was Mrs Featherstone and Mavis. Granville now had a romance going with Mavis, although this was usually thwarted in some way by her over-protective sister, Madge. Mrs Featherstone was now taking an unhealthy interest in him, liking what he’d become. The shop was haunted by the ghost of Arkwright who sometimes controlled the old till which was still there in the shop.

 

Open All Hours was definitely an iconic TV show and the characters in it were loveable, even the skinflint, Arkwright. It showed exactly how talented its cast was. It would be Barker’s last big ratings winner after “Porridge” and “The Two Ronnies”. It would be the first big role for David Jason who would go on to star in many hit shows after this one and would even get a knighthood.

 

I’m sorry the original show is over and now simply a fond memory. I miss Ronnie Barker. I miss Arkwright and Granville. One of these days, I’ll rock up to Doncaster in England, find that old shop used for the TV show and see if those hundreds of locks are still on the front door. Maybe I’ll cast a gaze across the street at Gladys Emmanuel’s house and wonder if Arkwright ever did manage to gain her affections before he died. But most of all I will chuckle as I remember the hilarious antics of both Arkwright and Granville who spent their lives in a little corner store that was open all hours. 

 

In this feature,

Aunty Lil reviews a famous movie from the past. 

 

 

This Edition:

Warning: Contains spoilers… 

 

    People have been telling me for years that I need to watch the Harry Potter reality series of documentaries. I have been completely against it as, being a good Christian woman, I am completely against witches. As far as I’m concerned, I’ll go along with what the bible says about them. That they should all be put to death! Burn them at the stake I say!

 Some people have told me that the Hollywood style witches we see on Harry Potter and other movies are not real witches at all and they were actors playing fantasy roles.  Real witches are supposedly nice people who care about their families and the environment. Well that’s nonsense. The bible says they are evil, so they must be! If the bible tells you something there’s no need to question it any further. You can switch off your brain. And that’s what the people who made the Harry Potter series certainly did!

I have to say I wasted 20 hours of my life watching this rubbish. They tried to make out that Hairy, Whoremoanie and Ron the Weasel were good witches, but that just can’t be. Practicing the dark arts makes them evil! There can be no argument. Then of course you have that big ogre Hograd who pretends to be a nice ogre but keeps hideous beasts as pets. And then there is Dumbullderr, who is supposed to be the kindly headmaster of Hogwarts. Huh! As if!

And the good characters! They are portrayed as the evil ones. Like Draco Malfoy and Professor Cerberus Snake. Although it turned out Snake was a nasty piece of work after all. Then the greatest hero of them all, is he who SHOULD be named. Moldywart! Why is it that the best characters of every movie end up dead or humiliated at the end? It sickens me.

I do have to say though there were aspects of it that were delightful. Those were the scenes where Hairy was with his lovely family, ie, his Uncle Vermin, Aunt Petunia and their sweet son, Dudley. In many ways it reminded me of one of my favourite children’s stories, Matilda. JK Rowling clearly stole ideas from that story. That horrible little minx, Ratilda was treated just as she should have been by her parents and brother. Likewise, Hairy was treated in a similar way by his “Muggle” family. And I have to admit, it also reminds me of my sons when they were young. They too were often made to sleep in cupboards. They too were unruly little shits who deserved to be hidden away from decent society, much like Hairy Potter had to be. Ahh the memories. And what wonderful guardians the Dursleys were. They could easily win an award for parents… or guardians of the year.

As I watched this reality series, the children changed over time.

They started out as nasty little brats constantly in danger. There were so many dodgy characters that could have been paedophiles. Spurious Black,  Gilderoy Lockfart, Alastor "Lustful-Eye" Moody, Dobby and Dumbullderr himself! It was like living in a Catholic boarding school with a bunch of priests! No way would I ever let my brat go to school at a place like that!  

As the series progressed, they evolved into juvenile delinquents obsessed with sex. Nobody knew who Hairy was going to hook up with in the end. Would it be Hormonie?  Ho Chang? Loony Lovegood… Ron the Weasel maybe? Or worse, Professor Sprout! There was no knowing in this warped series of documentaries. Of course, in the end he shacked up with Ron’s little sister. I guess I should be relieved about that!

Overall, I have to say this is an appalling and immoral lot of movies that should be relegated to the horror section of any video catalogue. Listen to what the Christians say. This series is pure evil and should be avoided at all costs!

 

Rating = 2 Stars  

Disclaimer: UBBA Magazine advises you not to take Uncle Tuck's advice... unless you are a moron, in which case the world would be better off without you.

 

Remember, if you too have a problem (no matter how stupid it is... even if its a made up one) just send in your letter and Uncle Tucker will attempt to solve it.

 

 

Hi everyone, I’m back! Oh boy, I can’t believe the last four years. I was locked up in a basement by a nut job wearing a hockey mask. The crazy ubbhead had a chainsaw telling me he was going to chop me to pieces for giving him bad advice in my column. ME give bad advice? Never! But anyway, you can read more about that in the interview with Colin. I’m sure you haven’t read it yet. You would have skipped right to my advice column first, no doubt.

 

So here I am back again and I must say I’m very surprised that nobody seemed to care that I had disappeared. I turned up here and got responses like “Oh, hi Tucker, you’re back.” And “Oh we thought you were dead.” Sheesh… that really makes a guy feel valued, doesn’t it?

They had also left me a pile of mail. Hundreds of letters from people needing advice that arrived within a few weeks or my kidnapping. I decided to select some to reply to for this special reunion edition. I hope those people still have the same problems after four years so that I can give them the advice they need.

 

Dear Uncle Tuck

I came down sick a few months back and visited my doctor just recently. I have learned that I have a serious terminal illness which will see me dead within a year. I have come to terms with this but need to ensure I spend this last year living my life as best as I can. What would you suggest I do during my final year of life?

 

Reply

There is only one thing any sane person should be doing. That’s eat as much food as you possibly can. It won’t matter if you get fat or diabetes because you’re going to die anyway. EAT!

 

Dear Uncle Tuck

My son is getting married in six months from now. The thing is his father wishes to attend the wedding. This would be all very well if he was a good guy, but he’s not. He was an abusive father and husband and was in jail for 10 years. He is part of a very violent gang of bikers. He has had little to do with my son since he was around 9 years old. I am afraid that if he attends the wedding, he may even bring members of his motorcycle gang. What can I do to ensure he does not attend the wedding?

 

Reply

I’ll tell you what worked for me when I was a bully at high school. People there started to realise that if they didn’t want me around, to provide some big feed somewhere else. So if there was some party going down at some guy’s place, they’d tell me about a huge banquet on the other side of town. Sometimes it turned out to be BS but other times there really was a feed there. As long as there was a feed, I was staying right there! So why don’t you invite this creep to another party going on somewhere else? A party where there’s even more food than at the wedding reception? Problem solved! It would work for me if it was my kid getting married!

 

Dear Uncle Tuck

I am in dire financial difficulties. I have many overdue bills and the bank is threatening to foreclose my mortgage at the end of the month if I do not catch up on payments. I do not have any friends of family who can help me with such a large debt. It seems like my only option is to rob a bank! But I don’t want to resort to such tactics. What do I do?

 

Reply

Sounds like that guy four years ago who was arrested for robbing a bank due to overwhelming debts. He ended up in a shoot-out, killing a bunch of cops, bank staff, and customers. You don’t want to be like that guy. There’s only really one option. That’s to sell your house and go live in a homeless shelter. At least you’ll get food there.

 

Dear Uncle Tuck

The rapture is upon us! Jesus is going to be calling all believers up into space and it’s going to happen before the end of the year! There is no doubt about this as EVERYTHING the bible has predicted is lining up with events in the world now! Everybody needs to repent immediately if they do not wish to suffer God’s wrath on Earth. The problem is people don’t believe me. They insist that claims like the ones I am making have been going on for 2000 years. That there is always someone insisting it’s on the verge of happening. But I’m telling you, this time we are right. We can’t possibly be wrong. We are the ones who have interpreted bible prophecies correctly. What can I do to have people believe me?

 

Reply

I have an online friend who every few weeks insists the rapture is going to happen very very soon and when significant dates come along he’s saying “Oh it could really happen on this day!” but he too is always wrong. It does nothing for anyone’s credibility to keep saying this shit. But hey, if you really believe it, then you should be doing proper preparations for Jesus’s return. He’ll most likely be back on a Sunday, right? So I suggest that instead of wasting your time in boring old church, prepare a feast and invite all your friends. Do it every Sunday, so that when Jesus finally gets back you can welcome him with one mother of a banquet! I insist that you invite me to these feasts too. I want to be there if Jesus really does return!

 

In this clip, Tucker Pyles want to get himself fired from his current after school job at the recreation centre. 

 

 

'You're fired!'

‘Am I?'

'Yes! Now get your stuff and get the hell out of here. I don't know why I ever employed you!'

'I really am fired? I... I mean, you're not going to change your mind and ask me to come back again, are you?'

'Of course not! What the hell? Are you glad you're getting fired or something?'

'Oh... no, of course not. I'm... I'm shattered. See?'

Tucker put on the saddest expression he could possibly muster, which was quite easy with his flabby cheeks. Inside, however, he jumped with joy. He had only been working at the New Plymouth Recreation Centre for three days but had been trying, something fierce, to do the shoddiest job possible, with the worse attitude possible. He couldn't believe it had taken three days.

He sat in his boss’s office, a small, cramped room with not much more than a desk, chairs and drawers. There were paintings of flowers on the wall but, ironically, there were no real pot plants or flowers of any kind in the office. What kind of a pansy had pictures of plants rather than the real thing?

Todd was his name, a middle-aged man who looked way too bony to be healthy. Todd glared at him and his right eye twitched. How he could possibly present a good advertisement for a health and recreation centre was a mystery to Tucker.

With both hands, Todd flicked back the collar on his buttoned shirt. 'With the attitude you came in here with, it makes me wonder whether you don't want to be here at all!'

He didn’t want to be there, but he couldn’t just quit, otherwise, he’d be in huge trouble with his mother. ‘Of course, I want to be here.' Tucker smirked. 'I'd much rather be scrubbing toilets, sweeping floors and scrubbing things down. It's much more fun than hanging out at home munching on snacks and watching television.'

His boss stared at him for a few seconds before speaking again. 'Your mother assured me when she rang me about the position here, that you were a hard worker and keen to gain experience. I'm beginning to wonder whether she was simply trying to get you out of the house.'

Tucker pictured his short, obese mother in his head. That sour face, the one that rarely smiled and usually scowled at him for any reason. 'Yeah, get me out of the house, sure but, the main excuse is, she's too lazy to go out and work herself. I have to go to school and study my ass off, then after school, it's off to work and now it's Saturday and I should be hanging out with my mates but I'm here instead! Meanwhile, she sits around munching on snacks and watching TV.'

'Really?' Todd's expression softened. 'She makes you work? Why?'

'Because she's a lazy old hag!'

'How can you say such a thing about your mother?'

'Easy, because she is a lazy old hag.' Tucker snickered. She certainly had a wart under her nose which made her look like a witch. Perhaps if it were on her nose, more people might have recognised her for the witch she truly was.

'And she really stays at home all day?'

'Yeah, watching daytime TV. I have to give her my earnings and never get a penny for myself.' That was a lie but she did take most of it. 'She wanted a slave, not a son.'

Todd winced. ‘I... I didn't realize that. Maybe I've been a bit hard on you.'

'What?' Tucker recoiled.  

'Perhaps I need to be a little more lenient. It seems you need someone to cut you a break.'

'No!' Tucker lurched back in his chair and stared across the desk at his boss. 'I've been slack. I've been late for work, mucked around, done a shoddy job... you can't put up with someone like me.'

Todd's brow furrowed. 'You sound to me as though you want to be fired.'

Tucker flinched. It couldn’t be that obvious either otherwise his mother would know he’d deliberately got himself fired. ‘No! Of course not but, hey, when someone steals people's lunches out of the staff fridge, you can't let that slide, right?'

Todd jerked back in his seat. 'What? You’re the one who’s been stealing people's food?'

'Yep!' Tucker sat straight.

‘Well... I guess when your mother takes all your money and you're as... large as you are you need a lot more nutrition. I'm sure we can let that slide.'

Tucker’s chest tightened. 'What? But... but... but what about a person who deliberately fills the drinking water tank up with water from the swimming pool? Surely you can't let him get away with that?'

Todd gasped. 'So it wasn't unusually bad-tasting tap water then? You claimed you had accidentally connected the hose to the normal tap rather than the water purifier. Are you telling me you filled it up from the swimming pool instead? People could have gotten very sick from drinking that water.'

Tucker forced a pained expression. ‘It was a practical joke, you know? But I felt I should come clean about it now, no pun intended.'

His boss stared at him for several seconds, his mouth agape. Finally, he closed it. ‘Well it's good you're being honest about it, I suppose but that did result in a lot of upset people.'

'I know and if I drive away people, especially with my blatant rudeness and disrespect you keep complaining about, you'll have no members, right? Do you really want to have a liability like me driving off your clients?'

‘Well... err...’ Todd rubbed his chin. ‘I think you've realised the errors of your ways, haven't you? You’re repentant and taking ownership of your follies. If I give you a second chance, I'm sure you'll take that as a sign of goodwill and buck up your ideas.'

Tucker shuffled his butt in his chair, which was difficult, as it already sagged over the edges. He stared at his boss, his stomach churning.  'Second chance? You've given me about a hundred chances! Do you really think I'm going to change?'

'Do you want to change? Do you want to make something of yourself here at the rec centre?'

Tucker snorted and tapped his finger on the desk. 'There's something you need to know about me, Tiddly Toddly, I don't change for no one. Tucker Pyles is who Tucker Pyles is and if ya don't like that, well then ya can go jump, you know what I'm saying?'

Todd gazed at him for a few more seconds before speaking again. 'I must say, your steadfast desire to be who you are, is quite admirable—'

Tucker winced. 'What?'

'It's unusual to come across someone who is so staunch in what they believe. You thumb your nose at the norms of society and say, "No, I will not bow to the masses, I will be an individual". That says something for your mettle.'

Desperation welled up inside Tucker. How could he convince Todd that his original intention to fire him was the right one?  'Look, you stupid ubbhead, if you keep me on here, all I'm gonna do is make a mess of things. I'm going to deliberately sabotage this business and drive customers away. If that's what you want, then fine, I'll stay. It's up to you.'

Todd's brow furrowed again. 'You're making it very difficult for me to cut you a break.'

'I don't need a break! If I want a break, I'll come over there and break one of your limbs myself, how about that?' He put on the most ferocious look he could. He knew that his massive size was intimating. People who called him fat soon learnt he had a lot more muscle there than what they gave him credit for.

Todd shrunk back. 'Are you threatening me?'

'I don't threaten. I just do what I say I'm gonna do, got that, ubbhead?'

'Alright, alright!' Todd shoved his chair back and rose to his feet. 'If you're going to be that difficult, then fine, you're fired.'

Tucker stood. 'Good. Maybe you're not the gigantic cretin I thought you were. I expect a good amount of severance pay too, or I'll get my mother onto you and believe me, you don't want that.'

'Fine. Go. I'm not going to have you threaten me.' 

Tucker smirked. 'It's been a pleasure working for ya. Toddly Tuddly...'

 

 

Disclaimer: All articles in this magazine are the views of the authors and none of it is to be taken seriously. Interviews are purely fictional and letters are not written by the assigned people.

 

 

All writings copyrighted, UBBA Magazine 2023