Edition 10 - Xmas Edition 2016

 

Hi everyone! Welcome to the 10th edition of UBBA Magazine, which also happens to be our Christmas edition. In this edition, expect to see a lot of stuff relating to Christmas, but without the annoying Christmas music! BadKitty will not have to worry about the worst kind of earworms of all! eg Jingle Bells & Snoopy's Christmas.  

 

This edition, we will not be bringing you part 2 of Vanessa Dante's interview with God and it will instead be appearing in the following edition. We decided that this edition, because it's a special Christmas edition, we should put in an interview with someone a lot more respected and loved. Someone a lot more real in my opinion... Santa Claus. Colin Hewgill will be interviewing him right from his prison cell. Yes, believe it or not, Santa is in jail right now, just as our headlines declare, and he will not be available Christmas Eve to deliver gifts. Colin will find out all about that scandal, I can assure you! 

 

Normally when it comes to Vic’s Picks, we publish humorous extracts from the website owner, Recker’s books, after all, UBBA Magazine is a comedy magazine. Nevertheless, people have been asking, does this Recker just do comedy? Does he do anything serious? Although most of Rex’s writings are light hearted, he can also be serious, so this edition’s piece explores the budding relationship between two old high school acquaintances who never used to get along.

 

Well once again my greeting falls a little short in length this edition. I have said all I want to say, but have not done the minimum length, which the publishers have asked of me. However, you know what? Tough shit. I have nothing more. If they don’t like it, well they know where they can go. After all, there’s the unwritten rule here in UBBA Magazine that if we don’t feel like doing something, we don’t do it. It’s as simple as that. Seeing as I don’t want to write anything more... particularly about Christmas, I’m not going to. So put that in your pipe and smoke it, UBBA Magazine.

  

Rex Cassidy

 

 

I have two things to complain about this week, ubbheads. Number 1, last edition I was given the job of doing the Vanessa Assessment, because Vanessa had been too busy interviewing that ubbhead, God. I thought, cool, I’ll get to be one of the top billed articles in the magazine, but what happens? It gets knocked way down to the bottom of the bloody magazine!  That is so unfair! I thought UBBA Magazine had learned their lessons last time they tried to knock me down to low billing! Urrrrrbbarrrrrrrr! I can see I’m going to have to start dishing out some ubberings there when I get back in. What really pisses me off though is that I wasn’t even nominated for a bloody SMaTNoR award! I am by far the best, most knowledgeable, funniest writer in UBBA Magazine. But not one bloody nomination! Urrrrrbbarrrrrrrr!  How could my greatness go ignored like that? I sense a conspiracy! Mark my words, I’m going to get to the bottom of this. I’m the greatest writer of UBBA Magazine EVER!

Tucker Pyles (UBBA Magazine columnist)

 

{You have a short memory, Tucker. You did win a SMaTNoR award for your cooking column. It was “Most absurd editorial”.} 

 

 

The SMaTNoR awards? I’ve never heard of them. In the previous edition of UBBA Magazine, Rex Cassidy said they stood for “Silly Magazines That Nobody Reads”, but I have never heard of these awards. I’m a fan of magazines, so you’d think that I would have!

Hugh Jackman - Australia

 

{Maybe they are mentioned in magazines that you never read?}

 

  

I am becoming very annoyed with UBBA Magazine. I write for the magazine and each edition I give fantastic parenting advice in my “Perfect Parenting” advice column. Each month the publishers put a disclaimer against it saying that they do not endorse my methods! Who do they think they are! I am a very experienced mother who knows all the best ways of dealing with shitty little brats. I make Super Nanny look like the world’s worst mother!  UBBA Magazine should be endorsing my methods! Look at it this way. If I weren’t the world’s greatest mother, would you have given me this responsibility? Huh? Would you???

Aunty Lil (UBBA Magazine columnist)

 

{Of course you are the world’s greatest mother. Now please put away that whip}

 

 

 

I completely disagree with that statement about Aunty Lil and I also disagree with Aunty Lil herself. She is clearly the world's WORST mother! What a cruel and hateful woman she is. The methods she employs on raising her children is sadistic and evil. How can anyone resort to such callous and abominable methods? How can anyone support such dastardly extremes? It's depraved and immoral. She should be taken, skinned alive and thrown into a pit of lions to be eaten alive. Then resurrected and burnt alive for all eternity!

Father Roger Myers - USA                                                                  

 

I’m trying to understand what was so funny about your mock headline from the previous edition: “Caveman discovered masquerading as New Zealand politician.” Seeing as all our politicians act like a bunch of monkeys and some of them look like Neanderthals, calling one a caveman is hardly much of a jibe. It would be like looking at a bunch of Justin Beiber fans and calling them tasteless. It’s pretty much a given isn’t it? So please, UBBA Magazine, if you are going to ridicule certain people groups, then please make a little more effort to make it funny, thank you very much!

Dr Zaius – New York 

 

{UBBA Magazine apologizes for not providing adequate laughs}

 

 

Feel free to write in letters about your opinions about UBBA Magazine. We would love to hear from you. 

 

If you have any regular articles you would like to add to UBBA Magazine please contact us. We are always on the look out for contributors and will give you credit where credit is due.

 

Simply contact the administrator of Recker’s World

 

 

Interviewer = Colin Hewgill

Interviewee = Santa Claus 

 

Colin: Hi, I know you were all wanting to read the second part of the interview between Vanessa Dante and God, but that’s being postponed until next edition. As this is the Christmas edition, we figured we should have an interview with someone who far better represents the Christmas spirit. Someone who, a lot like God keeps a record of who’s naughty and nice, but unlike God will just give you lumps of coal, if you’re bad, rather than roast you alive for all eternity.  Unfortunately for this guy, he’s had a little trouble with the law regarding a spate of breaking and entry charges from last year, so I’ve had to come and visit him in prison. Here he is, Father Christmas himself, Saint Nick!

 

Santa: Ho ho ho ho!

 

Colin: Hey, there’s no need for dirty language. Let’s try to keep it at least M rated, ok?

 

Santa: I was just laughing.

 

Colin: What a perverse laugh. So Santa, what are you doing here? I thought you were a good guy, not a law breaker?

 

Santa: I AM a good guy! It’s just that last Christmas I was doing my rounds and next thing I was climbing down a chimney into someone’s lounge only to have a bunch of policemen waiting for me and arresting me for breaking and entering!

 

Colin: Well that does make sense. How would you like it if some big hairy pervert came climbing down your chimney late at night?

 

Santa: I’m not like that! I was just delivering gifts for good little boys and girls, that’s all! Like I do every year. Like I have done for the last 2000 years!

 

Colin: Well then it’s about time you were imprisoned for breaking into people’s houses. Why has it taken so long for charges to be laid? Especially considering it's been nearly a year since you got arrested.

 

Santa: I have good lawyers. They’ve always kept me out of trouble until now.

 

Colin: They must be good ones. After all, for a decades now you’ve been getting away with making imitations of well-known brands. A lot of that stuff you put in stockings is patented or copyrighted. Why do you think you can just flaunt the law and create copies of those? Do you think you’re above the law?

 

Santa: Of course not. I’m here, aren’t I? Locked up for breaking and entering. And I have been sued many times…

 

Colin: So you bloody well should be.

 

Santa: Normally my lawyers get me off.

 

Colin: I guess they’ve managed to help you get out of trouble for running a sweat shop too?

 

Santa: What sweatshop?

Colin: The one where you have slave labour operating. Forcing elves to work for you and build things for you? How can you be allowed to get away with that?

 

Santa: It’s not slavery! They volunteer their services. They like to build toys for little boys and g…

 

Colin: Don’t give me that crap! If they weren’t slaves, stuck in the North Pole working in your workshop we’d have seen some by now. They would have left that freezing cold hell hole and moved to warmer climates. They’d be here in countries like this one, but they’re not. That can only mean they’re being kept prisoner in your bloody toy workshop. Most likely working all year round just to fill your quota!

 

Santa: What do you have against me, Colin? Why are you so hostile? Haven’t I always been good to you? Bringing you gifts?

 

Colin: You brought me coal one year, you bastard!

 

Santa: Well you were a right royal brat that year.

 

Colin: Go to Hell, ass wipe. I was the perfect bloody little angel all the bloody time.

 

Santa: It was only one year!

 

Colin: Which brings me to a question I’ve always wanted to ask you. I came from a pretty poor family. Never got much in the way of decent birthday presents or anything like that. But I had a rich friend who used to get some AMAZING stuff. Then Christmas comes along and sure enough, this friend of mine ends up with a huge pile of amazing expensive stuff! And what do I get? A small pile of cheap crap! Why is that Santa? Why do you give all the rich kids the most expensive stuff, and the poor kids like me and my brother cheap junk that doesn’t last two weeks? Huh? Can you answer that, you elitist prick?

 

Santa: Now, now, come on, there’s no need to get nasty. It’s just that… it’s just that being richer, the parents expect me to deliver better quality and more expensive goodies. It’s just the way things are. It’s the way things always have been. I have to cut costs somewhere, otherwise I’d be poor myself, so I give the kids who are used to extravagance, the extravagant stuff, and I give the kids who don’t have much, the cheaper stuff… stuff they’re used to. It all works out quite well. Everyone’s happy.

 

Colin: Well I wasn’t! And what’s more, we used to put a bottle of beer out for you on Christmas Eve. I’d get up the next morning to see if you drank it. You had, but you also drank all the rest of the bloody beer in the fridge! What’s with that you bloody alcoholic?

 

Santa: Why do you think that was me who drank all that beer?

 

Colin: Who else would it have been?

 

Santa: Another family member perhaps? Your dad maybe?

 

Colin: Don’t you go blaming my father for that, buck weed! You may work on Christmas Eve, but the rest of the time you spend on the piss. Everybody knows that!

 

Santa: It gets cold in the North Pole. The Vodka keeps me warm.

 

Colin: And what is it with you demanding that kids sit on your lap all the time? Then you offer them sweets? You’re the role model for all dirty old paedophiles everywhere!

 

Santa: I’m NOT LIKE THAT! I love kids. They love sitting on my lap and telling me about what they want for Christmas! It’s all perfectly innocent!

 

Colin: All perfectly warped and disturbing if you ask me!

 

Santa: Please!

 

Colin: You never gave me what I asked for either!

 

Santa: You can’t always get what you want. I’m not a God you know. I can’t just conjure everything out of thin air and give it to you.

 

Colin: What about those poor starving kids in Africa. You don’t take them anything for Christmas!

 

Santa: Like I said. I’m not a God! I can’t help everyone.

 

Colin: HUH! You sound very much like God to me. He does just as much for those starving kids as you do!

 

Santa: Is this all you are going to do? Criticise me?

 

Colin: As a matter of fact yes. What are you going to do? Leave me coal this Christmas? Go right ahead. You stopped giving me gifts in my stockings when I was 12 anyway. Yet, I had some friends who still got stuff from you up till the age of 16. Why is that, huh? Why did you abandon me when I was only 12?

 

Santa: Alright, alright, I’ll admit it. You suck! You always have sucked! You were a snot nosed little brat who was undeserving of my time and effort. There. Does that make you feel better? Many kids I just can’t stand! They’re nasty ungrateful little brats most of them! That’s why I bring them coal… why I give them cheap crap… why I give them NOTHING AT FUCKING ALL! That’s the way it goes, dipshit, whether you like it or not!

 

Colin: Ahhh, now the truth comes out. Finally here at UBBA Magazine we find out that Santa Claus isn’t the nice guy he claims to be! He’s elitist AND a racist!  He’s also prejudice against certain religions, aren’t you? It’s why you skip those houses!

 

Santa: Well I’m a fucking Christian that’s why! Of course I’m going to be elitist! Of course I’m going to be prejudice! That’s what’s Christianity is built on! Looking down at others and judging them! That’s why I don’t give those scummy Muslims anything! It’s why I can’t stand witches, Jews, Hindus, Buddhists and all the others! It’s why I can’t stand YOU!!

 

Colin: I can just see the hate in your eyes!

 

Santa: I’m out of here! Guard! Take me back to my cell at once!

 

pause

 

 

Colin: Well there you go, readers. You read it all here at UBBA Magazine. You got to see the true colours of Santa Claus. Ho ho ho ho. See you next time!

 

Click on image to enlarge

 

 

2016 - you're just a kick in the balls.

 

From the spate of celebrity deaths to the shitacular fuckup that was the election of Donald Trump, you've worked to suck the last bit of blood from our choking hearts.

 

So I am proposing a trade here.

 

You take T.rump. Take him to the dump. Stab him in the rump. Beat him until you hear a thump. Whatever you want, 2016. Ain't a bit of nevermind to me.

 

In return you give us back our celebrities. We want Prince, we miss Bowie, and we want Leondard Cohen singing and making us cry.

 

You are a dink, 2016

 

Badkitty

 

 

By Vanessa Dante

 

 

The many days of Christmas

 

When I was little there was only 12 days of Christmas. At least that’s how the carol goes. But these days there seems to be a whole lot more, what with Christmas decorations being put up in early November. Horrible Christmas music being played everywhere you go.

 

As a kid I loved the 12 Days of Christmas song. These days though, I find it all very bizarre. Now that I really do have a true love, it would bother me if he started bringing me most of those gifts mentioned in that song. I would have to say there is something seriously wrong with him. Let’s take a look at them.

 

A partridge in a Pear Tree.

 

I’d be presuming that it was the tree that was a gift, as my Rexy knows I like to eat healthy. I’m presuming that the partridge just happened to be nesting in that tree and now there’s no way of getting rid of it without resorting to cruel means. I just hope that I get to eat some of the pears before the partridge does.

 

2 Turtle Doves

 

I would have to say if I was going to keep birds in a cage, it would be a couple of rainbow lorikeets or maybe even a couple of budgies. But two turtle doves? Does anyone keep turtle doves as pets?

 

3 French Hens

 

Ok, I have no problem if my wonderful true love wants to erect a chicken coop in my backyard and enable me to have fresh eggs for breakfast each morning, just as long as I don’t have to put up with a rooster crowing at 5am each morning. But still… not a very romantic gift. My truelove is so much more thoughtful than that.

 

4 Calling birds.

 

Ok, this is getting a little weird. What is it with all these gifts of birds? Does my true love require that I have a whole aviary in my backyard? Wasn’t just the two turtle doves enough? I hate to make such a terrible joke, but it seems my true love may be a bit of a bird brain, especially if he thinks I want this many birds.

 

5 gold rings

 

Now we’re talking. But still… Five? One ring is enough and I actually prefer diamonds, rubies and emeralds. In fact my true love has already put one hell of an expensive jewel studded ring on my finger already. A gold one just wouldn’t look right next to it, let alone five of them! One on each finger? No thanks. I don’t want people thinking my true love is Mr T! (PS: Can anyone explain why the pattern of birds was broken at 5?)

 

6 Geese a laying

 

Oh no, here we go with the birds again. This is getting a little crazy here, not to mention disturbing. Why couldn’t we have stuck with expensive jewelry? At least you don’t have to feed and care for jewelry! 

 

7 Swans a-Swimming

 

Oh my God! Seven of them? What do I want with 7 swans? I don’t even have a pond for them. Where are they supposed to swim? In my swimming pool? No thanks, I know what lakes are like once ducks, geese and swans have shat in them over a period of time. I don’t want my swimming pool becoming like that. I’d think my true love must be losing it about now.

 

8 Maids a-Milking

 

Now this is more like it. 8 sexy maids in skimpy maid’s uniforms. I’m fine with that and my man, he knows I’d appreciate that, being the type of woman I am, but if each one of them is milking, doesn’t that mean we’d also have a a herd of cows? At least 8? Are they going to be kept in my back yard with all the hens, geese and swans? Nuh uh. I don’t think so!

 

9 Ladies Dancing

 

Now this I can really get into. My true love, knows I’m that way inclined so to bring 9 hot lady dancers as a gift will be most welcome indeed. I’m sure I can find time for all 9… as well as the 8 maids.

 

10 Lords a-Leaping

 

Now my true love really is losing it. He knows this would not be my cup of tea. The only man I’m into is him, so why would I want 10 snotty nosed upperclass twits jumping around my living room? No thank you!

 

11 Pipers Piping

 

Hey I don’t mind a bit of classical music, but give me a rock concert any day thank you. If my true love is going to put on a concert for me, that’s great, but please let it be a band that uses modern musical instruments.

 

12 Drummers Drumming

 

Oh God, does my true love want me to have a head ache? Why would I want 12 drummers going crazy on 12 drum sets on Christmas Day? That doesn’t make any sense. No, I think we’ll just kick the drummers, the pipers and the lords out of the house and just enjoy Christmas with the dancers and the maids thanks. That sounds more like me.

 
And true love… next Christmas, maybe you could just buy me a new pair of socks... or even better, fish net stockings? I think that would be a lot less hassle and way more thoughtful.

 

 

Dear Santa,

 

My name is Timmy McCullough. Mom says you already know that.

 

I want a puppy, a Hatchimals, some chocolate covered cherries and some robot men.  Also, I want a remote control monster truck.

 

I also want batteries because there are never enough to make my truck work. Thank you. 

 

 

PS: what kind of cookies do you like? Do reindeer really like carrots? Do they fly high? 

 

 

Dear Timmy,

 

Thank you so much for your letter.

 

I have made my list and I've checked it twice... and I'm afraid it's not very nice.

 

You do remember what happened to your last puppy, right? You remember when your mom said he went to live on a farm?

 

Well, your puppy was a special kind of puppy. He was a fucking mafia snitch. He knew too much, Timmy. Dogs know where things are buried. You know why?

 

BECAUSE YOU LET HIM DIG IN MR IPOLITO'S GARDEN.

 

How many times did he tell you not to do that? How many times did he tell yo not to let your dog ruin his prized roses? What kind of fertilizer do you suppose he was using to make those roses bloom so heartily?

 

Hatchimals? Seriously, you lame little shit. Someone in the US brought up half of them. You think I can just pull this lame ass crap out of my ass? Just have a teddy bear and deal with it.

 

Chocolate covered cherries. What the merry fuck? You have four goddamn cavities!!! You are going to look like Arkansas trailer trash by the time you are 11!!! Do us all a favor, eat the carrots you would leave for the reindeer, you fat little ingrate. 

 

Robot men? What the hell kind? Do your research before you ask for shit.

 

Your monster truck would always need batteries because your mom keeps stealing them. Your dad is a failure as a father, a husband and a lover and your mom is a drunk

 

Cookies? I want "special" brownies. Ask the neighbor's kid, he can hook you up.

 

No, carrots don't fly high. Neither do reindeer, fucko.

 

Merry Christmas!!

 

Next time maybe you will say "please". 

 

 

In this edition of UBBA Magazine we get to learn more about the planet Threr. This time we forcus on the types of jobs that Threrrians do on their planet. Some of these jobs are rather wacky and bizarre, but to the Threrrian it’s all part of their lives…

 

Farmers (Rermraafs)

On the surface it appears that a farmer on Threr is like any farmer you would meet on Earth. They perform similar tasks, they use similar tools, but their goals are completely different. A farmer on Threr is not interested in selling crops, milk, etc, they are interested in returning it to nature. This is yet another example of the Threrrian’s infatuation with recycling and improving the atmosphere of their planet.

Threrrians have cows on Threr, but refer to them as Wowcs. They appear to be identical to normal Earth cows, but the younger animal has one remarkable difference and that is, it feeds on milk and produces much needed grass. Wowcs or cows as we will call them have the ability to generate grass growth with their mouths. They will also regurgitate dry grass or decomposed grass that will later be picked up by the farmer and put in storage. When a field requires regrowth, the stored material will be taken in bulk and knitted back into the ground using an extra large Rewom Nwal called a Retsevrah Enibmoc.

Farmers on Threr must feed their cows milk everyday, but not through the traditional method through the mouth. Milk is pumped from vats directly into the teats of the animal. Older cows have the ability to produce milk themselves, but this is only at the latest stages of life. Incredibly, milk regurgitates from the stomach and the elderly animal blows the milk up through the teat of the younger one.

Many Threrrian farmers have the unenviable task of the disposal of human waste. Where is Earth has sewers to dispose of waste, on Threr human waste is transported to the farms where it will be buried in the ground or placed on trees or other ‘above ground’ plants. Not only does it get rid of the waste, it also makes the ground more fertile. We as Earthlings would think that this task would be most unpleasant, but the more waste a Threrrian farmer has to deal with, the happier he is.

Many Threrrian farms contain bovine like animals called Peesh. These animals also aid in grass growth, but must be provided with a new woollen coat on regular occasions (because peesh’s wool deteriorates quickly and does not grow back). Large bundles of wool are delivered to the farm and the peesh come in to the wool shed one at a time to be fitted with a new coat. Buying wool for peesh is a very expensive matter, but a Threrrian farmer is only too happy to pay the money required to keep their paddocks in good condition.

 

Disassemblers (Rerdillbs)

The task of a Disassembler is to destroy buildings or items for recycling. There are many different types of Disassemblers who specialise in different things. Some specialise in pulling apart buildings that are no longer needed. Some pull apart furniture, some electronic items, others mechanical items such as cars. No matter what their speciality is, all Disassemblers have one thing in common and that is the return of all materials to its rawest source, i.e. wood and metal.

One of the intriguing aspects about Disassemblers, from an Earth viewpoint, is their meticulous attention to detail. It will often take weeks, even months for them to disassemble a building. They insist on removing every nail, every screw, every board individually and as carefully as possible. There is much care to ensure that each bit of material is removed in perfect condition. As Earthlings, we may see this as perfectionism, but from a recycling perspective, it is most important.

Some tools of the trade:

Rermah – Hand held devices that suck out nails from the timber. The seem to use some kind of magnetic field that pulls at the nail each time you connect with it.

Auwss – A device that recycles used timber by sealing it back together. Using this and a type of adhesive called Tsud Auwss, it is possible to create a brand new plank of wood that looks as though it has never been used before.

Niheye Ngirerldos – Special devices that use extreme heat to melt metal, so as to enable disassembly of electronic items and large objects like cars or structures.

Citobohrs (Robotics) – Special machines have been built to enable objects to be disassembled in bulk.

 

Builders (Nishilomeds)

 

Unlike the Disassemblers who are very particular about their work, Threrrian builders go about their tasks with little care for workmanship. It seems that they are in such a hurry to finish the job; they have very little time to spend on planning and careful construction. In fact the materials they use are substandard and the final product often unsuitable for habitation. Their work is of such a low standard that it is often years before the building can be enhanced for human habitation. Funnily enough, there are very few complaints from clients about their shoddy workmanship.

Some tools of the trade:

Rermah – Same tool as used by the Disassemblers, but this time it is used to force nails into the wood using a type of levering action.
Rahboark –A long metal object used to lever objects, particularly timber into position. These tools are able to position boards with remarkable precision, sealing them firmly into place.

 

 

Messers (Rerneelcs)

Threrrians have an intense dislike for cleanliness and for this reason, people will pay other people to mess up there house, workplace, car, streets or anything else that is considered too tidy. Despite their dislike of tidiness however, most Threrrians have an unusual habit of cleaning the mess up afterwards, thus keeping Messers in employment.

Some tools of the trade:

Rernealc Mooquahv – A small machine that can be pushed along the floor which expels dirt and fluff out of a hose.

Jinayrd – These are installed inside every building and provide dirt, waste water and other filth. A Messer can then collect the material and use it to dirty up anything they desire. Therrians have massive storage systems underground that collect waste material which is then able to be distributed to the Jinayrds in dwellings and places of business.

 

 

Tune in next edition when more will be revealed on the typical life of a Threrrian and what stages they go through between birth and death.

 

  

Taking the Pagan out of Christmas.

 

It has been said that there is a war on Christmas and that Christ is being attacked. Nobody seems to want to include him in our Christmas celebrations anymore. Well, my brothers and sisters, I say that we start our own war! Let’s fight back and say NO to those who wish to fill it with pagan trinkets and rituals!

 

Let’s say NO to Yule. NO to Saturnalia and anything that comes with these abominations! We will NOT accept any pagan rituals in our celebrations at all!

 

So let’s do away with the Yule log! It has no place. It is a Norse pagan ceremony to celebrate the return of the sun.

 

Let’s do away with the holly! After all it was a pagan ritual to use this plant to ward off evil spirits.

 

No more mistletoe, my brothers and sisters. Do away with this celebration of lust and sexuality. No kissing under it, or worse, what the ancient druids used to do at Christmas time… perform human sacrifices and using the mistletoe to poison their victims.

 

No more fruit cake! You are defiling the temple of the holy spirit by consuming this as it comes from an ancient Pagan Egyptian ritual where fruit cake was placed in the tombs of loved ones. Christmas is the celebration of life, my brothers and sisters. The life of our lord Jesus! Not morbid death!

 

But that’s not all! No more Christmas Tree. No more ornaments and decorations, for this goes back to the ancient Roman pagan celebrations of Saturnalia where they worshipped trees, placed them in their own homes and adorned them. Disgusting and vile practices, ones that our lord Jesus would abhor! Remember what the bible says in Deuteronomy 7:26. Do not bring a detestable thing into your homes!

  

Christmas caroling must also stop my brothers and sisters, for this goes back to the ancient pagan practice of wassailing where pagans went from door to door singing and offering drinks like egg nog. A fertility ritual to aid in the growth of crops! We must not allow it! Not only are these carols they sing awful and abominations to the most high, but they make our lord Jesus Christ very angry! Jesus becomes most irate when we practice pagan rituals such as this. Just remember, my brothers and sisters that each time you sing the likes of "Jingle Bells" or "Silent Night" you are making Jesus angrier and angrier!

 

We must shun Santa Claus too, because he is nothing but a Catholic false god, stolen from pagan ideas such as the Norse goddess Hertha who appeared in fireplaces and brought gifts. Religious cults formed around this man, spread and became what we know of him today.

 

Last of all, my brothers and sisters, no more gifts. Giving of gifts at Christmas must stop as it is a pagan Roman tradition stemming from Saturnalia, where gifts were offered to emperors. This practice then began to occur amongst the common folk as well - giving gifts to one another to celebrate a pagan festival. Even the three wise men were not wise when they approached the baby Jesus and offered him up expensive gifts. They were making our heavenly father angry by practicing this Roman abomination of gift giving at Christmas time! Don’t fall into that same trap, my brothers and sisters.

 

The only thing you should be doing at Christmas, my brothers and sisters is bowing down and praying to Jesus! Worshiping him and praising him. Nothing more! No roast turkey dinners. No Christmas hams or puddings. No family get togethers. Just prayer and worship. Nothing more!

 

Don’t make our heavenly father any more angry and wrathful than he already is! Avoid these evil pagan practices I have mentioned. Shun them. Declare war on them NOW!

 

HALLLELUUUUUUJAHHHHHH!

 

 

Letters

 

Dear Pastor Jake,

I believe you are a deluded idiot. You are not led by god. You are kidding yourself. You are living in a fantasy world just like every other Christian out there. I don’t know why you bother because no intelligent and rational person would ever believe in the god of the bible. That god is just so preposterous.

John Hardy

 

Dear Hardy Hearted,

You can say all you like that you don’t believe in my god, but it makes no difference. He’s REAL! And it doesn’t matter if I have no proof because I’m right! And you’re not! And one day you will believe. One day you will be falling to the feet of our loving Jesus begging him not to have his angels throw you into the fiery pits of Hell. Even the bible tells us in Philippians 2:9-11 that every knee shall bow and every tongue confess, so even the staunchest of atheists will be kissing his feet, begging for forgiveness. You will be in front of Jesus saying, “Which butt cheek do you wish me to kiss first, Jesus?” But by then it will be too late. There will be no way to avoid the suffering that my loving father is going to put you through. And John, I will be there as you are dragged away with a smug smile on my face saying “I told you so.”

 

 

Dear Pastor Jake,

Things are going great with the new religion I have started. I took your advice and have a couple of charities started. One is a foodbank. People donate the food and I eat it! Ha ha ha! They believe I am giving out food parcels to the needy, but whenever someone needy comes along I just tell them I have no food parcels available! I am also funding an imaginary mission over in Africa. I even have people giving additional money to this cause over their usual tithes and offerings. This money is supposedly going to Africa to fund a housing project there, but instead it goes into my bank account! He he he he. I am also planning a missions trip myself to Norway. There is a huge food festival coming up there and I intend to go to it. UBBAAAA! However, this time I’m writing to get advice on a different issue. I have given out my first holy book for people to read. (It’s finally big enough). It has all my commandments and things in it. Plus all my made up stories about the supernatural and stuff. However people have started pointing out contradictions and errors in my writings. What can I do about that? I want them to believe my writings are divine!

Tucker Pyles (UBBA Magazine columnist)

 

Dear Tucker,

That’s easy. There are several obvious things you can do. Simply try to justify the contradictions and flaws. Make up some warped and twisted explanation that perhaps ties in with another of your written pieces so that it no longer becomes a contradiction. You could also claim some parts are symbolic or metaphors, to get around some of the nonsense. You could also make up some kind of supernatural entity similar to the Holy Spirit which helps you read and understand. You can say that the writings are cryptic and that you need this Holy Spirit to help understand the truth. Or you could just say it’s a translation issue and that your English writings are simply translations of some old language, perhaps ancient writings you found in a cave somewhere. You can then come up with a different interpretation to explain away the error.

  

 

Dear Pastor Jake,

I would really like you to do a commentary on slavery. I get sick and tired of skeptics accusing the bible of endorsing slavery, but it doesn’t! Don’t they realize that the slaves in the bible were simply indentured servants?

Neville Collins

 

Dear Naïve Collins,

Unfortunately those Christians who believe that slaves in the bible are simply indentured servants, have not read their bible properly. The bible quite clearly shows a difference between slaves and indentured servants:

 

Leviticus 25:39 "And if your brother becomes poor beside you, and sells himself to you, you shall not make him serve as a slave: he shall be with you as a hired servant and as a sojourner."

 

So I am sorry dear Naïve. You have been misinformed. Slaves are slaves and servants are servants. I mean seriously, does this sound like something you would do to an indentured servant?

 

Exodus 21:20-21  “When a man strikes his male or female slave with a rod so hard that the slave dies under his hand, he shall be punished.  If, however, the slave survives for a day or two, he is not to be punished, since the slave is his own property.  

 

The reality of the situation, as much as it’s hard to admit, is the bible does endorse slavery, It is the way God intended things to be. 

  

  

Disclaimer: UBBA Magazine in no way endorse the methods recommended by Aunty Lil

 

Well the worst time of year has arrived yet again. Christmas! This is the worst time of the year when you are raising children because not only do you have to waste a whole lot of money on them with Christmas gifts and food, but you have to put up with them being at home instead of at school!  In New Zealand that’s about two months of brats being a complete and utter pest!

 

There should be a rule about Christmas where schools continue to operate and you don’t have to deal with greedy ungrateful brats!

 

This edition, I decided to focus my column on how to get by Christmas. Hopefully I can offer you up some advice which will help you get through this horrible time of year with less stress and less money and time wasted.

 

Filling Christmas stockings

 

Frankly, as far as I’m concerned this is a complete waste of money. Every parent has better things to spend their money on than their ungrateful little shits. For me, some years I won’t even bother doing the Christmas stockings. Other years I will just put coal in them, after all, no kid is capable of behaving themselves well enough throughout the year to warrant a stocking of goodies. Be honest with yourself! It’s true! They’re not! It’s just that you are all a bunch of slack arses that give into your snotty nosed brats! You’re weak and pathetic because you can’t bear the thought of your smarmy little gremlins going without at Christmas time!

 

But if you really must be pathetic, weak and useless as a parent then my advice is to just head down to the local tip and rummage up the gifts from there. I’m sure you can find something good. You can always make out it’s something cool. Like for instance, you could find say an old beat up, rusty tricycle with no tires and no seat and just say it’s a futuristic city. Then grab a few bits of wood and rocks, draw some wheels and windows on them and call them cars. Ouila! They can play for hours, driving around their cars in a futuristic city! 

 

How old is too old for Santa?

 

Never is my answer! Keep them believing in Santa all their lives and you can use it against them. Works for my son, Tucker. I can threaten him whenever he’s playing up, “Santa will bring you coal next Christmas!” and he’ll quickly get into line. Then when Christmas Eve comes, he’ll ask me “Mum, will Santa bring me delicious goodies this year instead of coal?” and I will reply “Of course not, you moron! You haven’t been good enough during the year!”  Then I will get that smug satisfaction as he whimpers and walks away with his head hung low. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

 

Remember though, keep them away from Santas in shopping centres. The last thing you want is your full sized adult or teenaged son jumping on the poor sod’s knee and crushing him. That happened one year with Tucker. 180 Kgs of weight is not something an old man in a Santa costume wants dropping down on his lap!

 

Christmas baking

 

You could spend hours and hours baking Christmas goodies and treats for your horrid little delinquents or you could just do what I do. Do the baking, eat it yourself and then tell your kid they were too late and it’s all gone.

 

Getting them out of the house

 

The last thing you need is brats under your feet all day and every day, especially if the Christmas break is a long one, like here in New Zealand. My advice is just to shove them out the door and tell them not to return until dinner time.

 

What about if it’s winter where you are? Well you should be grateful! You can send those little shits out into the freezing cold instead of the glorious sunlight. Wouldn’t you enjoy that? Of course you would! It would make your Christmas way more enjoyable knowing that your ungrateful little brats aren’t having a good time. After all, why should they have a good time when you’re not?

 

……………….

 

Well that’s it for me this edition. Please do us all a favour this Christmas. Keep your loathsome children under control. It will make it a lot more enjoyable for the rest of us.  

 

 

Hi everyone! Hope you enjoyed making some of my fantastic pizzas from last edition. Did you enjoy the crunch of the snails from my Curried Snail Pizza? I’m sure you did and it will warm you up for my recipe this edition, which I assure you will warm you up big time!

 

Before I bring you my next culinary masterpiece, I just wish to assure all my fans out there that I am not going to just accept the fact that I did not win a SMaTNoR  (Silly Magazines That Nobody Reads) award for my cooking column. I should have cleaned up with them all, including best editorial and best writer. I’m sure you will all agree with me on that one. I sincerely believe that there was a conspiracy against me and I intend to get to the bottom of it. Me not winning this award would be a little like Peter Jackson not getting the best director OSCAR for the Lord of the Rings trilogy!

 

But anyway… onto my recipe for this week….

 

 

THE PILES XMAS CURRY

 

 The ultimate curry!

Ingredients 

 

Curry powder = 2 tins – very hot                       10 Jalapeno peppers

1 cup of Cayenne pepper                                    1 watermelon

1 teaspoon of Napalm                                        2 fully grown cats

5kgs of Dairy Milk chocolate                             5 magpies

2 litres of Coca Cola                                           3 possums

2 Palm leaves                                                      20 fish eyeballs

5 tomatoes                                                          5 onions

2 boxes of Fruit Loops                                       10kg bag of rice

Asbestos (to avoid potential fire damage)

 

Simply cut up all the meat and put it in the biggest pot you have… although just drop the fish eyeballs in whole. That way when you eat them they will be nice and juicy when they burst after biting into them. 

 

Pour in the Coca Cola and stir up all the meat. Then add in the curry powder, Cayenne pepper, Jalapenos and the napalm. At this point I would normally put in bay leaves, but I think bay leaves are boring, so that’s why I use palm leaves instead. So much more tropical, I’m sure you’ll agree.

 

At this point, allow the meats to boil so that they get in all the flavouring. The Coca Cola will also add a bit of a tang and let’s face it, wouldn’t you rather use Coke than water when cooking? I mean you’d rather drink Coke than water, so why not apply the same logic to your cooking?

 

Once you’ve boiled it all for about 2 hours, then it’s time to add in the other ingredients. All the horrible vegetables for instance (except for the rice). And also the chocolate (It should be melted). From then it’s a matter of boiling it all for another two hours. Add in more coca cola if you need to.

 

Once you’ve finished boiling it all, that’s when you put in the Fruit Loops. Mix them up well into the curry.

 

What about the rice, you’re asking? You know I’d never forget to mention any of the ingredients I put in my ingredients list. The rice is of course the side dish, but my recommendation is not to bother boiling it up as it just wastes time. After all, you’ve just cooked your delicious curry and you don’t want to have to wait any longer to eat it! So just serve the ubbing rice raw, ubbhead!

 

 

                                                                            

 

 

And there you have it. The best curry you’ll ever taste! Perfect for your Christmas dinner.  Hot hot hot in more ways than one! UUUUUUBBAAAAAAAAA!!!

 

 

A monthly column where readers send in letters with personal problems to solve. Our psychological expert Will Ulman (Alias Wal) has the answers and will gladly give his advice free. Remember, if you too have a problem (no matter how stupid it is... even if its a made up one) just send in your letter and Wal will give sensitive,caring advice to help you solve it.

 

Dear Wal

Hi, it’s me the paper bag guy, writing to you from prison. I did what you said and changed my Mike Tyson paper bag mask to one with that character T-Bag from the TV show Prison Break. Next thing I had all these gay guys approaching me wanting to hold my pockets. I’m not gay, I’m straight! So I changed the paper bag again, this time to the other character you suggested; Abruzzi; the mob boss. Now I have this other prisoner called Lincoln Scofield hassling me, wanting me to use my mob connections to arrange an aircraft to land in the fields not far from here. He has an escape plan and he wants me involved in it, so we’re breaking out in a couple of weeks through a hole in his prison cell. I’ll be on the run, so obviously will want to wear a different paper bag with some other person’s face on it, so that I won’t be recognised. Any suggestions?  PS: could you please arrange a private aircraft to land in the fields near the prison. Date, time and actual address will be sent later.

Wannabe Mob Boss

 

Reply

Wise of you to consult me about your escape. The last thing you need is to go wearing some paper bag of some celebrity who’ll be recognized immediately. You’ll look like a right mug if you go bowling into a corner store with say a paper bag over your head with Arnold Schwarzenegger on it and next thing you have all these fans pouring in to say hello. You’ll have a TV crew and interviewer and everything there to see you. You don’t need that type of publicity when you’re escaping from jail. You want to do your best to remain inconspicuous. I suggest you wear a paper bag over your head with some unknown person's face on it. BTW, I’ll see what I can do about that aircraft you requested.

 

 

Dear Wal,

I am feeling very depressed because I’m one of the best writers for UBBA Magazine but I get no recognition for it. I didn’t even win a SMaTNoR award for my brilliance. And everything I write, the publishers of UBBA Magazine just shove it to the bottom of the magazine as if it’s not important. It’s not ubbery at all. What can I do to get more recognition here at UBBA Magazine?

Tucker Pyles (UBBA Magazine columnist)

 

Reply,

I can tell you one sure way of getting recognition here. One guaranteed method to have everyone cheering and congratulating you. They’ll be throwing a party in your honour! What is that method you ask? QUIT!  Pack your things up and leave the writing to the people with talent!

 

 

Dear Wal,

I’ve been reading your advice column on a regular basis and I have to admit, I’m having a real problem myself. That problem is that I just don’t believe that all these letters are genuine and are real people with real problems. I mean, come on, that guy who wears the paper bags over his head? Are we really expected to believe there such a person who would be so daft? Some of these issues are just so silly, it makes me think this advice column is nothing more than a mockery, designed to get cheap laughs. What can you say to convince me otherwise?

Skeptical

 

Reply,

How about the fact that you’re written into us? Absolute proof that these letters are genuine. Need I say anything more? Problem solved. You’re welcome.

 

 

Dear Wal,

I work in an office. I work 9-5. I get a good night’s sleep – 7 hours a night, sometimes more, but when it comes to midafternoon I am so sleepy and I struggle not to fall asleep at my desk. How can I overcome this tiredness?

Tired worker

 

Reply,

You need to WAKE UP and realize you’re getting old. At your age, you need to be in bed at about 7pm each night and then be up by about 5am in the morning. Working day needs to be over by lunch time. Time to quit your job and let the young guys take over. Either that or have a caffeine drip attached to your arm all day.

 

 

Dear Wal,

I have this bone lazy guy working for me in my office. He only works 9-5, but yet come midafternoon he’s yawning and generally screwing around and not doing any work. Sometimes I’ve even caught him with his head on the desk with a pool of drool at his mouth. Obviously having fallen asleep! I like the guy, so I don’t want to fire him. But what do I do to get him to motivate him to work harder in the second half of the day?

Irritated boss

 

Reply,

 

You need to WAKE UP and realize that your employee is a dead beat!  On top of that he’s probably too old to be on the job anyway, otherwise why would he be falling asleep at that time? Time for someone new to take over the role. You need to stop being such a wimp and retire that old dog. 

 

 

By Mad Dave Harris

 

PISCES

Do you follow your heart or do you follow the money? The money of course! Who are you kidding? Contrary to popular belief money can buy you a little happiness. It’s only those who don’t have money that will tell you it doesn’t!

 

AQUARIUS
The planets will help you this week, especially seeing as Pluto is aligning itself with Neptune. Just don’t ask me how they will help you, I mean seriously, nobody can possibly do that and if you think they can, then you are one gullible twit… but then you’re reading your horoscopes aren’t you?

 

CANCER

Don’t take yourself too seriously this month. I mean nobody else does, do they?

 

TAURUS

There’s excitement in the air at the moment. Too bad you’re not going to benefit from any of it.

 

SAGGITTARIUS

How can you make things at home more enjoyable and less stressful for everyone? How about just going out and leaving everyone else in peace?

 

VIRGO

No matter how busy the past few weeks have been and no matter how desperately you need time to recover this is going to be an active day. Just remember that when you’re standing at the urinal that today there will be no piss for the wicked.

 

CAPRICORN

Whatever you do today, don’t panic! Simply pick up a copy of the Hitch Hiker’s Guide to the Galaxy.

 

AERIES

You may feel a bit left out of things today. That’s because I have no Harriscope for you.

GEMINI

The sun moves into your opposite sign today, which means... Oh I don't know, take a guess!

 

LEO

Whatever crises you’ve had to deal with of late, you can now forget all about, because a new set is on its way. Way worse than the last! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

 

SCORPIO
Seeing as you a real procrastinator, why not wait until edition 11 of UBBA Magazine before you read your Harriscope? I know I'm going to wait until then to write one. 

 

LIBRA

As from today you must put your own needs on hold for a while and do what you can to help loved ones and relatives.  Send me money. NOW!

 

 

A murder has taken place on the Island of Jersey and an old school friend of the Rex Cassidy Investigators has been murdered. Jacqui Donaldson, (also an old school friend) was engaged to be married to the victim. Will Ullman (Wal) finds himself with the opportunity to offer Jacqui some support. 

 

....................

 

Wal sat in the lounge at the Cassidy's Jersey estate. He had been most pleased when Jacqui came out and sat with him. It gave him the opportunity to be the gentleman, the side of him that only a few people ever saw, Vanessa being one of them. He felt certain it was a side Jacqui had never seen. She held a glass of wine in one hand and a bottle in the other. Wal could see she had almost consumed the entire bottle.

‘Well, if it isn’t Wal,’ Jacqui said. ‘Mr Big Shot himself.’ She laughed. ‘You really were too big for your boots at school, you know that, right? And you always tried to compete against Rex, but he always kicked your ass in everything! Ha ha ha ha ha! Why did you bother?’

Wal didn’t mind the ridicule. He’d become used to that from Jacqui many years ago and he took it in his stride now, but this time there was almost a delighted glee in her attitude as she said it. He assumed it was the wine that had loosened her up. He decided to make light of her ridicule this time. ‘Well I needed some competition. Nobody else could compete against me. The only way to improve is to take on someone better than you.’

Jacqui burst out laughing again. ‘You know, that’s true, but it never worked for me.’

‘What do you mean?’

‘With Vanessa of course! You know, Wal, I was the hottest most desirable girl in school until she came along.’

Wal nodded. ‘You were.’

‘Yes, I was, wasn’t I?’ She grinned. ‘And then she came along. Oh God, I hated her at first. I was so insanely jealous…’

‘I know.’

‘I treated her like shit, but she was always so beautiful and smart and she would knock me right down with her witty comebacks and she’d always do it in such a sweet lovely way. Oooooohhhhh, I hated that! But every time I came back at her it just made me look like a complete and utter bitch and she’d come out looking even more wonderful in everyone’s eyes. I was losing it Wal, my top bitch spot amongst the girls. Everyone wanted to be with her instead. Everyone wanted her as their friend, even my friends. Mandy, Holly, Laura…’

‘But you made amends in the end and you became friends.’

‘Absolutely! We did! We became good friends... although sometimes she still pisses me off, because she’s still so damn gorgeous! Perfect skin, hair… no cellulite, no stretch marks. It’s just so wrong that she can be so flawless. And of course everyone lumps all their attention on her. But that’s ok now. I’m ok with that.’ She skulled down half a glass of wine and refilled it. ‘She was always better than me. She beat me at everything. More popular, a better dancer, better grades, better everything! And she got the guy… the one guy every single girl in the school craved.’ She sighed. ‘She was always going to get him. It was a foregone conclusion. I couldn’t win. Nobody could win. There’s no way I could ever compete against Nessa for Rexy’s affections, no way at all. Rexy… or McDreamy as Mandy always used to call him.’ She drank some more wine then giggled. ‘We’re losers, Wal. You and me are losers!’

‘Nah,’ Wal said. ‘We’re not. And I certainly don’t think you are. You were always a winner in my books, even though sometimes you were a bitch.’

‘Often a bitch!’ she corrected him. ‘I was such a bitch! I know it!’

‘Yeah, well... I have a confession to make. I was a bit of a sexist pig myself.’

‘That’s a confession? I already knew that!’ She burst into a fit of giggles.

‘Ok, Ok, it’s not really front page news, but you know, I always thought you were really something.’

‘Even when I was a bitch?’ She chuckled.

‘Yeah, even then. You’re a strong woman. Always have been.’

‘Why, thank you, Wal. That’s nice of you to say those things.’

‘If it wasn’t for guys like… well… you know… like Ginge, I would have tried to sweep you off your feet. Would have tried. Would have bombed out I bet.’

‘Yes, you would have.’ She laughed and attempted to pour some more wine in her glass, but the bottle was empty. ‘Oh damn… I’m out. Is there any more?’

‘Of course. There’s a whole cellar. 500 quid bottles being the cheapest.’

Jacqui gasped and stared at the bottle in front of her. ‘500 quid?’

‘Yep. That’s about one and a half grand in New Zealand currency.’

‘Yeah, I know that, I passed sixth form Maths, unlike you!’

‘I’ll get you another one.’ He  went down, picked one up and returned to find Jacqui’s eyes red with tears. He didn’t quite know what to do. He wasn’t bold enough to sit down and put his arm around her and figured she’d probably slap him one if he did. ‘You ok?’

Jacqui didn’t reply.

Wal opened the bottle and poured some more into her glass which now sat on the side table. ‘I’m sorry about Ginge. I really am. He was a great guy, one of the best guys I ever knew.’ He sat down. ‘He liked everyone and everyone liked him. An athlete, a scholar, but not big-headed like me. It’s wrong what’s happened. Totally wrong.’

‘We were going to be married.’

‘I know. You two would have made a great couple.’

‘We would have! If only I had realised it a long time ago, but I had tunnel vision and there was always someone else I had my eye on… like Rexy…’ She sighed. ‘Vanessa… She’s invited me to spend some time with her and Rex… to help me get to grips with what’s happened. God, she is so sweet, but I can’t… I mean…’ She sighed again. ‘Vanessa, she’s a great friend, but there are times when she says and does stuff that really makes me uncomfortable. You know what I mean?’

‘Yeah. I know. She’s quite a woman. I just wish she’d act that way towards guys like me, but that ain’t ever gonna happen. You’re lucky.’

Jacqui cringed. ‘Lucky? Oh God, please, no! Sorry, but having a woman try to kiss me open-mouthed or make a pass at me, is not my idea of lucky!’

Wal couldn’t help but chuckle.

‘I know she only does it to tease me or get a bite out of me, but if I spend time with her and Rex… well… I don’t wanna go there. Not me. Maybe women like Holly or Mandy can, but not me and then I’ll just be yearning for him again and I don’t need to go back to that again, wanting a guy I can’t have. I need a stable relationship with a guy who will focus all his attention on me and me only.’

‘Like old Ginge.’

‘Yes…’ She gave sob. ‘Like Ginge.’

‘You know me and Ginge…’ Wal was going to say that they were alike, but he knew it would be insensitive and it would make her think he was trying to make the moves on her. As much as he wanted to be the shoulder to cry on… the guy to help her through the tragedy, there was no way he was going to presume he could take that position.

‘What?’

‘Oh… nothing.’

‘No, come on, what? This is confession time, right? We’re being open here, talking about what jerks we were at school. Tell me.’

‘Oh, I don’t know.’

‘Talk, Wal! Speak up, or am I going to have to force a 500 pound bottle of wine down your throat to get you to loosen up. Hey, that’s a point. You need to be having some drinks too!’

Wal grinned. ‘I’ll get me some beer.’

‘Good.’

Wal walked up to the bar and pulled out a bottle of Steinlager from the fridge. He opened it and sat down.

‘So come on, Wal. Talk. What were you going to tell me about you and Ginge?’

‘Well…’ He flinched. ‘Just that… me and him… well we were a lot alike.’

Jacqui had been in the process of taking a mouth full of wine and she spat it out with a sudden laugh. ‘You what?’

‘Hey! That was about 50 dollars of wine you just spat out there! And almost over me too!’

‘Oh don’t worry about it. This bottle of wine itself is worth about a minute of modelling work for Vanessa. Now come on… seriously, you and Ginge the same? Get real!’

We had the same philosophies, me and Ginge. Sure we had different personalities and he was a lot more diplomatic, polite, friendly…’

‘…smarter, better looking, sexier, etc, etc, etc, etc!’

Wal paused for a moment to consider her words. He couldn’t help but make an observation. ‘Better looking? Sexier?’

‘Oh my God, yes! Oh fuck, surely you never thought you were anywhere near as good looking and hot as him?’

‘Hell no! What I find remarkable is that you would use those exact words, better looking and sexier. That means you must have found me at least somewhat good looking and sexy, otherwise you wouldn’t have used those words.’

Jacqui stared at him for a few seconds then burst into a fit of giggles again. ‘Oh my God, you are still just as deluded as you always were and I thought Tucker was bad!’

Wal wanted to hide his face now. Perhaps he’d totally misinterpreted. Of course he had. She had simply been making a point how Wal and Ginge were so much different. ‘Ok, ok… but come on, give me some credit. I may have been a jerk some times, but I was a decent guy, right? I may have been a sexist pig some times and I may have said crude things and been disrespectful on the odd occasion, but I looked out for you girls and I stood up for you against creeps. I never tried to make passes at you or take advantage of you, never!’

Jacqui paused for a little and her eyes gazed into the distance. She sipped from her wine. ‘Ok… yeah, alright, I’ll give you that, although your macho bullshit was a lot to take some times, trying to make out you were some kind of big shot.’

‘Yeah, yeah, I know, but me and Ginge, we had an understanding, because deep down he knew we were alike. He was just a lot more laid back than me, that’s all.’

Jacqui stared at him for a few more seconds then sighed. ‘I guess. I have to admit, you are a decent guy, Wal and you’ve come a long way over the years and there’s no way Rex would have ever given you the time of day if you were a complete wanker. The fact that he liked you was a good endorsement, as much as I hated to admit it when we were kids, but as for Tucker… Oh God, I still can’t get over that. There is someone who definitely doesn’t deserve Rex’s respect.’

‘Actually Tucker’s not so bad. He’s proven himself too over the years. I gave him a lot of flack at first and really didn’t want him around, but he’s proven his loyalty and he’s proven he’s not the prized wanker he used to be.’

‘A lot like you, huh?’

‘Hey, I wouldn’t go that far!’

They both burst into laughter.

This time Jacqui gazed at him with what looked like admiration. It was a new experience for Wal, who for so many years had only ever seen contempt in her eyes for him. ‘Thanks for being here to chat with me.’ 

‘No worries,’ Wal said. ‘It’s my pleasure.’

 

If you wish to read this novel in its entirety please contact site admin through the contact page.   

 

Disclaimer: All articles in this magazine are the views of the authors and none of it is to be taken seriously. Interviews are purely fictional and letters are not written by the assigned people.

 

All writings copyrighted, UBBA Magazine 2016